Taming The Blob: Help Needed

Sunday afternoon at The Oaks has become Red Blob's favourite haunt of late, and as I am planning on spending the time from Saturday afternoon to Sunday night blind drunk, there is a good chance I may run into her there.

I need some inspiration for a witty comeback in case she comes up and starts ranting maniacally at me again. So far I only have:

"You have something in your teeth".

Any other ideas?

An Updated List Of Things That Suck

* Sharing one's bed with another person
* The Megahole
* New Year's Eve
* Bitchy drag queens
* People who think bitchy drag queens are really funny and cool
* Holidays
* Work
* The losers at The Oaks

I am going to run away to Lithuania soon.

My Bonding Session With Jason, Queen Of The Goblins

Jason is a very strange person indeed (but you already knew that, right?). One minute you’ve been spreading malicious rumours about him and he’s threatening to get the Bandidos onto you in a massive showdown at the Megahole, the next minute he’s in love with you again.

As you may or may not know, I am the administrator of a Facebook group devoted to discussing Jason. In all actuality, there isn’t that much to discuss – he’s kind of boring after a while. However on said group there are a few references to him being a loser, smoking ice, picking up lowies, etc etc.

Anyway, long story short, Jason’s aunt found the group last weekend and Jason got mad at me again. I know, I’m still in shock that amoebas can have aunts. So on Friday night, I’m at The Oaks, blind drunk as per usual. He sends me this one message asking where I was and I told him The Oaks. Next thing you know I look up and he’s standing there. He literally appeared out of nowhere.

Jason spent the night pouring out secrets to me, after making me promise not to tell anyone. Now this was just plain stupidity on his part. He must know by now that I am incapable of keeping my mouth shut and would gossip the leg off an iron pot. So when he told me he doesn’t like Lobo, and that Bad Smell has got himself into trouble with some drug-dealing Lebs, naturally I did two things:

1. Tell my two friends immediately
2. Write about it on the Internet.

Then Jason drove me home and I spent most of the next day throwing up. The two incidents may or may not have been related.

I think I also got invited to his baby’s christening. Because Jason and I are like, you know, BFFs and stuff.

The end.

Jason Touches Down In The Information Age

After years of blundering around the Internet trying to work out the difference between email and tinnea, it appears that Jason Gray has finally conquered the Internet (or Facebook, at least).

Well, he's worked out how to join Facebook. Accepting friend requests is another matter.

I wonder what relationship it is that he's referring to? Last time I checked, the only meaningful relationship Jason has had in the past decade is with his icepipe.

Stupid, stupid Jason. He ripped me off for $20 at The Oaks on Friday night.

I hate Jason.

NATURAL DISASTER ALERT!!

Warning to all Lower North Shore residents!!

Jason started text stalking me at around 11am EST so I said 'shouldn't you be swindling a customer, get back to work' and he said 'I'm not at work today'.

Miss Contradiction made the mistake of telling Jason that we are going to The Oaks after work and he has made plans to stalk his way into the pub.

So lock up your pets and batten down the hatches! Jason is on his way... and he should be considered drunk and dangerous!

Jason, Nautica 'Get Their Stalk On'

Well once again the pick up artists formerly known as Jason and Nautica (okay they are still known by those names) managed to infiltrate the weekend.

Jason's stalking program kicked off on Friday night, or more specifically Saturday morning. At 5.30am. I woke up at around 6am with a terrible (physical) pain in my stomach and little was I to know that soon that physical pain in the gut was going to be joined by a metaphorical one. Yes, I checked my phone and Jason had called half an hour before and left a voice mail message. Nothing profound, just some loud music in the background and him droning my name down the phone line. Later that morning I discovered he had been stalking Miss Contradiction too. A few things:

1. Does he really think he is going to get a root out of someone at 5.30 in the morning, which clearly signals he is making the call because all other options have failed,
2. Why is he calling me at all because he will never, and I repeat never, get a root out of me (he was probably calling me in the hopes I was with Miss Contradiction and would encourage her to sleep with him. Yeah, whatever).

Saturday I got drunk and wandered up to the Oaks in the evening. When everyone else went home I was not ready to go as I was off my face so I ended up hanging around the hole for an hour or two staring at a wall. That is one of my favourite things to do when off my face. But I digress. On my way home at about 11.30pm, maybe midnight, I decided it would be a good time to start stalking random people with text messages. Now my phone doesn't store outgoing messages so I can't be sure of exactly what I wrote but from memory it was something about shoes and sex. Riveting stuff I'm sure.

One other thing my phone doesn't store anymore is people's names. Well it probably does but over the last six months I've become too lazy to do so. Basically I have a whole heap of numbers with no names attached. I rely on working out who the person is by the tone of their messages. So I was sending out random messages about shoes and sex to numbers and I have NFI who the owners of those numbers are. Probably not such a good idea in retrospect but... oh well.

