GO MELBOURNE!!!!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Percy's - The Place To Be

Miss Contradiction and myself have been looking for a new place to haunt given the extreme crappiness of the hole of late and we may have found it in Percy's, also known as 'the pub opposite St Leonards Park with the bottleshop that we used to buy alcohol at underage'.

We lobbed into Percy's for the Manly v Cowboys game on Saturday night and were impressed by the ratio of men to women. That is, there were approximately 100 men to 5 women. It's obviously the new place to pick up.

After all, the best time to coerce sexy fun times out of most men is after they've been watching sport and all the testosterone is high. Which is what Percy's is all about. So let it be known: Percy's is now the place to be.

The end.

Thought For The Day

"Supporting the Manly Sea Eagles is a condition caused by a genetic fault. This condition has so far proved resistant to electroshock therapy, extensive psychotherapy and psychiatric medication".

Some of the most annoying people I have ever met in my life have been fervent Manly supporters.

P.S. How did Ratboy from Manly get the sexiest man in league? Especially compared to the likes of Sonny Bill Williams, Eric Grothe Jnr and, of course, the ever sexy Nathan Hindmarsh.

Long Weekend Suggestions

I am pulling myself out of my chronic illness-induced rut and am ready to hit the punching bag of life with a vengeance come the long weekend at the end of this month.

Yes I realise it's still 10 days away but I need a while to plan my outfits (i.e. make some alterations now that I am apparently a lard arse).

What is going on? Some cool dance party that I will feel out of place at if I attend? A stalkers' convention at which I can give a presentation? Any grand final BBQs people want to invite me to?? Who wants to bet that we'll spend the long weekend sitting in the dark recesses of the pub getting shitfaced?

P.S. Go Parra
P.P.S. Lobo

HINDMARSH FOR PM!!

I endorse the Hindmarsh for PM campaign!!

P.S. I am currently watching Manly/Souths and I would love nothing better than to see Manly get their arses served up to them on a platter. However unlikely that may be.

Weekend Wrap-Up

I experienced one of the most annoyingly crapulent nights of my life on Friday. It was my sister’s birthday so we convened at the Vineyard wine bar/restaurant in Crows Nest to celebrate. Don’t ask me what the food was like, I can’t remember and I don’t think I actually ate. What I do remember however is Miss Contradiction falling off her chair in a spectacular fashion onto the pavement on Willoughby Road. Classy, classy stuff. Note to self: find new boyfriend and force him to take me on dinner dates to the Vineyard so I can work out what the food was like because perusing the website today, it looks like it’s pretty damn good.

After that Miss Contradiction stumbled off somewhere drunkenly so I headed to the Stoned Crow with my sister and some of her friends. What the hell has happened to that place? It used to be a grungy dive (and I say that with the utmost affection because I love grungy dives). My dad used to take my mum on dates there 35 years ago and apparently she got so drunk one time she had to be carried out. Now the place is sterile and covered in tiles and looks like any other generic suburban bar.

After that I dropped into the hole solo to see if there was anyone around I could stalk. Unfortunately I didn’t realise how drunk I was and ‘mysteriously’ my nose started to bleed profusely so I made a quick getaway…

… only to find my sister passed out underneath the letterboxes outside my apartment block. Literally passed out. I managed to drag her inside but she headed straight to the bathroom and sat with her head over the toilet for a few minutes. Finally she said she was ok and wanted to go to bed. I put her in my bed and she lay there for approximately a minute before projectile vomiting all over my bed and floor. Needless to say, I spent a thrilling Saturday washing my sheets and cleaning vomit off my carpet.

Saturday night Jason was phone stalking Miss Contradiction and I for some reason but neither of us answered the phone so who knows what he wanted? Jason hates his stalking. Well actually I sent him a message asking if he was related to Jason Voorhees but that’s it, I swear.

Sunday my sister and I went with my father to Aqua Dining at North Sydney pool for Father’s Day. I ate some stuffed zucchini, knocked back half a bottle of Eden Valley chardonnay and ranted about my latest topic du jour, Abe Saffron (I have just finished reading the book Mr Sin) . Turns out my mum and dad had dinner with him in Rose Bay one night. Then my sister drove back to Canberra and I wallowed in a pile of my own crapulence watching Parra smash Brisbane.

