I Prostituted Myself For A Vacuum Cleaner Head

I have a notoriously tricky record with vacuum cleaners. When Bad Smell and I were living together, he once caught me pushing the vacuum cleaner around our apartment in an attempt to clean. Unfortunately the vacuum wasn't on at the time. True story. As an appliance salesman, you can only imagine how he's never let me live it down.

So anyway one of the heads of my vacuum cleaner has been out of action for the last few weeks. It didn't seem to be sucking anything up anymore.

So who do I call? Bad Smell, of course. Because he's not just a fridge salesman - oh no, he has many talents and skills, most of them legal. He also sells air conditioners, washing machines and other household appliances.

He came over last night to fix it and turns out the problem was that large clumps of my long lustrous hair have been getting caught in the head. I also haven't emptied the vacuum in 18 months. No I couldn't figure that out for myself.

He conveniently timed it so he arrived when it was too late for me to turn him back out onto the street after finishing his chores. So I had to sleep with him. Well I could hardly not. Then I'd just look like a user, wouldn't I?

As it turns out, a vacuum cleaner head isn't the most ridiculous thing I've ever whored myself out for.

My Bonding Session With Jason, Queen Of The Goblins

Jason is a very strange person indeed (but you already knew that, right?). One minute you’ve been spreading malicious rumours about him and he’s threatening to get the Bandidos onto you in a massive showdown at the Megahole, the next minute he’s in love with you again.

As you may or may not know, I am the administrator of a Facebook group devoted to discussing Jason. In all actuality, there isn’t that much to discuss – he’s kind of boring after a while. However on said group there are a few references to him being a loser, smoking ice, picking up lowies, etc etc.

Anyway, long story short, Jason’s aunt found the group last weekend and Jason got mad at me again. I know, I’m still in shock that amoebas can have aunts. So on Friday night, I’m at The Oaks, blind drunk as per usual. He sends me this one message asking where I was and I told him The Oaks. Next thing you know I look up and he’s standing there. He literally appeared out of nowhere.

Jason spent the night pouring out secrets to me, after making me promise not to tell anyone. Now this was just plain stupidity on his part. He must know by now that I am incapable of keeping my mouth shut and would gossip the leg off an iron pot. So when he told me he doesn’t like Lobo, and that Bad Smell has got himself into trouble with some drug-dealing Lebs, naturally I did two things:

1. Tell my two friends immediately
2. Write about it on the Internet.

Then Jason drove me home and I spent most of the next day throwing up. The two incidents may or may not have been related.

I think I also got invited to his baby’s christening. Because Jason and I are like, you know, BFFs and stuff.

The end.

An Essay About My New Hero

I have a new hero. His name is Samuel Johnson.

I watched a documentary about Samuel Johnson on the History Channel last night and decided there and then that this was my new person to emulate.

Samuel Johnson was this guy in England in the 18th century who compiled the first ever dictionary of the English language. He was also history's most famous obsessive compulsive, capped off with a healthy dose of Tourette's syndrome. Jason is kind of like that, but without the dictionary compiling part.

A number of other interesting Samuel Johnson facts:

* Was riddled with involuntary body and facial tics

* Went into random blind rages at people for no apparent reason

* Once drank 25 cups of tea in one sitting

You can read more about my new hero here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Samuel_Johnson

It's good to have a new hero. Anyone is a step up from Jason. And he's kind of hot, don't you think?

I am going to get Miss Contradiction a copy of Samuel Johnson's biography for Christmas. She may be able to pick up a few life tips from him.

His Name Was Jason, He Was A Showgirl

You know you probably got yourself into trouble when you wake up with the business cards of several random blokes in your business card holder - and none of your own.

I am so hungover I can barely type.

God help me.

Jason Gray - Alpha Male

Town Bike and I were having a conversation with Bad Smell the other day when the subject of Jason's brother came up.

This is how Bad Smell describes him...."Imagine and older, fatter and dumber version of Jason".

What a scary thought.

As it turns out Jason also buys drugs off a bunch of guys who set his brother up on a drug deal and are now after him. It's obvious that Jason subscribes to the "Drugs are thicker than blood" theory.

Bless.

Lobo Christ, Superstar

Word on the street is that Bad Smell's new BFF, Lobo, is recording a smash hit single.

Well at least I assume it will be a smash hit single, given that Lobo is involved.

Yesterday I was hanging with Lobo and Bad Smell and Lobo was busy typing out lyrics on his computer and laying down beats or whatever the hell it is you do when you record a smash hit single.

He kept asking me for countries with certain numbers of syllables in their names to fit into his lyrics. Here were my suggestions:

Two syllables: Fiji, Thailand, Turkey, Iraq
Three syllables: New Zealand, Australia

So I'm guessing the lyrics will be something along the lines of "From New Zealand to Iraq, Lobo's hitting it out of the ballpark".

He's recording his song in a fibro house in Blacktown. Sure to be a hit. No confirmation yet on whether Jason will be doing guest vocals.

Also Mason is the new Jason.

The Year In Review - Part 2 (Scroll Down For Part One)

February is famous for Valentine’s Day, but for us, it was a different story. We were plagued by the poster formerly known as abusive anonymous guy who was convinced I was “poncho” girl (this 30-something chick who practically lives at the hole). Note: I am neither 30-something, a poncho wearer nor a chick. He made several abusive tirades regarding abusive anal sex and more. I failed to get his phone number.

In other hole news, we first encountered the Robbie impersonator in one of our off-chops nights (Robbie is some idiot who says he loves ‘dirty funken beats’ on his MySpace website. WTF??). We also met this loser in a gingham shirt who “claimed” to be in a band (note to men on the prowl: singing along drunkenly as the Piano Man plonks out his fury on the keyboard does not count as being in a band). Miss Contradiction pashed him then his girlfriend stalked me. Yes, we do meet some winners. In other news, we both wore fire-engine red Chanel lipstick.

In celebrity news, Anna Nicole Smith died and Will from Home and Away started working at the Hole. We only stalked one of them. Nautica tried to get into my pants after an absence of five years. Nautica should not be confused with an actual celebrity.

Miss Contradiction wet her pants over some big ship, we had high tea for my birthday and the domestication of the dog continued unabated.

During March, Miss Contradiction and myself decided we needed a stalking phone so we could harass people without them knowing it was us. The first order of business was to set Jason up on a wild goose (tail) chase to the Bourbon in Kings Cross. Jason was suitably humiliated; logged onto a screen and called someone. Jessgate opened the floodgates for a whole new era of Jason stalking. Usually this would involve sending Jason a text message with the word “Jason” in it. Just in case he forgot his own name.

During May, Jason and Bad Smell broke up and Bad Smell acquired a new boyfriend… Lobo. Lobo is this guy with a funny last name whom Miss Contradiction has never met. However he seems to be under the illusion that we are BFFs. The only reason I would steal him as a best friend is to get up Bad Smell’s nose. Instead, Jason made friends with a roaming band of goblins. Reports indicate that Jason and the goblin did not claim squatter’s rights at Miss Contradiction’s mother’s house. He moved to Dullards – whoops, I mean Dulwich – Hill instead.

During June, Panda arrived back on the scene. We decided to start stalking him instead of Jason. Often we would multi-task and stalk both at once. Panda is more fun than Jason. We found out that North Sydney Leagues’ and Willoughby (still) suck and I had to listen to my 80-year-old father say the words “sexual intercourse”. Still causing insomnia five months later. Also, we wrote Jason’s phone number on the blog. No one called him. What’s up with that?? Ingrates. We also moved base camp to The Oaks due to the increasing crappiness of the hole.

In July, Miss Contradiction got a special birthday present: Moll Flanders. Moll Flanders is a cheap tart (and possible smacky) who delights in making all and sundry uncomfortable with her inappropriate behaviour (another candidate for Asperger’s Syndrome if ever I saw one). In fact I haven’t seen her around for a while. Maybe she is dead.

