Is Andrew Dead?

One would assume from his recent silence that it may well be the case...

P.S. Boozy lunch at Cabana

Jason Touches Down In The Information Age

After years of blundering around the Internet trying to work out the difference between email and tinnea, it appears that Jason Gray has finally conquered the Internet (or Facebook, at least).

Well, he's worked out how to join Facebook. Accepting friend requests is another matter.

I wonder what relationship it is that he's referring to? Last time I checked, the only meaningful relationship Jason has had in the past decade is with his icepipe.

Stupid, stupid Jason. He ripped me off for $20 at The Oaks on Friday night.

I hate Jason.

Percy's - The Place To Be

Miss Contradiction and myself have been looking for a new place to haunt given the extreme crappiness of the hole of late and we may have found it in Percy's, also known as 'the pub opposite St Leonards Park with the bottleshop that we used to buy alcohol at underage'.

We lobbed into Percy's for the Manly v Cowboys game on Saturday night and were impressed by the ratio of men to women. That is, there were approximately 100 men to 5 women. It's obviously the new place to pick up.

After all, the best time to coerce sexy fun times out of most men is after they've been watching sport and all the testosterone is high. Which is what Percy's is all about. So let it be known: Percy's is now the place to be.

The end.

Thought For The Day

"Supporting the Manly Sea Eagles is a condition caused by a genetic fault. This condition has so far proved resistant to electroshock therapy, extensive psychotherapy and psychiatric medication".

Some of the most annoying people I have ever met in my life have been fervent Manly supporters.

P.S. How did Ratboy from Manly get the sexiest man in league? Especially compared to the likes of Sonny Bill Williams, Eric Grothe Jnr and, of course, the ever sexy Nathan Hindmarsh.

NEWSFLASH: The Hole Hits A New Low

Yes, just as we thought the hole couldn't get anymore desperate and pathetic than it already is, it has managed to sink to a new low.

More details as they come to hand / when I sober up...

I swear to God, the new management / security need to have a giant cucumber put up their arses. Not because it would accomplish anything, but because I would find it incredibly funny.

I am just glad that when you Google Megahole, this site comes up on the first page so everyone can realise how much everyone hates it.

Anyway, back to preparing my muff-grazing skirts to impress hole security (who BTW can't tell a pair of $120 Skechers from a pair of $20 Target strippertastic heels as the majority of the clientele were wearing tonight).

Why would I ever imagine that a man could make a solid fashion call?

P.S. Boycott the hole, you will not see me there again unless I am really drunk and dragged there, I am glad I told the bouncers 'this place gets more pathetic by the day' and stormed off. Becuase it's true.

NATURAL DISASTER ALERT!!

Warning to all Lower North Shore residents!!

Jason started text stalking me at around 11am EST so I said 'shouldn't you be swindling a customer, get back to work' and he said 'I'm not at work today'.

Miss Contradiction made the mistake of telling Jason that we are going to The Oaks after work and he has made plans to stalk his way into the pub.

So lock up your pets and batten down the hatches! Jason is on his way... and he should be considered drunk and dangerous!

Separated At Birth?

Jason Update

Well as you all probably know by now talking about Jason is the most important thing in our lives so here's another update.

Miss Contradiction and I were bored yesterday and emailed Jason to find out why he hasn't joined Facebook yet as he has a tribute group going. In reply, Jason droned (yes, Jason manages to drone in email) 'how do I get there?'. What, he thinks he can drive to Facebook?

Anyway it transpires that Jason couldn't handle life at the Good Guys Alexandria without his little boyfriend (Bad Smell) and handed in his resignation yesterday afternoon (I told you their co-dependence is alarming). Turns out he couldn't get a position at Bad Smell's new shop so is biding his time at a shop in Belrose somewhere, presumably selling fridges. Which is all well and good as long as he doesn't move back to our area.

Updated list of suburbs to avoid:
- Dulwich Hill
- Belrose
- Kensington

Alexandria is now safe for re-entry.

TIMMY

Who thinks it's true?

I don't, but it makes for a good yarn.

Babies: Are They The Latest Fashion Accessory?

Well as you can all see by the photos of Jason in his mould shirt that have been posted below, he is the height of fashion and is always right on the cutting-edge of any trend.

Therefore it comes as no surprise to hear that babies are the latest fashion accessory - after all, Jason did it months ago.

Call me old fashioned, but personally I think the decision to have a baby requires a little more thinking time than your average accessory purchase of, say, a new pair of leggings or Loony Tunes novelty tie.

But if everyone else is doing it, maybe I should too. Now all I need to find is a loser to knock me up.

The Misadventures Of Jason Part 363

I am happy to report that Miss Contradiction and Jason are newly minted BFFs.

They were on the phone for several hours last night discussing the mysteries of Facebook, Lobo and some lame movie starring Will Smith.

The plot thickens...

How long until they announce their engagement? I predict two days.

Long Weekend Suggestions

I am pulling myself out of my chronic illness-induced rut and am ready to hit the punching bag of life with a vengeance come the long weekend at the end of this month.

Yes I realise it's still 10 days away but I need a while to plan my outfits (i.e. make some alterations now that I am apparently a lard arse).

