Up until now Nautica has probably only been in the top five of losers we know. Like, he's a loser, but we know two or three people (ie Malcolm and Jason) who are much worse.
Look I can't be bothered explaining the history between myself and Nautica again. Suffice to say that I'm not a fan. Follow the links on Nautica to get a backgrounder. Anyone who drank at the hole three-to-five years ago will be familiar with Nautica's work. Speaking of three-to-five... why isn't Nautica doing that for fraud yet?
Anyway, Nautica the raging closeted 'mo pretty much entered the top echelon of losers yesterday. Like, the Pantheon of losers where all the losers who rule over the other losers live. We were at the Orchard Tavern in Chatswood at lunchtime prepping ourselves for Deryk's funeral with a few drinks. I'm not going to talk about Deryk's funeral because... I'm just not. Anyway. Orchard Tavern. Suddenly Bad Smell alerted me to the fact that Nautica was sitting over the way in some really ugly red long-sleeved polo shirt doing his best Pennywise "the evil clown from Stephen King's IT" impersonation. The last cringeworthy "sexy" message I got from him was probably about two months ago. HE WAS WEARING A WEDDING RING!!! As if being married isn't bad enough, can you imagine being married to that simpering fruitcake!!!
God, there is NOTHING more unattractive than a married man who hits on other women. Nautica should just get back in the drain with Pennywise where he belongs.
P.S. I am turning into a raging alcoholic since I stopped smoking (three weeks ago). Like drinking to overcompensate. I'm also anticipating that I'll put on about 10kgs. Come and get it while it's hot fellas!!!!
Showing posts with label Nautica. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Nautica. Show all posts
Saturday, 19 January 2008
Monday, 27 August 2007
Jason, Nautica 'Get Their Stalk On'
Well once again the pick up artists formerly known as Jason and Nautica (okay they are still known by those names) managed to infiltrate the weekend.
Jason's stalking program kicked off on Friday night, or more specifically Saturday morning. At 5.30am. I woke up at around 6am with a terrible (physical) pain in my stomach and little was I to know that soon that physical pain in the gut was going to be joined by a metaphorical one. Yes, I checked my phone and Jason had called half an hour before and left a voice mail message. Nothing profound, just some loud music in the background and him droning my name down the phone line. Later that morning I discovered he had been stalking Miss Contradiction too. A few things:
1. Does he really think he is going to get a root out of someone at 5.30 in the morning, which clearly signals he is making the call because all other options have failed,
2. Why is he calling me at all because he will never, and I repeat never, get a root out of me (he was probably calling me in the hopes I was with Miss Contradiction and would encourage her to sleep with him. Yeah, whatever).
Saturday I got drunk and wandered up to the Oaks in the evening. When everyone else went home I was not ready to go as I was off my face so I ended up hanging around the hole for an hour or two staring at a wall. That is one of my favourite things to do when off my face. But I digress. On my way home at about 11.30pm, maybe midnight, I decided it would be a good time to start stalking random people with text messages. Now my phone doesn't store outgoing messages so I can't be sure of exactly what I wrote but from memory it was something about shoes and sex. Riveting stuff I'm sure.
One other thing my phone doesn't store anymore is people's names. Well it probably does but over the last six months I've become too lazy to do so. Basically I have a whole heap of numbers with no names attached. I rely on working out who the person is by the tone of their messages. So I was sending out random messages about shoes and sex to numbers and I have NFI who the owners of those numbers are. Probably not such a good idea in retrospect but... oh well.
Well actually I do know who owned one of the numbers. Nautica. I could tell because the next morning (I passed out about 30 seconds after writing the messages) I had seven - yes SEVEN - return text messages from Nautica. God he makes a fool of himself. He was writing all this pornographic shit to me about various body parts of mine and even some corny crap about me being a 'real woman'. Was there ever any doubt... I mean, did I ever try and pass myself off as a blow-up doll?? And isn't 'real woman' usually code for 'fat'??? Jesus Christ Nautica, way to make a gal feel special.
