Abusive Anonymous Guy

The abusive anonymous guy was here this afternoon and didn't leave a message. Let's coax him out of hiding.

He intrigues me. I don't care if he thinks I'm ugly - he's probably right.

God bless you and the mule you rode in on, abu-anon.

Stupid Man

Some guy followed me home last night. Sucks to be me.

Luckily I'd had enough to drink and was paralytic at the time and barely remember the details today.

Perhaps he was hoping to give me advice on getting rid of my fat love handles.

Yes Miss Penelope and I did win trivia last night under team name 'microhole'. Last thing I remember from Tuesday night is pouring champagne into the trophy and drinking out of it.

LONG LIVE MICROHOLE!!!!!

P.S. The licensee is quite hot.

LONG LIVE MICROHOLE!!!!!!

I'd like to thank God, and the Academy...

Does Anyone Else Think That 90% Of MySpace Profiles Are Damn Annoying?

I hate MySpace. It seems most of the girls have posed photos of themselves acting like whores (topped off with a photo of them where the camera is on an angle and they are trying to pout seductively whilst dressed cheaply in their Supre specials) while the boys are all apparently tryhard DJ wannabes. In fact the least annoying profiles are probably the fake accounts that are used to distribute spam.

And the bloody page layout is so difficult on the eye especially when you consider the outrageous colour schemes most people have selected for their page. It appears that the majority of people don't actually check what the colours and patterns look like together before publishing their site and just place them randomly as they go.

Do you know what else blows? Australia's Got Talent.

This bad weather is fun.

Bad Smell has been stalking me all weekend. Apparently he has evicted Jason from his house. Back to Liverpool with you Jason.

Leopard Skin Robes = New Black?

So I am at home watching The Departed (great movie by the way, Marky Mark is strangely sexy in it) and getting drunk and I notice Jack Nicholson's character wears a very striking leopard skin robe in one scene.

WHERE THE HELL CAN I GET MYSELF ONE OF THOSE??? So cool... oh that's right, it's in the back of my car.

WHEN ARE YOU COMING TO GET YOUR LEOPARD SKIN COAT MISS CONTRADICTION?? AHAHAHA.

I decided not to inflict my particular brand of unpleasantness on the world today. I think that's best for all concerned.

HELLO WTF?????

Okay well this is weird. Here was I, casually passed out after a drinking binge, and I wake up at 5am still drunk. And lo and behold Bad Smell is trying to 'booty call' me. Hello, do you not remember a certain 'pranking incident' where we completely humiliated you and your mate Jason??? Why would you even want to sleep with me? Are you that desperate?? Yes I know I am a fantastic root but is it really worth your dignity???

Oh yes, he is very good at wooing, the two messages I had were 'I am so horny' and 'I have my place to myself'. WELL IF THAT ISN'T ENOUGH TO MAKE ME RUN ACROSS TO RANDWICK AND HOP INTO BED WITH HIM, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS!!! So I write back at 5am and say 'you can't booty call me, it ain't healthy'. 5 mins later I get a call from a private number (obviously he has been stalking people too because that's my old trick) and I don't answer private numbers. My voicemail rings and he makes some weird arse sigh down the phone. FFS, KEEP YOUR WEIRD MASTURBATION RITUALS AWAY FROM ME!!! JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN ON AN ICE BINGE DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN FILL THE HOURS UNTIL DAWN BY ANNOYING ME!! P.S. I AM NOT INTO CASUAL MEANINGLESS SEX!!! OK I am, just not with you.

The end.

So Gay Bar Opening...

Well kids, it was the 'mega-opening of the So-bar' last night, as reported by the Sunday Telegraph last Sunday. Mind you this announcement was on page a gazillion and 10 and had to share its bullet point with something about an aboriginal youth group.

No, I wasn't invited as I am obviously over 18 and don't dress like a $2 hooker (my look is more mid - high class hooker) so my update will be limited.

'Legs' aka door bitch looked resplendent in her muff grazing white babydoll-esque dress and a fetching purple curtain was draped outside the entrance to shield the VIP guest from having the C-Lounge patrons within their sites. Numerous security had been employed to keep out the riff-raff no doubt and anyone over the age of 18.