July 17 – mark it down in your calendar so you can be alerted re: future Doomsday warnings – Jason’s baby was born. Rather (un)imaginatively, he called her Jennifer Gray. Dirty Dancing jokes ensued. Jason was stoned at the birth then hit the ice pipe later that night. It was a red letter day for Jason for two reasons: 1. The birth of his child 2. He had three types of illegal drugs in one day. Miss Contradiction acquired her own babies – Louboutin slingbacks, that is – and we joined Facebook. Hilarious cyber stalking ensued.

In August, Malcolm was (again) exposed as a fraud. Contrary to his claims, Megan Gale confirmed they are not cousins. Malcolm went back to his cave to plot further havoc. No news on when he is planning to reappear. This incident confirmed Malcolm as the prototype sociopath.

The hole introduced some trivia thing with an eight-foot tall drag queen on Thursday nights. I haven’t been yet but she is supposed to be quite hilarious. I reserve the right to be non-plussed by bitchy queens.

In September, Miss Contradiction and I posted defaced photos of Jason all over the Internet and Manly lost the NRL grand final. THIS MAY WELL HAVE BEEN THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY YEAR!! I nearly got into a fight at The Oaks badmouthing some Manly supporters. Haven’t they ever heard of the ‘truth’ defence?

In October, Miss Contradiction and I headed to Jason’s old stomping ground (Balmain) for a night out and predictably ended up at the hole. She pashed someone called Mario, I stood in the background and sniggered.

But all this paled in comparison to Jason shitting in Miss Contradiction’s bed – the incident that forever after would be known as Poopygate. Jason now has another thing to add to his list of “things I’ve lost control of” – his gambling problem, his waistline and now his bowels.

In happier news, Canada returned to the country after his deportation and is apparently firmly under the thumb. At least some of us have happy endings!

Finally, in more recent times, you may remember us making fools of ourselves in front of Cate Blanchett.

That’s all for now. Happy birthday blog! We love you! Well not really, but you get the idea.

The Year in Review - Part 1

Well groovers, our blog is officially 1 year old today.

It’s been an exciting year in the world of Cremorne, Jason and the Universe.

Allow me to re-cap the major events;

The end of 2006 started with major management fuck ups at The Hole, the nightclub closed indefinitely, and the opening date pushed back from late December to late January. Miss Bike and I resorted to stealing an invitation blue-tacked to the cash register in the bottleshop. Not very well executed may I add.

There was also a lot of infighting, namely Danny, Panda, Andy & Missingham in various combinations. There was also a record number of bannings. Toothless Pete (for life), Andy (for 3 months), Missingham (1 month), Danny (3 months). Also one banning that resulted in a deportation from the country (Canada).

The now defunct badge draw went off to a good start, until they started handing our badges to anyone and everyone, including a few local cats and a couple of dead people. Hence the numbers got up into the thousands and everyone stopped going. if it’s one thing the Hole excels at it’s a marketing disaster of grand proportions.

There was Jason’s spiritual de-pantsing, where he lost his license for the 3rd time DUI. However in true Jason style he simply drove around without one until it was returned to him. I am totally mystified at how he gets away with these things. It’s like the riddle of the Sphynx.

The Cremorne McDonalds re-opened, much to the delight of the 3 am drunken Hole patrons and the Hole introduced a Trivia night that goes for 3 hours.

In January Miss Bike and I were informed that Jason had impregnated his long suffering, almost past her use by date ex, because he felt guilty (yes kids, guilty) that she had waited around for him so long. One could argue that there is a valid reason why 2 people who obviously need floaties in the shallow end of the gene pool should not be allowed to mate, but I digress.

In relationship matters, Miss Bike and I spent entire year either not talking to, igoring, or stalking & shagging Jason & Bad Smell, in a trend we wish discontinue.

This brings me up to the end of January, part 2 to follow…..

Has Jason Found God?

Oh hang on wait, that's Russell.

Banned From Parraween Street… FOR LIFE!!

After being involved in yet another case of public mischief in Parraween Street on Saturday evening, it appears Miss Contradiction and myself may be banned from the street for life.

Miss Contradiction got wind earlier in the week that there was going to be an invaluable celebrity stalking opportunity on Saturday. Apparently some movie was premiering there or something. The details aren’t important. What is important is that an opportunity presented for us to make a spectacle of ourselves. We seized the opportunity with both hands.

We rocked up there about six, both already plastered. I had been drinking at the new and improved Kirribilli RSL all afternoon and gambling with Kelvs (as a side note, I took fixed odds on Zipping for the Cup tomorrow). Miss Contradiction had apparently been at the hairdressers all afternoon, but still somehow managed to be drunk.

So we stopped in at the BWS to grab some booze to take with us. Miss C insisted on buying some fucking fancy bottle of wine, despite me pointing out the logistics of drinking wine in the middle of the street. Wouldn’t something in individual bottles prove more appropriate for drinking in public? You’d think so. Miss Contradiction instead asked the bottleshop staff if we could have tasting glasses – you know, those little plastic ones. They couldn’t find any so instead presented us with two big, heavy, glass beer mugs that came with some promotion.

We wandered across the street and hung out with some old people, who clearly wanted us to get lost. I am getting tired of typing, so to sum up:

• Miss Contradiction tripped over one of our brand new mugs and smashed it everywhere.
• 80-year-old Kelvs drove past in his car to see what all the fuss was about and we started woohing and cheering like he was a celeb.
  
• There was a cute dog called Oscar who was excited about all the action who we were terrorising.
• I started yelling at Big Brother evictees to “get back in the house, we don’t want you here”.
• When Cate Blanchett arrived, I held up the dog and yelled “Hey Cate, do you want an Oscar”.

Then we pissed off back to the hole and ended up having Absinthe shots and more wine. Not surprisingly, I was passed out by 7.30pm.

Yes, we are very classy people.

The Jason Project

Sooooo... Is that anything like the Blair Witch Project?

I Bought...

A black wifebeater with sequins on it.

I just couldn't help myself.

It can be my 'good' wifebeater. I can wear it when attending formal occasions with Uncle Pete.

Jason Went Number Twos In Miss Contradiction's Bed During Sex

And no, it wasn't a kinky thing either. It was purely accidental and because he is filthy and disgusting.

Then he tried to blame her cat. Now trust me, Miss Contradiction's cat is a very proud purebred and would never, ever go to the toilet where she sleeps. I've shared a bed with Miss Contradiction and cat numerous times and we've never had the problem of waking up lying in excrement (yet).

Speaking of which... note to self: don't sleep in Miss Contradiction's bed again until sheets have been burned and Jason poo spirit has been exorcised.

Guess Who’s Back?

For all those who guessed Slim Shady, go and stand in the naughty corner. No, we have another bona fide local legend back in our midst: the artist formerly known as Canada (okay, he is still known as that).

An introduction to Canada

It all started surprisingly enough in the country of Canada around 30 years ago, with the birth of a child (also called Canada). Actually he does have another name, but I forget what it is. Oh and also, he may not actually be from Canada as he claims, given that his accent is more like a Cockney bootblack (“shine yer shoes, guv?”) than a Canadian local.

Canada was a Megahole regular for some years before getting himself deported last December. Well he tried to be a regular, but would routinely get ejected every Friday and Saturday night by 10pm. The reason for this is that he has absolutely no control over his demeanour or behaviour when he’s off his face, and would sit slumped in a couch making no effort to hide the fact that he was off his dial.

In fact, Canada fancied himself as something of a small-time dealer. If this was the case, he was certainly the most inept drug dealer I’ve ever met. He would sit in the pub talking about how good his “gear” was at the top of his voice, then launch into a session of aforementioned slumping and gurning, as described above.

So then he got deported last December and had to marry some Western Suburbs slurry in order to be allowed to come back into the country in six months. At Villawood Detention Centre next to the Coke machine, no less. I think he also knocked her up. Also at Villawood Detention Centre next to the Coke machine. But now he’s back!!

Word on the street is that Canada is celebrating his re-entry into Australia with copious amounts of illicit substances. That’s my boy!

Rocket Rod will be most pleased indeed to have his little playmate back.

Any bets on how long until he’s deported again?

