I Prostituted Myself For A Vacuum Cleaner Head

I have a notoriously tricky record with vacuum cleaners. When Bad Smell and I were living together, he once caught me pushing the vacuum cleaner around our apartment in an attempt to clean. Unfortunately the vacuum wasn't on at the time. True story. As an appliance salesman, you can only imagine how he's never let me live it down.

So anyway one of the heads of my vacuum cleaner has been out of action for the last few weeks. It didn't seem to be sucking anything up anymore.

So who do I call? Bad Smell, of course. Because he's not just a fridge salesman - oh no, he has many talents and skills, most of them legal. He also sells air conditioners, washing machines and other household appliances.

He came over last night to fix it and turns out the problem was that large clumps of my long lustrous hair have been getting caught in the head. I also haven't emptied the vacuum in 18 months. No I couldn't figure that out for myself.

He conveniently timed it so he arrived when it was too late for me to turn him back out onto the street after finishing his chores. So I had to sleep with him. Well I could hardly not. Then I'd just look like a user, wouldn't I?

As it turns out, a vacuum cleaner head isn't the most ridiculous thing I've ever whored myself out for.

Jason Went Number Twos In Miss Contradiction's Bed During Sex

And no, it wasn't a kinky thing either. It was purely accidental and because he is filthy and disgusting.

Then he tried to blame her cat. Now trust me, Miss Contradiction's cat is a very proud purebred and would never, ever go to the toilet where she sleeps. I've shared a bed with Miss Contradiction and cat numerous times and we've never had the problem of waking up lying in excrement (yet).

Speaking of which... note to self: don't sleep in Miss Contradiction's bed again until sheets have been burned and Jason poo spirit has been exorcised.

Coming Soon: The Misadventures Of Mr Poopy Pants

This story is so disgusting that I can't bring myself to type it.

Disgusting, but hilarious, and a serious threat to my already tenuous hold on my sexuality.

Yes, dear blog stalkers, after hearing this story I may truly never have sex again.

Jason.

GROSS

I just heard the grossest thing ever.

I had to meet Bad Smell at the hole last night. I am selling him my Origin tickets for tonight as I have a feeling Queensland will win and my dad (whom I was going to take with me) isn’t feeling well so I decided to sell them to Bad Smell. I am not really in the mood to sit in the freezing cold only to watch NSW get beaten.

But I digress. So I met Smell at the hole at about 5.30pm. I seriously just wanted to get my money and go home so I could watch Law & Order in peace. But no. I had to stay with him while he had a couple of beers. I sipped daintily on a soda water wishing I were at home. Then I said ‘ok I’m going to go home now’ and he walked out with me. Fair enough, I thought, he’s going to the bus stop. But no. HE FOLLOWED ME HOME. Uninvited. Needless to say my cranky, sick 80-year-old father wasn’t happy to see my loser ex-boyfriend trailing in after me.

And then he asked if he could stay the night. What was I supposed to say? Thanks for the $200, now piss off? So I let him. Against my better judgement, because these days I hate having anyone else in my bed. I need space to writhe around in my sleep.

When he tried to put the moves on me in bed I pretended to be asleep. When that didn’t work, eventually I told him I had my period. Seriously. There are only so many times in the space of a month a girl can have her period.

So I managed to get out of sex. Then just now, my dad gave me a lift to work and I had to listen to him say “Is Bad Smell still having sexual intercourse with you, if so be careful because he’s probably sleeping with some lowlife sluts now you’re not around”. Yes, he said the phrase SEXUAL INTERCOURSE. Oh my God. I feel so unclean. I’m never having sex again after hearing my father say the phrase SEXUAL INTERCOURSE.

I had to reassure him that is definitely not the case and I have no interest in Bad Smell whatsoever anymore. In fact, I would rather have sex with a rotary cheese grater (pictured above).

My dad probably doesn’t believe me, but seriously, EWWWWWW.

