Contemplative Jason

Pop quiz: what is Jason thinking about??

a) Goblins
b) The new season's range of ice pipes as seen in Ice magazine
c) He is wondering why he wore his blue rag shirt instead of the moss shirt.

Hooray, I Remembered my Password for Blogger

BREAKING NEWS ON JASON'S GF

Her name is Rochelle....yes....Rochelle and Jason.

They met at Mingles in Burwood.She is an alcoholic. He thinks this is a virtue rather than a vice.

According to Bad Smell she is not very attractive.

According to Bad Smell everyone is attractive so she must be pretty bloody ugly.

I Found my Thrill....on Mulberry Hill

Well, after a lovely day at a lovely high brow members function at Randwick Racecourse on Saturday, I decided to go hurtling in the other direction and have Jason drive me home. Well someone had to do it, and Jason is cheaper than a taxi. This is my new thing, I email him and ask him to drive me places. His car is an extension of his manhood basically so he invariably does it to avoid being emasculated.

So I totter down to Doncaster Ave, drunkenly in gold stilletto's and Jason picks me up and we go to my place. Keep in mind I am fairly (Ok, very) drunk at this stage so my version of events may or may not be correct. We then head to his friend Alex's place, not sure why, but I do remember drinking straight vodka.

From there we head over the bridge to some servo where we meet up with Lobo, Mason and Bad Smells sister so Jason can get pot and off we trot to Jason's new appartment in Breakfast Point. Has anyone heard of this place because I have lived in Sydney all my life and have never come across it. The apartment block is called Mulberry Hill. For some reason this amuses me.

I then had the pleasure of meeting Jason's brother, eating Macca's and then watching the football followed by some drunken shagging in a SINGLE BED. A large single allegedly but you must keep in mind Jason and I are not exactly small people.

The next morning I woke up to Jason snoring in my ear and lying practically on top of me in an effort to fit on the bed. He wakes up and has a shower (whilst having a cigarette - a talent of Jason's I particularly admire) and we head off down in the lift when Jason has a sudden realisation "OMG I am straight". We head back upstairs so Jason can punch 2 cones.

He drove me home, although I paid for the bridge because he had done his arse on the pokies the night before.

All is right with the world people, everything is as it should be.

Happy Birthday To Meeee

As you may or may not know, this weekend just gone was my birthday weekend. I had been saving myself up to end my one-month drinking ban in a spectacular and embarrassing fashion. After dolling ourselves up in inappropriate formal wear, we headed off to The Loft.

Suffice to say that after not drinking for a month, the alcohol went straight to my head. In fact after only three drinks I was already slurring and making absolutely no sense. Naroomina forced us all to pose for some photos and I complied so that might give you a sense of the level of intoxication I had reached by that stage. For some reason there is also a photo amongst the bunch of an oyster. Well at least I assume it was an oyster. I’m not entirely sure what all that’s about.

Anyway naturally we ended up back at the hole, seeing as they emailed me offering a $50 bar tab for my birthday. $50 my arse. Seriously, all we did was take the bar tab to different bars and we ended up spending over $100 without paying a cent. Goes to show how the hole’s business model needs a bit of fine tuning. Robbie was there for some reason on the door of Sobar. What’s the go with Robbie? Does he work there or something? Or does he just like standing in doorways? I like lurking in doorways but not usually at 2am. Well okay sometimes at 2am.

Anyway Naroomina and I started talking to a couple of blokes in the nightclub. Miss Contradiction had wandered off at this stage to fraternise with some locals. This one bloke who claimed to be some sort of diver (perhaps even a navy clearance diver) was trying to chat up Naroomina so he foisted his wingman off onto me. You know how it is. I hate feeling like the ugly friend who needs to be distracted. Especially on my birthday. Anyway the wingman was quite hot and a personal trainer and obviously willing to take one for the team but for some stupid reason I decided to wander off. For fuck’s sake. How dumb do I want to be?

Anyway Miss Contradiction and I got bored without any losers around we could stalk so we wandered home at around 2am.

The next day we ended up at The Oaks then the hole but I can’t really remember much of it, maybe Miss Contradiction can fill you all in more. I vaguely remember the day involving Uncle Pete and the weird French Canadian Irish bloke.

Oh yeah, and Jason can fire people now.

I told him to listen to his heart.

Sorry if this writing is rather mundane but I am currently in recovery phase and not thinking very clearly.

The end.

Everything Happens on the 8th of January

1. Elvis Presley's birthday

2. My Uncle's birthday

3. 2007 Miss Contradiction gave up smoking

4. 2008 Miss Contradiction gave up Jason.