Well actually I do know who owned one of the numbers. Nautica. I could tell because the next morning (I passed out about 30 seconds after writing the messages) I had seven - yes SEVEN - return text messages from Nautica. God he makes a fool of himself. He was writing all this pornographic shit to me about various body parts of mine and even some corny crap about me being a 'real woman'. Was there ever any doubt... I mean, did I ever try and pass myself off as a blow-up doll?? And isn't 'real woman' usually code for 'fat'??? Jesus Christ Nautica, way to make a gal feel special.

Thinking about Nautica actually makes me feel slightly ill. I wish he would accidentally set fire to his beard one night then be so distracted by the burning beard that he falls down a hole and gets stung by a bee.

I spent most of Sunday both vomiting and haemorrhaging and generally being sick and cranky. Probably wasn't such a good idea to binge drink on Saturday. Stupid Prednisone. Hope it starts working soon.

The end.

Pot, Meet Kettle. Kettle, This Is Pot

Once again I was hanging out with Bad Smell and his sister at The Oaks on Friday night as I am lonely and desperate and everyone else from the area is sick of me.

He said one thing that kept me laughing for the rest of the weekend, along the lines of ‘how many losers there are around the area (Cremorne/Neutral Bay)’. (What? As opposed to his lice-infested drug den in Kensington?)

Ummmm, hello?? This is coming from someone who:

• Is BFFs with Jason the substance addict, butt of all jokes and collector of AVOs (he's had more of those than most of us have had hot dinners);
• Befriends random weirdos off the street whose idea of a fun Friday night is to sit around a dump in Kensington taking pure speed then heading off to the local cathouse to pick up some sexual diseases,
• Rang me one day to tell me he’d spent the previous night sitting at home taking acid and that I should try it sometime because it’s fun (um excuse me, if I’m going to take hallucinogenic substances, I won’t be sitting at home, I’ll be sharing myself with the world), and
• Sells fridges for a living.

POT, KETTLE, BLACK, TO THE MAX!!

Only we may call people from the local area ‘losers’… because after all, they may be losers, but they’re OUR LOSERS!!!

The end.

When Will Pete Be Allowed Back Into The Hole?

Having spent some quality time stalking chatting with Pete at the Oaks the last few Friday nights, it has dawned upon me that it is HIGH TIME HE WAS ALLOWED BACK INTO THE HOLE.

After all, several other people who received lifetime bans have since been allowed back in. Why not Pete?

The place is dying a slow painful death, let's see if Pete can inject some life back into the old girl!

I have the utmost confidence in his abilities.

TOOTHLESS PETE

I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!

Move over Daniel Craig.

After watching The 300 last night, Gerard Butler (who plays Leonidas King of the Spartans) is my new celebrity boyfriend.

I literally had to wipe up the drool off my chin after two hours of watching Gerard prance around in leather underpants and not much else.

Actually I found him even more attractive in the special features at the end, wearing a t-shirt and jeans and larking around with his sword.

So hot. That body. Drool.

Well, Daniel Craig can still be my second-in-command celebrity boyfriend.

Why are there no men who look like either of these blokes at either the hole or the Oaks? Sigh.

Now Here's How A Pub Website SHOULD Look!!

Click here

See! It's not that hard!!

P.S. I only bag out the pub so much because I love it.

Happy Birthday Jason, Love Panda

Well it was Miss Contradiction’s birthday yesterday and we undertook a fairly hefty 13-hour bender on Saturday night to celebrate (hole, Peppercorn, Miss Contradiction's house, Oaks, Miss Contradiction's house, hole). I didn't pick up unfortunately, despite my best efforts.

We were supposed to go to Canada Day yesterday but as we both woke up a bit dusty we decided to stay home and watch Twin Peaks instead, after breakfasting on pasta and quiche. I supervised while Miss Contradiction cooked.

It was also a day of many random text messages sent to all and sundry, including messages to various people saying “Happy birthday Panda, love Jason” and “Can you please drop some ice over in the mail box” and an all-time corker “Can you please drop a Marilyna’s pizza over, you can put it under the door, as well as a hat and a turtle” (actually I think I sent that one to everyone in my phone).

God we are so funny sometimes.

PS The hole is still boring and full of losers.

Media Release - The Oaks is the new Cremorne Hotel

Town Bike and myself have just had a meeting and decided that we are over the hole. Yes, dear readers, I hear your collective gasps of disbelief, however even we have decided that the hole blows.

The Oaks is much more interesting, has better atmosphere and was the venue of a spectacular girl on girl punch on the other night. Where do I sign?

Let's face it, come July 2 the hole is going to be a cemetary anyway.

As tightly as we have held onto it over the years, I believe it is time to finally let the good ol' megahole rest in peace.

So-So-Bar: Not A Sure Thing

Following on from the revelation that the So-So-Bar is being advertised on poles around town with the slogan "It's a Lower North Sure Thing", I am beginning to wonder if anyone else has noticed the irony in this statement.

