Jason Gray - Alpha Male

Town Bike and I were having a conversation with Bad Smell the other day when the subject of Jason's brother came up.

This is how Bad Smell describes him...."Imagine and older, fatter and dumber version of Jason".

What a scary thought.

As it turns out Jason also buys drugs off a bunch of guys who set his brother up on a drug deal and are now after him. It's obvious that Jason subscribes to the "Drugs are thicker than blood" theory.

Bless.

Lobo Christ, Superstar

Word on the street is that Bad Smell's new BFF, Lobo, is recording a smash hit single.

Well at least I assume it will be a smash hit single, given that Lobo is involved.

Yesterday I was hanging with Lobo and Bad Smell and Lobo was busy typing out lyrics on his computer and laying down beats or whatever the hell it is you do when you record a smash hit single.

He kept asking me for countries with certain numbers of syllables in their names to fit into his lyrics. Here were my suggestions:

Two syllables: Fiji, Thailand, Turkey, Iraq
Three syllables: New Zealand, Australia

So I'm guessing the lyrics will be something along the lines of "From New Zealand to Iraq, Lobo's hitting it out of the ballpark".

He's recording his song in a fibro house in Blacktown. Sure to be a hit. No confirmation yet on whether Jason will be doing guest vocals.

Also Mason is the new Jason.

The Year In Review - Part 2 (Scroll Down For Part One)

February is famous for Valentine’s Day, but for us, it was a different story. We were plagued by the poster formerly known as abusive anonymous guy who was convinced I was “poncho” girl (this 30-something chick who practically lives at the hole). Note: I am neither 30-something, a poncho wearer nor a chick. He made several abusive tirades regarding abusive anal sex and more. I failed to get his phone number.

In other hole news, we first encountered the Robbie impersonator in one of our off-chops nights (Robbie is some idiot who says he loves ‘dirty funken beats’ on his MySpace website. WTF??). We also met this loser in a gingham shirt who “claimed” to be in a band (note to men on the prowl: singing along drunkenly as the Piano Man plonks out his fury on the keyboard does not count as being in a band). Miss Contradiction pashed him then his girlfriend stalked me. Yes, we do meet some winners. In other news, we both wore fire-engine red Chanel lipstick.

In celebrity news, Anna Nicole Smith died and Will from Home and Away started working at the Hole. We only stalked one of them. Nautica tried to get into my pants after an absence of five years. Nautica should not be confused with an actual celebrity.

Miss Contradiction wet her pants over some big ship, we had high tea for my birthday and the domestication of the dog continued unabated.

During March, Miss Contradiction and myself decided we needed a stalking phone so we could harass people without them knowing it was us. The first order of business was to set Jason up on a wild goose (tail) chase to the Bourbon in Kings Cross. Jason was suitably humiliated; logged onto a screen and called someone. Jessgate opened the floodgates for a whole new era of Jason stalking. Usually this would involve sending Jason a text message with the word “Jason” in it. Just in case he forgot his own name.

During May, Jason and Bad Smell broke up and Bad Smell acquired a new boyfriend… Lobo. Lobo is this guy with a funny last name whom Miss Contradiction has never met. However he seems to be under the illusion that we are BFFs. The only reason I would steal him as a best friend is to get up Bad Smell’s nose. Instead, Jason made friends with a roaming band of goblins. Reports indicate that Jason and the goblin did not claim squatter’s rights at Miss Contradiction’s mother’s house. He moved to Dullards – whoops, I mean Dulwich – Hill instead.

During June, Panda arrived back on the scene. We decided to start stalking him instead of Jason. Often we would multi-task and stalk both at once. Panda is more fun than Jason. We found out that North Sydney Leagues’ and Willoughby (still) suck and I had to listen to my 80-year-old father say the words “sexual intercourse”. Still causing insomnia five months later. Also, we wrote Jason’s phone number on the blog. No one called him. What’s up with that?? Ingrates. We also moved base camp to The Oaks due to the increasing crappiness of the hole.

In July, Miss Contradiction got a special birthday present: Moll Flanders. Moll Flanders is a cheap tart (and possible smacky) who delights in making all and sundry uncomfortable with her inappropriate behaviour (another candidate for Asperger’s Syndrome if ever I saw one). In fact I haven’t seen her around for a while. Maybe she is dead.

July 17 – mark it down in your calendar so you can be alerted re: future Doomsday warnings – Jason’s baby was born. Rather (un)imaginatively, he called her Jennifer Gray. Dirty Dancing jokes ensued. Jason was stoned at the birth then hit the ice pipe later that night. It was a red letter day for Jason for two reasons: 1. The birth of his child 2. He had three types of illegal drugs in one day. Miss Contradiction acquired her own babies – Louboutin slingbacks, that is – and we joined Facebook. Hilarious cyber stalking ensued.

In August, Malcolm was (again) exposed as a fraud. Contrary to his claims, Megan Gale confirmed they are not cousins. Malcolm went back to his cave to plot further havoc. No news on when he is planning to reappear. This incident confirmed Malcolm as the prototype sociopath.

The hole introduced some trivia thing with an eight-foot tall drag queen on Thursday nights. I haven’t been yet but she is supposed to be quite hilarious. I reserve the right to be non-plussed by bitchy queens.

