I Love Emo Kids

Defacing Photos Is My New Hobby

I'm Bored

So THAT'S Where The Name Came From!

I knew I'd heard the name Sobar before and it was bugging me.

Sobar was in fact a NZ horse that won the Caulfield Cup in 1972.

For all those who aren't in the know, the Caulfield Cup is a 2400m race that occurs a couple of weeks before the Melbourne Cup and is considered the best form guide for the Cup itself.

True story.

So... let me think about it. Sobar "the horse" rather than Sobar "stupid pun on sobriety".

Nope. Still not funny.

Four Days To Go!

Quick reminder to all that it's my birthday on Saturday.

An afternoon of civilised behaviour at high tea followed by an uncivilised night of drinking.

Can't wait to crack open the lychee vodka I've been distilling in my own honour.

As you were.

P.S. My stars for this weekend say I'm going to hook up with a Virgo bloke. God I hope not. Virgos and their rampant anal perfectionism get right up my nose.

I DO have to pick up though. It's expected on one's birthday.

Blog

I can confirm that Miss Contradiction and I did indeed have a drink with Andrew on Friday night.

Before you ask, he's not as desperate in person as he is on the interdork.

That is all.

I HATE YOU NAUTICA!!!

Well it seems that a certain malignant tumour known by Miss Contradiction and I as 'Nautica' has attempted to sleaze his way back into my life.

Who is Nautica you ask. Well I'll tell you. Nautica is a repulsive dickhead who used to run the pool competition for the hole a few years ago. Eventually it was discovered that he was ripping off the pool comp to fund his raging speed habit. He was subsequently banned, for life we thought, but apparently that's not the case.

You see I have my own issues with Nautica beyond the pool comp debacle. Five or so years ago he decided to randomly boast to all and sundry that I had sex with him in the toilets. EWWWWWWW. As if I would touch his diseased carcass with a 10-foot pole.

Anyway eventually Miss Contradiction and I had a massive fight with him one Sunday afternoon a few years ago before he got banned and we all thought that was that.

But no. After I stumbled home to pass out on Friday night after a drinking session I got the following message on my phone from an unknown number:

"Hi, saw you at the hole tonight, looking good! Hope you had a good night, call me."

I wrote back who the fuck is this and eventually it transpired it was NAUTICA. How the hell he got my phone number I'm not sure, nor am I sure why he's started stalking me out of the blue years down the track (particularly as we've never been on good terms). Anyway he has been spamming me with 'sexy' messages all weekend and generally embarrassing himself.

NAUTICA IF YOU ARE READING THIS I HATE YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU STAND FOR AND NO I WILL NOT GO FOR A DRINK WITH YOU!!

I REITERATE... I HATE YOU!!!!

Describe Yourself In Five Words

I think we should all do it, not just Andrew.

I'll start.

Hmmmm.

Give me 5 minutes.

Quick Note For Andrew

Stop hitting on everything with a (cyber) pulse and you'll be fine.

At the moment, you reek of (cyber) desperation.

What is this obsession with meeting people off the interdork. Who does that. It's hard enough sorting the wheat from the chaff in the real world.

A Mulatto, An Albino, A Mosquito, My Libido (Or: Our Adventures At RPM Class)

This morning Miss Contradiction joined me at my bi-weekly RPM (also known as Spin) class at Fitness First.

I think she quite enjoyed it. If the words 'why are you doing this to me' are any indication.

They did play a lovely remixed version of Nirvana's 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' (hence the title of this post) for the last 'hill climb'. Mmmmmmm. Sacriligeous.

Who Gives A Fuck?

Not me.

Honestly. It's just a boat, but a bit bigger.

Australians are like magpies sometimes.

SURELY THERE IS SOMETHING MORE NEWSWORTHY THAN THIS STUPID BOAT??

DID IT MAKE HEADLINES WHEN I WENT ON THE FAIRSTAR WITH MY FAMILY?? NO, I THINK NOT.

GET OVER IT!!

Soulmate Update

If you recall this post from December last year, you'll remember that a psychic at a boozy work function told me that I'd be in a relationship with my soulmate by June.

I note that it's now nearly March and am yet to meet my soulmate.

At least now we can add Will to the list of contenders (actually he's the only one on the list of contenders).

Agony Aunts Pt IV

Time to have all your questions answered by the blog gang again.

Question us about love, life, the universe, anything and we promise to make something up to make you feel better.

We may even reveal our top secret identities if you ask nicely (or we may lie, who knows).

All sexual propositions should go here to.

Love,
Town Bike

Weekend Wrap Up

Well it certainly was another fun weekend (and by fun, I mean drunken).

It all started when Miss Contradiction and I started drinking at the spiritual home on Friday afternoon. Somehow several hours magically passed and we were at the Blues Point Hotel, we haven't been there since they've reopened it after the fire. We were leering drunkenly at strangers and I started reminiscing about the time I had a bad Crohn's Disease episode in the toilets three or so years ago (not a pretty story).

