I Bought...

A black wifebeater with sequins on it.

I just couldn't help myself.

It can be my 'good' wifebeater. I can wear it when attending formal occasions with Uncle Pete.

Our Adventures In Jason’s Old Stomping Ground

Did you know that Jason is apparently a ‘Balmain Boy’ at heart? Well this is according to him. He lived there for about six months once and now considers himself a Balmain Boy. He likes the aura of working class-meets-yuppy chic that being a Balmain Boy gives him. Let’s face it Jason, you’re a Liverpool Boy through and through. Stop trying to talk yourself up.

The point of all this is that Miss Contradiction and I decided to have a night out in Balmain on Saturday night. We quite enjoy the suburb from time to time but don’t call ourselves Balmain Girls just because we walked down Darling Street once.

So we went to the Exchange Hotel and decided to be sociable. Miss Contradiction was bumbling around in a drunken haze and crashed a buck’s party. She literally walked through the cordoned off bit and didn’t notice the sign and cordon until I pointed it out. The bucks were funny for a while but then we noticed they were making fun of us so decided to pack it in for the night.

We ended up back at the hole. It was packed. This might sound like a good thing but trust me, it wasn’t. You literally couldn’t throw a glass without hitting someone who was either psychotic, 12 years old or dressed badly. There was one particular car crash who I just couldn’t stop staring at – a blonde piece in a white mini skirt, thigh-high white stockings and some weird pink thing wrapped around her neck or head (can’t quite remember, I was drunk). For starters, without being bitchy, she didn’t have the figure for it (well no one has the figure for a fashion disaster like that, quite frankly), and secondly, even if it WAS a dare or fancy dress you still shouldn’t wear that sort of thing in polite society.

So we migrated upstairs to the erstwhile ‘real man’s room’ (RMR) for a game of pool. After having a groove to the Pointer Sisters’ “Jump (For My Love)” (I seem to remember doing some of my jazz ballet moves circa 1986) we noticed that two blokes had infiltrated the RMR. Long story short, Miss Contradiction ended up pashing someone called Mario and basically told him that he was taking her out for dinner. Poor, poor Mario. It was a tragedy when he ran off. Well, not really because I drank the rest of his drink.

The end.

Babies: Are They The Latest Fashion Accessory?

Well as you can all see by the photos of Jason in his mould shirt that have been posted below, he is the height of fashion and is always right on the cutting-edge of any trend.

Therefore it comes as no surprise to hear that babies are the latest fashion accessory - after all, Jason did it months ago.

Call me old fashioned, but personally I think the decision to have a baby requires a little more thinking time than your average accessory purchase of, say, a new pair of leggings or Loony Tunes novelty tie.

But if everyone else is doing it, maybe I should too. Now all I need to find is a loser to knock me up.

Should I Spend $180 On A New Swimming Outfit Thingy?

Decisions, decisions...

Anything that covers up my unsightly stomach has to be a blessing for everyone else.

Babies 'v' Louboutins

It has just occured to me, as I looked down admiringly at my delicious new pair of Christian Louboutin black pumps, that I recieved them on the same day as Jason's baby was born.

I think my love affair with my shoes will last a lot longer than Jason's interest in the baby.

Do we have any idea what this childs name is? Or do we need another poll?

I vote for Pandara.

URGENT ADVICE NEEDED!!

Should I buy a Megadeth t-shirt?

Ok this whole purchasing thing has gotten out of hand.

FIGHTING... OFF... URGE... TO... PURCHASE!!

I am seriously considering buying these incredibly sexy Miu Miu pumps from Net A Porter.

The problem is that the $500 could probably be better spent on something else, like, oh I don't know, paying the rent.

Aside from the fact that I never really go anywhere except for dingy pubs such as the hole and the RSL and my shoes are really wasted on those establishments.

Maybe I should just accept that I'm going to die old, alone and broke with nothing but a collection of designer shoes to keep me warm at night.