The end.

P.S. Who is Timmy? I simply must know it’s killing me

My Ultimate Fantasy

Everyone has one. Here's mine:

It's a Parramatta / Manly grand final (NRL). Everyone expects Manly to win because they have paid off so many refs to turn a blind eye to their blatant piss-weakedness. But Parra smashes them by about a zillion points and the whole city parties because everyone hates Manly and all their supporters are a bunch of poetry-reciting morons who would be better suited to life in some kind of hippie commune / cafe / mental institution / anywhere the hell away from me.

I hate Manly.

I love Parra.

PARRA

HINDMARSH IS MY BOYFRIEND

AFTER GERARD BUTLER

AND DANIEL CRAIG

GROSS

I just heard the grossest thing ever.

I had to meet Bad Smell at the hole last night. I am selling him my Origin tickets for tonight as I have a feeling Queensland will win and my dad (whom I was going to take with me) isn’t feeling well so I decided to sell them to Bad Smell. I am not really in the mood to sit in the freezing cold only to watch NSW get beaten.

But I digress. So I met Smell at the hole at about 5.30pm. I seriously just wanted to get my money and go home so I could watch Law & Order in peace. But no. I had to stay with him while he had a couple of beers. I sipped daintily on a soda water wishing I were at home. Then I said ‘ok I’m going to go home now’ and he walked out with me. Fair enough, I thought, he’s going to the bus stop. But no. HE FOLLOWED ME HOME. Uninvited. Needless to say my cranky, sick 80-year-old father wasn’t happy to see my loser ex-boyfriend trailing in after me.

And then he asked if he could stay the night. What was I supposed to say? Thanks for the $200, now piss off? So I let him. Against my better judgement, because these days I hate having anyone else in my bed. I need space to writhe around in my sleep.

When he tried to put the moves on me in bed I pretended to be asleep. When that didn’t work, eventually I told him I had my period. Seriously. There are only so many times in the space of a month a girl can have her period.

So I managed to get out of sex. Then just now, my dad gave me a lift to work and I had to listen to him say “Is Bad Smell still having sexual intercourse with you, if so be careful because he’s probably sleeping with some lowlife sluts now you’re not around”. Yes, he said the phrase SEXUAL INTERCOURSE. Oh my God. I feel so unclean. I’m never having sex again after hearing my father say the phrase SEXUAL INTERCOURSE.

I had to reassure him that is definitely not the case and I have no interest in Bad Smell whatsoever anymore. In fact, I would rather have sex with a rotary cheese grater (pictured above).

My dad probably doesn’t believe me, but seriously, EWWWWWW.

P.S. Jason's baby is due in a matter of weeks and he was out at The Attic in Balmain on the weekend hitting on anything with boobs and a pulse. Are you scared yet?

Is Craig Wing The Biggest Fairy Ever?

I hate Craig Wing with a passion. (He of Sydney Roosters NRL fame.)

I can't find the exact picture I'm looking for on Google, but there was this photo of him on the catwalk for Peter Morrissey wearing pink slacks, a stripey pink shirt and sunglasses on a chain around his neck.

In fact I hate him so much that I cut that photo out of a magazine and defaced it while I was living with Bad Smell, then stuck it on the fridge.

Even my 80-year-old father (gambler extraordinaire and dapper man about town) who loves everything NRL (dad used to play first grade for the Bulldogs) dislikes Craig Wing.

When he saw the abovementioned photo he famously said "that's a bit of a strange get-up" which has now become my catchcry for every strange outfit I see on the street/at the pub.

He also made several derogatory comments questioning Wing's sexual preferences that I can't repeat here due to them being politically incorrect but I think you get the gist anyway.

I prefer to call him a fairy.

Here's a list of other things I also hate:

* Brunch
* Tennis
* Metrosexuals
* Sobriety

(Late addition: Photo of Craig Wing found. Thank you anonymous)

GO PARRA!!!

I LOVE YOU HINDY!!!