Blind Item

I am going to try my hand at writing a ‘guess who don’t sue’-style gossip snippet. Here goes…

Which proud new father was stoned at the birth of his child (at 9am on a Tuesday morning) and celebrated that night by getting off his face on ice at the family home of his ancient baby mamma? Rumour also has it that his drug dealer is making house calls during the three weeks of paternity leave.

PUT YOUR GUESSES HERE!!

Pushing Andrew To The Edge

Quick question: how many times do you think I can be rude to Andrew before he finally snaps and has a go at me?

It's become a bit of a game, waiting to see if it happens or not.

I Am Sick Of Facebook Already

Well, it's only been two weeks since I joined and already I am regretting the day I ever heard about Facebook (2.5 weeks ago).

It's become a magnet for knobheads from high school to stalk me and act like we should be friends now.

HELLO, I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO TALK TO YOU AT HIGH SCHOOL, WHY WOULD I WANT TO TALK TO YOU A DECADE LATER ON THE INTERNET?? THAT IS WHY I ACCIDENTALLY 'LOST' ALL YOUR PHONE NUMBERS AND FORGOT YOUR SURNAMES AFTER YEAR 12. BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO KNOW YOU!! DUH

The only person from high school I have kept in touch with is Naroomina because most of the rest of them suck. And now they're all fat and married and have ugly babies. Yuck.

I am so not going to our reunion in October. It's at a bowling club on a Sunday afternoon, for God's sake. Fuck that.

Stupid twee North Sydney Girls.

BREAKING NEWS!!!

Jason has been nominated for the Father of the Year Award.

More details as they come to hand!!

SIGN THE PETITION TO REINSTATE PETE AT THE PUB!!

Click this link to view and sign the petition!!

Email the link to everyone you know! We must have him back!

When Will Pete Be Allowed Back Into The Hole?

Having spent some quality time stalking chatting with Pete at the Oaks the last few Friday nights, it has dawned upon me that it is HIGH TIME HE WAS ALLOWED BACK INTO THE HOLE.

After all, several other people who received lifetime bans have since been allowed back in. Why not Pete?

The place is dying a slow painful death, let's see if Pete can inject some life back into the old girl!

I have the utmost confidence in his abilities.

TOOTHLESS PETE

What Am I Plotting?

Best answer wins a prize.

Guess what the prize is?

Nobody Puts Jason In A Corner

Jason called the child Jennifer.

Jennifer Gray, eh?

Nobody will be putting that baby in a corner.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!

Move over Daniel Craig.

After watching The 300 last night, Gerard Butler (who plays Leonidas King of the Spartans) is my new celebrity boyfriend.

I literally had to wipe up the drool off my chin after two hours of watching Gerard prance around in leather underpants and not much else.

Actually I found him even more attractive in the special features at the end, wearing a t-shirt and jeans and larking around with his sword.

So hot. That body. Drool.

Well, Daniel Craig can still be my second-in-command celebrity boyfriend.

Why are there no men who look like either of these blokes at either the hole or the Oaks? Sigh.

Robbie Impersonator Reads This Site

Perhaps some of you may remember news of the fake Robbie from some months ago - a guy I thought was Robbie but it turns out I was actually just off my face and thought everyone was Robbie.

Here are some links if you need an update on the story:

Robbie's MySpace
Robbie Is Very Learned
Robbie Is Such A Prankster
Keep Pranking Robbie
Stalking Update

It turns out that the Robbie impersonator (who in retrospect looks nothing like Robbie) reads this site.

FUNNY, HUH?

EXCLUSIVE: Facebook Is The New Black

I may never need this blog again. Apparently there are more cyber shenanigans than you can poke a stick at over at Facebook!

Will you miss us if we stop writing stuff on this blog?

Babies 'v' Louboutins

It has just occured to me, as I looked down admiringly at my delicious new pair of Christian Louboutin black pumps, that I recieved them on the same day as Jason's baby was born.

I think my love affair with my shoes will last a lot longer than Jason's interest in the baby.

Do we have any idea what this childs name is? Or do we need another poll?

I vote for Pandara.

Happy Doomsday, Mankind!

Yes ladies and gentlemen, Doomsday is upon us.

Today is the day that Jason ‘Jerk Face’ Gray becomes a daddy as they are inducing his elderly sugar mumma’s labour/giving her a C-section/whatever the hell it is they do to make a woman give birth on a certain date.

I found this out as Bad Smell texted me to tell me he was ‘nervice’ about the delivery (I assume he means nervous) as he was going to be there because Jason was too scared to go on his own.

I am guessing it’s more likely that Jason has no intention of showing up and needs someone to drive grandma home from the hospital after the birth.

To celebrate the birth of the Antichrist, I’d like to dedicate this poem, ‘The Second Coming’ by WB Yeats. Appropriately it’s about the birth of the Antichrist. I’ve highlighted the relevant passages.