Yes kids, you heard right...I have officially given up Jason. He is a direct health hazard and if I go there again, I will go to the pub dressed in the outfit above.

Jason Sucks: Applicants Wanted

As it has now been decided that Jason is no longer funny, he has now lost his job as our verbal punching bag and butt of all jokes.

We need someone new to make fun of and generally obsess over. Any offers?

P.S. I was at the hole last night and can't remember leaving, or getting home, can anyone offer any clues? I vaguely remember ranting at someone about something but for the life of me can't fill in the blanks.

I love a good rant whilst drunk.

My Bonding Session With Jason, Queen Of The Goblins

Jason is a very strange person indeed (but you already knew that, right?). One minute you’ve been spreading malicious rumours about him and he’s threatening to get the Bandidos onto you in a massive showdown at the Megahole, the next minute he’s in love with you again.

As you may or may not know, I am the administrator of a Facebook group devoted to discussing Jason. In all actuality, there isn’t that much to discuss – he’s kind of boring after a while. However on said group there are a few references to him being a loser, smoking ice, picking up lowies, etc etc.

Anyway, long story short, Jason’s aunt found the group last weekend and Jason got mad at me again. I know, I’m still in shock that amoebas can have aunts. So on Friday night, I’m at The Oaks, blind drunk as per usual. He sends me this one message asking where I was and I told him The Oaks. Next thing you know I look up and he’s standing there. He literally appeared out of nowhere.

Jason spent the night pouring out secrets to me, after making me promise not to tell anyone. Now this was just plain stupidity on his part. He must know by now that I am incapable of keeping my mouth shut and would gossip the leg off an iron pot. So when he told me he doesn’t like Lobo, and that Bad Smell has got himself into trouble with some drug-dealing Lebs, naturally I did two things:

1. Tell my two friends immediately
2. Write about it on the Internet.

Then Jason drove me home and I spent most of the next day throwing up. The two incidents may or may not have been related.

I think I also got invited to his baby’s christening. Because Jason and I are like, you know, BFFs and stuff.

The end.

An Essay About My New Hero

I have a new hero. His name is Samuel Johnson.

I watched a documentary about Samuel Johnson on the History Channel last night and decided there and then that this was my new person to emulate.

Samuel Johnson was this guy in England in the 18th century who compiled the first ever dictionary of the English language. He was also history's most famous obsessive compulsive, capped off with a healthy dose of Tourette's syndrome. Jason is kind of like that, but without the dictionary compiling part.

A number of other interesting Samuel Johnson facts:

* Was riddled with involuntary body and facial tics

* Went into random blind rages at people for no apparent reason

* Once drank 25 cups of tea in one sitting

You can read more about my new hero here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Samuel_Johnson

It's good to have a new hero. Anyone is a step up from Jason. And he's kind of hot, don't you think?

I am going to get Miss Contradiction a copy of Samuel Johnson's biography for Christmas. She may be able to pick up a few life tips from him.

Jason Gray - Alpha Male

Town Bike and I were having a conversation with Bad Smell the other day when the subject of Jason's brother came up.

This is how Bad Smell describes him...."Imagine and older, fatter and dumber version of Jason".

What a scary thought.

As it turns out Jason also buys drugs off a bunch of guys who set his brother up on a drug deal and are now after him. It's obvious that Jason subscribes to the "Drugs are thicker than blood" theory.

Bless.

Has Jason Found God?

Oh hang on wait, that's Russell.

The Jason Project

Sooooo... Is that anything like the Blair Witch Project?

Jason Went Number Twos In Miss Contradiction's Bed During Sex

And no, it wasn't a kinky thing either. It was purely accidental and because he is filthy and disgusting.

Then he tried to blame her cat. Now trust me, Miss Contradiction's cat is a very proud purebred and would never, ever go to the toilet where she sleeps. I've shared a bed with Miss Contradiction and cat numerous times and we've never had the problem of waking up lying in excrement (yet).

Speaking of which... note to self: don't sleep in Miss Contradiction's bed again until sheets have been burned and Jason poo spirit has been exorcised.

Coming Soon: The Misadventures Of Mr Poopy Pants

This story is so disgusting that I can't bring myself to type it.

Disgusting, but hilarious, and a serious threat to my already tenuous hold on my sexuality.

Yes, dear blog stalkers, after hearing this story I may truly never have sex again.

Jason.

Our Adventures In Jason’s Old Stomping Ground

Did you know that Jason is apparently a ‘Balmain Boy’ at heart? Well this is according to him. He lived there for about six months once and now considers himself a Balmain Boy. He likes the aura of working class-meets-yuppy chic that being a Balmain Boy gives him. Let’s face it Jason, you’re a Liverpool Boy through and through. Stop trying to talk yourself up.