I mean come on, the nightclub has been under renovation for about six months now and as far as I can see it is very far from being a "sure thing".

Perhaps the tag line "It's a Lower North Maybe Next Year Sometime Thing" or even "It's a Lower North Not Likely to Happen Thing" would have been appropriate.

However after seeing the general media strategy of the hole in action, I guess it's not really that surprising at all.

For fuck's sake "It's a Lower North Sure Thing", what does that even mean anyway? What's a Lower North Shore Thing?? The only things that most people associate with the Lower North Shore are boat shoes, blokes in turned up collars and chicks with oversized handbags: none of which are good things to have associated with your suburb.

And speaking of the Oaks (were we?), Bad Smell Boy and I drifted up there yesterday for a mid-afternoon drinking and pool session and I decided to put some tunes on the jukebox. However I found that the only CD in the whole jukebox you can put on is Bryan Ferry and Roxy Music. The rest of the CDs are 'disallowed' apparently.

While I don't mind Bryan Ferry and Roxy Music in small doses, there is only so many times you can listen to 'More Than This' and 'Jealous Guy' without needing immediate assistance at the nearest psychiatric unit.

Synopsis WE 26/11/06

Well, as you know Town Bike was a little under the weather on Friday night. I did indeed attend the Kylie concert and returned to find Town Bike and another friend of ours who I will call Miss Penelope for lack of anything better to call her, absolutely smashed playing pool on the rather odd relocated pool tables. We have since figured out that the rotation of the pool tables was a ploy to disguise the fact they have removed 4 of the tables. Another Megahole mystery – where did they go and why??? Perhaps when we discover the location of the missing pool tables, we will also find Buck Hunting and Pinball.


Saturday after we spent most of the day recovering, we thought we would do some research on the other pubs in the area. First stop – Mosman Hotel, also known as the ‘Duck’. First thing we noticed was the absolute plethora of young attractive men – aha!! We cried – so this is where they go. The next thing we noticed was a rather extensive menu at reasonable prices – something lacking at the Hole. I think their menu consists of about 4 choices the highlight being baked beans on toast or something.

Next stop – the Oaks. Pricey drinks and apparently they can’t afford limes, which is surprising considering. Anyway, not a bad establishment. Reasonable looking men, although a tad woggy.

Then we decided we had been away from our spiritual home long enough and returned to our ‘Mecca’ if you will. WTF was going on at the Hole Saturday night is beyond me. I think they arranged a loser’s theme party and forgot to inform us. From the outfits – some women looked like Supre threw up on them – to revolting displays of affection between a late 30’s slapper in some kind of beer wench outfit known as Slapporn with a much younger bloke in stubbies and thongs who looked paraletic. All in all the whole night was a car crash of mass proportions. The only thing I can think of that might cause such a dismal night, is that Uncle Pete was away on a fishing trip and unable to monitor things.

Let’s look at a comparison of hotels…..

Mosman Hotel – Saturday 9pm

Cremorne Hotel – Saturday 12pm

I think the pictures speak for themselves!!!

Oh Cremorne Hotel management!!! What are you doing to our spiritual home?

A Night Of Crapulence Was Had By All

Well it certainly was quite an evening last night.

It all started when I skipped off work half an hour early to meet Miss Contradiction for a drink or 10 at 333 bar in the city. Miss Contradiction then went off to the Kylie concert (she is quite the social butterfly) and I got on a bus bound for - yes, you guessed it - Cremorne.

Unfortunately there was a major traffic jam on the bridge and as we all know I was fairly inebriated by this stage so the results weren't going to be pretty.

Did I happen to mention I also suffer from very bad motion sickness? Well, I do. Many a time has Miss Contradiction had to hold my hair back as I vomit on the side of the road after a hard night's drinking.

I don't really remember much of being at the pub. I do know I was very, very drunk. At one stage I went to the toilet and by the time I came back out I had forgotten who I was talking to.

Miss Contradiction appeared like an oasis in the desert later in the night and I was confused because I thought she was supposed to be at a concert. I guess going to the pub was more important for her.

We then proceeded to have a quiet chuckle about Jason and his date for his work Christmas party tonight - he is taking the air conditioner installer from work, no less.

A quick game of pool ensued and I notice that two of the pool tables have been randomly moved around 90 degrees. For what reason I don't know - perhaps management thinks it makes the room more distinguished? Perhaps it is a feng shui thing? Who knows.

I then had to rush home all of a sudden due to a pressing engagment - ie, I had to throw up.

Needless to say I have woken up with a killer hangover today and am about ready to shoot myself in the head.

I think we will head up to The Oaks soon to start again. Apparently I am supposed to be meeting someone for a 'date' tonight which I had entirely forgotten about and don't quite remember arranging. I don't think I'll go, seeing as Bad Smell is apparently still in the state and may catch me in the act.