Jason Study Guide

It has occurred to me that some of you may not fully understand the concept of ‘Jason’. Hence I have taken it upon myself to write this Jason Study Guide so you too can converse in our language.

For starters: In himself, Jason is not interesting, funny or amusing. The only interest value he has is what we attribute to him.

What I mean by that is that Miss Contradiction and myself have turned Jason into the ultimate joke. We haven’t seen him in at least six months but he has become the ultimate non sequitur for us.

For example, on a Saturday morning I might wake up hungover and Miss Contradiction might have texted me the message ‘Jason’. So I might text back ‘Jason in the sky with diamonds’. Then she might write back ‘Indiana Jason’. Then I would write ‘In Jason we trust’.

Or on another day we might be having an email conversation at work then Miss Contradiction might email me out of the blue and say ‘are you catching up with Jason tonight?’ and I will write back ‘yes we are catching up for dinner and a movie’.

The third correct usage of the term Jason is when perusing the media. You might see a story about some loser or bum who has been involved in methamphetamines/drink driving. Then you say ‘looks like Jason is up to his old tricks again’.

And last but not least, Miss Contradiction and I have great fun texting Jason when off our faces. Often times this message simply says ‘Jason’, as if to suggest he doesn’t know his own name.

The end.

Jason's Pearls Of Wisdom

Apparently Jason texted Miss Contradiction at 2am this morning to say "I like drunk people".

YES WE KNOW THAT JASON!! YOU ALSO LIKE METHAMPHETAMINES AND PICKING UP WOMEN WITH DISEASES!! Why he felt he had to vocalise his thoughts on drunk people at this particular moment, I'm not sure.

Sometimes he is so profound.

Die Jason.

Media Release - The Oaks is the new Cremorne Hotel

Town Bike and myself have just had a meeting and decided that we are over the hole. Yes, dear readers, I hear your collective gasps of disbelief, however even we have decided that the hole blows.

The Oaks is much more interesting, has better atmosphere and was the venue of a spectacular girl on girl punch on the other night. Where do I sign?

Let's face it, come July 2 the hole is going to be a cemetary anyway.

As tightly as we have held onto it over the years, I believe it is time to finally let the good ol' megahole rest in peace.

Since When Is The Cremorne Hotel A 'Motel'?

Motel my arse. Let's face it, it's a dive, plain and simple, and should be referred to as such at all times.

I mean what will they be calling it next... an inn? Who do they think is going to lob up there for the night, the Virgin Mary?

But I have a feeling this incident did not occur at our 'beloved' Cremorne Hotel. The press DOES love bagging the hole at every opportunity so I have a feeling they would name and shame if it was the C Lounge.

That's one thing the media and my old man have in common: fanatical hatred of the Cremorne Hotel.

Slapporn? Is That You?

Surely this woman who was arrested last night has to be someone we know.

Click here

The Cremorne Hotel Stikes Again!!

Well once again I have fallen victim to the curse of the Cremorne Hotel AKA 'The C Lounge' AKA 'The hole'.

After a night of drinking (apparently we were at the Buena) I tried to get into the pub after midnight but was informed that I could not come in by some boofy loser of a security guard with an obvious superiority complex who looked like he'd just crawled out of the primordial ooze moments before and thrown on a black outfit. A few points:

1. I wasn't drunk, I was off my face. There's a difference, duh!!

2. I didn't look drunk.

3. The bouncer was clearly some sort of magician or mindreader as he decided I was too intoxicated before even looking at me or speaking to me. Thanks for your input, David Copperfield!!

4. The place was empty and come on, it's not like the hole is exactly spoilt for choice for customers!!

5. Drunken losers such as myself are the core business of the pub so if you start refusing them entry it will GO BROKE!!! Who do you think is going to start spending money there, the queen? Nicole Kidman? Ladies who lunch?? I don't think so.

So I went home and passed out on something instead.

TRUE STORY!!

Why do I Keep Going to the Badge Draw????????????

I almost made it straight home last night, but alas, the lure of the hole was too much for me.

Actually, I haven't been there in over a week so I must have been withdrawing.

No, I didn't win, yes I did get hammered, yes I did lose some of my belongings and yes I did go home with an inappropriate man.

All in all your average night at the hole.

Ho hum.

Jason? Is That You?

http://www.smh.com.au/news/national/breath-test-leads-to-huge-ice-seizure/2007/06/21/1182019233631.html

I wonder what he's doing in Griffith?