It's All Miss Contradiction's Fault

Did you know that it's all Miss Contradiction's fault that the favourite Maldivian got scratched from the Caulfield Cup after braining itself on the barrier?

Well, this is according to my father (Kelvs), who made this outlandish claim while we were down at the Mosman RSL yesterday afternoon watching the race and getting blind drunk.

My father, who was quite the ladies' man back in the day, has clearly gone senile in the last few years as he says some very strange things to Miss Contradiction, including:

* Stating that she had 'redeemed herself for the Maldivian affair' after he backed a winner a few races later
* Threatening to kneecap her
* Telling her to think of original things to say after she agreed with him once

My father is a strange man.

Hope it doesn't run in the family.

Coming Soon: The Misadventures Of Mr Poopy Pants

This story is so disgusting that I can't bring myself to type it.

Disgusting, but hilarious, and a serious threat to my already tenuous hold on my sexuality.

Yes, dear blog stalkers, after hearing this story I may truly never have sex again.

Jason.

Penny Traiton

OK, after a long hiatus, I am back to blogging.

It pains me deeply to admit it, but Thursday nights at the Hole have livened up no end with the addition of the 7ft tall bingo calling drag queen "Penny Traiton".

We are even friends on Facebook.

The best part is when the local losers try to heckle her, she absolutely tears them to shreads with her wonderfully acidic repartee.

In other news, I had 3 alcoholic days this week and I think my body went into shock.

No News To Report

Please note that there is no news to report. Except that Andrew texted me at 2am last Friday morning asking for my hand in marriage.

AS IF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If You Could Date Anyone In The World, Who Would It Be?

My choice is Sonic The Hedgehog, but only because Mario is in a complicated relationship right now.

Our Adventures In Jason’s Old Stomping Ground

Did you know that Jason is apparently a ‘Balmain Boy’ at heart? Well this is according to him. He lived there for about six months once and now considers himself a Balmain Boy. He likes the aura of working class-meets-yuppy chic that being a Balmain Boy gives him. Let’s face it Jason, you’re a Liverpool Boy through and through. Stop trying to talk yourself up.

The point of all this is that Miss Contradiction and I decided to have a night out in Balmain on Saturday night. We quite enjoy the suburb from time to time but don’t call ourselves Balmain Girls just because we walked down Darling Street once.

So we went to the Exchange Hotel and decided to be sociable. Miss Contradiction was bumbling around in a drunken haze and crashed a buck’s party. She literally walked through the cordoned off bit and didn’t notice the sign and cordon until I pointed it out. The bucks were funny for a while but then we noticed they were making fun of us so decided to pack it in for the night.

We ended up back at the hole. It was packed. This might sound like a good thing but trust me, it wasn’t. You literally couldn’t throw a glass without hitting someone who was either psychotic, 12 years old or dressed badly. There was one particular car crash who I just couldn’t stop staring at – a blonde piece in a white mini skirt, thigh-high white stockings and some weird pink thing wrapped around her neck or head (can’t quite remember, I was drunk). For starters, without being bitchy, she didn’t have the figure for it (well no one has the figure for a fashion disaster like that, quite frankly), and secondly, even if it WAS a dare or fancy dress you still shouldn’t wear that sort of thing in polite society.

So we migrated upstairs to the erstwhile ‘real man’s room’ (RMR) for a game of pool. After having a groove to the Pointer Sisters’ “Jump (For My Love)” (I seem to remember doing some of my jazz ballet moves circa 1986) we noticed that two blokes had infiltrated the RMR. Long story short, Miss Contradiction ended up pashing someone called Mario and basically told him that he was taking her out for dinner. Poor, poor Mario. It was a tragedy when he ran off. Well, not really because I drank the rest of his drink.

The end.

BREAKING NEWS!!!

Someone is Interdork stalking me!! Well it's not really Interdork stalking because it's via SMS, but it's still the most exciting thing that's happened to me since... well... since the last time I was stalked (when Jason threatened to sic the Bandidos onto me).

I have narrowed the list of suspects to:

* Jason
* Lobo
* Jason
* Andrew
* A man in a chicken suit
* Miss Contradiction

Who could it be? Only time will tell.

GO MELBOURNE!!!!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Is Andrew Dead?

One would assume from his recent silence that it may well be the case...

P.S. Boozy lunch at Cabana

Jason Touches Down In The Information Age

After years of blundering around the Internet trying to work out the difference between email and tinnea, it appears that Jason Gray has finally conquered the Internet (or Facebook, at least).

Well, he's worked out how to join Facebook. Accepting friend requests is another matter.

I wonder what relationship it is that he's referring to? Last time I checked, the only meaningful relationship Jason has had in the past decade is with his icepipe.

Stupid, stupid Jason. He ripped me off for $20 at The Oaks on Friday night.

I hate Jason.

Percy's - The Place To Be

Miss Contradiction and myself have been looking for a new place to haunt given the extreme crappiness of the hole of late and we may have found it in Percy's, also known as 'the pub opposite St Leonards Park with the bottleshop that we used to buy alcohol at underage'.

We lobbed into Percy's for the Manly v Cowboys game on Saturday night and were impressed by the ratio of men to women. That is, there were approximately 100 men to 5 women. It's obviously the new place to pick up.

After all, the best time to coerce sexy fun times out of most men is after they've been watching sport and all the testosterone is high. Which is what Percy's is all about. So let it be known: Percy's is now the place to be.

The end.

Thought For The Day

"Supporting the Manly Sea Eagles is a condition caused by a genetic fault. This condition has so far proved resistant to electroshock therapy, extensive psychotherapy and psychiatric medication".

Some of the most annoying people I have ever met in my life have been fervent Manly supporters.

P.S. How did Ratboy from Manly get the sexiest man in league? Especially compared to the likes of Sonny Bill Williams, Eric Grothe Jnr and, of course, the ever sexy Nathan Hindmarsh.

NEWSFLASH: The Hole Hits A New Low

Yes, just as we thought the hole couldn't get anymore desperate and pathetic than it already is, it has managed to sink to a new low.

More details as they come to hand / when I sober up...

I swear to God, the new management / security need to have a giant cucumber put up their arses. Not because it would accomplish anything, but because I would find it incredibly funny.

I am just glad that when you Google Megahole, this site comes up on the first page so everyone can realise how much everyone hates it.

Anyway, back to preparing my muff-grazing skirts to impress hole security (who BTW can't tell a pair of $120 Skechers from a pair of $20 Target strippertastic heels as the majority of the clientele were wearing tonight).

Why would I ever imagine that a man could make a solid fashion call?

P.S. Boycott the hole, you will not see me there again unless I am really drunk and dragged there, I am glad I told the bouncers 'this place gets more pathetic by the day' and stormed off. Becuase it's true.

NATURAL DISASTER ALERT!!

Warning to all Lower North Shore residents!!

Jason started text stalking me at around 11am EST so I said 'shouldn't you be swindling a customer, get back to work' and he said 'I'm not at work today'.

Miss Contradiction made the mistake of telling Jason that we are going to The Oaks after work and he has made plans to stalk his way into the pub.

So lock up your pets and batten down the hatches! Jason is on his way... and he should be considered drunk and dangerous!

Separated At Birth?

Jason Update

Well as you all probably know by now talking about Jason is the most important thing in our lives so here's another update.

Miss Contradiction and I were bored yesterday and emailed Jason to find out why he hasn't joined Facebook yet as he has a tribute group going. In reply, Jason droned (yes, Jason manages to drone in email) 'how do I get there?'. What, he thinks he can drive to Facebook?

Anyway it transpires that Jason couldn't handle life at the Good Guys Alexandria without his little boyfriend (Bad Smell) and handed in his resignation yesterday afternoon (I told you their co-dependence is alarming). Turns out he couldn't get a position at Bad Smell's new shop so is biding his time at a shop in Belrose somewhere, presumably selling fridges. Which is all well and good as long as he doesn't move back to our area.

Updated list of suburbs to avoid:
- Dulwich Hill
- Belrose
- Kensington

Alexandria is now safe for re-entry.