Eventually one of our many nemesises put in a surprise appearance (let's call him Missingham because that's his name) so we made a hasty exit back to the spiritual hole.

Once again several hours magically passed and all of a sudden Naroomina loomed up. Miss Contradiction decided to desert us for 'someone who shall remain nameless' so we ended up stumbling around until the early hours stalking Will. I tried to woo him unsuccessfully by showing him an old video card of my parents I keep in my wallet (don't ask). Naroomina was mainly starstruck and felt like she was living in the pages of a Dolly magazine circa 1998.

We also had another brush with fame of sorts. Some bald Irish guy tried to chat us up when we were lurking downstairs and claimed to be the brother of some guy who won Australian Idol last year. My first response was "Who?" because I don't watch the show. Then when I realised who he was talking about I said that I hated his brother and he was an awful singer. Amazingly the guy kept standing there like we owed him something. I owe him nothing, I don't vote for that stupid show and even if I did it wouldn't be for the bald Irish guy whose name I don't know.

Saturday night Miss Contradiciton piked so Naroomina and I headed into the Cross for a change of scene. We ended up at the Bourbon where we got chatted up by an 18 year old whose opening line was 'how old are you ladies' then 'where do you live' followed by 'I'm not trying to get into your pants'. Smooth.

We headed back to the spiritual home for some more Will stalking but unfortunately he was in the piano bar and as we both hate the piano bar (or the dry cleaners as I like to call it, as it's the best place to pick up a suit) there was not much stalking to be had. As there were no other minor celebrities on hand to stalk and harass we decided to call it a night and head home.

The end.

Spot The H-List Celeb

So has anyone else noticed the former H-list celebrity now working at the hole?

I am very tempted to call him Will and see what he does.

Naroomina and I were stalking him last night and giggling like schoolgirls.

I am making it my mission to sleep with him. Now that I'm single I need a few high-profile notches on my bedpost.

That is all.

SINKY

What is it with cats in sinks?

I have a grand plan to put my cat and Miss Contradiction's cat layered in a sink together to make a sinky pie.

I LOVE CATS IN SINKS

http://www.catsinsinks.com

Drinking

Must do some ASAP

DRRRINNNNNKKKING

Crystal Ball

I just heard an ad on the radio for a cosmetic dentist where the woman said she fell over when she was drunk at the races and knocked her teeth out and had to get them replaced.

It's like the ad producer was looking into a crystal ball and predicting my future because that sounds like something that could very possibly happen to me (what with my family being races fanatics and me being a big drinker with balance issues).

And yes the ad was completely serious.

Best radio ad ever.

Cremorne Hotel Valentine Competition

Did any one get the SMS from the Cremorne hotel about getting a free drink if they complete the following:

Roses are Red, Violets are pink.......

Yeah. Ok. A free drink.

What about

Roses are Red, Violets are pink.......
Bring back the Hole
the new management stink

Wise Words

Boy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "Not tonight thanks"
Boy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"

Just sayin', is all.

Hee.

SoSoBar Update

This is the flyer Miss Contradiction wanted me to post. I had to play around with it in PhotoShop to get it ready for the web. I don't know where she got it from but she wanted me to point out that it has no actual useful information for anyone planning a function and instead is filled with pictures of an empty bar.

I am a wee bit confused over the 'north sure thing' tagline. I'm sure (shore?) I've seen it as 'lower north shore thing' on some posters. Which one is it supposed to be? Does anyone else find this tagline mildly confusing? And why can't they just pick a spelling and stick with it?

It's like on the Simpsons in that episode when Homer is in a barbershop quartet. They're trying to think of a name for it and someone says 'it should be something that's funny the first time, but gets less funny every time you hear it after that'. So they call the group the Be Sharps.

Yeah it's like that except 'lower north shore/sure thing' wasn't even funny the first time I heard it. So substitute 'funny the first time, but gets less funny every time you hear it after that' for 'lame the first time, and lamer every time you hear it after that' and you're just about there.

New Stalking Adventures

Today I succesfully stalked a rather delectable pair of red stiletto's. Not the ones pictured mind you, that's just some random shoe from Google more suited to some skanky ho.

I have had my eye on these scrumptious examples of female footware for sometime but was unwilling to pay full price.

Today, my dear bloggers, after 3 weeks of waiting and stalking patiently, the price was reduced to a more reasonable amount. The joy and elation I felt was akin to some of the more memorable sexual encounters I have had in the (now distant) past.

I mst pick up this weekend otherwise I am certain to become a destitute shoe addict.

In other news, the hole is still a hole. But then we all knew that didn't we...

