Cat Intervention

Several months ago Miss Contradiction and myself were planning a cat intervention for my ex-boyfriend, or ‘Bad Smell’ as he is known on this blog.

It all started around Easter when we found out that he had stolen a two-week-old kitten from her mother (actually the mother rejected the litter, but that is by-the-by). The cat was tiny and kept getting lost underneath the piles of crap that Bad Smell is cultivating in his apartment. It looks something like the cat pictured here. Also the cat was not vaccinated and was not having mother’s milk to help its immune system – with hygienically challenged people such as Jason spending time with Estelle (her name), she was heading for some serious illnesses.

And seeing as Bad Smell can’t even look after himself, let alone a cat, we were extremely worried for its wellbeing.

So we were planning a cat intervention. The idea was to get together Bad Smell's friends and family (ie Jason and Bad Smell’s psychotic sister, whose hobbies include randomly punching walls and refusing to take her anti-psych medication) and to spring out at him when he came home from work one day, expressing our concerns for the cat. I know what happens at interventions because I saw it on an episode of Beverly Hills 90210 once.

However this plan never came to fruition as we realised that Jason and the psycho sister would just be there for the free beer and wouldn’t really give two hoots what happened to the cat.

Lately I have been worried about the cat. I want to know if it’s still alive. What should we do?

SINKY

What is it with cats in sinks?

I have a grand plan to put my cat and Miss Contradiction's cat layered in a sink together to make a sinky pie.

I LOVE CATS IN SINKS

http://www.catsinsinks.com

A Night Of Randomness

Well I certainly had the most random night I've had in a while last night. Bad Smell and I decided to wander up to the pub for a couple of drinks and the first badge draw and it ended up with us stumbling out five hours later. (Why is it you can never go for just a few drinks?)

In my drunken haze I stupidly told Smell Boy about the blog and I even told him that he is called Bad Smell. Luckily he doesn't know how to use a computer, let alone Google, so he can't see how much I've been mouthing off.

Miss Contradiction and I also informed him that his best mate Jason has no nickname on the blog as he deserves to be named and shamed, and that we are considering printing his last name and mobile number as well.

Once again no one won the badge draw, though we did get to hear the usual array of bad jokes and 'funny' banter over the microphone. I'd rather have the money thanks.

I also noticed from the new staff behind the bar that once again the hole has been on a recruitment drive at the local kindergarten. While I'm sure the blokes enjoy having a pre-pubescent girl pouring them drinks, it can be a little intimidating for a woman over the age of 25 to be confronted by the sight of some lithe young thing who has no hips or arse (possibly because she's not old enough to menstruate yet).

Bad Smell and I wandered home and got stoned and drank my father's bourbon. I don't often get stoned so when I do I spin out. Once in 2005 sometime I thought Smell Boy was going to strangle me while we were lying in bed and I was considering jumping out the window.

Last night I managed to walk into my sideboard and smash a glass. I blamed it on my cat.

I think we must have had sex too because I woke up this morning naked. I hope I enjoyed it.

Dear Miss Contradiction

Why were you blubbering about your cat at the pub last night?

Bad Smell informs me I was mostly behaving myself. However I did have a small lapse in the pokie room at about 12:30am when two guys in matching head sweatband thingies walked in and I yelled "Olivia Newton John in Xanadu called, she wants her look back". Apparently I almost got us into a fight. Whoops.

Oh well, off to get my eyelashes permed now, have fun at work! ha ha ha.

Merry Christmas! Not

Well it’s been good to see that the hole has ‘gone all out’ in preparing for Christmas again.

And by ‘gone all out’, I actually mean ‘done very little’.

Exhibit A: the lone Christmas tree in the corner, as evidenced in the photograph above. I say ‘lone’ because you’ll notice there are NO ACTUAL PEOPLE SITTING IN THIS PHOTOGRAPH. And this was at around 10pm on a Saturday night. SHAMEFUL.

It’s funny how the Christmas tree appears to be sitting whimsically by the window, looking out on the road and dreaming about its escape. I’ve seen that look from many locals over the years. Including myself.

It would be deceptive if you were a non-local walking past on the street and saw that Christmas tree in the window. You’d think ‘wow that place that looks cosy and full of good cheer for the festive season. I might pop in there for a drink.’ Boy you’d be wrong.

I may even splash out and buy the hole some tinsel to get a bit more festive. Perhaps they can wrap some around Pete. Or staple it onto the TAB tickets or something.

And while we’re on the topic of Christmas: Bad Smell, if you are reading this blog entry thingy, PLEASE RETURN MY CHRISTMAS TREE AND DECORATIONS STAT. You may have gotten to keep most of our shared things in the divorce – and even some of my things, such as clothes and underwear – but you are not getting the fucking Christmas decorations.

And you are not getting custody of the cat either. So stop asking. No family court in its right mind would give you custody of a living, breathing thing. Or an inanimate object either, for that matter.

P.S. Apologies for the dark image. I am too lazy to open Photoshop today. But you all know what that damn tree looks like.

Crapulent Cat

I took my cat to the pub last night. She got pretty drunk. Now she's sleeping off her hangover.

She learned all her crapulent ways from the master - me.

P.S. Were any of our blog friends at the pub last night.