Hooray, I Remembered my Password for Blogger

BREAKING NEWS ON JASON'S GF

Her name is Rochelle....yes....Rochelle and Jason.

They met at Mingles in Burwood.She is an alcoholic. He thinks this is a virtue rather than a vice.

According to Bad Smell she is not very attractive.

According to Bad Smell everyone is attractive so she must be pretty bloody ugly.

Nautica Climbs The Ranks

Up until now Nautica has probably only been in the top five of losers we know. Like, he's a loser, but we know two or three people (ie Malcolm and Jason) who are much worse.

Look I can't be bothered explaining the history between myself and Nautica again. Suffice to say that I'm not a fan. Follow the links on Nautica to get a backgrounder. Anyone who drank at the hole three-to-five years ago will be familiar with Nautica's work. Speaking of three-to-five... why isn't Nautica doing that for fraud yet?

Anyway, Nautica the raging closeted 'mo pretty much entered the top echelon of losers yesterday. Like, the Pantheon of losers where all the losers who rule over the other losers live. We were at the Orchard Tavern in Chatswood at lunchtime prepping ourselves for Deryk's funeral with a few drinks. I'm not going to talk about Deryk's funeral because... I'm just not. Anyway. Orchard Tavern. Suddenly Bad Smell alerted me to the fact that Nautica was sitting over the way in some really ugly red long-sleeved polo shirt doing his best Pennywise "the evil clown from Stephen King's IT" impersonation. The last cringeworthy "sexy" message I got from him was probably about two months ago. HE WAS WEARING A WEDDING RING!!! As if being married isn't bad enough, can you imagine being married to that simpering fruitcake!!!

God, there is NOTHING more unattractive than a married man who hits on other women. Nautica should just get back in the drain with Pennywise where he belongs.

P.S. I am turning into a raging alcoholic since I stopped smoking (three weeks ago). Like drinking to overcompensate. I'm also anticipating that I'll put on about 10kgs. Come and get it while it's hot fellas!!!!

I Prostituted Myself For A Vacuum Cleaner Head

I have a notoriously tricky record with vacuum cleaners. When Bad Smell and I were living together, he once caught me pushing the vacuum cleaner around our apartment in an attempt to clean. Unfortunately the vacuum wasn't on at the time. True story. As an appliance salesman, you can only imagine how he's never let me live it down.

So anyway one of the heads of my vacuum cleaner has been out of action for the last few weeks. It didn't seem to be sucking anything up anymore.

So who do I call? Bad Smell, of course. Because he's not just a fridge salesman - oh no, he has many talents and skills, most of them legal. He also sells air conditioners, washing machines and other household appliances.

He came over last night to fix it and turns out the problem was that large clumps of my long lustrous hair have been getting caught in the head. I also haven't emptied the vacuum in 18 months. No I couldn't figure that out for myself.

He conveniently timed it so he arrived when it was too late for me to turn him back out onto the street after finishing his chores. So I had to sleep with him. Well I could hardly not. Then I'd just look like a user, wouldn't I?

As it turns out, a vacuum cleaner head isn't the most ridiculous thing I've ever whored myself out for.

My Bonding Session With Jason, Queen Of The Goblins

Jason is a very strange person indeed (but you already knew that, right?). One minute you’ve been spreading malicious rumours about him and he’s threatening to get the Bandidos onto you in a massive showdown at the Megahole, the next minute he’s in love with you again.

As you may or may not know, I am the administrator of a Facebook group devoted to discussing Jason. In all actuality, there isn’t that much to discuss – he’s kind of boring after a while. However on said group there are a few references to him being a loser, smoking ice, picking up lowies, etc etc.

Anyway, long story short, Jason’s aunt found the group last weekend and Jason got mad at me again. I know, I’m still in shock that amoebas can have aunts. So on Friday night, I’m at The Oaks, blind drunk as per usual. He sends me this one message asking where I was and I told him The Oaks. Next thing you know I look up and he’s standing there. He literally appeared out of nowhere.

Jason spent the night pouring out secrets to me, after making me promise not to tell anyone. Now this was just plain stupidity on his part. He must know by now that I am incapable of keeping my mouth shut and would gossip the leg off an iron pot. So when he told me he doesn’t like Lobo, and that Bad Smell has got himself into trouble with some drug-dealing Lebs, naturally I did two things:

1. Tell my two friends immediately
2. Write about it on the Internet.

Then Jason drove me home and I spent most of the next day throwing up. The two incidents may or may not have been related.

I think I also got invited to his baby’s christening. Because Jason and I are like, you know, BFFs and stuff.

