I Bought...

A black wifebeater with sequins on it.

I just couldn't help myself.

It can be my 'good' wifebeater. I can wear it when attending formal occasions with Uncle Pete.

SIGN THE PETITION TO REINSTATE PETE AT THE PUB!!

Click this link to view and sign the petition!!

Email the link to everyone you know! We must have him back!

When Will Pete Be Allowed Back Into The Hole?

Having spent some quality time stalking chatting with Pete at the Oaks the last few Friday nights, it has dawned upon me that it is HIGH TIME HE WAS ALLOWED BACK INTO THE HOLE.

After all, several other people who received lifetime bans have since been allowed back in. Why not Pete?

The place is dying a slow painful death, let's see if Pete can inject some life back into the old girl!

I have the utmost confidence in his abilities.

TOOTHLESS PETE

Will YOU be my soulmate?

Miss Contradiction and I spent a boozy lunch slash afternoon on Saturday working out who was going to be who in our lives.

This is what we came up with:

Miss Contradiction's life partner and soulmate: Panda
The executor of her will: The glassie, Joe (?)
Her legal advisor: Uncle Pete
Godparents to her children: Licensee and Poncho

My life partner and soulmate: Ivan Milat
The executor of my will: Jason
Legal advisor: That strange guy who works at Peppercorn
Godparents to my children: Missingham and a woman in a chicken suit.

I sent Jason an SMS to ask him if he would be the executor of my will and he didn't respond.

What's up with that?

Sheesh, you try to build a bridge...

Soulmate Update 27.04.07 – Keep Your Pants On, It’s Here!!

Well I was going to write about the debauchery Miss Contradiction and I got up to on Anzac Day last night but lo and behold I came home and my computer decided to have an unscheduled conniption. Needless to say Law & Order seemed to be a more enticing option than reformatting my computer so therefore you didn’t get a blog entry. I blame Jason.

This is aside from the fact that I was pretty out of it on Anzac Day and don’t really remember much of it to report on besides Miss Contradiction, Bubbles and I forcing a poor old ex-serviceman to talk to us at the RSL.

Oh yeah and the majority of the day’s stalking action took place before 9am – Bad Smell turned up randomly on my doorstep at 8am (he had been drinking at the dawn service since 4am), clearly expecting sex. Luckily I wasn’t there at the time.

But anyway. As you all know my soulmate is scheduled to arrive by the middle of the year and I am yet to hear sight or sound of him/her so I decided to go back and get my tarot done at this place in St Leonards to get some more info. I thought seeing as it’s closer to the date she might be able to provide me with a phone number or at least a vague general description.

But no. All she could tell me was that I will have a fling with a younger man first then settle down with a wealthy businessman, with a MARRIAGE (can you believe it) on the cards in the next 12 months. Well I never.

Now I’m puzzling to work out who this wealthy businessman can be. Here are some options we’ve come up with so far:

· Jason (he is the manager of a whitegoods department and knows some influential people in the drug industry)
· Uncle Pete (he runs his own ‘after hours’ business)
· ??? (Ok I only have two options).

She also decided to freak me out by saying at some point randomly ‘your mother is standing behind you right now, by the way’ and I was thinking great, I haven’t seen my mother alive for 13 years and here am I not wearing my best underwear!!

Uncanny.

The Stalking Phone Gets Its First Message!

Caption Competition

Miss Penelope was very clever and managed to track down a gallery of photos from the SoSoBar opening weekend.

So let's have a caption competition with them. We'll post each one separately and you can put your caption in the comments section. This week's is below. Winner gets a quickie in the toilets with myself and Miss Contradiction. If Miss Contradiction or myself win we get a quickie in the toilets with Uncle Pete.

"THE FRUIT SALAD BANDITS RIDE AGAIN"

What's The Best Rumour You've Ever Heard About Yourself?

Combine copious amounts of alcohol with boredom and you have a recipe for one thing: disaster.

Well, make that two things. You also have a recipe for pub gossip.

I love pub gossip. I spread a lot of it myself, even when I've got a pretty fair idea it isn't true. It just makes a drinking session that much more fun.

Over the years I've apparently been both a lesbian and a prostitute. I WISH!!! If only I were that interesting. The truth is far more mundane: real lesbians wouldn't have a bar of me and likewise no one would bother to pay me for sex.

