Photoshop Is The New Black

I noticed with some amusement that, despite the very basic layout of the hole's website (and I am being kind by saying 'basic', in reality I mean 'juvenile'), someone on staff has some pretty advanced Photoshop skills.

Case in point - last time I checked, the Antler Bar didn't look anything like this:

Here's my interpretation of what the Antler Bar looks like after 50 bottles of champagne:

That Antler can be quite scary when you're off your face.

When I Grow Up, I Want To Be...

* A gangster moll
* A female body builder
* A male body builder
* The town drunk
* An old slapper who sits at the hole at age 60 with a glass of chardy and a ciggy hanging out of her mouth
* In jail for Jason's murder
* Not in jail for Jason's murder (but Jason is still dead)
* The town bike
* The owner of a blog who writes nasty things about people on the internet
* Canada's drug bitch
* A cat
* A red paperclip
* Dead

ADD YOURS HERE

Badge Draw Update

Well, once again neither myself or any locals won the badge draw.

I think this can be attributed to the fact they have given out over 500 badges - I think even my cat and Pete the stalker have one, and the fact that a large proportion of the patrons are banned.

This greatly reduces the chance of anyone winning the bloody thing.

Uncle Pete did a celebrity stint and picked the second draw. This was a highlight.

No word on how the 'Mo-vember' promo went.

I am imagining it went dismally.

Can anyone enlighten us?

No pics today kids - blog is playing up.

Watch this space....

DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!

GOD DAMN IT!!!!

Bloody hell - Bad Smell wants to come over for a 'quiet night' on Saturday to 'talk over things and see if we can work it out'.

How many times do I have to tell you - NO!! WE CAN'T WORK IT OUT!! I DON'T WANT TO WORK IT OUT!! AND WE DEFINITELY CAN'T WORK IT OUT ON A SATURDAY NIGHT!!!

Saturday night is bitches' night and I was so planning on taking Miss Contradiction on a date to Hotel Mosman for ricotta and cheese cannelloni and several million bottles of champagne!!

GOD DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!

Badge Draw Ahoy

Well the badge draw has rolled around for another week.

I also received an SMS from the hole advising me that it is the official after party for something called 'movember' tonight (whatever the hell that is) and that anyone with a 'tash' gets $3 schooners between 11pm and 12am.

I love the way the hole goes all out like that. $1.20 off a schooner of beer?? BETTER CALL IN THE RIOT POLICE TO STOP THE STAMPEDE!!!!

I am thinking perhaps I will get a fake moustache from a fancy dress shop, or one of those Groucho Marx disguise kits (see below) and see if I can get $1.20 off my schooners (not that I even drink beer) for a total of ONE HOUR. Because that would be, like, SO WORTH IT!!

Not.

I could look as hot as this tool:

P.S. Do you reckon he's ever had sex?? I don't.

The View From My Balcony

Yes I have a view of the hole from my balcony.

Apologies for the small image - however every time I tried a bigger image the blog had a conniption and shut down.

Believe me you can quite clearly make out the 'Fun for all Players' sign.

Yes, I know this is quite sad, it was however, unintentional.

Miss Penelope also has a view of the hole. I am thinking this subliminal barrage on our subconcious minds that the hole is 'Fun for all Players' may be the reason I am unable to walk past the pub to my unit. Miss Penelope has the same problem.

It is quite obviously a hole, however I am still drawn to it. Do you think I could sue the pub for all the money I have spent as a result of this blatant brainwashing?

I am turning in to a rampant alcoholic.

Credit Where Credit's Due

I am not essentially a negative person. I only bag out fuckwits, arseclowns and reprobates - ie, those who deserve it.

So that's why I'm going to give the hole a bit of credit here.

I must say the jukebox is a little beauty. Miss Contradiction and myself have found some rare and random gems that no other pub in the world would think of having. These include:

* Buffalo Stance by Neneh Cherry
* Werewolves of London by Warren Zevon
* I've Got My Mind Set On You by George Harrison
* Drop The Pilot by Joan Armatrading
* We Didn't Start The Fire by Billy Joel
* Get Off by Prince

I also noticed with some pleasure over the course of the weekend that the jukebox even has Be Thankful For What You've Got by Massive Attack, which is of course in my TOP THREE favourite songs of all time. They even have it in the awesome extended mix, which goes for like 7 minutes. I am also rather fond of the film clip and was enjoying watching it in all its glory.