The end.

Jason Update

Well as you all probably know by now talking about Jason is the most important thing in our lives so here's another update.

Miss Contradiction and I were bored yesterday and emailed Jason to find out why he hasn't joined Facebook yet as he has a tribute group going. In reply, Jason droned (yes, Jason manages to drone in email) 'how do I get there?'. What, he thinks he can drive to Facebook?

Anyway it transpires that Jason couldn't handle life at the Good Guys Alexandria without his little boyfriend (Bad Smell) and handed in his resignation yesterday afternoon (I told you their co-dependence is alarming). Turns out he couldn't get a position at Bad Smell's new shop so is biding his time at a shop in Belrose somewhere, presumably selling fridges. Which is all well and good as long as he doesn't move back to our area.

Updated list of suburbs to avoid:
- Dulwich Hill
- Belrose
- Kensington

Alexandria is now safe for re-entry.

Pot, Meet Kettle. Kettle, This Is Pot

Once again I was hanging out with Bad Smell and his sister at The Oaks on Friday night as I am lonely and desperate and everyone else from the area is sick of me.

He said one thing that kept me laughing for the rest of the weekend, along the lines of ‘how many losers there are around the area (Cremorne/Neutral Bay)’. (What? As opposed to his lice-infested drug den in Kensington?)

Ummmm, hello?? This is coming from someone who:

• Is BFFs with Jason the substance addict, butt of all jokes and collector of AVOs (he's had more of those than most of us have had hot dinners);
• Befriends random weirdos off the street whose idea of a fun Friday night is to sit around a dump in Kensington taking pure speed then heading off to the local cathouse to pick up some sexual diseases,
• Rang me one day to tell me he’d spent the previous night sitting at home taking acid and that I should try it sometime because it’s fun (um excuse me, if I’m going to take hallucinogenic substances, I won’t be sitting at home, I’ll be sharing myself with the world), and
• Sells fridges for a living.

POT, KETTLE, BLACK, TO THE MAX!!

Only we may call people from the local area ‘losers’… because after all, they may be losers, but they’re OUR LOSERS!!!

The end.

Can't We Find Someone More Worthwhile To Stalk?

Saturday night Miss Contradiction and myself decided we were thoroughly sick of Cremorne and its surrounds so we treated ourselves to a night on the town. What's that I hear you say? You crossed the bridge? Well yes, we did.

We ended up stumbling into the Soho bar in Kings X, largely tempted by the two-for-one cocktails (delicious, by the way). So far so good, but that's where the night started falling apart. For independent of each other, we both started to make off-chops phone calls: she to Jason and me to Bad Smell, both inviting them out. Finally we 'fessed up to each other about what we had done and berated ourselves for indulging such losers.

Well they turned up in about two seconds flat - just goes to show how desperate the pair of them must be - and my, wasn't Jason in fine form. Bad Smell and I left for a few minutes to relive one of our favourite pastimes from when we were a couple - cruising down Darlinghurst Road and chatting to hookers - and when we returned Jason was already attempting to stick his tongue down the throat of (a very inebriated) Miss Contradiction.

Bad Smell also made a comment to Jason about how 'well rested' he looks after his paternity leave. HELLO?? WTF?? WELL RESTED?? DO YOU MEAN FAT?? And come on, are you supposed to look well rested after having a child? Aren't you supposed to be frazzled, otherwise you're not doing it properly?? PARENTAL LEAVE IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE A FRICKING DAY SPA, FFS!!!

Other highlights of the night:

* I was wearing my blue Shakuhachi balloon sash dress (see attached picture). The first thing Bad Smell said to me was some lascivious comment about my boobs. No hello, no nothing. Clown.

* I had forgotten how incredibly boring Jason is. I kept trying to escape his monotonous, droning conversation. Once when I got stuck with him he made some comment about how he 'wanted to drink more but couldn't'. I assumed he was asking me for money so I told him I couldn't lend him any. He then jangled his car keys in front of his face to explain that he meant he was driving, then wandered off to buy another beer.

* When I politely asked him how the baby he was, he answered dismissively 'it eats, shits and sleeps'. He then proceeded to tell me how much he hates the name Jennifer and how he was pushing for either my name or my sister's name. He has always had a morbid fascination with my family.

* Bad Smell proceeded to tell me at one stage how he has been trying to get some 20-year-old into bed. I went ballistic at him and told him not to tell me such things. After all, I spare him the gruesome details of my (non-existent) love life.

At about 1am we decided they were boring and annoying so we simply got up and left. We decided to drop into the hole on the way home for a quick drink. It was busy but there was no one we know there except for this weird guy who works at the Mosman RSL so we left.