Dear God, how I love shoes.

HELP I CAN'T STOP SHOPPING!!!

As above.

In times of stress, I turn to retail therapy and unfortunately I've gone a little overboard the last few days.

It all started yesterday when I decided I needed a new pair of pyjamas for winter. Fair enough, so I hopped onto the train during my lunch hour and went to Chatswood to peruse the Peter Alexander store.

Twenty minutes later I walked out of the store with a new pair of pjyama pants, a new tartan nightie (yes it is a nightie but looks like something you'd see in a Rogue Traders film clip) and a new pair of ugg boots.

As if that wasn't enough, I returned to the office and decided I urgently needed a new pair of Roberto Cavalli sunglasses which I should have by the end of the week.

Now I am desperately fighting off the urge to visit the Le Mien handbag sale in Rushcutters Bay.

Quelle horreur!

Is Craig Wing The Biggest Fairy Ever?

I hate Craig Wing with a passion. (He of Sydney Roosters NRL fame.)

I can't find the exact picture I'm looking for on Google, but there was this photo of him on the catwalk for Peter Morrissey wearing pink slacks, a stripey pink shirt and sunglasses on a chain around his neck.

In fact I hate him so much that I cut that photo out of a magazine and defaced it while I was living with Bad Smell, then stuck it on the fridge.

Even my 80-year-old father (gambler extraordinaire and dapper man about town) who loves everything NRL (dad used to play first grade for the Bulldogs) dislikes Craig Wing.

When he saw the abovementioned photo he famously said "that's a bit of a strange get-up" which has now become my catchcry for every strange outfit I see on the street/at the pub.

He also made several derogatory comments questioning Wing's sexual preferences that I can't repeat here due to them being politically incorrect but I think you get the gist anyway.

I prefer to call him a fairy.

Here's a list of other things I also hate:

* Brunch
* Tennis
* Metrosexuals
* Sobriety

(Late addition: Photo of Craig Wing found. Thank you anonymous)

Leopard Skin Robes = New Black?

So I am at home watching The Departed (great movie by the way, Marky Mark is strangely sexy in it) and getting drunk and I notice Jack Nicholson's character wears a very striking leopard skin robe in one scene.

WHERE THE HELL CAN I GET MYSELF ONE OF THOSE??? So cool... oh that's right, it's in the back of my car.

WHEN ARE YOU COMING TO GET YOUR LEOPARD SKIN COAT MISS CONTRADICTION?? AHAHAHA.

I decided not to inflict my particular brand of unpleasantness on the world today. I think that's best for all concerned.

New Stalking Adventures

Today I succesfully stalked a rather delectable pair of red stiletto's. Not the ones pictured mind you, that's just some random shoe from Google more suited to some skanky ho.

I have had my eye on these scrumptious examples of female footware for sometime but was unwilling to pay full price.

Today, my dear bloggers, after 3 weeks of waiting and stalking patiently, the price was reduced to a more reasonable amount. The joy and elation I felt was akin to some of the more memorable sexual encounters I have had in the (now distant) past.

I mst pick up this weekend otherwise I am certain to become a destitute shoe addict.

In other news, the hole is still a hole. But then we all knew that didn't we...

Leggings: The Ugliest Thing Ever?

Well I have nothing left to say about the hole as I haven't been there all week so I guess I will have to talk about my other great love: fashion. After all, I DO manage to carry off an ugly bright blue skirt with flowers on it coupled with a hot pink wifebeater on top so only a handful of people are laughing at me.

In particular, I would like to talk about one trend that really gets my goat: leggings.

I firmly believe that leggings are the work of the devil. I am so sick of seeing every girl and her cat wearing leggings teamed with an ugly sack of a dress on top, just because Nicole Lohan or Lindsay Ritchie or Fugly Hilton or whoever the hell it was wore it once.

