Pop Quiz

What will Jason wear to his wedding?

a) A white Good Guys shirt and slacks
b) A white shirt with moss trimming
c) A white shirt covered in a decorative icepipe motif
d) A white goblin costume.

And will Jason's long-lost abandoned child from Queensland be the ring-bearer?

Abandoning one's children in Queensland seems to be all the rage these days.

Only time will tell.

Breaking News! Jason

In the most hilarious news I have heard in 2009 (all 12 days of it), it appears that Jason is thinking of taking the plunge.

No, he isn't going to throw himself off The Gap in an amphetamine-induced frenzy. Apparently, on New Year's Eve he made some throwaway comment to Bad Smell asking if he would be his best man. When Bad Smell subsequently asked him what that was all about a couple of days later (Bad Smell is a bit slow on the uptake), Jason proceeded to dodge the question and hasn't mentioned it since.

Will we be invited to the wedding? And how will I be able to tolerate it if I'm not drinking any more? Stay tuned for more...

Shayne Borland, Ye Hardly Gave Us A Chance To Miss Thee

As you can guess from the above title, Shayne Borland is back in town. He made a heroic return to the pub on Boxing Day while Miss Contradiction and I were having a quiet alcohol binge. And when I say heroic, he literally walked in with his hands clasped above his head like a returning hero or prize fighter. He then made a beeline for us. Miss Contradiction was sitting with her back to the door but could tell by my face that something was horribly wrong.

He was already about a billion sheets to the wind, wandering around and repeating himself and pestering us for sex. Then the bar girl told me that apparently he has been in rehab, not Bribie Island. Good to see rehab worked for him. He ended up being kicked out after literally one drink.

He then got into a taxi, went around the corner into Cabramatta Road, exited the taxi straight away and came back, hoping they would think he was a different person and he would be let back in. When this clever ploy didn’t work, Shayne Borland stood outside the pub for approximately one hour, by himself, looking in the window.

When Miss Contradiction and myself went out to the smokers’ refuge, he proceeded to hover over the ropes and try to get our attention. We ignored him, and the bouncer hilariously referred to Shayne Borland as a “serial pest”. He said this in total seriousness, making it even funnier. Shayne Borland, serial pest, we salute you.

Several days ago, Shayne Borland commenced hassling me by SMS again, as follows.

Shayne Borland: Are you going up to Cremorne 2nite?

Town Bike: No

SB: Please?

TB: No

SB: OK, can we have sex before I go?

TB: No

SB: Does that men yes?

TB: It means no

SB: So will I see you at Cremorne 2nite?

TB: No

The dance continues.

Pop Quiz

What is Shayne Borland saying in this photo as the flash goes off?

a) "Do you want to go to the pub?"
b) "Do you want a pill?"
c) "Do you want to have sex?"
d) "Did you just call me a serial pest?"

COMING SOON: The Trial Of The Century!!

Brush up on your case law and drop your barrister's wig and robe into the dry cleaners because the trial of the century is about to get underway.

Move over OJ!!

The Cat Book

Tonight I am going to the pub to be presented with a Cat Book courtesy of the Irish Guy.

More details as they come to hand.

The Results Are In!

The results are in of our "Who is your hero" poll of November 24!

The joint winners were "The ghost of Christmas past" and "Shayne D. Borland" with two votes each.

Closely followed by "Jason A. Gray" and "Other" with one vote each.

Hunter S. Thompson was a sorry last with zero votes.

This means we should all start moulding our lifestyles on the Ghost of Christmas Past and Shayne Borland ASAP.

When I Come Back as a Lesbian I want to be Shane from the L Word

I have a serious girl crush on Shane from the L Word.

In fact Town Bike, Bad Smell and I all do.


Alice: Shane!
Papi: Shane?
Alice: Ahh, this ought to be interesting.
[showdown music]
Shane: Hey, hey.
Papi: You're Shane?
Shane: [shoots tequila, exhales] Whew! [addresses Papi] Yeah.
Papi: You're just a skinny little white girl.
Shane: [looks down at herself] Oh. Yeah, I guess I am.
Alice: Shane!
Shane: [distractedly] What?
Alice: This is Papi.
Shane: Who?
Alice: Papi.
Shane: So what?
Papi: So, I'm your competition.
Shane: Oh. Oh, OK. Well, you know, I don't know exactly what we're competing for, but, uh, you win. So, it was nice meeting you.

She is just so incredibly cool.

Armageddon Awaits

I have some bad news to share.

Shayne.

Borland.

Is.

Coming.

Back.

RUN FOR THE HILLS!! AND GROUND ALL PLANES FROM BRIBIE ISLAND!!!

Birkenstocks are not the New Black

From Wikipedia:

"Birkenstock is a German brand of sandals and other shoes, notable for their contoured cork and rubber footbeds, which conform somewhat to the shape of their wearers' feet. Representative products include the two-strap sandal, the Arizona, and the Boston clog. Birkenstock shoes are worn with or without socks, the choice generally based on outside temperature."

They are also extremely ugly. Not quite as offensive as Crocs, but very close.

And if you absolutely must wear them, NEVER wear them with socks.

The Irish Guy

It seems Lady Goon has been making all and sundry aware of our blog, and a certain Irish person is slightly miffed at not having a single mention.

Now it should be known the the Irish Guy is not actually Irish at all, but is in fact Canadian. Town Bike mistook his accent for Irish and of course he has been the Irish Guy ever since.

Things the Irish Guy likes:

1. Feeding his magpies, Charlie & Charlize
2. Birkenstocks
3. Taking photo's of street signs
4. Liver