In a moment of playfulness I asked one of the security staff who you had to sleep with to get an invite and I think he thought I was serious. Obviously not too much going on between the ears there!!!

Anyway, that's when I got bored and went home.

Was anyone there? Any z-grade celebrity appearances....like Dougie the Pizza Boy or Will from Home & Away....?

Oh hang on, he works there...

PlayStation 3 Launches Tonight

And I've already had one in the office for the past couple of weeks.

I wonder if I can sneak it home with me and save myself a thousand bucks.

HA

Wherefore Art Thou Duromine?

I hear through the grapevine that doctors are no longer as willing to prescribe my favourite prescription drug, the hardcore weight loss pill Duromine, even to overweight people.

Considering I am well within the healthy weight range it has always been slightly harder for me to be prescribed it, though I do have my tricks (which I am not going to divulge here).

Of course one of the 'fortunate' side effects is not only that you lose weight at an alarming rate, but you also walk around the entire time as if you are speeding and eventually you have a nervous breakdown.

But most importantly, you lose weight for special events (such as going out on a Saturday night and trying to pick up).

I miss Duromine. I remember fondly the time Miss Contradiction and I were so desperate to be off our faces and seeing as we had no other options we decided to shaft a couple of Duromines.

Which is only marginally better than the time we decided to shaft a couple of Zolofts and follow it up later in the night with a few Valiums.

After which Jason broke into Miss Contradiction's house and filmed us sleeping (we were so out of it that we had no idea he was there).

Rather adorably, Miss Contradiction is trying to spoon me in the film clip, which Jason sent to me on my mobile phone.

We are very classy women.

Keep Pranking, Robbie!

Robbie Is Such A Prankster!

Check him out doing this cool artistic shot!

P.S. Stop putting photos of you acting like a fuckbucket on your MySpace you tool.

Another Day, Another Drinking Binge

Once again, we all managed to get very drunk last night.

I myself am a bit under the weather with some retarded flu and keep losing my voice so I fell asleep on the couch until around 3pm. At which point Miss Contradiction called me and instructed me to come up to the pub. Me being the good friend that I am, I toddled off only to find it was pissing down with rain.

Well luckily I had an umbrella - except that didn't stop no less than six people saying 'is it raining outside?' because my hair was wet. No retards, my hair was wet because I just got out of the shower. And what do I look like, a weather service? Why don't you turn around and look to see if it's raining outside?

But I digress. Miss Contradiction was already fairly inebriated so I had some catching up to do. And catch up I did admirably. I seem to remember stumbling out some time after 9pm. Though how I got home I'm not sure - I really should take a video camera on my drinking escapades to prevent these memory lapses.

Anyway I woke up on the couch this morning fully clothed - which I guess is one step better than Friday night when I woke up at 5am on Saturday morning in Miss Contradiction's bed with no pants on and her puzzling as to how I got in there.

It was lucky because last time I woke up in someone else's bed I had an AVO slapped on me. What's up with that?

GO PARRA!!!

I LOVE YOU HINDY!!!

STALKING SEASON KICKS OFF!!!

How exciting... first, the rugby league season kicks off tonight, now apparently the stalking season is close to starting too!!

I just got an invite to the silverchair album launch/after party at the end of the month... at which they will be playing.

Now I am no fan of silverchair's music, but seeing as Naroomina and I used to stalk them when we were 17 (we didn't even like their music then, it started off as obsessive hate-filled stalking then gradually turned into obsessive love-filled stalking), I do hold a soft spot for them in my black, evil heart.

SUCKED IN NAROOMINA, I AM GOING TO STALK AND BED ONE OF THEM AND YOU ARE STUCK IN LONDON!!! AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME!!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA HAHAHAHA

Gay Celebrities

I am an expert on gay celebrities. I have a morbid fascination with it. In fact if I was on The Einstein Factor and had to pick a speciality topic, it would be 'gay celebrities'.

Here is a list of the celebrities that I am fairly sure are gay, or at least so bisexual that they might as well be.