TIMMY

Who thinks it's true?

I don't, but it makes for a good yarn.

Babies: Are They The Latest Fashion Accessory?

Well as you can all see by the photos of Jason in his mould shirt that have been posted below, he is the height of fashion and is always right on the cutting-edge of any trend.

Therefore it comes as no surprise to hear that babies are the latest fashion accessory - after all, Jason did it months ago.

Call me old fashioned, but personally I think the decision to have a baby requires a little more thinking time than your average accessory purchase of, say, a new pair of leggings or Loony Tunes novelty tie.

But if everyone else is doing it, maybe I should too. Now all I need to find is a loser to knock me up.

The Misadventures Of Jason Part 363

I am happy to report that Miss Contradiction and Jason are newly minted BFFs.

They were on the phone for several hours last night discussing the mysteries of Facebook, Lobo and some lame movie starring Will Smith.

The plot thickens...

How long until they announce their engagement? I predict two days.

Long Weekend Suggestions

I am pulling myself out of my chronic illness-induced rut and am ready to hit the punching bag of life with a vengeance come the long weekend at the end of this month.

Yes I realise it's still 10 days away but I need a while to plan my outfits (i.e. make some alterations now that I am apparently a lard arse).

What is going on? Some cool dance party that I will feel out of place at if I attend? A stalkers' convention at which I can give a presentation? Any grand final BBQs people want to invite me to?? Who wants to bet that we'll spend the long weekend sitting in the dark recesses of the pub getting shitfaced?

P.S. Go Parra
P.P.S. Lobo

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT #4,561,923

Miss Contradiction and I have finally decided to get married!

More details as they come to hand...

P.S. Lobo

Jason Gray Is Special - Part Two

Jason Gray Is Special - Part One

Thought For The Day

This is perfect weather for getting drunk in a beer garden. Discuss...

I think I may have a liquid lunch at ye olde Cabana Bar tomorrow followed by a lengthy pub crawl.

Will I Get Kicked Out Of My School Reunion?

I had the weirdest dream last night that I went to my school reunion and upset someone then got banned and everyone hated me. Actually it was weird and exciting at the same time.

I had work lunch at Pino's. I am drunk.

Jason "Metheuselah" Gray

And now something for the category of 'desperate and disgusting old men whom either Miss Contradiction or myself have had sex with (and thoroughly regret it) and who are celebrating their four hundred millionth birthday':

IT'S JASON GRAY'S 45TH BIRTHDAY TOMORROW!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, METHEUSELAH!!

NOT THAT YOU EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE THE INTERNET SO YOU WON'T BE READING THIS!!

I am going to get him a framed photo of myself as a present.

HINDMARSH FOR PM!!

I endorse the Hindmarsh for PM campaign!!

P.S. I am currently watching Manly/Souths and I would love nothing better than to see Manly get their arses served up to them on a platter. However unlikely that may be.

Panda News!

Members of Panda's extended family follow him Down Under!

STOP PRESS!!!

Jason has just been nominated for the Father of the Year Award!! (I nominated him).

Here's a picture of the present I got him for Father's Day!!

The Ballad Of Ryan Fugly

Gather around the campfire children because Aunty Bike wants to tell you a tale of caution about a certain 'fugmeister' who used to hang around the Cremorne Hotel called Ryan.

I have not seen him in a while but you may remember him as a certain deformed hobbit-looking bloke who was adept at making the skin of women crawl.

I sent out a group text message to my usual suspects tonight re: Jason's Father's Day present of an apron with boobs and Ryan Fugly had the NERVE to respond in a negative fashion.

When I sober up tomorrow and have hours to fill at work I will divulge full details.

Signing off,
Town Bike.

P.S. I still really need to know who Timmy is

Facts About Jason (Or: A Jason Summary)

1. Jason spends most of his time roaming the countryside at all hours of the night and day looking for tail.

2. Jason smokes methamphetamines.

3. Heath Ledger's character in Candy was loosely based on Jason.

4. Jason bears a passing resemblance to matinee idol, Russell Crowe.

5. Jason used to work at 2nds World in Cremorne.

6. Jason sells whitegoods for a living.

7. Jason is turning 37 later this month.

8. Jason must have a billy in the morning to function normally. He calls it his 'breakfast bong'.

9. Jason is a loser.

Weekend Wrap-Up

I experienced one of the most annoyingly crapulent nights of my life on Friday. It was my sister’s birthday so we convened at the Vineyard wine bar/restaurant in Crows Nest to celebrate. Don’t ask me what the food was like, I can’t remember and I don’t think I actually ate. What I do remember however is Miss Contradiction falling off her chair in a spectacular fashion onto the pavement on Willoughby Road. Classy, classy stuff. Note to self: find new boyfriend and force him to take me on dinner dates to the Vineyard so I can work out what the food was like because perusing the website today, it looks like it’s pretty damn good.

After that Miss Contradiction stumbled off somewhere drunkenly so I headed to the Stoned Crow with my sister and some of her friends. What the hell has happened to that place? It used to be a grungy dive (and I say that with the utmost affection because I love grungy dives). My dad used to take my mum on dates there 35 years ago and apparently she got so drunk one time she had to be carried out. Now the place is sterile and covered in tiles and looks like any other generic suburban bar.

After that I dropped into the hole solo to see if there was anyone around I could stalk. Unfortunately I didn’t realise how drunk I was and ‘mysteriously’ my nose started to bleed profusely so I made a quick getaway…

… only to find my sister passed out underneath the letterboxes outside my apartment block. Literally passed out. I managed to drag her inside but she headed straight to the bathroom and sat with her head over the toilet for a few minutes. Finally she said she was ok and wanted to go to bed. I put her in my bed and she lay there for approximately a minute before projectile vomiting all over my bed and floor. Needless to say, I spent a thrilling Saturday washing my sheets and cleaning vomit off my carpet.

Saturday night Jason was phone stalking Miss Contradiction and I for some reason but neither of us answered the phone so who knows what he wanted? Jason hates his stalking. Well actually I sent him a message asking if he was related to Jason Voorhees but that’s it, I swear.

Sunday my sister and I went with my father to Aqua Dining at North Sydney pool for Father’s Day. I ate some stuffed zucchini, knocked back half a bottle of Eden Valley chardonnay and ranted about my latest topic du jour, Abe Saffron (I have just finished reading the book Mr Sin) . Turns out my mum and dad had dinner with him in Rose Bay one night. Then my sister drove back to Canberra and I wallowed in a pile of my own crapulence watching Parra smash Brisbane.

The end.

P.S. Who is Timmy? I simply must know it’s killing me

Party On Down, Dudes!

Wasn't there something on Sex and the City about bingo hosted by drag queens? I mean come on, Cremorne is hardly New York and Poncho is hardly Carrie Bradshaw.

Though a few locals have similar lifestyles to Samantha, I must say.

P.S. Could the Hotel Cremorne get any more pathetic if it tried?

Sitting In The Shallows Getting Drunk = New Black

I am so happy the warmer weather is slowly approaching.

Some of the best times Miss Contradiction and I had last summer were spent sitting in the shallows at Balmoral with beer and wine getting drunk.

All we need is a floating esky and the summer will be set!

Should I Spend $180 On A New Swimming Outfit Thingy?

Decisions, decisions...

Anything that covers up my unsightly stomach has to be a blessing for everyone else.

Jason, Nautica 'Get Their Stalk On'

Well once again the pick up artists formerly known as Jason and Nautica (okay they are still known by those names) managed to infiltrate the weekend.

Jason's stalking program kicked off on Friday night, or more specifically Saturday morning. At 5.30am. I woke up at around 6am with a terrible (physical) pain in my stomach and little was I to know that soon that physical pain in the gut was going to be joined by a metaphorical one. Yes, I checked my phone and Jason had called half an hour before and left a voice mail message. Nothing profound, just some loud music in the background and him droning my name down the phone line. Later that morning I discovered he had been stalking Miss Contradiction too. A few things:

1. Does he really think he is going to get a root out of someone at 5.30 in the morning, which clearly signals he is making the call because all other options have failed,
2. Why is he calling me at all because he will never, and I repeat never, get a root out of me (he was probably calling me in the hopes I was with Miss Contradiction and would encourage her to sleep with him. Yeah, whatever).

