Cookies And Cream Ice Cream: Better Than Sex?

I vote yes. My hips vote no.

In other news, the hole was quite boring last night. There was a severe lack of the colourful and interesting random characters who tend to pop up and make the night entertaining.

One event of note was the appearance of Mr Tastic in a striking apricot wifebeater, the likes of which has never been seen in polite company before. It gave rise to a number of witty comments, such as 'Peaches and Cream Barbie called, she wants her colour scheme back' and 'I've still got the apricots for you' etc etc. As you can imagine this was very funny, but only for about five minutes, after which it got to be quite annoying and I had to threaten violence if anymore apricot-themed jokes were made.

The night was also characterised by a plethora of pseudo intellectual conversations, such as the Roman Catholic Church's Inquisition, the Latin language and Shakespeare. Really a typical night in Academia via the megahole.

I look forward to NYE tomorrow night to see where the night takes Miss Contradiction and myself. Now I have to go and eat a tub of ice cream and watch Law and Order SVU. Yes it is hard having this much of a social life. (Does talking to the guy at the bottle shop across the road count as having a social life?)

Pointless Websites And Other Trivial Matters

Well Christmas has come and gone for another year. Bad Smell finally cracked and bought me a Christmas present after more than 2.5 years of knowing each other. Now I can finally count on two fingers the number of presents he has ever bought me. Good going.

In other news, have you seen the 'OFFICIAL WEB SITE THINGY' for the So-So-Bar? If not, click here. (It was on the invite for the opening night.)

No, that's not your computer playing up. There is NOTHING ON THE PAGE except for a bit of text saying info@sobar.com.au. Now I'm not a web designer, but as far as I know, you shouldn't create a page with nothing on it to advertise a business. It is annoying and is likely to drive customers away.

I mean, couldn't they have even made the email address so you can click on it to send an email? Instead you have to type the email address into the 'to' field yourself if you want to send an email. Screw that. Typing is for jerks.

I also note that they have chosen purple as the official colour for the So-So-Bar, as it is present on both the invite and the web site. A quick scan of the internet reveals that purple is the colour of royalty. I don't know who management is trying to kid, but royalty is very unlikely to ever darken the door of the hole. Or even anyone vaguely important, for that matter. Though I did see Angela Bishop having dinner there one night a few years ago.

Another meaning of the colour purple is riches or money. Hence it follows that the only possible explanation for this colour being chosen as So-So-Bar's official shade is that the company that was hired to redesign it was allowed to pick the colour and $1.8 million later, they are having a laugh at management's expense.

Hole Update

Well Miss Contradiction can't do the hole update this week as she doesn't have a computer so I'll step in briefly.

I dropped in for a few drinks last night to meet the Contradiction-meister before a family Christmas meal thingy at Peppercorn (Miss C couldn't make it as she had an important date with the Muppet's Christmas Carol on TV).

And the big talking point of the night is that Uncle Pete's ban is not for one month, but for LIFE!

What-the fuck-ever!!

You know what my feelings are on this matter so I won't say anymore.

Bad Smell turned up after work and he and Nathan the bouncer spent half an hour reminiscing about blokes from school. All their names seemed to end in 'o' so there was Bizzo, Bloke-o, Wazzo, Smello, etc etc. Apparently Bad Smell was in the first 15 for rugby (whatever the hell that means) and Nathan the bouncer was in the second 15. Bad Smell is 3 years younger than Nathan. Ha ha ha.

Anyway Nathan eventually gave us a double entry pass for the weekend opening of So-So-Bar (even though he gave it to Smell Boy, I snatched it off him and am planning on taking Miss C). It apparently allows free drinks and food between 8 and 10pm and lists the DJs who will be playing, none of which I have heard of.

It also says on the invite that it's open until 'fashionably late'. Excuse me, but I don't think the megahole is licensed to use the word 'fashion' in any way, shape or form.

I am looking forward to going to the opening and having a gander at this mythical nightclub. I'll take my laptop with me and do a live report from the night. Ok maybe I won't do that.

Oh yeah. Merry Christmas etc.

Greetings from the U.K

As foreign correspondent I apologise for my lack of correspondence.

Well It's 3pm on Saturday (2am Sat/Sun in the Cremorne). My feeling is that Miss Contradiction and Town Bike are probably sitting in the hole waiting for the So So bar to open so they have something different to do. I am still very upset to learn the news that the spiritual leader has been banned from his home. Where does he spend his time now. There surely must be a void. What was so bad that he got banned for a month. Was it the walking around with no shoes on, while telling everyone to "get out" slurping away at his V.B. Or did he do something more drastic like try to shag the barmaids?? I am so glad I am not there to witness such a tragic event. My 11.30 am sunday drinking partner is gone.