However I do think there is room for improvement. Several crackers from the old jukebox didn't make it to the new jukebox, including Batdance by Prince and I Touch Myself by The Divinyls. Both Miss C and myself are big fans of these two songs and would like them to be reinstated to the jukebox.

I also think there should be more mash-ups on the jukebox. There is only one on there at the moment: New Order "Blue Monday" vs Kylie Minogue "Can't Get You Out Of My Head". I would suggest these mashups be loaded for our collective listening pleasure:

* The Next City (which is The Next Episode by Snoop Dogg vs Paradise City by Guns and Roses)
* Bootystition (Bootylicious v Superstition by Stevie Wonder)
* Crazy Dick (Moby Dick by Led Zeppelin v Crazy In Love by Beyonce)
* And Drop It Like It's Hot by Snoop Dogg vs Voodoo Chile by Jimi Hendrix. I guess this one is probably called Hot Voodoo or Hot Chile or something.

And while we're at it, let's all hope that management doesn't revert to their plans from earlier this year, when they decided it would be a good idea to have a DJ in the pool hall. Except he wasn't a DJ, but some guy with his iPod hooked up to the jukebox with an A/V lead.

I have also been told that when you switch Bluetooth on in your phone, you can find the jukebox. I am unable to confirm this as my technological skills are limited at best, but soon the day will come when you will be able to hack into the jukebox via your mobile phone.

And speaking of credit where it's due, I would like to congratulate the Mosman Hotel on their outrageously tasty spinach and ricotta cannelloni. I wonder if the megahole cook realises that having a salad on your menu DOES NOT count as a vegetarian option. Many vegetarians don't even like salad - in fact I won't eat salad unless it has some sort of carbohydrate in it, such as pasta, potato or couscous, and a creamy sauce.

I like food.

Thank you for listening.

Throw 'Em All Down A Well

As Miss Contradiction mentioned in an earlier blog entry, we were quite shocked by the high population of losers at the hole on Saturday night (ourselves included).

A 50 year old guy with an annoying whistle shaped like a pair of lips, someone dressed up to look like Gilligan, many women who simply have no idea how to dress themselves: all were out in full force on Saturday night.

Back in the day you weren't allowed into the hole after 9pm in thongs and shorts, however the majority of the clientele appeared to be wearing these wardrobe staples (girls included).

WHEN WILL WOMEN LEARN THAT SHORTS DO NOT WORK AS EVENING WEAR?? JUST BECAUSE FERGIE FROM THE BLACK EYED PEAS WORE A PARTICULAR TREND, IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO!! AND FOR GOD'S SAKE, STICK TO ONE TREND AT ONCE!! IT'S NOT A COMPETITION TO SEE WHO CAN WEAR THE MOST TRENDS IN ONE OUTFIT!!!

But I digress. Anyway the long and the short of it is that we have learned that bouncers have been instructed to let anyone and everyone in due to declining attendance rates. A far cry from the good ol' days, when you could be kicked out at the drop of a hat (as I well know).

So it seems Miss Contradicition and I may have to take matters into our own hands. As we all know, my 80-year-old father (gambler extraordinaire and former western suburbs underworld from the 1970s) has a particular penchant for threatening to put people down the bottom of a well when they cause trouble.

He once threatened to put Jason down a well after he started stalking me for no reason, and ever since then we've been waiting to open the paper one day and see the headline 'EXTRA EXTRA: LOSER FOUND DOWN THE BOTTOM OF LOCAL WELL'. Or even 'ICE DEALER GRIEVES AS BEST CUSTOMER DIES IN TRAGIC WELL ACCIDENT'.

Or 'POKIE SHARE PRICES PLUMMET AS JASON GETS HIS COMEUPPANCE'.

I would like to move that anyone sporting a fashion crime outfit at the pub from now on be put down the bottom of a well. AND THAT INCLUDES FAT PEOPLE WHO INSIST ON WEARING HORIZONTAL STRIPES. HELLO??? IT MAKES YOU LOOK BIGGER... ARE YOU STUPID??

