Nautica Climbs The Ranks

Up until now Nautica has probably only been in the top five of losers we know. Like, he's a loser, but we know two or three people (ie Malcolm and Jason) who are much worse.

Look I can't be bothered explaining the history between myself and Nautica again. Suffice to say that I'm not a fan. Follow the links on Nautica to get a backgrounder. Anyone who drank at the hole three-to-five years ago will be familiar with Nautica's work. Speaking of three-to-five... why isn't Nautica doing that for fraud yet?

Anyway, Nautica the raging closeted 'mo pretty much entered the top echelon of losers yesterday. Like, the Pantheon of losers where all the losers who rule over the other losers live. We were at the Orchard Tavern in Chatswood at lunchtime prepping ourselves for Deryk's funeral with a few drinks. I'm not going to talk about Deryk's funeral because... I'm just not. Anyway. Orchard Tavern. Suddenly Bad Smell alerted me to the fact that Nautica was sitting over the way in some really ugly red long-sleeved polo shirt doing his best Pennywise "the evil clown from Stephen King's IT" impersonation. The last cringeworthy "sexy" message I got from him was probably about two months ago. HE WAS WEARING A WEDDING RING!!! As if being married isn't bad enough, can you imagine being married to that simpering fruitcake!!!

God, there is NOTHING more unattractive than a married man who hits on other women. Nautica should just get back in the drain with Pennywise where he belongs.

P.S. I am turning into a raging alcoholic since I stopped smoking (three weeks ago). Like drinking to overcompensate. I'm also anticipating that I'll put on about 10kgs. Come and get it while it's hot fellas!!!!

Breaking News: I'm Hideous When I'm Drunk

Naroomina and I were lurking around the hole last night blind drunk. And I mean really really drunk. And guess what. We saw the REAL Robbie. And guess what again. He's actually kind of hot. We both agreed. He was stamping wrists on the door at SoBar.

When I saw that he's hot, naturally I had to go up and make an absolute dick of myself. I told him he's on my Facebook page and then told him my name like he was supposed to know me. He looked at me blankly. Probably because he has like 60 million Facebook friends. I have 68. Then my shoe fell off. I said something about his dentist and walked away. Okay I didn't say it, it was more like a slur.

Then I stumbled home and passed out.

P.S. Derek passed away from lung cancer early Friday morning. Hole regulars may know Derek as the middle-aged man in the yellow 2nds World shirt who practically lived at the hole weekdays after work. It's sad. Derek was a sweetie. Bad Smell is devastated as they were very close.

Newsflash: This Saturday To Be Perfect Shallows / Drinking Weather

Forecast to be approximately 30 degrees, this Saturday will be the perfect day for sitting in the shallows at Balmoral splashing around like little kids and getting drunk. Discuss.

Everything Happens on the 8th of January

1. Elvis Presley's birthday

2. My Uncle's birthday

3. 2007 Miss Contradiction gave up smoking

4. 2008 Miss Contradiction gave up Jason.

Yes kids, you heard right...I have officially given up Jason. He is a direct health hazard and if I go there again, I will go to the pub dressed in the outfit above.

Jason Sucks: Applicants Wanted

As it has now been decided that Jason is no longer funny, he has now lost his job as our verbal punching bag and butt of all jokes.

We need someone new to make fun of and generally obsess over. Any offers?

P.S. I was at the hole last night and can't remember leaving, or getting home, can anyone offer any clues? I vaguely remember ranting at someone about something but for the life of me can't fill in the blanks.

I love a good rant whilst drunk.

An Updated List Of Things That Suck

* Sharing one's bed with another person
* The Megahole
* New Year's Eve
* Bitchy drag queens
* People who think bitchy drag queens are really funny and cool
* Holidays
* Work
* The losers at The Oaks

I am going to run away to Lithuania soon.