P.S. Jason's baby is due in a matter of weeks and he was out at The Attic in Balmain on the weekend hitting on anything with boobs and a pulse. Are you scared yet?

Anyone...?

Does anyone want to pay me $7000 for sex?

Anyone?

I am also open to offers of being someone's mistress.

Pain, Pain, Like Kurt D Cobain

You know how people always say you shouldn't go for a Brazilian (or any sort of major waxing) right before your period?

I always thought that was a myth, but can now confirm that it is indeed correct.

Oh the pain - and I usually have a high pain threshold.

I don't know why I bother anyway. It's not like I'm ever going to have sex again.

I need a stiff drink. Stat!!

Forgive Me For I Have Sinned

In the tradition of sites such as Post Secret (I love this site), post all your deepest darkest confessions here (anonymously of course).

I'll start with one but please note that if I decide to post anymore they will be done anonymously.

I accidentally slept with my ex-boyfriend (Bad Smell) last weekend... three times in 10 hours... and I can't remember any of it.

It doesn't count if you don't remember it, right?

Anyway that's my story and I'm sticking with it so if anyone asks it's still been four months.

HAVE FUN!!

Stalking Update 01.04.07

Here's a list of people Miss Contradiction and I were stalking last night whilst off our faces, both on the stalking phone and in person:

* Andrew
* Jason
* Bad Smell
* Kylie Mole
* Red Blob
* Panda
* Licensee
* Random 20 year olds
* The guy we thought was Robbie several weeks ago (also found out it wasn't actually Robbie)

One of them has to give in and sleep with me eventually.

HELLO WTF?????

Okay well this is weird. Here was I, casually passed out after a drinking binge, and I wake up at 5am still drunk. And lo and behold Bad Smell is trying to 'booty call' me. Hello, do you not remember a certain 'pranking incident' where we completely humiliated you and your mate Jason??? Why would you even want to sleep with me? Are you that desperate?? Yes I know I am a fantastic root but is it really worth your dignity???

Oh yes, he is very good at wooing, the two messages I had were 'I am so horny' and 'I have my place to myself'. WELL IF THAT ISN'T ENOUGH TO MAKE ME RUN ACROSS TO RANDWICK AND HOP INTO BED WITH HIM, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS!!! So I write back at 5am and say 'you can't booty call me, it ain't healthy'. 5 mins later I get a call from a private number (obviously he has been stalking people too because that's my old trick) and I don't answer private numbers. My voicemail rings and he makes some weird arse sigh down the phone. FFS, KEEP YOUR WEIRD MASTURBATION RITUALS AWAY FROM ME!!! JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN ON AN ICE BINGE DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN FILL THE HOURS UNTIL DAWN BY ANNOYING ME!! P.S. I AM NOT INTO CASUAL MEANINGLESS SEX!!! OK I am, just not with you.

The end.

Log Onto A Screen And Call Me

Well I didn't manage to pick up last night, despite the fact I was dolled up in my new party frock and had my rack on display.

Bummer.

Will I ever have sex again?

All indications point to no.

Though I didn't have to go to bed alone. Once again Miss Contradiction and I passed out next to each other.

Sometimes I think it would be easier just to become lesbians.

I Broke Up With Fuckwit Last Night When I Was Drunk

Seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeya later

Time for me to go on a destructive drinking/sex binge.

The New Black

I think lesbianism may well be the new black

HELP

I need a new man - STAT.

I think we should go out on the prowl this weekend.

I saw too many fine-looking specimens on Saturday night to remain in this state of comatose inertia for much longer. It seems like a waste.

Though perhaps it had something to do with the excessive amounts of alcohol I had consumed by 5am - I'm pretty sure I had my vodka goggles on.

C'est la vie - I still want a new man.

No Robbie, I Will Not Sleep With You

Well Miss Contradiction and I embarked on the bender to end all benders last night.

We met Miss Penelope at the Lenin Bar for a couple (AKA 100) of drinks then headed back to our spiritual home.