What is going on? Some cool dance party that I will feel out of place at if I attend? A stalkers' convention at which I can give a presentation? Any grand final BBQs people want to invite me to?? Who wants to bet that we'll spend the long weekend sitting in the dark recesses of the pub getting shitfaced?

P.S. Go Parra
P.P.S. Lobo

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT #4,561,923

Miss Contradiction and I have finally decided to get married!

More details as they come to hand...

P.S. Lobo

Jason Gray Is Special - Part Two

Jason Gray Is Special - Part One

Thought For The Day

This is perfect weather for getting drunk in a beer garden. Discuss...

I think I may have a liquid lunch at ye olde Cabana Bar tomorrow followed by a lengthy pub crawl.

Will I Get Kicked Out Of My School Reunion?

I had the weirdest dream last night that I went to my school reunion and upset someone then got banned and everyone hated me. Actually it was weird and exciting at the same time.

I had work lunch at Pino's. I am drunk.

Jason "Metheuselah" Gray

And now something for the category of 'desperate and disgusting old men whom either Miss Contradiction or myself have had sex with (and thoroughly regret it) and who are celebrating their four hundred millionth birthday':

IT'S JASON GRAY'S 45TH BIRTHDAY TOMORROW!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, METHEUSELAH!!

NOT THAT YOU EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE THE INTERNET SO YOU WON'T BE READING THIS!!

I am going to get him a framed photo of myself as a present.

HINDMARSH FOR PM!!

I endorse the Hindmarsh for PM campaign!!

P.S. I am currently watching Manly/Souths and I would love nothing better than to see Manly get their arses served up to them on a platter. However unlikely that may be.

Panda News!

Members of Panda's extended family follow him Down Under!

STOP PRESS!!!

Jason has just been nominated for the Father of the Year Award!! (I nominated him).

Here's a picture of the present I got him for Father's Day!!

The Ballad Of Ryan Fugly

Gather around the campfire children because Aunty Bike wants to tell you a tale of caution about a certain 'fugmeister' who used to hang around the Cremorne Hotel called Ryan.

I have not seen him in a while but you may remember him as a certain deformed hobbit-looking bloke who was adept at making the skin of women crawl.

I sent out a group text message to my usual suspects tonight re: Jason's Father's Day present of an apron with boobs and Ryan Fugly had the NERVE to respond in a negative fashion.

When I sober up tomorrow and have hours to fill at work I will divulge full details.

Signing off,
Town Bike.

P.S. I still really need to know who Timmy is

Facts About Jason (Or: A Jason Summary)

1. Jason spends most of his time roaming the countryside at all hours of the night and day looking for tail.

2. Jason smokes methamphetamines.

3. Heath Ledger's character in Candy was loosely based on Jason.

4. Jason bears a passing resemblance to matinee idol, Russell Crowe.

5. Jason used to work at 2nds World in Cremorne.

6. Jason sells whitegoods for a living.

7. Jason is turning 37 later this month.

8. Jason must have a billy in the morning to function normally. He calls it his 'breakfast bong'.

9. Jason is a loser.

Weekend Wrap-Up

I experienced one of the most annoyingly crapulent nights of my life on Friday. It was my sister’s birthday so we convened at the Vineyard wine bar/restaurant in Crows Nest to celebrate. Don’t ask me what the food was like, I can’t remember and I don’t think I actually ate. What I do remember however is Miss Contradiction falling off her chair in a spectacular fashion onto the pavement on Willoughby Road. Classy, classy stuff. Note to self: find new boyfriend and force him to take me on dinner dates to the Vineyard so I can work out what the food was like because perusing the website today, it looks like it’s pretty damn good.

After that Miss Contradiction stumbled off somewhere drunkenly so I headed to the Stoned Crow with my sister and some of her friends. What the hell has happened to that place? It used to be a grungy dive (and I say that with the utmost affection because I love grungy dives). My dad used to take my mum on dates there 35 years ago and apparently she got so drunk one time she had to be carried out. Now the place is sterile and covered in tiles and looks like any other generic suburban bar.

After that I dropped into the hole solo to see if there was anyone around I could stalk. Unfortunately I didn’t realise how drunk I was and ‘mysteriously’ my nose started to bleed profusely so I made a quick getaway…

… only to find my sister passed out underneath the letterboxes outside my apartment block. Literally passed out. I managed to drag her inside but she headed straight to the bathroom and sat with her head over the toilet for a few minutes. Finally she said she was ok and wanted to go to bed. I put her in my bed and she lay there for approximately a minute before projectile vomiting all over my bed and floor. Needless to say, I spent a thrilling Saturday washing my sheets and cleaning vomit off my carpet.

Saturday night Jason was phone stalking Miss Contradiction and I for some reason but neither of us answered the phone so who knows what he wanted? Jason hates his stalking. Well actually I sent him a message asking if he was related to Jason Voorhees but that’s it, I swear.

Sunday my sister and I went with my father to Aqua Dining at North Sydney pool for Father’s Day. I ate some stuffed zucchini, knocked back half a bottle of Eden Valley chardonnay and ranted about my latest topic du jour, Abe Saffron (I have just finished reading the book Mr Sin) . Turns out my mum and dad had dinner with him in Rose Bay one night. Then my sister drove back to Canberra and I wallowed in a pile of my own crapulence watching Parra smash Brisbane.

The end.

P.S. Who is Timmy? I simply must know it’s killing me