Thinking about Nautica actually makes me feel slightly ill. I wish he would accidentally set fire to his beard one night then be so distracted by the burning beard that he falls down a hole and gets stung by a bee.
I spent most of Sunday both vomiting and haemorrhaging and generally being sick and cranky. Probably wasn't such a good idea to binge drink on Saturday. Stupid Prednisone. Hope it starts working soon.
The end.
Jason's stalking program kicked off on Friday night, or more specifically Saturday morning. At 5.30am. I woke up at around 6am with a terrible (physical) pain in my stomach and little was I to know that soon that physical pain in the gut was going to be joined by a metaphorical one. Yes, I checked my phone and Jason had called half an hour before and left a voice mail message. Nothing profound, just some loud music in the background and him droning my name down the phone line. Later that morning I discovered he had been stalking Miss Contradiction too. A few things:
1. Does he really think he is going to get a root out of someone at 5.30 in the morning, which clearly signals he is making the call because all other options have failed,
2. Why is he calling me at all because he will never, and I repeat never, get a root out of me (he was probably calling me in the hopes I was with Miss Contradiction and would encourage her to sleep with him. Yeah, whatever).
Saturday I got drunk and wandered up to the Oaks in the evening. When everyone else went home I was not ready to go as I was off my face so I ended up hanging around the hole for an hour or two staring at a wall. That is one of my favourite things to do when off my face. But I digress. On my way home at about 11.30pm, maybe midnight, I decided it would be a good time to start stalking random people with text messages. Now my phone doesn't store outgoing messages so I can't be sure of exactly what I wrote but from memory it was something about shoes and sex. Riveting stuff I'm sure.
One other thing my phone doesn't store anymore is people's names. Well it probably does but over the last six months I've become too lazy to do so. Basically I have a whole heap of numbers with no names attached. I rely on working out who the person is by the tone of their messages. So I was sending out random messages about shoes and sex to numbers and I have NFI who the owners of those numbers are. Probably not such a good idea in retrospect but... oh well.
Well actually I do know who owned one of the numbers. Nautica. I could tell because the next morning (I passed out about 30 seconds after writing the messages) I had seven - yes SEVEN - return text messages from Nautica. God he makes a fool of himself. He was writing all this pornographic shit to me about various body parts of mine and even some corny crap about me being a 'real woman'. Was there ever any doubt... I mean, did I ever try and pass myself off as a blow-up doll?? And isn't 'real woman' usually code for 'fat'??? Jesus Christ Nautica, way to make a gal feel special.
Thinking about Nautica actually makes me feel slightly ill. I wish he would accidentally set fire to his beard one night then be so distracted by the burning beard that he falls down a hole and gets stung by a bee.
I spent most of Sunday both vomiting and haemorrhaging and generally being sick and cranky. Probably wasn't such a good idea to binge drink on Saturday. Stupid Prednisone. Hope it starts working soon.
The end.
Friday, 3 August 2007
The Curse Of Nautica Strikes Again!
Remember Nautica? (If you don’t: half your luck. But you can click on this sentence to recap.)
Well I have another story to tell about him and his lecherous ways.
Lately Miss Contradiction and I have taken to waking up still off our faces on a Friday or Saturday morning then sending half the people in our phone books messages saying “Panda told me he has a crush on you, you should call him”. We only send them to men and we often send them to Panda, just to confuse him. Perhaps you have been one of the lucky recipients of such a message, if so, you should realise how many hours of hilarity these messages provide us with.
Anyway we must have sent one to Nautica a few weeks ago (I can’t remember but I was probably drunk at the time) because last night I got a message from him saying “Sorry been away, what the hell does Panda has a crush on you mean? Would rather get it on with you than someone called Panda”.
A few points:
1. DREAM ON NAUTICA
2. I haven’t seen Nautica for years and years, why would he assume a message about Panda would be serious?? What an idiot. Why do so many losers have no sense of humour??
Maybe I will get Deputy Dog to get medieval on his ass.
FUCK YOU NAUTICA!! Why don't you go back to doing something you're good at... like, oh I don't know... shooting up pure speed and ripping off pool competitions!!!