I Broke Up With Fuckwit Last Night When I Was Drunk

Seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeya later

Time for me to go on a destructive drinking/sex binge.

New Poll

I am so sick of seeing Miss Contradiction voting for Jason's spiritual home in the old poll just to annoy me so I've changed it.

For me it was a close call between Duromine and Stilnox. But I went Duromine because I am a vain bitch.

I've tried all these prescription drugs at one time or another and often all at the same time.

I love prescription drugs. God bless my ability to lie to doctors.

Live Blogging Tonight

Exciting news for you all.

Tonight Miss Contradiction will be doing LIVE BLOGGING on our drinking binge.

Courtesy of a new gadget I scammed from work.

I doubt anyone will be reading it but it will be funny for us.

Vale Anna Nicole Smith

I am very sad that she's dead.

I've been a closet Anna Nicole appreciator for many years. I loved the fact that she was so trashy and didn't care, kind of in the same way I secretly find Britney, Mariah, Pamela Anderson and Courtney Love amusing.

I also found the Trimspa ads on Foxtel vaguely fascinating and disturbing at the same time and I loved her drunken effort at that awards show a while back.

Speaking of Courtney Love, I always thought Anna Nicole would outlive her.

I know the 'celebrity death pool' is rather morbid, but it's also kind of intriguing to name the next celebs to go. My picks are:

* Pete Doherty
* Kate Moss (I think they'll die together in some sort of accident/overdose a la Sid and Nancy)
* Nicole Ritchie
* Courtney Love
* Pamela Anderson

ZING!

Check out this awesome email I sent to the tool in the gingham shirt from Saturday night at the hole. He gave us a business card for his band (honestly, what kind of a band has a business card?) so hopefully some of his bandmates will see it as well. HA HA HA!

Subject: Important message for (MR BEAN)

My name's (Town Bike). You might remember me from such events as you trying to sleaze onto myself and my friend on Saturday night.

Just an email to let you know that it's time for you to call off your dog. Someone purporting to be your 'girlfriend' has been calling me constantly and leaving threatening messages on my voicemail. I have tried to ignore this ridiculous situation as I have my own life and my own boyfriend but clearly she has mental issues so this is her last warning.

Now neither me nor my friend are interested in you or your little domestic squabbles with this nutcase. I would appreciate if the phonecalls would stop ASAP or else I'll be taking action as follows:

1. The next time she calls, I will answer the phone and tell her exactly what happened - ie you trying to hit on me, then my friend, telling us you were recently single, asking us to go for a swim, asking us both to kiss you, then following us home when we turned you down and having to be sent home while standing on a street corner.

2. The next step I will take is to call her bosses at work. She obviously isn't the brightest crayon in the box because she was enough of a nitwit to call me from her work phone several times and leave nasty messages (which incidentally I have saved). Me being a fair bit brighter than her, I called the number back and bingo! I know where she works.

Now here's the funny bit. In case you don't remember from Saturday (which you obviously don't), I WORK IN THE SAME INDUSTRY AS HER AND HAVE DEALINGS WITH HER COMPANY, (INSERT NAME OF COMPANY HERE)! What a fortunate coincidence for me. Not so much for her, as I know her bosses and if she calls again I will be calling them to report what's been going on from their work phones. And she was stupid enough to leave her name on my voicemail.

Employers don't take kindly to people using their phones to harass other people in the industry so chances are her job will be in jeopardy. I suggest you tell her to lose my number immediately. Even if you really have broken up I'm sure you don't want her to lose her job.

3. If the harassment continues, I will be going to the police. Just to reiterate, I have no interest in being dragged into your domestic squabbles so I suggest she stops calling me ASAP.

By the way, neither of us were in the least bit interested in you or your sleazy mate. As you can see we are clearly the innocent parties here as even though you kissed my friend you did portray yourself to be single.

Sorry if this is overly nasty but I've had enough of this and am ready to take action. Calling me continuously when I'm at work has pushed me to this point. If you could pass this message onto her it would be appreciated.

Okay have a nice life and call off your dog,
(Town Bike)

WHO IS IT??

Who keeps voting for Good Guys Alexandria as being a suitable place to meet eligible bachelors??

STOP IT!!

There are no eligible bachelors there, just weird people including Jason, Bad Smell and the ice dealer whose name I don't know!!

I Lurvvvvve Valium

Well I've just been to the dentist to have two wisdom teeth removed and having been fed two valiums I'm feeling a bit hazy.

In fact I probably shouldn't be at work or operating heavy machinery.

Is it true you shouldn't drink for 24 hours after wisdom tooth extraction, because I could go a few drinks.

Also I want to buy a new dress for a birthday but I need to lose 5kg first.

I really need a lie down.