We managed to stay until closing time and - oh yes, I have had a week of celebrity sightings indeed.

WE SAW ROBBIE (click for more info). Yes he of the man foundation and hair straighteners.

When I pointed him out to Miss Contradiction, she proceeded to yell out to him and tell him that we 'love his work'. And we made mysterious keyboard typing signals at him.

But that wasn't enough for me. Yes, I decided to ensconce myself in a booth with Robbie and his friends and - don't be jealous - I think he was trying to hit on me.

At any rate he asked me to go for a swim with him and I was like yeah SURE Robbie. But I couldn't just say I didn't want to go for a swim with him. Oh no, I had to tell a complete lie and say I had my period. Which I didn't. And then go into graphic detail about my imaginary period and tell him it would be like a scene from Jaws. Not surprisingly, he left not long after that.

Good ol' Robbie.

In other news, I have never been less sexually attracted to Bad Smell in my life and would really like to hop into bed with someone else. I think I have the potential to become a big ol' slut in my old age. What's up with that?

However in all my desperate hormonal glory I still wouldn't sleep with Robbie. I respect our friendship too much.

I've forgotten how to pick up after 2.5 years out of the game. Anyone have any tips?

Bad Smell: The Prince Of Losers (Jason Is The King)

Well he certainly outdid himself in the loser stakes last night. And possibly Jason. Which is a big, big call, but possibly warranted here.

First of all, he lured me to the badge draw with the promise of repaying some of the money he owes me. I didn’t want to go. I have better things to do on a Wednesday night, like watch Law & Order reruns on Foxtel and watch my cat throw up under the dining table.

Unfortunately by the time I got there, he’d done the money he was going to repay me on the horses. Which was an inauspicious start to the night.

Then – here’s a corker – Miss Contradiction and I started talking about my upcoming birthday and it came out that HE HAS NO IDEA WHEN MY BIRTHDAY IS. He doesn’t even know what month it’s in. You’d think that after TWO AND A HALF YEARS of knowing each other and almost as long being together, he might have a vague idea.

But no. He apparently knows when Jason’s birthday is, he knows when my sister’s birthday is, but he doesn’t know when my birthday is.

I was seriously about to glass him with his own schooner, except I have too much respect for alcohol to do that.

However it wasn’t all bad. He did manage to win half a case of beer playing the ‘heads or tails’ games. He was very proud of his ability to randomly guess which side of the coin is going to come up when it’s tossed in the air. Yes Bad Smell, you may have no idea and a gambling problem, but AT LEAST YOU CAN PICK HEADS OR TAILS!! NEXT TIME I’M IN A LIFE AND DEATH SITUATION INVOLVING CALLING HEADS OR TAILS, I’LL BE SURE TO RING YOU!!!

It would appear that the only things he knows about me are my bra size and my menstrual cycle. I’m surprised he doesn’t refer to me as ‘12D’.

Goddamit. I think it might be time for Bad Smell to go back to being my ex-boyfriend again. I’m sure I can find myself a new Bad Smell, preferably one who knows when my birthday is. Oh wait, no I can’t, he’s the best I can do. Whoops.

I rue the day I jumped into bed with him. I did some stupid things when I was 24. IF ONLY HE WASN’T A DECENT ROOT I WOULD DUMP HIM SO FAST TAB TICKETS WOULD COME FLYING OUT OF HIS ARSE!!!

I REALLY HATE HIM SOMETIMES!!!!

A Night Of Randomness

Well I certainly had the most random night I've had in a while last night. Bad Smell and I decided to wander up to the pub for a couple of drinks and the first badge draw and it ended up with us stumbling out five hours later. (Why is it you can never go for just a few drinks?)

In my drunken haze I stupidly told Smell Boy about the blog and I even told him that he is called Bad Smell. Luckily he doesn't know how to use a computer, let alone Google, so he can't see how much I've been mouthing off.