Saturday I got drunk and wandered up to the Oaks in the evening. When everyone else went home I was not ready to go as I was off my face so I ended up hanging around the hole for an hour or two staring at a wall. That is one of my favourite things to do when off my face. But I digress. On my way home at about 11.30pm, maybe midnight, I decided it would be a good time to start stalking random people with text messages. Now my phone doesn't store outgoing messages so I can't be sure of exactly what I wrote but from memory it was something about shoes and sex. Riveting stuff I'm sure.

One other thing my phone doesn't store anymore is people's names. Well it probably does but over the last six months I've become too lazy to do so. Basically I have a whole heap of numbers with no names attached. I rely on working out who the person is by the tone of their messages. So I was sending out random messages about shoes and sex to numbers and I have NFI who the owners of those numbers are. Probably not such a good idea in retrospect but... oh well.

Well actually I do know who owned one of the numbers. Nautica. I could tell because the next morning (I passed out about 30 seconds after writing the messages) I had seven - yes SEVEN - return text messages from Nautica. God he makes a fool of himself. He was writing all this pornographic shit to me about various body parts of mine and even some corny crap about me being a 'real woman'. Was there ever any doubt... I mean, did I ever try and pass myself off as a blow-up doll?? And isn't 'real woman' usually code for 'fat'??? Jesus Christ Nautica, way to make a gal feel special.

Thinking about Nautica actually makes me feel slightly ill. I wish he would accidentally set fire to his beard one night then be so distracted by the burning beard that he falls down a hole and gets stung by a bee.

I spent most of Sunday both vomiting and haemorrhaging and generally being sick and cranky. Probably wasn't such a good idea to binge drink on Saturday. Stupid Prednisone. Hope it starts working soon.

The end.

I Miss The Northpoint

I just realised how much I miss the ol' Northpoint (AKA 'No Point') in North Sydney. Really when you think about it the hole (although in the same vein as the Northpoint) doesn't really measure up, does it?

- $5 jugs Wednesday night
- $2.50 spirits Thursdays (every time I think of the Northpoint, I get the taste of OP rum and coke in my mouth)
- The neon blue pool table
- House of the Dead video game
- Free pool on Saturday afternoons
- You could sit at the tables outside in the arcade and smoke
- More random losers than you could poke a stick at
- The El Mustachio bouncer Ibby (or whatever his name was) who used to try and put it on me all the time and rang me at work once

I never thought I'd say this but I kind of miss the Northpoint.

WARNING!!

Warning to everyone who is planning on coming into contact with me over the next 3 weeks!!

I am back on that charming corticosteriod Prednisone for out-of-control Crohn's Colitis and am about to have a psychotic break thanks to the mood swings and insomnia!!

SOMETIMES I WISH THEY'D JUST TAKE MY BLOODY INTESTINE OUT (pun intended)!!

REEEAAARGHH

Perhaps I can use my mood for good instead of evil and beat someone up at the pub this week. Perhaps even Robbie if you're all lucky.

Pot, Meet Kettle. Kettle, This Is Pot

Once again I was hanging out with Bad Smell and his sister at The Oaks on Friday night as I am lonely and desperate and everyone else from the area is sick of me.

He said one thing that kept me laughing for the rest of the weekend, along the lines of ‘how many losers there are around the area (Cremorne/Neutral Bay)’. (What? As opposed to his lice-infested drug den in Kensington?)

Ummmm, hello?? This is coming from someone who:

• Is BFFs with Jason the substance addict, butt of all jokes and collector of AVOs (he's had more of those than most of us have had hot dinners);
• Befriends random weirdos off the street whose idea of a fun Friday night is to sit around a dump in Kensington taking pure speed then heading off to the local cathouse to pick up some sexual diseases,
• Rang me one day to tell me he’d spent the previous night sitting at home taking acid and that I should try it sometime because it’s fun (um excuse me, if I’m going to take hallucinogenic substances, I won’t be sitting at home, I’ll be sharing myself with the world), and
• Sells fridges for a living.

POT, KETTLE, BLACK, TO THE MAX!!

Only we may call people from the local area ‘losers’… because after all, they may be losers, but they’re OUR LOSERS!!!

The end.

Has Scottish Dave Moved To Lansvale? (Wherever The Hell That Is)

Man Dies After Club Brawl

A man has been charged with murder after a bar brawl in which another man was killed in Sydney's south-west.

The 43-year-old Lansvale man is due to appear at Liverpool Local Court this morning.

A 34-year-old man died in hospital today from critical head injuries he suffered during the brawl last night at a registered club on Fairview Road at Cabramatta.

Police said the man's family had his life support turned off at Liverpool Hospital about 6am (AEST) today.

A fight broke out between a number of patrons at the club around 9pm last night, police said.

During the fight, the man struck his head on a bar stool as he fell to the ground.

Police are continuing their inquiries.

http://www.smh.com.au/news/national/man-dies-after-club-brawl/2007/08/17/1186857714120.html

Can't We Find Someone More Worthwhile To Stalk?

Saturday night Miss Contradiction and myself decided we were thoroughly sick of Cremorne and its surrounds so we treated ourselves to a night on the town. What's that I hear you say? You crossed the bridge? Well yes, we did.

We ended up stumbling into the Soho bar in Kings X, largely tempted by the two-for-one cocktails (delicious, by the way). So far so good, but that's where the night started falling apart. For independent of each other, we both started to make off-chops phone calls: she to Jason and me to Bad Smell, both inviting them out. Finally we 'fessed up to each other about what we had done and berated ourselves for indulging such losers.

Well they turned up in about two seconds flat - just goes to show how desperate the pair of them must be - and my, wasn't Jason in fine form. Bad Smell and I left for a few minutes to relive one of our favourite pastimes from when we were a couple - cruising down Darlinghurst Road and chatting to hookers - and when we returned Jason was already attempting to stick his tongue down the throat of (a very inebriated) Miss Contradiction.

Bad Smell also made a comment to Jason about how 'well rested' he looks after his paternity leave. HELLO?? WTF?? WELL RESTED?? DO YOU MEAN FAT?? And come on, are you supposed to look well rested after having a child? Aren't you supposed to be frazzled, otherwise you're not doing it properly?? PARENTAL LEAVE IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE A FRICKING DAY SPA, FFS!!!

Other highlights of the night:

* I was wearing my blue Shakuhachi balloon sash dress (see attached picture). The first thing Bad Smell said to me was some lascivious comment about my boobs. No hello, no nothing. Clown.

* I had forgotten how incredibly boring Jason is. I kept trying to escape his monotonous, droning conversation. Once when I got stuck with him he made some comment about how he 'wanted to drink more but couldn't'. I assumed he was asking me for money so I told him I couldn't lend him any. He then jangled his car keys in front of his face to explain that he meant he was driving, then wandered off to buy another beer.

* When I politely asked him how the baby he was, he answered dismissively 'it eats, shits and sleeps'. He then proceeded to tell me how much he hates the name Jennifer and how he was pushing for either my name or my sister's name. He has always had a morbid fascination with my family.

* Bad Smell proceeded to tell me at one stage how he has been trying to get some 20-year-old into bed. I went ballistic at him and told him not to tell me such things. After all, I spare him the gruesome details of my (non-existent) love life.

At about 1am we decided they were boring and annoying so we simply got up and left. We decided to drop into the hole on the way home for a quick drink. It was busy but there was no one we know there except for this weird guy who works at the Mosman RSL so we left.

Then when we were at home Jason rang Miss Contradiction looking for a root. He had 'somehow' ended up in Balmain, his old picking up ground. He asked her to text him the address so she told him the street name without a block number or apartment number. HA!

Then we sent out a couple of annoying text messages to people and passed out.

The end.