The well pictured above may have to be widened to accommodate some of the wider loads who are known to frequent the establishment.

The Antler

For readers not familiar with the Antler Bar, we have included a shot of said antler in all its majestic glory. Where in the hell did they find that thing?

The Antler Bar is a cocktail bar that is usually either closed or empty.

Town Bike and I believe the space could be better used as a sick bay, or perhaps Pete could live there.

Other suggestions??

Synopsis WE 26/11/06

Well, as you know Town Bike was a little under the weather on Friday night. I did indeed attend the Kylie concert and returned to find Town Bike and another friend of ours who I will call Miss Penelope for lack of anything better to call her, absolutely smashed playing pool on the rather odd relocated pool tables. We have since figured out that the rotation of the pool tables was a ploy to disguise the fact they have removed 4 of the tables. Another Megahole mystery – where did they go and why??? Perhaps when we discover the location of the missing pool tables, we will also find Buck Hunting and Pinball.


Saturday after we spent most of the day recovering, we thought we would do some research on the other pubs in the area. First stop – Mosman Hotel, also known as the ‘Duck’. First thing we noticed was the absolute plethora of young attractive men – aha!! We cried – so this is where they go. The next thing we noticed was a rather extensive menu at reasonable prices – something lacking at the Hole. I think their menu consists of about 4 choices the highlight being baked beans on toast or something.

Next stop – the Oaks. Pricey drinks and apparently they can’t afford limes, which is surprising considering. Anyway, not a bad establishment. Reasonable looking men, although a tad woggy.

Then we decided we had been away from our spiritual home long enough and returned to our ‘Mecca’ if you will. WTF was going on at the Hole Saturday night is beyond me. I think they arranged a loser’s theme party and forgot to inform us. From the outfits – some women looked like Supre threw up on them – to revolting displays of affection between a late 30’s slapper in some kind of beer wench outfit known as Slapporn with a much younger bloke in stubbies and thongs who looked paraletic. All in all the whole night was a car crash of mass proportions. The only thing I can think of that might cause such a dismal night, is that Uncle Pete was away on a fishing trip and unable to monitor things.

Let’s look at a comparison of hotels…..

Mosman Hotel – Saturday 9pm

Cremorne Hotel – Saturday 12pm

I think the pictures speak for themselves!!!

Oh Cremorne Hotel management!!! What are you doing to our spiritual home?

A Night Of Crapulence Was Had By All

Well it certainly was quite an evening last night.

It all started when I skipped off work half an hour early to meet Miss Contradiction for a drink or 10 at 333 bar in the city. Miss Contradiction then went off to the Kylie concert (she is quite the social butterfly) and I got on a bus bound for - yes, you guessed it - Cremorne.

Unfortunately there was a major traffic jam on the bridge and as we all know I was fairly inebriated by this stage so the results weren't going to be pretty.

Did I happen to mention I also suffer from very bad motion sickness? Well, I do. Many a time has Miss Contradiction had to hold my hair back as I vomit on the side of the road after a hard night's drinking.

I don't really remember much of being at the pub. I do know I was very, very drunk. At one stage I went to the toilet and by the time I came back out I had forgotten who I was talking to.

Miss Contradiction appeared like an oasis in the desert later in the night and I was confused because I thought she was supposed to be at a concert. I guess going to the pub was more important for her.

We then proceeded to have a quiet chuckle about Jason and his date for his work Christmas party tonight - he is taking the air conditioner installer from work, no less.

A quick game of pool ensued and I notice that two of the pool tables have been randomly moved around 90 degrees. For what reason I don't know - perhaps management thinks it makes the room more distinguished? Perhaps it is a feng shui thing? Who knows.

I then had to rush home all of a sudden due to a pressing engagment - ie, I had to throw up.

Needless to say I have woken up with a killer hangover today and am about ready to shoot myself in the head.

I think we will head up to The Oaks soon to start again. Apparently I am supposed to be meeting someone for a 'date' tonight which I had entirely forgotten about and don't quite remember arranging. I don't think I'll go, seeing as Bad Smell is apparently still in the state and may catch me in the act.