In September, Miss Contradiction and I posted defaced photos of Jason all over the Internet and Manly lost the NRL grand final. THIS MAY WELL HAVE BEEN THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY YEAR!! I nearly got into a fight at The Oaks badmouthing some Manly supporters. Haven’t they ever heard of the ‘truth’ defence?

In October, Miss Contradiction and I headed to Jason’s old stomping ground (Balmain) for a night out and predictably ended up at the hole. She pashed someone called Mario, I stood in the background and sniggered.

But all this paled in comparison to Jason shitting in Miss Contradiction’s bed – the incident that forever after would be known as Poopygate. Jason now has another thing to add to his list of “things I’ve lost control of” – his gambling problem, his waistline and now his bowels.

In happier news, Canada returned to the country after his deportation and is apparently firmly under the thumb. At least some of us have happy endings!

Finally, in more recent times, you may remember us making fools of ourselves in front of Cate Blanchett.

That’s all for now. Happy birthday blog! We love you! Well not really, but you get the idea.

The Year in Review - Part 1

Well groovers, our blog is officially 1 year old today.

It’s been an exciting year in the world of Cremorne, Jason and the Universe.

Allow me to re-cap the major events;

The end of 2006 started with major management fuck ups at The Hole, the nightclub closed indefinitely, and the opening date pushed back from late December to late January. Miss Bike and I resorted to stealing an invitation blue-tacked to the cash register in the bottleshop. Not very well executed may I add.

There was also a lot of infighting, namely Danny, Panda, Andy & Missingham in various combinations. There was also a record number of bannings. Toothless Pete (for life), Andy (for 3 months), Missingham (1 month), Danny (3 months). Also one banning that resulted in a deportation from the country (Canada).

The now defunct badge draw went off to a good start, until they started handing our badges to anyone and everyone, including a few local cats and a couple of dead people. Hence the numbers got up into the thousands and everyone stopped going. if it’s one thing the Hole excels at it’s a marketing disaster of grand proportions.

There was Jason’s spiritual de-pantsing, where he lost his license for the 3rd time DUI. However in true Jason style he simply drove around without one until it was returned to him. I am totally mystified at how he gets away with these things. It’s like the riddle of the Sphynx.

The Cremorne McDonalds re-opened, much to the delight of the 3 am drunken Hole patrons and the Hole introduced a Trivia night that goes for 3 hours.

In January Miss Bike and I were informed that Jason had impregnated his long suffering, almost past her use by date ex, because he felt guilty (yes kids, guilty) that she had waited around for him so long. One could argue that there is a valid reason why 2 people who obviously need floaties in the shallow end of the gene pool should not be allowed to mate, but I digress.

In relationship matters, Miss Bike and I spent entire year either not talking to, igoring, or stalking & shagging Jason & Bad Smell, in a trend we wish discontinue.

This brings me up to the end of January, part 2 to follow…..

Has Jason Found God?

Oh hang on wait, that's Russell.

Banned From Parraween Street… FOR LIFE!!

After being involved in yet another case of public mischief in Parraween Street on Saturday evening, it appears Miss Contradiction and myself may be banned from the street for life.

Miss Contradiction got wind earlier in the week that there was going to be an invaluable celebrity stalking opportunity on Saturday. Apparently some movie was premiering there or something. The details aren’t important. What is important is that an opportunity presented for us to make a spectacle of ourselves. We seized the opportunity with both hands.

We rocked up there about six, both already plastered. I had been drinking at the new and improved Kirribilli RSL all afternoon and gambling with Kelvs (as a side note, I took fixed odds on Zipping for the Cup tomorrow). Miss Contradiction had apparently been at the hairdressers all afternoon, but still somehow managed to be drunk.

So we stopped in at the BWS to grab some booze to take with us. Miss C insisted on buying some fucking fancy bottle of wine, despite me pointing out the logistics of drinking wine in the middle of the street. Wouldn’t something in individual bottles prove more appropriate for drinking in public? You’d think so. Miss Contradiction instead asked the bottleshop staff if we could have tasting glasses – you know, those little plastic ones. They couldn’t find any so instead presented us with two big, heavy, glass beer mugs that came with some promotion.

We wandered across the street and hung out with some old people, who clearly wanted us to get lost. I am getting tired of typing, so to sum up:

• Miss Contradiction tripped over one of our brand new mugs and smashed it everywhere.
• 80-year-old Kelvs drove past in his car to see what all the fuss was about and we started woohing and cheering like he was a celeb.
  
• There was a cute dog called Oscar who was excited about all the action who we were terrorising.
• I started yelling at Big Brother evictees to “get back in the house, we don’t want you here”.
• When Cate Blanchett arrived, I held up the dog and yelled “Hey Cate, do you want an Oscar”.

Then we pissed off back to the hole and ended up having Absinthe shots and more wine. Not surprisingly, I was passed out by 7.30pm.

Yes, we are very classy people.

The Jason Project

Sooooo... Is that anything like the Blair Witch Project?

I Bought...

A black wifebeater with sequins on it.

I just couldn't help myself.

It can be my 'good' wifebeater. I can wear it when attending formal occasions with Uncle Pete.