I mean, come on!! Which one am I?? A lesbian or a prostitute?? Because surely I can't be both... unless I am a lesbian prostitute. Now that would be interesting and controversial. However I believe someone we all know and look down on already has the lesbian hooker angle covered.

Actually I think Pete may have started both those rumours.

Let's make a list of all the best rumours that have been started over the past few years. You can use code names to protect the innocent.

Vote In Our Poll

As you will all note by casting your eyes to the right, I have added a poll to the blog to encourage interactivity.

I will change this poll every Friday so if you have any suggestions for future polls, post them here.

Here's some suggestions from me:

* Who will be the next yocal to be banned?
* Who will Slapporn sleep with next?
* How long until Pete is allowed back in?

The Moment is Almost Upon Us

This Friday marks the opening of the So-so Bar. Town Bike and I are dusting off our chicken suits and top hats for the big event.

Apparently there are free drinks and nibbles for the chosen few who have been invited (i.e no one who actually drinks at the pub).

Not surprisingly, the "SoBar" concept is not unique. Whatever marketing retard the Cremorne employs ripped the idea of a melbourne establishment;

http://www.sobaronline.com/

Notice that although the Cremorne felt free to rip off the name, they decided not to emulate this rather well constructed web site. We have broached this subject before, however I will provide the Cremorne link for comparitive purposes;

http://www.sobar.com.au

Pitiful isn't it?

Notice also that the Melbourne establishment actually looks pretty cool. Perhaps we should all head to Melbourne this weekend instead.

At least Uncle Pete isn't banned from the Melbourne branch.

666 - The Number of The Beast

I have it on good authority that the Devil Incarnate will be reborn in about 6 months.

God help us all.

We may need Pete to combat this scourge of darkness that will be amongst us in the near future.

Hole Update

Well Miss Contradiction can't do the hole update this week as she doesn't have a computer so I'll step in briefly.

I dropped in for a few drinks last night to meet the Contradiction-meister before a family Christmas meal thingy at Peppercorn (Miss C couldn't make it as she had an important date with the Muppet's Christmas Carol on TV).

And the big talking point of the night is that Uncle Pete's ban is not for one month, but for LIFE!

What-the fuck-ever!!

You know what my feelings are on this matter so I won't say anymore.

Bad Smell turned up after work and he and Nathan the bouncer spent half an hour reminiscing about blokes from school. All their names seemed to end in 'o' so there was Bizzo, Bloke-o, Wazzo, Smello, etc etc. Apparently Bad Smell was in the first 15 for rugby (whatever the hell that means) and Nathan the bouncer was in the second 15. Bad Smell is 3 years younger than Nathan. Ha ha ha.

Anyway Nathan eventually gave us a double entry pass for the weekend opening of So-So-Bar (even though he gave it to Smell Boy, I snatched it off him and am planning on taking Miss C). It apparently allows free drinks and food between 8 and 10pm and lists the DJs who will be playing, none of which I have heard of.

It also says on the invite that it's open until 'fashionably late'. Excuse me, but I don't think the megahole is licensed to use the word 'fashion' in any way, shape or form.

I am looking forward to going to the opening and having a gander at this mythical nightclub. I'll take my laptop with me and do a live report from the night. Ok maybe I won't do that.

Oh yeah. Merry Christmas etc.

Banning Update

I almost forgot the news story of the decade: UNCLE PETE HAS BEEN BANNED FROM THE HOLE FOR A MONTH.

Absolutely disgraceful - how can you evict a man from his home like that.

You can bet your boob job he's not happy about this.

Hole Update WE 17/12/2006

Ok, ok…I know my update is late.

Problem is I don’t remember much of the weekend due to sheer crapulence.

I had my Xmas party on Friday, so only dropped in to our fave establishment briefly. Town Bike was completely off her face when I got there and was talking in a rare dialect of Swahili.

Saturday we had our inaugural rival Xmas lunch. Fun and merriment was had by all – except for our spiritual leader Pete who could not tear himself away from his spiritual home. Such dedication I am sure you will agree. So we headed back to join him at the megahole.

We did however manage to make him wear a fetching santa hat – it was quite remarkable his resemblance to bad santa (aka Billy Bob).

Saturday night is really just a massive blur. Town Bike piked at 1.30 and I ended up talking crap for around 6 hours to random people. What I was rambling about is a complete mystery.

I stumbled back there around 1pm Sunday until around 7 when I had to pass out on something.