IDEAS FOR THE "SO-SO BAR" OPENING NIGHT

1. Foam Party
2. Mud / Jelly Wrestling
3. Theme Party - Dress as your favourite Megahole larrikin
4. Boot Scooting
5. Cross Dressing

Please post your ideas for the opening night theme.

Winner gets a giant pair on underpants from the IGA.

PS - Town Bike is currently bikin' around at a boozy lunch and I have to come up with ideas for this blog - all by myself.

Oh! The injustice!!!

Inappropriate People To Take To Parties

In the tradition of 'certain people we know' taking inappropriate people to their work Xmas parties (ie, another man - I'm looking at you Jason, siblings, pieces of paper), here is my list of potential people I may take as my date to my Xmas party.

* My best friend from primary school, whom I haven't seen in 18 years.
* The guy who was driving my bus yesterday afternoon.
* A hobbit.
* A cat.
* A soccer ball with a wig on it and a face drawn on with lipstick.

In fact, I think I might turn up to the pub tonight with a box of tissues as my date.

SEE YOU THERE!!

Don't Let The Door Hit You On Your Way Out!

Well I was all bunkered down for a quiet night last night – a crapulent night of watching Law and Order re-runs on Foxtel, to be precise, followed by bed at 10pm – however even the best laid plans often go awry.

I was startled out of my beauty sleep at 2.30am by my phone ringing. And who should it be but my Bad Smell (called that because he hangs around like one).

Here is a transcript of our conversation.

-----

Town Bike: Hello? What time is it?

Bad Smell: Um, it’s about 2.30. Sorry for waking you.

TB: I better go back to sleep. Talk tomorrow.

BS: No hang on, I was ringing to say goodbye. (If this was The OC, they would play some angsty track by some indie band now, but unfortunately this was not The OC, or Melrose Place, or even South Park, this was real life).

TB: Why where are you going?

BS: I’ve decided that Sydney life isn’t for me and I’m going to head interstate.

TB: Did you really have to call to tell me this at 2.30 in the morning? (Realising he has had another gambling episode – this is not the first time this has happened).

BS: No, I had to tell you now… I need you to tell my sister in the morning. Don’t tell her now, it’s too late to ring anyone.

TB: Right… too late to ring anyone. Where are you going?

BS: I don’t know, I’ll call you when you get there.

TB: I’m not calling anyone for you. You clean up your own mess.

BS: Bye baby, I love you so much.

TB: OK bye

-----

I don’t know if this was for real, but… GOD I HOPE SO!!!! Finally – I’m almost out of my glass case of emotion!!

I woke up this morning and thought of the things I really should have said, if I had been more awake:

So are you asking me for money for your train fare?
Can you wait until morning and I’ll drive you to Central?
Can you take Jason with you?
Does this mean I can sleep with other people?

I have spent the morning chuckling to myself about this little episode. I know I probably shouldn’t find humour in his existential angst, but… WHATEVER!!!

LOOKS LIKE I’M ON THE PROWL THIS WEEKEND… WATCH OUT BOYS!!!

Update: Cremorne Lingo

Crapulence (n): 1. Sickness caused by excessive eating or drinking. 2. Excessive indulgence; intemperance.

USAGE: On Sundays, Mary liked to wallow in her own crapulence.

Jason (n): 1. Classical Mythology. A hero, the leader of the Argonauts, who at the request of his uncle Pelias retrieved the Golden Fleece from King Aeëtes of Colchis with the help of Medea. 2. A male given name: from a Greek word meaning “healer.” 3. The biggest loser in the world, definitely not a healer - more of a giver of pain. 4. A generic term for someone who is an ice addict and a problem gambler.

USAGE: I'm going to hunt Jason down and shoot him in the chest with a speargun, then throw his body into a well.

Megahole (n): 1. A very large hole in the ground. 2. A pub in Cremorne that was once known as the Metropole (see also "eighth wonder of the world"). 3. A woman of loose sexual morals.

USAGE: Seeing Jason at the megahole makes me want to be crapulent.

Titanic (n): 1. A British luxury liner that sank after colliding with an iceberg in the Atlantic on its maiden voyage in April, 1912, with 1517 lives. 2. The nightclub at the Megahole. 3. A woman of loose sexual morals.