Let me get one thing straight: leggings are NOT flattering. They never have been flattering, they never will be. The only time when wearing leggings is acceptable is when you are a five-year-old jazz ballet student. Not when you are a grown woman.

Leggings stop at the most unflattering part of your leg: the mid-calf. When something stops at the fattest part of your leg, it makes your legs look fat. FACT. And while this is ok if you are a skinny girl, this is quite obviously tragic when worn by a heiffer.

I mean, what the fuck is the point of leggings, anyway? They don't achieve anything - they don't keep you warm, they don't hold anything in, they don't cover your boobs... their only function is seemingly to look stupid and tell the world 'HI, THE PERSON WHO IS WEARING ME IS DELUSIONAL AND RIPPED OFF HER LOOK FROM A CLEO MAGAZINE'.

This is particularly true when paired up with massive handbag, giant novelty sunglasses (you know the ones I'm talking about) and a dress that looks like a hessian sack. And the sack is tied up with a belt that looks like a piece of rope. UM, HELLO, ELLIE MAY CLAMPETT CALLED, SHE WANTS HER LOOK BACK!!

To sum up, the only looks you can achieve while wearing leggings are:

* Ellie May Clampett hillbilly chic
* Arty beat poet
* Bag lady
* Leftover jazz ballet student from the 1980s
* Fashion victim

NONE OF WHICH ARE GOOD LOOKS!!! PARTICULARLY ON LOWER NORTH SHORE FASHION TRAGICS!!!

The next time I see someone wearing a pair of leggings, I am going to use their own leggings to give them the wedgie of a lifetime. Oh the irony - defeated by your own leggings.

It's the only way they'll learn.

Throw 'Em All Down A Well

As Miss Contradiction mentioned in an earlier blog entry, we were quite shocked by the high population of losers at the hole on Saturday night (ourselves included).

A 50 year old guy with an annoying whistle shaped like a pair of lips, someone dressed up to look like Gilligan, many women who simply have no idea how to dress themselves: all were out in full force on Saturday night.

Back in the day you weren't allowed into the hole after 9pm in thongs and shorts, however the majority of the clientele appeared to be wearing these wardrobe staples (girls included).

WHEN WILL WOMEN LEARN THAT SHORTS DO NOT WORK AS EVENING WEAR?? JUST BECAUSE FERGIE FROM THE BLACK EYED PEAS WORE A PARTICULAR TREND, IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO!! AND FOR GOD'S SAKE, STICK TO ONE TREND AT ONCE!! IT'S NOT A COMPETITION TO SEE WHO CAN WEAR THE MOST TRENDS IN ONE OUTFIT!!!

But I digress. Anyway the long and the short of it is that we have learned that bouncers have been instructed to let anyone and everyone in due to declining attendance rates. A far cry from the good ol' days, when you could be kicked out at the drop of a hat (as I well know).

So it seems Miss Contradicition and I may have to take matters into our own hands. As we all know, my 80-year-old father (gambler extraordinaire and former western suburbs underworld from the 1970s) has a particular penchant for threatening to put people down the bottom of a well when they cause trouble.

He once threatened to put Jason down a well after he started stalking me for no reason, and ever since then we've been waiting to open the paper one day and see the headline 'EXTRA EXTRA: LOSER FOUND DOWN THE BOTTOM OF LOCAL WELL'. Or even 'ICE DEALER GRIEVES AS BEST CUSTOMER DIES IN TRAGIC WELL ACCIDENT'.

Or 'POKIE SHARE PRICES PLUMMET AS JASON GETS HIS COMEUPPANCE'.

I would like to move that anyone sporting a fashion crime outfit at the pub from now on be put down the bottom of a well. AND THAT INCLUDES FAT PEOPLE WHO INSIST ON WEARING HORIZONTAL STRIPES. HELLO??? IT MAKES YOU LOOK BIGGER... ARE YOU STUPID??

The well pictured above may have to be widened to accommodate some of the wider loads who are known to frequent the establishment.