Then when we were at home Jason rang Miss Contradiction looking for a root. He had 'somehow' ended up in Balmain, his old picking up ground. He asked her to text him the address so she told him the street name without a block number or apartment number. HA!

Then we sent out a couple of annoying text messages to people and passed out.

The end.

Cat Intervention

Several months ago Miss Contradiction and myself were planning a cat intervention for my ex-boyfriend, or ‘Bad Smell’ as he is known on this blog.

It all started around Easter when we found out that he had stolen a two-week-old kitten from her mother (actually the mother rejected the litter, but that is by-the-by). The cat was tiny and kept getting lost underneath the piles of crap that Bad Smell is cultivating in his apartment. It looks something like the cat pictured here. Also the cat was not vaccinated and was not having mother’s milk to help its immune system – with hygienically challenged people such as Jason spending time with Estelle (her name), she was heading for some serious illnesses.

And seeing as Bad Smell can’t even look after himself, let alone a cat, we were extremely worried for its wellbeing.

So we were planning a cat intervention. The idea was to get together Bad Smell's friends and family (ie Jason and Bad Smell’s psychotic sister, whose hobbies include randomly punching walls and refusing to take her anti-psych medication) and to spring out at him when he came home from work one day, expressing our concerns for the cat. I know what happens at interventions because I saw it on an episode of Beverly Hills 90210 once.

However this plan never came to fruition as we realised that Jason and the psycho sister would just be there for the free beer and wouldn’t really give two hoots what happened to the cat.

Lately I have been worried about the cat. I want to know if it’s still alive. What should we do?

GROSS

I just heard the grossest thing ever.

I had to meet Bad Smell at the hole last night. I am selling him my Origin tickets for tonight as I have a feeling Queensland will win and my dad (whom I was going to take with me) isn’t feeling well so I decided to sell them to Bad Smell. I am not really in the mood to sit in the freezing cold only to watch NSW get beaten.

But I digress. So I met Smell at the hole at about 5.30pm. I seriously just wanted to get my money and go home so I could watch Law & Order in peace. But no. I had to stay with him while he had a couple of beers. I sipped daintily on a soda water wishing I were at home. Then I said ‘ok I’m going to go home now’ and he walked out with me. Fair enough, I thought, he’s going to the bus stop. But no. HE FOLLOWED ME HOME. Uninvited. Needless to say my cranky, sick 80-year-old father wasn’t happy to see my loser ex-boyfriend trailing in after me.

And then he asked if he could stay the night. What was I supposed to say? Thanks for the $200, now piss off? So I let him. Against my better judgement, because these days I hate having anyone else in my bed. I need space to writhe around in my sleep.

When he tried to put the moves on me in bed I pretended to be asleep. When that didn’t work, eventually I told him I had my period. Seriously. There are only so many times in the space of a month a girl can have her period.

So I managed to get out of sex. Then just now, my dad gave me a lift to work and I had to listen to him say “Is Bad Smell still having sexual intercourse with you, if so be careful because he’s probably sleeping with some lowlife sluts now you’re not around”. Yes, he said the phrase SEXUAL INTERCOURSE. Oh my God. I feel so unclean. I’m never having sex again after hearing my father say the phrase SEXUAL INTERCOURSE.

I had to reassure him that is definitely not the case and I have no interest in Bad Smell whatsoever anymore. In fact, I would rather have sex with a rotary cheese grater (pictured above).

My dad probably doesn’t believe me, but seriously, EWWWWWW.

P.S. Jason's baby is due in a matter of weeks and he was out at The Attic in Balmain on the weekend hitting on anything with boobs and a pulse. Are you scared yet?

BREAKING NEWS!!

This is actually old news to Miss Contradiction and I, but I don't think I've shared it with the general population yet.

JASON AND BAD SMELL HAVE BROKEN UP!!

Apparently Jason went berko one night (presumably in one of his ice-induced fits of psychosis) and randomly erased every single female from Bad Smell's phone, including myself.

Perhaps this is good news. I was wondering how Bad Smell would cope without his life partner while Jason serves his time in Long Bay jail.

Here are some blasts from the past in the meantime:

'The Well Of Shame'
'Long Bay Jason'
'I Hate Jason'
'Best Prank Ever'

Forgive Me For I Have Sinned

In the tradition of sites such as Post Secret (I love this site), post all your deepest darkest confessions here (anonymously of course).

I'll start with one but please note that if I decide to post anymore they will be done anonymously.

I accidentally slept with my ex-boyfriend (Bad Smell) last weekend... three times in 10 hours... and I can't remember any of it.