The point of all this is that Miss Contradiction and I decided to have a night out in Balmain on Saturday night. We quite enjoy the suburb from time to time but don’t call ourselves Balmain Girls just because we walked down Darling Street once.

So we went to the Exchange Hotel and decided to be sociable. Miss Contradiction was bumbling around in a drunken haze and crashed a buck’s party. She literally walked through the cordoned off bit and didn’t notice the sign and cordon until I pointed it out. The bucks were funny for a while but then we noticed they were making fun of us so decided to pack it in for the night.

We ended up back at the hole. It was packed. This might sound like a good thing but trust me, it wasn’t. You literally couldn’t throw a glass without hitting someone who was either psychotic, 12 years old or dressed badly. There was one particular car crash who I just couldn’t stop staring at – a blonde piece in a white mini skirt, thigh-high white stockings and some weird pink thing wrapped around her neck or head (can’t quite remember, I was drunk). For starters, without being bitchy, she didn’t have the figure for it (well no one has the figure for a fashion disaster like that, quite frankly), and secondly, even if it WAS a dare or fancy dress you still shouldn’t wear that sort of thing in polite society.

So we migrated upstairs to the erstwhile ‘real man’s room’ (RMR) for a game of pool. After having a groove to the Pointer Sisters’ “Jump (For My Love)” (I seem to remember doing some of my jazz ballet moves circa 1986) we noticed that two blokes had infiltrated the RMR. Long story short, Miss Contradiction ended up pashing someone called Mario and basically told him that he was taking her out for dinner. Poor, poor Mario. It was a tragedy when he ran off. Well, not really because I drank the rest of his drink.

The end.

BREAKING NEWS!!!

Someone is Interdork stalking me!! Well it's not really Interdork stalking because it's via SMS, but it's still the most exciting thing that's happened to me since... well... since the last time I was stalked (when Jason threatened to sic the Bandidos onto me).

I have narrowed the list of suspects to:

* Jason
* Lobo
* Jason
* Andrew
* A man in a chicken suit
* Miss Contradiction

Who could it be? Only time will tell.

Jason Touches Down In The Information Age

After years of blundering around the Internet trying to work out the difference between email and tinnea, it appears that Jason Gray has finally conquered the Internet (or Facebook, at least).

Well, he's worked out how to join Facebook. Accepting friend requests is another matter.

I wonder what relationship it is that he's referring to? Last time I checked, the only meaningful relationship Jason has had in the past decade is with his icepipe.

Stupid, stupid Jason. He ripped me off for $20 at The Oaks on Friday night.

I hate Jason.

NATURAL DISASTER ALERT!!

Warning to all Lower North Shore residents!!

Jason started text stalking me at around 11am EST so I said 'shouldn't you be swindling a customer, get back to work' and he said 'I'm not at work today'.

Miss Contradiction made the mistake of telling Jason that we are going to The Oaks after work and he has made plans to stalk his way into the pub.

So lock up your pets and batten down the hatches! Jason is on his way... and he should be considered drunk and dangerous!

Separated At Birth?

Jason Update

Well as you all probably know by now talking about Jason is the most important thing in our lives so here's another update.

Miss Contradiction and I were bored yesterday and emailed Jason to find out why he hasn't joined Facebook yet as he has a tribute group going. In reply, Jason droned (yes, Jason manages to drone in email) 'how do I get there?'. What, he thinks he can drive to Facebook?

Anyway it transpires that Jason couldn't handle life at the Good Guys Alexandria without his little boyfriend (Bad Smell) and handed in his resignation yesterday afternoon (I told you their co-dependence is alarming). Turns out he couldn't get a position at Bad Smell's new shop so is biding his time at a shop in Belrose somewhere, presumably selling fridges. Which is all well and good as long as he doesn't move back to our area.

Updated list of suburbs to avoid:
- Dulwich Hill
- Belrose
- Kensington

Alexandria is now safe for re-entry.

Babies: Are They The Latest Fashion Accessory?

Well as you can all see by the photos of Jason in his mould shirt that have been posted below, he is the height of fashion and is always right on the cutting-edge of any trend.

Therefore it comes as no surprise to hear that babies are the latest fashion accessory - after all, Jason did it months ago.

Call me old fashioned, but personally I think the decision to have a baby requires a little more thinking time than your average accessory purchase of, say, a new pair of leggings or Loony Tunes novelty tie.

But if everyone else is doing it, maybe I should too. Now all I need to find is a loser to knock me up.