Tom Cruise, John Travolta, Kevin Spacey, Jake Gyllenhaal, Matthew McConaughey, Wentworth Miller (Prison Break), Penelope Cruz, Jessica Biel, Jodie Foster, Queen Latifah, Anne Hathaway, Sir Anthony Hopkins, Jorja Fox (CSI), Mariska Hegarty (Law & Order), Marcia Cross (Desperate Housewives), Kate Walsh (Grey's Anatomy), Alicia Keys, Michelle Rodriguez, Ryan Seacrest, Kimora Lee Simmons, Anthony Callea, Ricky Martin, Hugh Jackman, Kelly Clarkson.

This is all I can think of off the top of my head. More to come tomorrow.

Granny Killer Spins Some Tunes At Sobar

I notice from Sobar's website that someone called John Glover is playing some upcoming 'gigs' (is that what you call it for DJ-types?) at the venue.

Now I have never claimed to be cool and wouldn't know the world's most popular DJ if he came up and ejaculated on my face, but last time I checked John Glover was better known as the Mosman Granny Killer (click here for more info for you youngsters who were still in nappies at the time).

Yes that's right, the notorious murderer who used to stalk grannies home from the Mosman RSL and strangle them with their own pantihose.

Last thing I remember John Wayne Glover was found dead in his cell at Lithgow jail, has the Sobar achieved what David Copperfield couldn't and raised him from the dead to play songs at Sobar??

Is anyone on the management team even old enough to remember the Granny Killer??

I can't wait to see DJ John Glover and DJ Ivan Milat going 'head to head' on the 'decks'.

Pash And Dash (Or Stumble)

Naroomina pioneered a new way of getting some pash action on the weekend.

At the end of the night at the Slip Inn, she simply walked up to the best looking man in the room, pulled him away from his friends, pashed him, then walked off and went home.

I think this way of cracking onto men could be the way of the future, since nothing else seems to work.

Miss Contradiction and I are both going to challenge ourselves to do this in the next few weeks. So watch out fellas!!!

Pheromone Wipes are the New Black

Ah yes, another fun filled weekend at the Hole.

After the shenanigans with the stalking phone on Friday, and our subsequent boozy afternoon on Saturday, we were back for some more boozing on Sunday.

Town Bike and myself came across a new phenomenon (maybe not new, but new to us - however I digress) that resides in the male toilets called a 'Pheromone Wipe'

Check out the spiel on the Internerd:

'Pheromones are chemicals that send out subconscious scent signals to the opposite sex that naturally trigger attraction, arousal and readiness for sex. When a woman receives the chemical-hormonal signals, she automatically, instinctively responds - without even realizing what is drawing her to you.'

We immediately pounced on the nearest male we could find to purchase us some of these magical wipes. After dousing ourselves liberally in this disinfectant potion, we discovered it really does nothing at all.

Jason is apparently a fan of these wipes. Must be what attracts women of the calibre of 'Jess' to him.

Except for making people go mental. Last night we had another punchon followed by another lifetime banning and a whole lot of other hoo-haa that luckily transpired after my graceful exit (i.e walking out of my own accord and not running into the flower pots on the way out.)

The Stalking Phone Has Paid For Itself

BEST PRANK EVER.

Some background info - 'log onto a screen and call me' refers to a message Jason accidentally sent to Miss Contradiction once, and now we periodically send him that message to annoy him. Also Jess is a character we made up, and we were nowhere near the bourbon last night.

I'll let the SMS's from last night do that talking, shall I?

***

Stalking phone: Hey jason! Remember me? ;-) what are you up to 2nite?

Jason: New phone. Jog my memory.

Stalking phone: We met in balmain a while back? I had a boyfriend at the time?

Jason: Whereabouts? Did I know you had a boyfriend?

SP: Attic, you told me to call if we ever broke up.

J: What's your name?

SP: Jess. It was my birthday. I thought you would remember?

J: I remember. Not much on tonight, did you wanna meet up or something?

SP: Having dinner with some girlfriends, I'll give you a call when we head out?

J: Ok sounds good.

SP: Hey will be finished in about an hour where r u? are u out now?

J: Home at kensington. Worked till 8. Where are you?

SP: We are heading to the cross later, want to meet up?

