Agony Aunts Part 154

Ask all your questions about life, love and the universe here and I'll attempt to solve them in my usual rambling fashion.

All sexual propositions should go here too.

Love,
Town Bike

Soulmate Update 27.04.07 – Keep Your Pants On, It’s Here!!

Well I was going to write about the debauchery Miss Contradiction and I got up to on Anzac Day last night but lo and behold I came home and my computer decided to have an unscheduled conniption. Needless to say Law & Order seemed to be a more enticing option than reformatting my computer so therefore you didn’t get a blog entry. I blame Jason.

This is aside from the fact that I was pretty out of it on Anzac Day and don’t really remember much of it to report on besides Miss Contradiction, Bubbles and I forcing a poor old ex-serviceman to talk to us at the RSL.

Oh yeah and the majority of the day’s stalking action took place before 9am – Bad Smell turned up randomly on my doorstep at 8am (he had been drinking at the dawn service since 4am), clearly expecting sex. Luckily I wasn’t there at the time.

But anyway. As you all know my soulmate is scheduled to arrive by the middle of the year and I am yet to hear sight or sound of him/her so I decided to go back and get my tarot done at this place in St Leonards to get some more info. I thought seeing as it’s closer to the date she might be able to provide me with a phone number or at least a vague general description.

But no. All she could tell me was that I will have a fling with a younger man first then settle down with a wealthy businessman, with a MARRIAGE (can you believe it) on the cards in the next 12 months. Well I never.

Now I’m puzzling to work out who this wealthy businessman can be. Here are some options we’ve come up with so far:

· Jason (he is the manager of a whitegoods department and knows some influential people in the drug industry)
· Uncle Pete (he runs his own ‘after hours’ business)
· ??? (Ok I only have two options).

She also decided to freak me out by saying at some point randomly ‘your mother is standing behind you right now, by the way’ and I was thinking great, I haven’t seen my mother alive for 13 years and here am I not wearing my best underwear!!

Uncanny.

To The Poster Who Asked About Full Frontal Lobotomies

Being a good Agony Aunt, I feel compelled to oblige.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...

FRANCES FARMER

The most famous labotomy victim of all time.

Make your own conclusions about whether it was real or not. I have mine.

Is Craig Wing The Biggest Fairy Ever?

I hate Craig Wing with a passion. (He of Sydney Roosters NRL fame.)

I can't find the exact picture I'm looking for on Google, but there was this photo of him on the catwalk for Peter Morrissey wearing pink slacks, a stripey pink shirt and sunglasses on a chain around his neck.

In fact I hate him so much that I cut that photo out of a magazine and defaced it while I was living with Bad Smell, then stuck it on the fridge.

Even my 80-year-old father (gambler extraordinaire and dapper man about town) who loves everything NRL (dad used to play first grade for the Bulldogs) dislikes Craig Wing.

When he saw the abovementioned photo he famously said "that's a bit of a strange get-up" which has now become my catchcry for every strange outfit I see on the street/at the pub.

He also made several derogatory comments questioning Wing's sexual preferences that I can't repeat here due to them being politically incorrect but I think you get the gist anyway.

I prefer to call him a fairy.

Here's a list of other things I also hate:

* Brunch
* Tennis
* Metrosexuals
* Sobriety

(Late addition: Photo of Craig Wing found. Thank you anonymous)

Quick Question

Miss Contradiction and I were trying to work out last night whether or not the licensee is gay.

Although the high number of pink shirts in his wardrobe would suggest otherwise, I say no, he doesn't actually set my highly refined gaydar off.

Other people (mainly blokes) claim he is.

Discuss.

P.S. Miss Contradiction likes him more than me.

Friday The 13th

Well once again Friday the 13th will be here again at the end of the week.

I picked up some sort of pamphlet thingy at the pub while I was drunk over the weekend and note that there is to be some sort of 'gang bang' in Sobar on Friday. That's exciting. And they call it an unlucky day. Pfft.

I'll be there with bells on.

I assume a Gang Bang is some sort of cool music thing that I'm not privy to.

Happy (Insert Generic Religious Holiday Here)

Well I have a busy day ahead of me (of drinking) and will be incommunicado for much of the day.

There's nothing like a good ol' four-day bender to celebrate the birth/death/marriage of God or whatever the hell it is this holiday is about.

I must find some new stalking victims this weekend. Any applicants can contact the stalking phone (number is to your right).

I will be most disappointed if there are no applicants.

In the meantime, here's something to brighten up your day (well at least my day)

Who Is Going To The Vag Draw Tonight?

I am seriously considering it.

Though I never win, at least there is cheap champy.

I wonder whose &^$% I have to **$% to win the damn thing.

I am in a vulgar mood today.

Trivia Question

How many countries in the world have daylight savings? No really, how many?

Stalking Update 01.04.07

Here's a list of people Miss Contradiction and I were stalking last night whilst off our faces, both on the stalking phone and in person:

* Andrew
* Jason
* Bad Smell
* Kylie Mole
* Red Blob
* Panda
* Licensee
* Random 20 year olds
* The guy we thought was Robbie several weeks ago (also found out it wasn't actually Robbie)

One of them has to give in and sleep with me eventually.