Miss Contradiction and I also informed him that his best mate Jason has no nickname on the blog as he deserves to be named and shamed, and that we are considering printing his last name and mobile number as well.

Once again no one won the badge draw, though we did get to hear the usual array of bad jokes and 'funny' banter over the microphone. I'd rather have the money thanks.

I also noticed from the new staff behind the bar that once again the hole has been on a recruitment drive at the local kindergarten. While I'm sure the blokes enjoy having a pre-pubescent girl pouring them drinks, it can be a little intimidating for a woman over the age of 25 to be confronted by the sight of some lithe young thing who has no hips or arse (possibly because she's not old enough to menstruate yet).

Bad Smell and I wandered home and got stoned and drank my father's bourbon. I don't often get stoned so when I do I spin out. Once in 2005 sometime I thought Smell Boy was going to strangle me while we were lying in bed and I was considering jumping out the window.

Last night I managed to walk into my sideboard and smash a glass. I blamed it on my cat.

I think we must have had sex too because I woke up this morning naked. I hope I enjoyed it.

Kylie Mole Et Al

Miss Contadiction is off work today (AGAIN: here's a free tip from me sweetie - lay off the booze on Sundays) so the weekend's update won't appear until tomorrow.

Though I must say it was somewhat of an interesting weekend. We did sneak into a birthday party in the Antler Bar on Saturday night and proceeded to get chatted up by some random blokes. One of them called me a 'spunk' and for a moment I thought I was being chatted up by Kylie Mole (she goes she goes she goes she just GOES).

We also managed to somehow score 10 or 15 free credits on the jukebox, which was very much appreciated.

Only at the hole.

Bad Smell came over to stalk me last night. I don't know what for, he just randomly turned up on my doorstep. He made me watch some awful show on Foxtel about a depraved hitman called 'The Iceman' - I have the weakest stomach at the best of times. And then he wonders why I wouldn't root him.

There is only so many times a girl can have her period in the space of a month.

More to follow tomorrow with pictures and self-righteous rants galore.

Don't Let The Door Hit You On Your Way Out!

Well I was all bunkered down for a quiet night last night – a crapulent night of watching Law and Order re-runs on Foxtel, to be precise, followed by bed at 10pm – however even the best laid plans often go awry.

I was startled out of my beauty sleep at 2.30am by my phone ringing. And who should it be but my Bad Smell (called that because he hangs around like one).

Here is a transcript of our conversation.

-----

Town Bike: Hello? What time is it?

Bad Smell: Um, it’s about 2.30. Sorry for waking you.

TB: I better go back to sleep. Talk tomorrow.

BS: No hang on, I was ringing to say goodbye. (If this was The OC, they would play some angsty track by some indie band now, but unfortunately this was not The OC, or Melrose Place, or even South Park, this was real life).

TB: Why where are you going?

BS: I’ve decided that Sydney life isn’t for me and I’m going to head interstate.

TB: Did you really have to call to tell me this at 2.30 in the morning? (Realising he has had another gambling episode – this is not the first time this has happened).

BS: No, I had to tell you now… I need you to tell my sister in the morning. Don’t tell her now, it’s too late to ring anyone.

TB: Right… too late to ring anyone. Where are you going?

BS: I don’t know, I’ll call you when you get there.

TB: I’m not calling anyone for you. You clean up your own mess.

BS: Bye baby, I love you so much.

TB: OK bye

-----

I don’t know if this was for real, but… GOD I HOPE SO!!!! Finally – I’m almost out of my glass case of emotion!!

I woke up this morning and thought of the things I really should have said, if I had been more awake:

So are you asking me for money for your train fare?
Can you wait until morning and I’ll drive you to Central?
Can you take Jason with you?
Does this mean I can sleep with other people?

I have spent the morning chuckling to myself about this little episode. I know I probably shouldn’t find humour in his existential angst, but… WHATEVER!!!

LOOKS LIKE I’M ON THE PROWL THIS WEEKEND… WATCH OUT BOYS!!!