Must be a big whitegoods convention down there or something.

I Found Jason's Website!

Look, I found what must be Jason's website, the aptly (or not) titled 'So Suave'.

I was particularly interested in part of the so-called 'game plan' to 'entrap women', known as 'neg-hits'.

Apparently this involves insulting someone to pique their interest, and thus get them into 'bed'.

Ok, whatever.

This reminds me of the time Jason left messages on my voice mail telling me to show up at the metropole one night so we could fight to the death. Apparently he was going to bring some of his bikie Bandidos mates with him to beat me good and proper.

Or maybe he wasn't trying to pick me up because I was going out with his best mate at the time.

Like that's ever stopped him before.

Bubastis

"When the Egyptians travel to Bubastis, they do so in this manner: men and women sail together, and in each boat there are many persons of both sexes. Some of the women shake their rattles and some of the men blow their pipes during the whole journey, while others sing and clap their hands. If they pass a town on the way, some of the women land and shout and jeer at the local women, while others dance and create a disturbance. They do this at every town on the Nile. When they arrive at Bubastis, they begin the festival with great sacrifices, and on this occasion, more wine is consumed than during the whole of the rest of the year."

At least now when I'm shitfaced I can tell people it's for a religious holiday, also known as 'Bubastis'.

Blocking email addresses = new black

I have just heard from a ‘reliable source’ (ie Miss Contradiction) that blocking people’s email addresses is the new black.

Miss Contradiction is the queen of blocking email addresses. Not only has she blocked Jason’s address, but also several other people who don’t actually email her anymore, just in case the fancy takes them (a pre-emptive strike).

I would love to get in on this email-blocking caper. In fact, I think I might ring up Goulburn Supermax prison and ask for Ivan Milat’s email address, just so I can add him to my blocked addresses list!

You never know when ol’ Ivan is going to forward you a jokey group email!!

Agony Aunts Part 12,345,789

Due to the fact that the site has become rather boring of late (and in all honesty I am running out of things to say because nothing ever happens in my uneventful life) here is your next Agony Aunts post.

Ask us anything about anything and we'll attempt to answer it.

All sexual propositions should go here too.

Love,
Town Bike

Jason is an Idiot Episode 3,578

Months and months ago, Town Bike and I put Jason on the Cremorne Hotel’s email listing.

Just then, he forwarded about 6 emails from them to me.

I am unsure as to why, however I think he may have been under the impression that he was being clever. Or perhaps he struck out at the Attic at the weekend and this is a new version of “Log on to a screen and call me”. BTW, all were signed with his lame arse auto signature;

Kind Regards

Jason Gray
Whitegoods Manager

I responded thus;

“FFS!!!

If you don’t want these emails then just opt out using the link at the bottom of the email you idiot. Don’t send them to me.

As you are obviously too stupid I have done it for you.

Oh yes, I must include my auto signature to prove how important I am”

LOSER, LOSER, LOSER!!!!!!

GROSS

I just heard the grossest thing ever.

I had to meet Bad Smell at the hole last night. I am selling him my Origin tickets for tonight as I have a feeling Queensland will win and my dad (whom I was going to take with me) isn’t feeling well so I decided to sell them to Bad Smell. I am not really in the mood to sit in the freezing cold only to watch NSW get beaten.

But I digress. So I met Smell at the hole at about 5.30pm. I seriously just wanted to get my money and go home so I could watch Law & Order in peace. But no. I had to stay with him while he had a couple of beers. I sipped daintily on a soda water wishing I were at home. Then I said ‘ok I’m going to go home now’ and he walked out with me. Fair enough, I thought, he’s going to the bus stop. But no. HE FOLLOWED ME HOME. Uninvited. Needless to say my cranky, sick 80-year-old father wasn’t happy to see my loser ex-boyfriend trailing in after me.

And then he asked if he could stay the night. What was I supposed to say? Thanks for the $200, now piss off? So I let him. Against my better judgement, because these days I hate having anyone else in my bed. I need space to writhe around in my sleep.

When he tried to put the moves on me in bed I pretended to be asleep. When that didn’t work, eventually I told him I had my period. Seriously. There are only so many times in the space of a month a girl can have her period.