Dicko Battled Alcohol And Drug Dependency

Bwahahahahaha... tell us something we don't know



http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/story/0,22049,22218191-5006002,00.html

Minsky's sucks.

Ok, I'm trying to boycott going to the Hole but it hasn't worked when I am drunk. I have ended up in Minsky's not once but 2 nights in a row because I was intoxicated.
You would have thought I would have learned my lesson after Friday night, but NO. I ended up there last night SMASHED and some stupid low life c*#t stole my mobile phone while I was arguing with the bouncer who was trying to kick my mate out.
I HATE that place and now that place has taken away one of the most important things in my life. I have no one's numbers now, I have no photo's, especially my favourite which was of Town Bike and Panda when they became BBF's. I have no alarm clock.
God damn the hole.

My Ultimate Fantasy

Everyone has one. Here's mine:

It's a Parramatta / Manly grand final (NRL). Everyone expects Manly to win because they have paid off so many refs to turn a blind eye to their blatant piss-weakedness. But Parra smashes them by about a zillion points and the whole city parties because everyone hates Manly and all their supporters are a bunch of poetry-reciting morons who would be better suited to life in some kind of hippie commune / cafe / mental institution / anywhere the hell away from me.

I hate Manly.

I love Parra.

PARRA

HINDMARSH IS MY BOYFRIEND

AFTER GERARD BUTLER

AND DANIEL CRAIG

The Curse Of Nautica Strikes Again!

Remember Nautica? (If you don’t: half your luck. But you can click on this sentence to recap.)

Well I have another story to tell about him and his lecherous ways.

Lately Miss Contradiction and I have taken to waking up still off our faces on a Friday or Saturday morning then sending half the people in our phone books messages saying “Panda told me he has a crush on you, you should call him”. We only send them to men and we often send them to Panda, just to confuse him. Perhaps you have been one of the lucky recipients of such a message, if so, you should realise how many hours of hilarity these messages provide us with.

Anyway we must have sent one to Nautica a few weeks ago (I can’t remember but I was probably drunk at the time) because last night I got a message from him saying “Sorry been away, what the hell does Panda has a crush on you mean? Would rather get it on with you than someone called Panda”.

A few points:

1. DREAM ON NAUTICA
2. I haven’t seen Nautica for years and years, why would he assume a message about Panda would be serious?? What an idiot. Why do so many losers have no sense of humour??

Maybe I will get Deputy Dog to get medieval on his ass.

FUCK YOU NAUTICA!! Why don't you go back to doing something you're good at... like, oh I don't know... shooting up pure speed and ripping off pool competitions!!!

To The Person Who Voted 'No' To Reading Our Book About Cremorne...

I'll bet it's because you're illiterate.

Blind Item

I am going to try my hand at writing a ‘guess who don’t sue’-style gossip snippet. Here goes…

Which proud new father was stoned at the birth of his child (at 9am on a Tuesday morning) and celebrated that night by getting off his face on ice at the family home of his ancient baby mamma? Rumour also has it that his drug dealer is making house calls during the three weeks of paternity leave.

PUT YOUR GUESSES HERE!!

Pushing Andrew To The Edge

Quick question: how many times do you think I can be rude to Andrew before he finally snaps and has a go at me?

It's become a bit of a game, waiting to see if it happens or not.

I Am Sick Of Facebook Already

Well, it's only been two weeks since I joined and already I am regretting the day I ever heard about Facebook (2.5 weeks ago).

It's become a magnet for knobheads from high school to stalk me and act like we should be friends now.

HELLO, I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO TALK TO YOU AT HIGH SCHOOL, WHY WOULD I WANT TO TALK TO YOU A DECADE LATER ON THE INTERNET?? THAT IS WHY I ACCIDENTALLY 'LOST' ALL YOUR PHONE NUMBERS AND FORGOT YOUR SURNAMES AFTER YEAR 12. BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO KNOW YOU!! DUH

The only person from high school I have kept in touch with is Naroomina because most of the rest of them suck. And now they're all fat and married and have ugly babies. Yuck.

I am so not going to our reunion in October. It's at a bowling club on a Sunday afternoon, for God's sake. Fuck that.

Stupid twee North Sydney Girls.

BREAKING NEWS!!!

Jason has been nominated for the Father of the Year Award.

More details as they come to hand!!

SIGN THE PETITION TO REINSTATE PETE AT THE PUB!!

Click this link to view and sign the petition!!

Email the link to everyone you know! We must have him back!

When Will Pete Be Allowed Back Into The Hole?

Having spent some quality time stalking chatting with Pete at the Oaks the last few Friday nights, it has dawned upon me that it is HIGH TIME HE WAS ALLOWED BACK INTO THE HOLE.

After all, several other people who received lifetime bans have since been allowed back in. Why not Pete?

The place is dying a slow painful death, let's see if Pete can inject some life back into the old girl!

I have the utmost confidence in his abilities.

TOOTHLESS PETE

What Am I Plotting?

Best answer wins a prize.

Guess what the prize is?

Nobody Puts Jason In A Corner

Jason called the child Jennifer.

Jennifer Gray, eh?

Nobody will be putting that baby in a corner.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!

Move over Daniel Craig.

After watching The 300 last night, Gerard Butler (who plays Leonidas King of the Spartans) is my new celebrity boyfriend.

I literally had to wipe up the drool off my chin after two hours of watching Gerard prance around in leather underpants and not much else.

Actually I found him even more attractive in the special features at the end, wearing a t-shirt and jeans and larking around with his sword.

So hot. That body. Drool.

Well, Daniel Craig can still be my second-in-command celebrity boyfriend.

Why are there no men who look like either of these blokes at either the hole or the Oaks? Sigh.

Robbie Impersonator Reads This Site

Perhaps some of you may remember news of the fake Robbie from some months ago - a guy I thought was Robbie but it turns out I was actually just off my face and thought everyone was Robbie.

Here are some links if you need an update on the story:

Robbie's MySpace
Robbie Is Very Learned
Robbie Is Such A Prankster
Keep Pranking Robbie
Stalking Update

It turns out that the Robbie impersonator (who in retrospect looks nothing like Robbie) reads this site.

FUNNY, HUH?

EXCLUSIVE: Facebook Is The New Black

I may never need this blog again. Apparently there are more cyber shenanigans than you can poke a stick at over at Facebook!

Will you miss us if we stop writing stuff on this blog?

Babies 'v' Louboutins

It has just occured to me, as I looked down admiringly at my delicious new pair of Christian Louboutin black pumps, that I recieved them on the same day as Jason's baby was born.

I think my love affair with my shoes will last a lot longer than Jason's interest in the baby.

Do we have any idea what this childs name is? Or do we need another poll?

I vote for Pandara.

Happy Doomsday, Mankind!

Yes ladies and gentlemen, Doomsday is upon us.

Today is the day that Jason ‘Jerk Face’ Gray becomes a daddy as they are inducing his elderly sugar mumma’s labour/giving her a C-section/whatever the hell it is they do to make a woman give birth on a certain date.

I found this out as Bad Smell texted me to tell me he was ‘nervice’ about the delivery (I assume he means nervous) as he was going to be there because Jason was too scared to go on his own.

I am guessing it’s more likely that Jason has no intention of showing up and needs someone to drive grandma home from the hospital after the birth.

To celebrate the birth of the Antichrist, I’d like to dedicate this poem, ‘The Second Coming’ by WB Yeats. Appropriately it’s about the birth of the Antichrist. I’ve highlighted the relevant passages.

Please note that I bear this child no ill-will. I just think Jason should have been neutered at birth. And I really like this poem.

THE SECOND COMING
Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all convictions, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.

Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: a waste of desert sand;
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Wind shadows of the indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

Jason is Confused by the Term Womaniser

"Noun
1.
womaniser - a man who likes many women and has short sexual relationships with them
philanderer, womanizer
Casanova - any man noted for his amorous adventures
Don Juan - any successful womanizer (after the legendary profligate Spanish nobleman)
debauchee, libertine, rounder - a dissolute person; usually a man who is morally unrestrained
Lothario - a successful womanizer (after a fictional seducer)
adult male, man - an adult male person (as opposed to a woman); "there were two women and six men on the bus"
masher, skirt chaser, woman chaser, wolf - a man who is aggressive in making amorous advances to women"

Yes Jason did his random attempt to get me in to bed again, you know by abusing me and calling me stupid.