USAGE: I'd rather be on the Titanic than in this nightclub right now.

Uncle Pete (n): 1. Godfather of the Megahole. 2. Generically; a woman's ideal man.

USAGE: I want to make slow, passionate love to Uncle Pete.

Wherefore Art Thou Discotheque?

I am on the edge of my seat with anticipation as to what sorry excuse the Cremorne Hotel will come up with for a nightclub.

As is perfectly clear from the Antler Bar, they have completely overestimated their clientele. It’s been tried before, with the opening of the C Lounge, which we all know was a dismal failure. The opening was good - if you got an invite, which was not extended to any locals. Instead they targeted beautiful people who went for the free food and grog and were never seen since.

I myself managed to sneak in with someone else’s invite. They even had fire twirlers – which is a great idea if you have smoke alarms as sensitive as the hole’s.

I think we should have a competition for the naming the nightclub. Previous names have included The Lighthouse and Steps, so obviously an improvement is in order. Pissed Pete’s is an obvious choice, but lacks the refinement that the Hole is so desperately trying to achieve.

Please post your suggestions for the new nightclub.

Winner will receive opening night passes to the nightclub accompanied by Pete.

Everyday Is Blog Day

In the tradition of the Sam And The City blog on www.smh.com.au, I think we should organise a blog meet up in the not too distant future. (Not that we've ever been to one of her blog meet ups, except to sit several tables away and point and stare at all the internet freaks).

However it has just occurred to me that since Miss Contradiction and myself are the only people who read this blog, a blog meet up is really just the two of us sitting at the pub, which happens on a fairly regularly basis.

So I guess everyday is a blog meet up day. Perhaps we could have a blog meet up tonight??

New Years' Eve

According to an unreliable source (ie, my bad smell of an ex-boyfriend), Miss Contradiction and myself are apparently not 'cool' enough to go to the Falls Festival as a member of Michael Franti's entourage.

Despite the fact that he's probably right, can I just add at this point that why my ex-boyfriend wants to be a Michael Franti groupie is beyond me. He is an embarrassment to all my ex-boyfriends everywhere. This may well be the first time I've ever driven a man to homosexual stalking.

But as per usual, the joke's on him. While my beloved bad smell is off getting insects in his underwear whilst camping out in rural Lorne (I had to inform him there are no five-star hotels nearby, or even four-star hotels, though perhaps Mr Franti has a three-star tent), we will be celebrating New Years Eve in style.

We have decided to host a BBQ at an unspecified location. Fuelled by a day's worth of booze, we will then proceed to ignore the fireworks with every ounce of our beings, instead choosing to listen to our beloved mashups (I think we should play Snoop Dogg's "The Next Episode" v Guns and Roses "Paradise City" at midnight - BEST MASHUP EVER).

I informed Miss Contradiction yesterday that I am well and truly nonplussed by the fireworks and simply can't spend another New Years pretending that I am impressed by them.

Trekking into the city - or even down the road - to see the fireworks for yet another year reminds me just how easily impressed some human beings are by shiny pretty things.

I mean HELLO, we're people, not MAGPIES!!!

Duh

IMPORTANT VOTE!!

Who is hotter: Uncle Pete or Billy Joel???

It was a tough call for me, but I think I have to go with Pete (I prefer 'real life' men to Hollywood idols).

Cast your votes here - leave a comment with either Pete or Billy and the winner will be crowned sexiest man in Cremorne.

Important Announcements

It is with great sadness that I have to inform you that Miss Contradiction has been deprived of email and Internet access at work today.

Her boss told her that this is happening because they need to check the networks will hold up in a worst-case scenario, however just between you and me I suspect they just want to stop her using up all the company's cyber resources on emailing and stalking blogs.

In other news, WE ARE GOING TO BILLY JOEL TONIGHT!!!

No, he's not playing in the piano bar at the megahole... WE'RE REALLY SEEING HIM!!

WE LOVE YOU BILLY!!!!

Banned From The Pub: The New Black?

It has come to our attention that getting banned from the pub is the new pastime du jour for the regulars and semi-regulars of Cremorne.

Perhaps after years of spending TOO MUCH time at the pub, many familiar faces feel that the only way to improve on spending every waking moment at the Megahole is to be denied entry altogether.