So I managed to get out of sex. Then just now, my dad gave me a lift to work and I had to listen to him say “Is Bad Smell still having sexual intercourse with you, if so be careful because he’s probably sleeping with some lowlife sluts now you’re not around”. Yes, he said the phrase SEXUAL INTERCOURSE. Oh my God. I feel so unclean. I’m never having sex again after hearing my father say the phrase SEXUAL INTERCOURSE.

I had to reassure him that is definitely not the case and I have no interest in Bad Smell whatsoever anymore. In fact, I would rather have sex with a rotary cheese grater (pictured above).

My dad probably doesn’t believe me, but seriously, EWWWWWW.

P.S. Jason's baby is due in a matter of weeks and he was out at The Attic in Balmain on the weekend hitting on anything with boobs and a pulse. Are you scared yet?

Willoughby, the Siberia of the North Shore?

Why is it that certain residents of Willoughby feel the need to infiltrate the Cremorgue Hotel?

I don’t understand it personally.

Can’t they frequent the Great Northern, Longueville or some other equally superior licensed establishment?

I mean, these people actually go OUT OF THEIR WAY to come to the den of crapulence.

That is even sadder than being within stumbling distance.

GO HOME LOSERS!!!!!

North Sydney Leagues = Panthers Of The North?

On Saturday afternoon, Miss Contradiction and my family (ie my sister, father and myself) ventured to the Belgian Beer Café ‘Epoque’ in Cammeray for lunch. $170 later (yes Miss C and I ate and drank very well for two people at the end of a pay cycle) we decided to stumble across the road to North Sydney Leagues so we could continue drinking and so my dad could do his arse on the horses (it was a Saturday, after all).

WHAT ON EARTH HAS HAPPENED TO THE PLACE?? I haven’t been there for a couple of years and admittedly I was off my face the last time I was there but still…

They say that Panthers ‘World of Entertainment’ in Penrith has 1% of all the pokie machines in the world. If that is true, then… North Sydney Leagues certainly has a lot of pokie machines too. In fact the whole place has become over run with them.

More pokies than you can point an ice pipe at and $45 for a bottle of Oyster Bay? Very disappointed, North Sydney Leagues.

On the way out, we decided to test out the breathalyser machine. Despite the fact that Miss Contradiction and I had EXACTLY the same amount to eat and drink (two 500ml Stellas at Epoque and we shared a bottle of wine at the club) I managed to blow 0.089 while she only blew 0.029. Yes, scarily, legally Miss Contradiction could have driven us home.

What’s up with that??

ROY RULES!!!

ROY RULES!!!

How Fantastic Is Her Style??

I loved what she was wearing last night, loved her hair, loved that I could never pull it off, loved everything.

Love, love, love!!

Not the most flattering photo, by the way.

Send her to Europe and get her on a runway stat!!

P.S. Sorry Steph but you will never be a runway model. Let's just accept that you're made for Dolly - and leave it at that.

P.P.S. Jodhi Meares should never be allowed to host anything ever again

Anyone...?

Does anyone want to pay me $7000 for sex?

Anyone?

I am also open to offers of being someone's mistress.

Panda The Photo Op Whore!!!!!

This is our friend/stalkee Panda at The Oaks last Saturday night.

He likes to 'Panda' to the occasion!!

P.S. What is Panda's real name.

Australia's Next Top Model

I have long been addicted to the 'Next Top Model' series. It all started with America's Next Top Model and this season I've actually gotten into Australia's Next Top Model (series three). In fact I have become quite obsessed with it!

There is something so appealing about watching these girls under 20 bitch and cavort. It reminds me of my misspent youth (but without the modelling assignments and striking good looks).

Well, it's the finale tomorrow. I am firmly in camp Alice. Yes, she is very thin and looks like she might topple over at the first gust of wind. But aren't models supposed to be thin?? Let's face it, clothes hang better on a slight frame. Take it from someone with reasonable sizeable breasts - well cut designer clothes look like SHIT on your typical curvy body.

At first I didn't see the appeal but now I think she's kind of ethereally pretty.

I'd much prefer her to Steph H, who is also very pretty but I really can't warm to someone who calls Morocco 'Marocca' and isn't sure whether chile is a country or a sauce.

The Bland Canyon ANTM wrap ups are also very funny. I spent two hours reading them on Friday and trying to smother my laughter at my desk.

Weekend Update With Town Bike

After many weeks of sloth-like hibernation, Miss Contradiction and myself decided it was time to ‘get our drink on’ on Friday night and head out for some quality binging and stalking.