Well I have another story to tell about him and his lecherous ways.
Lately Miss Contradiction and I have taken to waking up still off our faces on a Friday or Saturday morning then sending half the people in our phone books messages saying “Panda told me he has a crush on you, you should call him”. We only send them to men and we often send them to Panda, just to confuse him. Perhaps you have been one of the lucky recipients of such a message, if so, you should realise how many hours of hilarity these messages provide us with.
Anyway we must have sent one to Nautica a few weeks ago (I can’t remember but I was probably drunk at the time) because last night I got a message from him saying “Sorry been away, what the hell does Panda has a crush on you mean? Would rather get it on with you than someone called Panda”.
A few points:
1. DREAM ON NAUTICA
2. I haven’t seen Nautica for years and years, why would he assume a message about Panda would be serious?? What an idiot. Why do so many losers have no sense of humour??
Maybe I will get Deputy Dog to get medieval on his ass.
FUCK YOU NAUTICA!! Why don't you go back to doing something you're good at... like, oh I don't know... shooting up pure speed and ripping off pool competitions!!!
Sunday, 25 February 2007
I HATE YOU NAUTICA!!!
Well it seems that a certain malignant tumour known by Miss Contradiction and I as 'Nautica' has attempted to sleaze his way back into my life.
Who is Nautica you ask. Well I'll tell you. Nautica is a repulsive dickhead who used to run the pool competition for the hole a few years ago. Eventually it was discovered that he was ripping off the pool comp to fund his raging speed habit. He was subsequently banned, for life we thought, but apparently that's not the case.
You see I have my own issues with Nautica beyond the pool comp debacle. Five or so years ago he decided to randomly boast to all and sundry that I had sex with him in the toilets. EWWWWWWW. As if I would touch his diseased carcass with a 10-foot pole.
Anyway eventually Miss Contradiction and I had a massive fight with him one Sunday afternoon a few years ago before he got banned and we all thought that was that.
But no. After I stumbled home to pass out on Friday night after a drinking session I got the following message on my phone from an unknown number:
"Hi, saw you at the hole tonight, looking good! Hope you had a good night, call me."
I wrote back who the fuck is this and eventually it transpired it was NAUTICA. How the hell he got my phone number I'm not sure, nor am I sure why he's started stalking me out of the blue years down the track (particularly as we've never been on good terms). Anyway he has been spamming me with 'sexy' messages all weekend and generally embarrassing himself.
NAUTICA IF YOU ARE READING THIS I HATE YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU STAND FOR AND NO I WILL NOT GO FOR A DRINK WITH YOU!!
I REITERATE... I HATE YOU!!!!
Who is Nautica you ask. Well I'll tell you. Nautica is a repulsive dickhead who used to run the pool competition for the hole a few years ago. Eventually it was discovered that he was ripping off the pool comp to fund his raging speed habit. He was subsequently banned, for life we thought, but apparently that's not the case.
You see I have my own issues with Nautica beyond the pool comp debacle. Five or so years ago he decided to randomly boast to all and sundry that I had sex with him in the toilets. EWWWWWWW. As if I would touch his diseased carcass with a 10-foot pole.
Anyway eventually Miss Contradiction and I had a massive fight with him one Sunday afternoon a few years ago before he got banned and we all thought that was that.
But no. After I stumbled home to pass out on Friday night after a drinking session I got the following message on my phone from an unknown number:
"Hi, saw you at the hole tonight, looking good! Hope you had a good night, call me."
I wrote back who the fuck is this and eventually it transpired it was NAUTICA. How the hell he got my phone number I'm not sure, nor am I sure why he's started stalking me out of the blue years down the track (particularly as we've never been on good terms). Anyway he has been spamming me with 'sexy' messages all weekend and generally embarrassing himself.
NAUTICA IF YOU ARE READING THIS I HATE YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU STAND FOR AND NO I WILL NOT GO FOR A DRINK WITH YOU!!
I REITERATE... I HATE YOU!!!!
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