Please note that I bear this child no ill-will. I just think Jason should have been neutered at birth. And I really like this poem.

THE SECOND COMING
Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all convictions, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.

Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: a waste of desert sand;
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Wind shadows of the indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

Jason is Confused by the Term Womaniser

"Noun
1.
womaniser - a man who likes many women and has short sexual relationships with them
philanderer, womanizer
Casanova - any man noted for his amorous adventures
Don Juan - any successful womanizer (after the legendary profligate Spanish nobleman)
debauchee, libertine, rounder - a dissolute person; usually a man who is morally unrestrained
Lothario - a successful womanizer (after a fictional seducer)
adult male, man - an adult male person (as opposed to a woman); "there were two women and six men on the bus"
masher, skirt chaser, woman chaser, wolf - a man who is aggressive in making amorous advances to women"

Yes Jason did his random attempt to get me in to bed again, you know by abusing me and calling me stupid.

The next day I told him he has deep seated issues with women he should address for the sake of his daughter.

He replied that he has no problem, he loves women.

NO JASON, RUNNING AROUND LIKE A DOG ON HEAT EMBARKING ON ONE MEANINGLESS ONE NIGHT STAND AFTER ANOTHER MEANS YOU ARE A WOMANSIER, TOTALLY DIFFERENT TO LOVING WOMEN YOU RETARD.

Ok, I have finished ranting in capital letters now.

Media Release: The Cremorne Hotel Has Jumped The Shark

We stumbled into the Cremorne Hotel - also known in some circles as ‘the megahole’ - in the early hours of Saturday morning to find the place as dead as a dodo.

Yes, as predicted, the new no-smoking laws have killed the place. I cannot conceivably see it returning to its former glory at any time in the near future.

We now officially have no reason to frequent the hole.

In other news, Jason is still an over-sexed loser – but it’s Miss Contradiction’s story, so I’ll let her tell it.

It’s very hard for one to respect a person who has no control over their baser instincts, mais oui?

The Infamous Red Room Dream Sequence From Twin Peaks

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gMXjjHFz__A

Is the YouTube link, if anyone is interested.

Miss Contradiction and I plan to cloister ourselves away and watch the remainder of series 2 on Sunday whilst getting drunk.

Yes, we do lead very exciting lives!!

Cat Intervention

Several months ago Miss Contradiction and myself were planning a cat intervention for my ex-boyfriend, or ‘Bad Smell’ as he is known on this blog.

It all started around Easter when we found out that he had stolen a two-week-old kitten from her mother (actually the mother rejected the litter, but that is by-the-by). The cat was tiny and kept getting lost underneath the piles of crap that Bad Smell is cultivating in his apartment. It looks something like the cat pictured here. Also the cat was not vaccinated and was not having mother’s milk to help its immune system – with hygienically challenged people such as Jason spending time with Estelle (her name), she was heading for some serious illnesses.

And seeing as Bad Smell can’t even look after himself, let alone a cat, we were extremely worried for its wellbeing.

So we were planning a cat intervention. The idea was to get together Bad Smell's friends and family (ie Jason and Bad Smell’s psychotic sister, whose hobbies include randomly punching walls and refusing to take her anti-psych medication) and to spring out at him when he came home from work one day, expressing our concerns for the cat. I know what happens at interventions because I saw it on an episode of Beverly Hills 90210 once.

However this plan never came to fruition as we realised that Jason and the psycho sister would just be there for the free beer and wouldn’t really give two hoots what happened to the cat.

Lately I have been worried about the cat. I want to know if it’s still alive. What should we do?

Watch Out Jason!!

Operation Milstead is coming to get you and your goblin!!

Favourite Kelvsisms

Courtesy of my 80-year-old father:

“I’ll come down on you like a tonne of hot bricks”
“I’ll boot you into the middle of next week”
“I’ll put him down the bottom of a well”
“I’m as crook as Rookwood”
“It was as funny as a circus”
“He was so ugly, he looked like he could haunt houses”
“Your Majesty” (said when addressing a magistrate in local court)
“I was doing my arse then I put $3000 on the thing and was in front”
“Craig Wing is a f$%^&*(“

ADD YOURS HERE

No One Will Come To Junee With Me!

I have set my heart on going away for a long weekend to Junee so I can hang out at Monte Cristo, ‘Australia’s most haunted house’.

Except no one will go with me!!

Perhaps Jason might escort me.

Or his pet goblin.

It’s too bad I have so few friends.

Perhaps Miss Contradiction will come if I tell her Junee also houses a chocolate/licorice factory.

Is Moll Flanders A Smacky?

I heard a rumour on Friday night that Moll Flanders is, in fact, a smacky.

Miss Contradiction seems to think this is impossible because Moll is a yoga instructor.