We started off at Cabana Bar on Friday in what was already a considerable state of inebriation. I was quite bemused to find that one of my old acquaintances was already there. Suffice to say that I took great pleasure in noting her washed out appearance. Schadenfreude at its finest.

Miss Contradiction and I then decided we’d had enough of the overly trendy surrounds of the Cabana Bar and headed back to our spiritual home – the megahole – for some more shenanigans. I seem to remember playing pool and also going into the So-So-Bar at one stage after Miss Contradiction told the door thugs that I was her ‘bitch’. You wish!!

Anyway. We then proceeded to get bored of the So-So-Bar and ended up sitting downstairs for about five hours – as we always do – even though the place was fairly deserted.

And then one of our old nemesises – let’s call her Slapporn – decided to befriend Miss Contradiction and monopolise her attention. Now if you’re familiar with Slapporn (hint: her nickname Slapporn rhymes with her actual name) you’ll know that she is the REAL Town Bike. Yes, I may call myself Town Bike on a blog, but I couldn’t hold a candle to her overly enthusiastic vagina.

Not only is she a grade-A slapper, but she also calls herself ‘bisexual’. Now I may attract much abuse for saying this, but ‘bisexuality’ really pisses me off. Are you gay or not? Most of the time ‘bisexuals’ are actually ‘faux bisexuals’ and are just saying it to create controversy and thus attract attention. I believe Slapporn to be a faux bisexual.

Anyway. At one stage I noticed Miss Contradiction was in tears while Slapporn was gushing effusively over her. Although Miss Contradiction does like a good cry when drunk (GOD that is so annoying, by the way, you really have to stop doing that), I’ll be damned if anyone but me makes her cry.

So I started eavesdropping on the conversation and worked out that Slapporn was feeding Miss Contradiction a load of bullshit so she could upset her, comfort her and then look like a hero as Miss Contradiction has an unwell family member at the moment. So I turned around politely and pointed out that Slapporn is not a doctor and was not in a position to offer a sight-unseen prognosis in the middle of the pub at 2am. SERIOUSLY SLAPPORN, IF YOU CAN DIAGNOSE SOMEONE'S CONDITION WITHOUT EVEN BEING IN THE SAME ROOM AS THEM, WHY AREN'T YOU OUT CURING CANCER INSTEAD OF WASTING YOUR TIME SPREADING HERPES AROUND THE LOCAL PUB!!

Well Slapporn did not take kindly to that at all, let me tells ya. She went ballistic and started calling me an ‘idiot’ and a ‘stupid girl who doesn’t know anything’. Well I am many things, but stupid isn’t one of them. And as for calling me a little girl – what, is that supposed to be an insult?? Yes, I may be 10 years younger than her and THANK GOD FOR THAT!!

So I calmly pointed out that she has slept with at least three-quarters of the suburb and she then decided to GRAB MY PONYTAIL AND PULL MY HAIR. And she calls me childish?? Joke was on her because I haven’t washed my hair for nearly six weeks!

So that was our Friday night. It’s been a while since I was in a bitch fight – it was fun!

Now you know why a lot of people dislike me.

You're Frozen, When Your Crack Pipe's Broken

I was thinking last night how cool it is on TV shows when a particular character has a theme song that plays whenever they walk in the room, do something stupid, have a dramatic conniption, etc. Then I got to thinking, why can't I have a theme song? Why should it be limited to characters on TV? What have they got that I don't? (Yes I admit I may have been influenced by 'The Family Guy' in saying this).

So I have decided I would like my theme song to be 'Mmmm Bop' by Hanson. I would like to think it would be played whenever I make an entrance, have an inner monologue as per 'The Wonder Years' or attempt to seduce a man etc.

I also nominate Jason's song to be either 'Ice' by Magic Dirt or 'Frozen' by Madonna (in keeping with the ice theme).

And I think the Hotel Cremorne's theme song should be 'I Like To Have A Beer With Duncan' by Slim Dusty. This song could be played whenever the cameras are doing an establishing shot inside or outside the pub.

I love to have a beer with Duncan
I love to have a beer with Dunc
We drink in moderation
And we never ever ever get rollin' drunk
We drink at the Town and Country Hotel Cremorne
Where the atmosphere is great
I love to have a beer with Duncan
'Cause Duncan's me mate, yeah

What would your theme song be?