It doesn't count if you don't remember it, right?

Anyway that's my story and I'm sticking with it so if anyone asks it's still been four months.

HAVE FUN!!

Jason "Anthony Robbins" Gray

Last night Miss Contradiction and I decided Jason (our mortal enemy) should really consider becoming a published author.

I was lying in bed battling another bout of insomnia when I had this revelation. So I wrote Miss Contradiction a message saying "Jason should write a book of hints and tips for losers".

She wrote back and said "101 Shady Hints For Wealthy Businessmen".

Me: Except his target audience would never waste precious pokie money on a book. Q: What do Bad Smell and ice have in common? A: Jason uses both of them.

Miss Contradiction: When the bastard child is born, will the doctor slap Jason?

Me: No he will try to dispose of Jason with the rest of the foetal waste after mistaking him for a 98th trimester abortion.

Miss Contradiction: I do that all the time. The resemblance is uncanny.

Me: Actually no. I was wrong. More like 151st trimester abortion.

JASON IF YOU WROTE A BOOK, NO ONE WOULD BUY IT BECAUSE YOU SUCK!!!

I am going to get drunk at the pub tonight and send him threatening, creepy messages from the stalking phone.

Soulmate Update 27.04.07 – Keep Your Pants On, It’s Here!!

Well I was going to write about the debauchery Miss Contradiction and I got up to on Anzac Day last night but lo and behold I came home and my computer decided to have an unscheduled conniption. Needless to say Law & Order seemed to be a more enticing option than reformatting my computer so therefore you didn’t get a blog entry. I blame Jason.

This is aside from the fact that I was pretty out of it on Anzac Day and don’t really remember much of it to report on besides Miss Contradiction, Bubbles and I forcing a poor old ex-serviceman to talk to us at the RSL.

Oh yeah and the majority of the day’s stalking action took place before 9am – Bad Smell turned up randomly on my doorstep at 8am (he had been drinking at the dawn service since 4am), clearly expecting sex. Luckily I wasn’t there at the time.

But anyway. As you all know my soulmate is scheduled to arrive by the middle of the year and I am yet to hear sight or sound of him/her so I decided to go back and get my tarot done at this place in St Leonards to get some more info. I thought seeing as it’s closer to the date she might be able to provide me with a phone number or at least a vague general description.

But no. All she could tell me was that I will have a fling with a younger man first then settle down with a wealthy businessman, with a MARRIAGE (can you believe it) on the cards in the next 12 months. Well I never.

Now I’m puzzling to work out who this wealthy businessman can be. Here are some options we’ve come up with so far:

· Jason (he is the manager of a whitegoods department and knows some influential people in the drug industry)
· Uncle Pete (he runs his own ‘after hours’ business)
· ??? (Ok I only have two options).

She also decided to freak me out by saying at some point randomly ‘your mother is standing behind you right now, by the way’ and I was thinking great, I haven’t seen my mother alive for 13 years and here am I not wearing my best underwear!!

Uncanny.

Stalking Update 01.04.07

Here's a list of people Miss Contradiction and I were stalking last night whilst off our faces, both on the stalking phone and in person:

* Andrew
* Jason
* Bad Smell
* Kylie Mole
* Red Blob
* Panda
* Licensee
* Random 20 year olds
* The guy we thought was Robbie several weeks ago (also found out it wasn't actually Robbie)

One of them has to give in and sleep with me eventually.

HELLO WTF?????

Okay well this is weird. Here was I, casually passed out after a drinking binge, and I wake up at 5am still drunk. And lo and behold Bad Smell is trying to 'booty call' me. Hello, do you not remember a certain 'pranking incident' where we completely humiliated you and your mate Jason??? Why would you even want to sleep with me? Are you that desperate?? Yes I know I am a fantastic root but is it really worth your dignity???

Oh yes, he is very good at wooing, the two messages I had were 'I am so horny' and 'I have my place to myself'. WELL IF THAT ISN'T ENOUGH TO MAKE ME RUN ACROSS TO RANDWICK AND HOP INTO BED WITH HIM, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS!!! So I write back at 5am and say 'you can't booty call me, it ain't healthy'. 5 mins later I get a call from a private number (obviously he has been stalking people too because that's my old trick) and I don't answer private numbers. My voicemail rings and he makes some weird arse sigh down the phone. FFS, KEEP YOUR WEIRD MASTURBATION RITUALS AWAY FROM ME!!! JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN ON AN ICE BINGE DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN FILL THE HOURS UNTIL DAWN BY ANNOYING ME!! P.S. I AM NOT INTO CASUAL MEANINGLESS SEX!!! OK I am, just not with you.