Personally I see no reason why someone can’t be both a yoga instructor and a smacky.

It certainly would explain some of her very bizarre behaviour.

All the more reason to sleep with her ladies and gentlemen, I say!!

This Is Scottish Dave's Personal Website

www.hotelmosman.com.au

He loves to hang out there, sipping his la-di-da cocktails and threatening passers-by with grevious bodily harm.

Mainly because he has been banned for life from every other drinking establishment between Hornsby and Palm Beach.

WE LOVE YOU SCOTTISH DAVE!!

This Is Miss Contradiction's Personal Website

www.buenavistahotel.com.au

She loves hanging out at the Buena... mostly because of a certain ex-barmaid with whom she does breakfast every Saturday morning!!

Now Here's How A Pub Website SHOULD Look!!

Click here

See! It's not that hard!!

P.S. I only bag out the pub so much because I love it.

Welcome To Amateur Hour At The Cremorne Hotel

WHO THE FUCK IS RESPONSIBLE FOR DESIGNING THE HOTEL CREMORNE WEBSITE?? As I would like to hunt them down and remove from them any website design credentials they might have.

Though that seems fairly unlikely as the site is SO DAMN AMATEURISH IT HURTS.

I could design a site better than that and my web design skills are limited, at best.

For fuck's sake, if you are going to spend $2M renovating a shithouse nightclub that no one even goes to anymore couldn't you at least spend $10K outsourcing your website design to a proper company??

I mean the internet is the way of the future, after all. All the young go-getters have internet these days.

Take this page for example http://www.hotelcremorne.com.au/index.html It's just a page with images on it that aren't even aligned or sized properly. It is so ugly it makes me not want to go to the pub.

I hate this website so much. In fact it makes me ANGRY IN ITS INCOMPETENCE!!

SHDRUITHRDUHDTUBHG0493557T6Y347T3268021EJD$$&$%^

I am never going to drink at this pub AGAIN!

Welcome To Haiku Thursday

We will be accepting Haiku submissions this afternoon on the blog.

Here's one that Miss Contradiction prepared earlier:

Jason likes his ice
That he smokes through an ice pipe
In the parking lot

Now I must scurry away to write a Haiku myself... back soon...

I like Big Boats

In other news that doesn't concern either the hole or Jason, the USS Kitty Hawk is coming into Sydney Harbour in about half an hour bringing 7000 US Soldiers.

I know Town Bike think my fascination with big boats is somewhat pedestrian, but I don't really care, I'm excited!

Mind you this may be due to the fact that I lead an incredibly boring life most of the time.....

Moll Flanders - Episode 1

Well, well, well. If we don't have a new slapper on the scene at the Cremorne Hotel, we will call her Moll Flanders, although I do believe that may be giving her too much credit.

Now Moll has been on the scene now for a few months and I had already heard of some of her antics but was yet to meet her in full living colour.

She was out in full force on Saturday afternoon, taking any opportunity to bare all by asking one of her *ahem* conquests if he thought she was too skinny. This obviously required her to lift her top up and do a 360 so everyone could ponder whether she had in fact lost weight. Possibly she thought this may not have been obvious in the size 10 childrens t-shirt she was wearing.

Miss Penelope filled me in on the antics of Sunday afternoon, where Moll was big-hearted enough to offer Miss Penelope a girl on girl good time...bless her. Miss Penelope declined.

Although my favourite Moll Flanders tale involves her bedding one bloke in one bedroom, getting up and walking into the flamates room and bedding him directly after. One wonders whether she had the chance to at least wash her nether bits in between.......eeeuuuuughhhhhhh!!!

Slaphorn could be a vestal virgin in comparison to this little number.

Coming Soon To A Blog Near You...

Jason's New TV Series: 'Twin Pipes'

WHO KILLED JASON GRAY?

As we would like to hunt them down and shake their hands.

Happy Birthday Jason, Love Panda

Well it was Miss Contradiction’s birthday yesterday and we undertook a fairly hefty 13-hour bender on Saturday night to celebrate (hole, Peppercorn, Miss Contradiction's house, Oaks, Miss Contradiction's house, hole). I didn't pick up unfortunately, despite my best efforts.

We were supposed to go to Canada Day yesterday but as we both woke up a bit dusty we decided to stay home and watch Twin Peaks instead, after breakfasting on pasta and quiche. I supervised while Miss Contradiction cooked.

It was also a day of many random text messages sent to all and sundry, including messages to various people saying “Happy birthday Panda, love Jason” and “Can you please drop some ice over in the mail box” and an all-time corker “Can you please drop a Marilyna’s pizza over, you can put it under the door, as well as a hat and a turtle” (actually I think I sent that one to everyone in my phone).

God we are so funny sometimes.

PS The hole is still boring and full of losers.