Robbie Is Very Learned

Now as Miss Contradiction pointed out, Robbie has for some reason or other put a quote from Romeo and Juliet on his MySpace blog. And I quote:

"Hey Im Robbie, I live in Sydney Australia... From ancient grudge break to new mutiny, Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean"

Okaaaaaaay. I mean I'm all for Shakespeare, I was forced to study his works extensively at school/uni, but doesn't that seem a little out of place on a webpage that is otherwise devoted to 'dirty funken beats' and group pictures in the SoSoBar?

And why the hell did he choose that quote? Does he actually know what it means? It's basically saying two families hate each other. Is there something Robbie needs to get off his chest?

To celebrate literacy week, I'm changing the quote on this site to one of my favourite ever Shakespeare lines. Points to anyone who can name the play and the meaning.

So So Rock Bands

Town Bike and I were lucky enough to have a brush with fame on Saturday night. Not that I have much recollection of it as I was completely off chops.

Yes we got talking to a lead singer in a band!!! I will call him Mr Bean (MB). APPARENTLY what transpired went something like this, MB was trying to get into Town Bikes pants, then she ran off to have half a cigarette because she thinks I won't notice. Actually she could have done a strip tease whilst smoking a cigar and I probably wouldn't have noticed....however I digress.

Town Bike comes back to find me chatting to him...God knows what about. At some stage I end up pashing him. Now I know he was originally after Town Bike but she technically has a boyfriend and now that I don't smoke I obviously needed something to do with my mouth.

He invited us to go to his 'gig' next week at one of those trendy places that is nothing like our spiritual home. Town Bike sms'd him our blog address (so if you're reading this you know who you are) and 24 hours later gets a voice message from MB's phone, although it was actually a woman demanding to know who's number it is. Then another message presumably from MB asking who's number it is.

Did I mention he was spinning some sob story about breaking up with his girlfriend? No, I don't think I did. I get the distinct impression she might not be aware of it. Why are men so bloody stupid. GIVE OUT A FAKE NUMBER OR SOMETHING....it's not rocket science for crying out loud.

Actually, he was pretty cute. If you are reading this, you can contact me on 0419 317 446.

Mwuuahhh xx

Jason? Is That You?

I found this picture of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde on the internet and for some reason it reminded me of Jason.

I wonder why? Could it be an ice-related thing? Jason DOES have approximately the same level if dental hygiene as the guy on the right (me peeing on his toothbrush was possibly the cleanest thing he's ever put into his mouth).


This is possibly the funniest picture I've ever seen.

The New Black

I think lesbianism may well be the new black

HELP

I need a new man - STAT.

I think we should go out on the prowl this weekend.

I saw too many fine-looking specimens on Saturday night to remain in this state of comatose inertia for much longer. It seems like a waste.

Though perhaps it had something to do with the excessive amounts of alcohol I had consumed by 5am - I'm pretty sure I had my vodka goggles on.

C'est la vie - I still want a new man.

No Robbie, I Will Not Sleep With You

Well Miss Contradiction and I embarked on the bender to end all benders last night.

We met Miss Penelope at the Lenin Bar for a couple (AKA 100) of drinks then headed back to our spiritual home.

We managed to stay until closing time and - oh yes, I have had a week of celebrity sightings indeed.

WE SAW ROBBIE (click for more info). Yes he of the man foundation and hair straighteners.

When I pointed him out to Miss Contradiction, she proceeded to yell out to him and tell him that we 'love his work'. And we made mysterious keyboard typing signals at him.

But that wasn't enough for me. Yes, I decided to ensconce myself in a booth with Robbie and his friends and - don't be jealous - I think he was trying to hit on me.

At any rate he asked me to go for a swim with him and I was like yeah SURE Robbie. But I couldn't just say I didn't want to go for a swim with him. Oh no, I had to tell a complete lie and say I had my period. Which I didn't. And then go into graphic detail about my imaginary period and tell him it would be like a scene from Jaws. Not surprisingly, he left not long after that.

Good ol' Robbie.

In other news, I have never been less sexually attracted to Bad Smell in my life and would really like to hop into bed with someone else. I think I have the potential to become a big ol' slut in my old age. What's up with that?

However in all my desperate hormonal glory I still wouldn't sleep with Robbie. I respect our friendship too much.

I've forgotten how to pick up after 2.5 years out of the game. Anyone have any tips?

Dead Possum Shenanigans

I must say that the story of someone throwing a dead possum at the bouncers at the Megahole is possibly the most awesome thing I've ever heard.

Disgusting... yes. Potentially dangerous for your health... most definitely.

But so so funny. If you're going down, you may as well go in style.

No one will ever be able to top that.

Best Ways To Get Yourself Banned

* Throw a dead possum at bouncers
* Turn bouncers down for a date and/or be the boyfriend of someone who turned a bouncer down for a date
* Own a website chat thingy that speaks ill of the pub
* Get caught on camera doing business
* Have an expired visa (also a good way to get deported)

Add yours here.