In other news, Miss Penelope has left the country for 4 weeks….I miss my partner in crime. However I do believe she will be our foreign correspondent whilst she is away.

God love her….

Megahole: The Movie

Miss Contradiction and I have decided that the Megahole really is worthy of its own Hollywood blockbuster movie. Here's our notes from a rough brainstorming session we held yesterday.

------
INTRO: From the team that bought you Spice World and Water Rats: The Movie, comes this summer's hottest blockbuster, MEGAHOLE: THE MOVIE.

CAST:

Uncle Pete ................... Brad Pitt
Town Bike ................... Angelina Jolie
Miss Contradiction .... Catherine Zeta Jones
Miss Penelope ............ Kate Hudson
Canada ........................ Adam Sandler
'Rocket' Rod ............... Robert De Niro
Peter 'Stalker' ............ Johnny Depp
Mr Spanky ................. Vin Diesel

PLOT:

None. Any movie about the hole does not have a plot by default.

Here's a picture of Pete and I dancing up a storm at the opening of the So-Bar nightclub:



HOT

What the Hell is Going on with this #@*&% Nightclub?

Well the original opening date of October 28 has well and truly come and gone.

Since then we have been told the:

• 15th December (random blog stalker)
• NYE (Bouncer)
• 11th January (Goldilocks the employee)

I am beginning to despair that this nightclub will ever open.

Pete is going to be really upset about this.

Mark my words.

I Love My Stalker

I can't believe I have a stalker. It's so exciting. It's always been an ambition of mine to have a stalker, and now I do. It's like Christmas has come early.

Love your work, nameless stalker.

In other news, I am wearing my favourite blue wifebeater today. Yes, I am channelling Pete. Do you know that in the seven or so years I've known him, I don't think I've ever seen him out of a blue wifebeater and a flannie.

I even have a photo of myself and Pete together wearing the same wifebeater.

I wonder if he has multiple blue wifebeaters and flannies, or if it's the same one.

I guess it's one of those mysteries we'll never know the answer to.

I am hungover from too many champagnes at the pub. Have a nice day.

Badge Draw Update

Well, once again neither myself or any locals won the badge draw.

I think this can be attributed to the fact they have given out over 500 badges - I think even my cat and Pete the stalker have one, and the fact that a large proportion of the patrons are banned.

This greatly reduces the chance of anyone winning the bloody thing.

Uncle Pete did a celebrity stint and picked the second draw. This was a highlight.

No word on how the 'Mo-vember' promo went.

I am imagining it went dismally.

Can anyone enlighten us?

No pics today kids - blog is playing up.

Watch this space....

The Antler

For readers not familiar with the Antler Bar, we have included a shot of said antler in all its majestic glory. Where in the hell did they find that thing?

The Antler Bar is a cocktail bar that is usually either closed or empty.

Town Bike and I believe the space could be better used as a sick bay, or perhaps Pete could live there.

Other suggestions??

Update: Cremorne Lingo

Crapulence (n): 1. Sickness caused by excessive eating or drinking. 2. Excessive indulgence; intemperance.

USAGE: On Sundays, Mary liked to wallow in her own crapulence.

Jason (n): 1. Classical Mythology. A hero, the leader of the Argonauts, who at the request of his uncle Pelias retrieved the Golden Fleece from King Aeëtes of Colchis with the help of Medea. 2. A male given name: from a Greek word meaning “healer.” 3. The biggest loser in the world, definitely not a healer - more of a giver of pain. 4. A generic term for someone who is an ice addict and a problem gambler.

USAGE: I'm going to hunt Jason down and shoot him in the chest with a speargun, then throw his body into a well.

Megahole (n): 1. A very large hole in the ground. 2. A pub in Cremorne that was once known as the Metropole (see also "eighth wonder of the world"). 3. A woman of loose sexual morals.

USAGE: Seeing Jason at the megahole makes me want to be crapulent.

Titanic (n): 1. A British luxury liner that sank after colliding with an iceberg in the Atlantic on its maiden voyage in April, 1912, with 1517 lives. 2. The nightclub at the Megahole. 3. A woman of loose sexual morals.

USAGE: I'd rather be on the Titanic than in this nightclub right now.

Uncle Pete (n): 1. Godfather of the Megahole. 2. Generically; a woman's ideal man.

USAGE: I want to make slow, passionate love to Uncle Pete.