The next day I told him he has deep seated issues with women he should address for the sake of his daughter.

He replied that he has no problem, he loves women.

NO JASON, RUNNING AROUND LIKE A DOG ON HEAT EMBARKING ON ONE MEANINGLESS ONE NIGHT STAND AFTER ANOTHER MEANS YOU ARE A WOMANSIER, TOTALLY DIFFERENT TO LOVING WOMEN YOU RETARD.

Ok, I have finished ranting in capital letters now.

Media Release: The Cremorne Hotel Has Jumped The Shark

We stumbled into the Cremorne Hotel - also known in some circles as ‘the megahole’ - in the early hours of Saturday morning to find the place as dead as a dodo.

Yes, as predicted, the new no-smoking laws have killed the place. I cannot conceivably see it returning to its former glory at any time in the near future.

We now officially have no reason to frequent the hole.

In other news, Jason is still an over-sexed loser – but it’s Miss Contradiction’s story, so I’ll let her tell it.

It’s very hard for one to respect a person who has no control over their baser instincts, mais oui?

The Infamous Red Room Dream Sequence From Twin Peaks

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gMXjjHFz__A

Is the YouTube link, if anyone is interested.

Miss Contradiction and I plan to cloister ourselves away and watch the remainder of series 2 on Sunday whilst getting drunk.

Yes, we do lead very exciting lives!!

Cat Intervention

Several months ago Miss Contradiction and myself were planning a cat intervention for my ex-boyfriend, or ‘Bad Smell’ as he is known on this blog.

It all started around Easter when we found out that he had stolen a two-week-old kitten from her mother (actually the mother rejected the litter, but that is by-the-by). The cat was tiny and kept getting lost underneath the piles of crap that Bad Smell is cultivating in his apartment. It looks something like the cat pictured here. Also the cat was not vaccinated and was not having mother’s milk to help its immune system – with hygienically challenged people such as Jason spending time with Estelle (her name), she was heading for some serious illnesses.

And seeing as Bad Smell can’t even look after himself, let alone a cat, we were extremely worried for its wellbeing.

So we were planning a cat intervention. The idea was to get together Bad Smell's friends and family (ie Jason and Bad Smell’s psychotic sister, whose hobbies include randomly punching walls and refusing to take her anti-psych medication) and to spring out at him when he came home from work one day, expressing our concerns for the cat. I know what happens at interventions because I saw it on an episode of Beverly Hills 90210 once.

However this plan never came to fruition as we realised that Jason and the psycho sister would just be there for the free beer and wouldn’t really give two hoots what happened to the cat.

Lately I have been worried about the cat. I want to know if it’s still alive. What should we do?

Watch Out Jason!!

Operation Milstead is coming to get you and your goblin!!

Favourite Kelvsisms

Courtesy of my 80-year-old father:

“I’ll come down on you like a tonne of hot bricks”
“I’ll boot you into the middle of next week”
“I’ll put him down the bottom of a well”
“I’m as crook as Rookwood”
“It was as funny as a circus”
“He was so ugly, he looked like he could haunt houses”
“Your Majesty” (said when addressing a magistrate in local court)
“I was doing my arse then I put $3000 on the thing and was in front”
“Craig Wing is a f$%^&*(“

ADD YOURS HERE

No One Will Come To Junee With Me!

I have set my heart on going away for a long weekend to Junee so I can hang out at Monte Cristo, ‘Australia’s most haunted house’.

Except no one will go with me!!

Perhaps Jason might escort me.

Or his pet goblin.

It’s too bad I have so few friends.

Perhaps Miss Contradiction will come if I tell her Junee also houses a chocolate/licorice factory.

Is Moll Flanders A Smacky?

I heard a rumour on Friday night that Moll Flanders is, in fact, a smacky.

Miss Contradiction seems to think this is impossible because Moll is a yoga instructor.

Personally I see no reason why someone can’t be both a yoga instructor and a smacky.

It certainly would explain some of her very bizarre behaviour.

All the more reason to sleep with her ladies and gentlemen, I say!!

This Is Scottish Dave's Personal Website

www.hotelmosman.com.au

He loves to hang out there, sipping his la-di-da cocktails and threatening passers-by with grevious bodily harm.

Mainly because he has been banned for life from every other drinking establishment between Hornsby and Palm Beach.

WE LOVE YOU SCOTTISH DAVE!!

This Is Miss Contradiction's Personal Website

www.buenavistahotel.com.au

She loves hanging out at the Buena... mostly because of a certain ex-barmaid with whom she does breakfast every Saturday morning!!

Now Here's How A Pub Website SHOULD Look!!

Click here

See! It's not that hard!!

P.S. I only bag out the pub so much because I love it.

Welcome To Amateur Hour At The Cremorne Hotel

WHO THE FUCK IS RESPONSIBLE FOR DESIGNING THE HOTEL CREMORNE WEBSITE?? As I would like to hunt them down and remove from them any website design credentials they might have.

Though that seems fairly unlikely as the site is SO DAMN AMATEURISH IT HURTS.

I could design a site better than that and my web design skills are limited, at best.

For fuck's sake, if you are going to spend $2M renovating a shithouse nightclub that no one even goes to anymore couldn't you at least spend $10K outsourcing your website design to a proper company??

I mean the internet is the way of the future, after all. All the young go-getters have internet these days.

Take this page for example http://www.hotelcremorne.com.au/index.html It's just a page with images on it that aren't even aligned or sized properly. It is so ugly it makes me not want to go to the pub.

I hate this website so much. In fact it makes me ANGRY IN ITS INCOMPETENCE!!

SHDRUITHRDUHDTUBHG0493557T6Y347T3268021EJD$$&$%^

I am never going to drink at this pub AGAIN!

Welcome To Haiku Thursday

We will be accepting Haiku submissions this afternoon on the blog.

Here's one that Miss Contradiction prepared earlier:

Jason likes his ice
That he smokes through an ice pipe
In the parking lot

Now I must scurry away to write a Haiku myself... back soon...

I like Big Boats

In other news that doesn't concern either the hole or Jason, the USS Kitty Hawk is coming into Sydney Harbour in about half an hour bringing 7000 US Soldiers.

I know Town Bike think my fascination with big boats is somewhat pedestrian, but I don't really care, I'm excited!

Mind you this may be due to the fact that I lead an incredibly boring life most of the time.....

Moll Flanders - Episode 1

Well, well, well. If we don't have a new slapper on the scene at the Cremorne Hotel, we will call her Moll Flanders, although I do believe that may be giving her too much credit.

Now Moll has been on the scene now for a few months and I had already heard of some of her antics but was yet to meet her in full living colour.

She was out in full force on Saturday afternoon, taking any opportunity to bare all by asking one of her *ahem* conquests if he thought she was too skinny. This obviously required her to lift her top up and do a 360 so everyone could ponder whether she had in fact lost weight. Possibly she thought this may not have been obvious in the size 10 childrens t-shirt she was wearing.

Miss Penelope filled me in on the antics of Sunday afternoon, where Moll was big-hearted enough to offer Miss Penelope a girl on girl good time...bless her. Miss Penelope declined.

Although my favourite Moll Flanders tale involves her bedding one bloke in one bedroom, getting up and walking into the flamates room and bedding him directly after. One wonders whether she had the chance to at least wash her nether bits in between.......eeeuuuuughhhhhhh!!!

Slaphorn could be a vestal virgin in comparison to this little number.

Coming Soon To A Blog Near You...

Jason's New TV Series: 'Twin Pipes'

WHO KILLED JASON GRAY?

As we would like to hunt them down and shake their hands.