J: Perfect, my mates coming. Do you know where your gonna go? [he is referring of course to Bad Smell; who is also a loser and deserves to be pranked]

SP: We were thinking the bourbon? Is it any good? Is your friend hot? I have a hot friend hehe

J: He thinks he is. Bourbs ok.

SP: Ok we are heading to the x now. Text me when u get there i remember what you look like. x

J: (After about an hour) OK I'm here.

SP: Where are you? Who are you with? I'm at the bar

J: Me? I'm here. Your at the bar? I'm near the bar.

SP: My friend is having a moment in the toilet. She keeps saying something about 'log onto a screen and call me'? What does that mean Jason??

J: That's hilarious. We're up for a pretty good night by the looks of things. Thanks for getting it going.

SMS's from the next morning

Miss Contradiction: Log onto a screen a call me - from Jess with the boyfriend that you remember. Pathetic Jason - truly pathetic. ps I am now cured of any attraction to you and next time you want to booty you can call 'jess'

Town Bike: I hate you Jason

***

IT'S CALLED KARMA BABY, AND IT GOES AROUND!!!

Weighing Up A 2.5 Year Relationship

It occurred to me to weigh up my recently defunct 2.5 year relationship. To see what I gained and what I lost, if you will.

LOSSES

• My dignity
• My faith in mankind
• A hell of a lot of money
• 5kg
• Several pieces of furniture, including a bed
• Some sentimental items that I can't be bothered going back to get
• My sobriety
• 2.5 years of my mid-twenties

GAINS

• Some wrinkles
• An esky

Hmmmmm.

Poncho Turned Up At The Pub Tonight

Oh yes she did, and she was wearing her poncho. It was beige.

True story.

I was waiting to see if an angry guy leered out of the shadows and abused her about her website because that would have been funny.

Yelling stuff about anal sex and stitches.

Now I'm going to watch Scrubs then Law & Order and get (more) drunk on lychee vodka.

Hasta La Vista!

The Stalking Phone Gets Its First Message!

Stalking Phone

Miss Contradiction and I were lying in bed early on Sunday morning, still well and truly off our faces, and decided we need a phone specifically for stalking.

You see when we wake up a few hours after calling it a night, still trashed, we have this intrinsic need to send people weird messages and call them and hang up.

While this is ok with phone calls as you can make your number private, it's not as safe when stalking via text message because the person can see your number.

So we decided we need a separate phone just for stalking. Lo and behold I looked through my desk this morning at work and realised I had a phone sent to me a while ago with a SIM card in it that would be perfect as a stalking phone.

We will also use it as a blog phone, so if you're out and about and need to send us Pete sightings or other exciting snippets that can go on the blog, then you can text us.

The best comments of the week will be posted on Mondays on the blog.

Happy stalking!

Oh yeah the number is 0449 136 513

Haha. Awesome Site.

Sam And The City Sucks

I hate Sam And The City too.

Samantha Brett was in my course at uni - though several years below me - and while I didn't know her personally, I can just imagine the particular brand of twee barbie power disguised as post-modern feminist empowerment that she was selling in tutorials.

In fact I can almost smell it through my monitor when I read her blog.

Goddamn.

A Poncho A Day Keeps The Style Away

Well we were having a boozy lunch at Peppercorn yesterday (prior to getting absolutely smashed at the pub and hassling some bouncer) and who should walk in and sit at a table nearby but Poncho.

We all commented how funny it would be if our blog's resident angry man went up to poncho and started hassling her and she would have no idea what he was talking about.

True story.

I have the worst hangover I've had in at least a week.

P.S. I hate Jason.

P.P.S. Log onto a screen and call me.

Log Onto A Screen And Call Me

Well I didn't manage to pick up last night, despite the fact I was dolled up in my new party frock and had my rack on display.

Bummer.

Will I ever have sex again?

All indications point to no.

Though I didn't have to go to bed alone. Once again Miss Contradiction and I passed out next to each other.

Sometimes I think it would be easier just to become lesbians.

To Blog Or Not To Blog

The blog is not a dating service. It is a place to complain about things and generally be a pain in the butt to society.

The lameness of the whole 'let's chat people up on the internet' business bothers me.

I'm considering an early retirement unless all the lameness stops.

That is all.