The end.

The Stalking Phone Has Paid For Itself

BEST PRANK EVER.

Some background info - 'log onto a screen and call me' refers to a message Jason accidentally sent to Miss Contradiction once, and now we periodically send him that message to annoy him. Also Jess is a character we made up, and we were nowhere near the bourbon last night.

I'll let the SMS's from last night do that talking, shall I?

***

Stalking phone: Hey jason! Remember me? ;-) what are you up to 2nite?

Jason: New phone. Jog my memory.

Stalking phone: We met in balmain a while back? I had a boyfriend at the time?

Jason: Whereabouts? Did I know you had a boyfriend?

SP: Attic, you told me to call if we ever broke up.

J: What's your name?

SP: Jess. It was my birthday. I thought you would remember?

J: I remember. Not much on tonight, did you wanna meet up or something?

SP: Having dinner with some girlfriends, I'll give you a call when we head out?

J: Ok sounds good.

SP: Hey will be finished in about an hour where r u? are u out now?

J: Home at kensington. Worked till 8. Where are you?

SP: We are heading to the cross later, want to meet up?

J: Perfect, my mates coming. Do you know where your gonna go? [he is referring of course to Bad Smell; who is also a loser and deserves to be pranked]

SP: We were thinking the bourbon? Is it any good? Is your friend hot? I have a hot friend hehe

J: He thinks he is. Bourbs ok.

SP: Ok we are heading to the x now. Text me when u get there i remember what you look like. x

J: (After about an hour) OK I'm here.

SP: Where are you? Who are you with? I'm at the bar

J: Me? I'm here. Your at the bar? I'm near the bar.

SP: My friend is having a moment in the toilet. She keeps saying something about 'log onto a screen and call me'? What does that mean Jason??

J: That's hilarious. We're up for a pretty good night by the looks of things. Thanks for getting it going.

SMS's from the next morning

Miss Contradiction: Log onto a screen a call me - from Jess with the boyfriend that you remember. Pathetic Jason - truly pathetic. ps I am now cured of any attraction to you and next time you want to booty you can call 'jess'

Town Bike: I hate you Jason

***

IT'S CALLED KARMA BABY, AND IT GOES AROUND!!!

Weighing Up A 2.5 Year Relationship

It occurred to me to weigh up my recently defunct 2.5 year relationship. To see what I gained and what I lost, if you will.

LOSSES

• My dignity
• My faith in mankind
• A hell of a lot of money
• 5kg
• Several pieces of furniture, including a bed
• Some sentimental items that I can't be bothered going back to get
• My sobriety
• 2.5 years of my mid-twenties

GAINS

• Some wrinkles
• An esky

Hmmmmm.

I Broke Up With Fuckwit Last Night When I Was Drunk

Seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeya later

Time for me to go on a destructive drinking/sex binge.

WHO IS IT??

Who keeps voting for Good Guys Alexandria as being a suitable place to meet eligible bachelors??

STOP IT!!

There are no eligible bachelors there, just weird people including Jason, Bad Smell and the ice dealer whose name I don't know!!

No Robbie, I Will Not Sleep With You

Well Miss Contradiction and I embarked on the bender to end all benders last night.

We met Miss Penelope at the Lenin Bar for a couple (AKA 100) of drinks then headed back to our spiritual home.

We managed to stay until closing time and - oh yes, I have had a week of celebrity sightings indeed.

WE SAW ROBBIE (click for more info). Yes he of the man foundation and hair straighteners.

When I pointed him out to Miss Contradiction, she proceeded to yell out to him and tell him that we 'love his work'. And we made mysterious keyboard typing signals at him.

But that wasn't enough for me. Yes, I decided to ensconce myself in a booth with Robbie and his friends and - don't be jealous - I think he was trying to hit on me.

At any rate he asked me to go for a swim with him and I was like yeah SURE Robbie. But I couldn't just say I didn't want to go for a swim with him. Oh no, I had to tell a complete lie and say I had my period. Which I didn't. And then go into graphic detail about my imaginary period and tell him it would be like a scene from Jaws. Not surprisingly, he left not long after that.

Good ol' Robbie.

In other news, I have never been less sexually attracted to Bad Smell in my life and would really like to hop into bed with someone else. I think I have the potential to become a big ol' slut in my old age. What's up with that?

However in all my desperate hormonal glory I still wouldn't sleep with Robbie. I respect our friendship too much.

I've forgotten how to pick up after 2.5 years out of the game. Anyone have any tips?