Happy Birthday Jason, Love Panda

Well it was Miss Contradiction’s birthday yesterday and we undertook a fairly hefty 13-hour bender on Saturday night to celebrate (hole, Peppercorn, Miss Contradiction's house, Oaks, Miss Contradiction's house, hole). I didn't pick up unfortunately, despite my best efforts.

We were supposed to go to Canada Day yesterday but as we both woke up a bit dusty we decided to stay home and watch Twin Peaks instead, after breakfasting on pasta and quiche. I supervised while Miss Contradiction cooked.

It was also a day of many random text messages sent to all and sundry, including messages to various people saying “Happy birthday Panda, love Jason” and “Can you please drop some ice over in the mail box” and an all-time corker “Can you please drop a Marilyna’s pizza over, you can put it under the door, as well as a hat and a turtle” (actually I think I sent that one to everyone in my phone).

God we are so funny sometimes.

PS The hole is still boring and full of losers.

Jason Study Guide

It has occurred to me that some of you may not fully understand the concept of ‘Jason’. Hence I have taken it upon myself to write this Jason Study Guide so you too can converse in our language.

For starters: In himself, Jason is not interesting, funny or amusing. The only interest value he has is what we attribute to him.

What I mean by that is that Miss Contradiction and myself have turned Jason into the ultimate joke. We haven’t seen him in at least six months but he has become the ultimate non sequitur for us.

For example, on a Saturday morning I might wake up hungover and Miss Contradiction might have texted me the message ‘Jason’. So I might text back ‘Jason in the sky with diamonds’. Then she might write back ‘Indiana Jason’. Then I would write ‘In Jason we trust’.

Or on another day we might be having an email conversation at work then Miss Contradiction might email me out of the blue and say ‘are you catching up with Jason tonight?’ and I will write back ‘yes we are catching up for dinner and a movie’.

The third correct usage of the term Jason is when perusing the media. You might see a story about some loser or bum who has been involved in methamphetamines/drink driving. Then you say ‘looks like Jason is up to his old tricks again’.

And last but not least, Miss Contradiction and I have great fun texting Jason when off our faces. Often times this message simply says ‘Jason’, as if to suggest he doesn’t know his own name.

The end.

Jason's Pearls Of Wisdom

Apparently Jason texted Miss Contradiction at 2am this morning to say "I like drunk people".

YES WE KNOW THAT JASON!! YOU ALSO LIKE METHAMPHETAMINES AND PICKING UP WOMEN WITH DISEASES!! Why he felt he had to vocalise his thoughts on drunk people at this particular moment, I'm not sure.

Sometimes he is so profound.

Die Jason.

Media Release - The Oaks is the new Cremorne Hotel

Town Bike and myself have just had a meeting and decided that we are over the hole. Yes, dear readers, I hear your collective gasps of disbelief, however even we have decided that the hole blows.

The Oaks is much more interesting, has better atmosphere and was the venue of a spectacular girl on girl punch on the other night. Where do I sign?

Let's face it, come July 2 the hole is going to be a cemetary anyway.

As tightly as we have held onto it over the years, I believe it is time to finally let the good ol' megahole rest in peace.

Since When Is The Cremorne Hotel A 'Motel'?

Motel my arse. Let's face it, it's a dive, plain and simple, and should be referred to as such at all times.

I mean what will they be calling it next... an inn? Who do they think is going to lob up there for the night, the Virgin Mary?

But I have a feeling this incident did not occur at our 'beloved' Cremorne Hotel. The press DOES love bagging the hole at every opportunity so I have a feeling they would name and shame if it was the C Lounge.

That's one thing the media and my old man have in common: fanatical hatred of the Cremorne Hotel.

Slapporn? Is That You?

Surely this woman who was arrested last night has to be someone we know.

Click here

The Cremorne Hotel Stikes Again!!

Well once again I have fallen victim to the curse of the Cremorne Hotel AKA 'The C Lounge' AKA 'The hole'.

After a night of drinking (apparently we were at the Buena) I tried to get into the pub after midnight but was informed that I could not come in by some boofy loser of a security guard with an obvious superiority complex who looked like he'd just crawled out of the primordial ooze moments before and thrown on a black outfit. A few points:

1. I wasn't drunk, I was off my face. There's a difference, duh!!

2. I didn't look drunk.

3. The bouncer was clearly some sort of magician or mindreader as he decided I was too intoxicated before even looking at me or speaking to me. Thanks for your input, David Copperfield!!

4. The place was empty and come on, it's not like the hole is exactly spoilt for choice for customers!!

5. Drunken losers such as myself are the core business of the pub so if you start refusing them entry it will GO BROKE!!! Who do you think is going to start spending money there, the queen? Nicole Kidman? Ladies who lunch?? I don't think so.

So I went home and passed out on something instead.

TRUE STORY!!

Why do I Keep Going to the Badge Draw????????????

I almost made it straight home last night, but alas, the lure of the hole was too much for me.

Actually, I haven't been there in over a week so I must have been withdrawing.

No, I didn't win, yes I did get hammered, yes I did lose some of my belongings and yes I did go home with an inappropriate man.

All in all your average night at the hole.

Ho hum.

Jason? Is That You?

http://www.smh.com.au/news/national/breath-test-leads-to-huge-ice-seizure/2007/06/21/1182019233631.html

I wonder what he's doing in Griffith?

Must be a big whitegoods convention down there or something.

I Found Jason's Website!

Look, I found what must be Jason's website, the aptly (or not) titled 'So Suave'.

I was particularly interested in part of the so-called 'game plan' to 'entrap women', known as 'neg-hits'.

Apparently this involves insulting someone to pique their interest, and thus get them into 'bed'.

Ok, whatever.

This reminds me of the time Jason left messages on my voice mail telling me to show up at the metropole one night so we could fight to the death. Apparently he was going to bring some of his bikie Bandidos mates with him to beat me good and proper.

Or maybe he wasn't trying to pick me up because I was going out with his best mate at the time.

Like that's ever stopped him before.

Bubastis

"When the Egyptians travel to Bubastis, they do so in this manner: men and women sail together, and in each boat there are many persons of both sexes. Some of the women shake their rattles and some of the men blow their pipes during the whole journey, while others sing and clap their hands. If they pass a town on the way, some of the women land and shout and jeer at the local women, while others dance and create a disturbance. They do this at every town on the Nile. When they arrive at Bubastis, they begin the festival with great sacrifices, and on this occasion, more wine is consumed than during the whole of the rest of the year."

At least now when I'm shitfaced I can tell people it's for a religious holiday, also known as 'Bubastis'.

Blocking email addresses = new black

I have just heard from a ‘reliable source’ (ie Miss Contradiction) that blocking people’s email addresses is the new black.

Miss Contradiction is the queen of blocking email addresses. Not only has she blocked Jason’s address, but also several other people who don’t actually email her anymore, just in case the fancy takes them (a pre-emptive strike).

I would love to get in on this email-blocking caper. In fact, I think I might ring up Goulburn Supermax prison and ask for Ivan Milat’s email address, just so I can add him to my blocked addresses list!

You never know when ol’ Ivan is going to forward you a jokey group email!!

Agony Aunts Part 12,345,789

Due to the fact that the site has become rather boring of late (and in all honesty I am running out of things to say because nothing ever happens in my uneventful life) here is your next Agony Aunts post.

Ask us anything about anything and we'll attempt to answer it.

All sexual propositions should go here too.

Love,
Town Bike

Jason is an Idiot Episode 3,578

Months and months ago, Town Bike and I put Jason on the Cremorne Hotel’s email listing.

Just then, he forwarded about 6 emails from them to me.

I am unsure as to why, however I think he may have been under the impression that he was being clever. Or perhaps he struck out at the Attic at the weekend and this is a new version of “Log on to a screen and call me”. BTW, all were signed with his lame arse auto signature;

Kind Regards

Jason Gray
Whitegoods Manager

I responded thus;

“FFS!!!

If you don’t want these emails then just opt out using the link at the bottom of the email you idiot. Don’t send them to me.

As you are obviously too stupid I have done it for you.

Oh yes, I must include my auto signature to prove how important I am”

LOSER, LOSER, LOSER!!!!!!