Here’s our tribute to those who have gone before us into banning paradise, and those who really should be banned.

The recently banned

Stalker (does anyone know his real name? – Peter and some Polish last name that sounds suspiciously like 'smorgasboard', we have just been told): For services rendered to the stalking community and giving so much excitement to all the locals of Cremorne.

Rocket Rod: For being a lascivious arseclown. With him gone, who will comment on our chests and/or lovely red lips? Or remind us that “these fists have hit women before”. Very attractive behaviour indeed and almost certain to get a girl in the sack.

Andy: For getting into a fight with Missingham.

Missingham: For getting into a fight with Andy.

Danny: For getting into a fight with Panda.

Panda: For getting into fights with everybody.


Those who should be banned

Rachel (2NDSWM): Because she has lego hair and used to go out with Jason, rending her unfit to be alive.

Jason (AKA Dave Gray; Faggotini; Russell Crowe): Because he is Jason, and (ir)relevant. Plus he wears an ugly overcoat and looks like an extra who has been ejected from the set of Romper Stomper.

Kylie & Jen: Does this really need an explanation? I think not.

Uncle Pete: Just so he goes home sometime. Actually he gets a mini ban every night so maybe this is a little extreme. But all is forgiven come beer-o-clock the next day – ie, 3pm on weekdays and 11am on weekends – and he's back in the pub, greeting the new sunrise with a fresh schooie.

Becky: See above.

Miss Contradiction and Town Bike: So we can be up with the trend.

Petition: Bring Back Buck Hunting At The Megahole!

I was shocked and saddened recently when I noticed that the Buck Hunting video game, in which you channel your inner redneck by shooting at animals on a screen, was REMOVED from the so-called 'Real Man's Room' at the Megahole several weeks ago.

Think about it: how can these 'Real Men' express their virility without having electronic animals to shoot at?

How can Miss Contradiction and myself get in touch with out inner Ellie-May Clampetts without sending the occasional on-screen deer to animal heaven?

What will I use to keep myself focused after downing sixty gallons of champagne?

Bring it back, I say! BACK!

Blog My Pretties, Blog!

I am quite excited about our dramatic entry into the world of blogging.

Hopefully we can get involved in some hilarious cyber shenanigans that we can reminisce about while sharing a quiet 'schooie' or two at the pub.

Perhaps we may even attract our own stalkers out of it - who knows!

We can only hope!

Disabled? I Think Not!

As Town Bike may have mentioned. The disabled toilets at the hole are a must for any suspicious activities you may have in mind.The beauty being that absolutely no one knows they are there. Except for Pete. He knows everything.

It can also be quite romantic in the right lighting.

Top 10 Reasons Why Cremorne Really IS The New Black

10. More pubs and bottle shops per capita than any other suburb on the lower North Shore.
9. The punch-ons and stalkings flow free and fast.
8. More faux bisexuality and lesbianism than you can poke a stick at.
7. $5 cocktails at the RSL.
6. The women are loose 'n' easy.
5. Uncle Pete - need I say more?
4. The footpaths are quite adequate.
3. No matter where you look, you can always find some idiot to keep you entertained.
2. The disabled toilets at the Metropole.

And the number 1 reason why Cremorne is the new black is...

1. BECAUSE JASON DOESN'T LIVE ANYWHERE NEAR HERE!!

HURRAY FOR LIFE!!!

Welcome to our Blog

Well we finally have our own blog, and don't need to rely on causing punch on's at the SATC blog.

Might be a bit lonely without the 'gang'...you know, Patrick, Suzie the Stripper & Blonde Contradiction.

Might have to get a few BSWC staff posting on our blog.

Exciting News!

I have something very exciting to share with you all!

No, I'm not pregnant, that's just a beer belly. This morning when I was taking my early morning constitutional, ie walking to work up Rangers Road, who happened to drive past me in a council truck but PETE!

What a way to start your week! He leaned out the window and gave me a thumbs up and a very cheery "HOW YA GOING GROOVER!"

Yay Pete!

Cremorne Really Is The New Black

I should know - I truly am the height of all fashion.

More to follow WHEN I AM FEELING CREATIVE AND NOT HUNGOVER!