Well I found a new bar last night called "apres" - it was certaintly not the "hole". I proceeded to get very drunk there and ran into some random I used to work with 10 yrs ago (I worked at a Supermarket!!). I'm glad to see his life has not changed at all. I should introduce him to the hole and he can become a deadbeat there instead.
To my horror at 2 am, they asked me to leave because the bar was closing. HELLO. Do they not know I am used to an establishment that stays open till 5am. Probably a good job as when i got home, my brother and his girlfriend were crashed out in my bed and I climbed into bed next to my Mum. Poor thing. I hope I didn't snore/dribble/put my arm around her.
I do at one point remember trying to talk to Miss Contradiction. It always seems like a good idea when you are drunk to phone people, but being on the other side of the world, when I'm drunk, Miss Contradiction is just getting up. Sorry.

Anyway, enough babble from me. Until next time...................

Banning Update

I almost forgot the news story of the decade: UNCLE PETE HAS BEEN BANNED FROM THE HOLE FOR A MONTH.

Absolutely disgraceful - how can you evict a man from his home like that.

You can bet your boob job he's not happy about this.

So-So-Bar: Not A Sure Thing

Following on from the revelation that the So-So-Bar is being advertised on poles around town with the slogan "It's a Lower North Sure Thing", I am beginning to wonder if anyone else has noticed the irony in this statement.

I mean come on, the nightclub has been under renovation for about six months now and as far as I can see it is very far from being a "sure thing".

Perhaps the tag line "It's a Lower North Maybe Next Year Sometime Thing" or even "It's a Lower North Not Likely to Happen Thing" would have been appropriate.

However after seeing the general media strategy of the hole in action, I guess it's not really that surprising at all.

For fuck's sake "It's a Lower North Sure Thing", what does that even mean anyway? What's a Lower North Shore Thing?? The only things that most people associate with the Lower North Shore are boat shoes, blokes in turned up collars and chicks with oversized handbags: none of which are good things to have associated with your suburb.

And speaking of the Oaks (were we?), Bad Smell Boy and I drifted up there yesterday for a mid-afternoon drinking and pool session and I decided to put some tunes on the jukebox. However I found that the only CD in the whole jukebox you can put on is Bryan Ferry and Roxy Music. The rest of the CDs are 'disallowed' apparently.

While I don't mind Bryan Ferry and Roxy Music in small doses, there is only so many times you can listen to 'More Than This' and 'Jealous Guy' without needing immediate assistance at the nearest psychiatric unit.

Dear Miss Contradiction

Why were you blubbering about your cat at the pub last night?

Bad Smell informs me I was mostly behaving myself. However I did have a small lapse in the pokie room at about 12:30am when two guys in matching head sweatband thingies walked in and I yelled "Olivia Newton John in Xanadu called, she wants her look back". Apparently I almost got us into a fight. Whoops.

Oh well, off to get my eyelashes permed now, have fun at work! ha ha ha.

Leggings: The Ugliest Thing Ever?

Well I have nothing left to say about the hole as I haven't been there all week so I guess I will have to talk about my other great love: fashion. After all, I DO manage to carry off an ugly bright blue skirt with flowers on it coupled with a hot pink wifebeater on top so only a handful of people are laughing at me.

In particular, I would like to talk about one trend that really gets my goat: leggings.

I firmly believe that leggings are the work of the devil. I am so sick of seeing every girl and her cat wearing leggings teamed with an ugly sack of a dress on top, just because Nicole Lohan or Lindsay Ritchie or Fugly Hilton or whoever the hell it was wore it once.

Let me get one thing straight: leggings are NOT flattering. They never have been flattering, they never will be. The only time when wearing leggings is acceptable is when you are a five-year-old jazz ballet student. Not when you are a grown woman.

Leggings stop at the most unflattering part of your leg: the mid-calf. When something stops at the fattest part of your leg, it makes your legs look fat. FACT. And while this is ok if you are a skinny girl, this is quite obviously tragic when worn by a heiffer.

I mean, what the fuck is the point of leggings, anyway? They don't achieve anything - they don't keep you warm, they don't hold anything in, they don't cover your boobs... their only function is seemingly to look stupid and tell the world 'HI, THE PERSON WHO IS WEARING ME IS DELUSIONAL AND RIPPED OFF HER LOOK FROM A CLEO MAGAZINE'.

This is particularly true when paired up with massive handbag, giant novelty sunglasses (you know the ones I'm talking about) and a dress that looks like a hessian sack. And the sack is tied up with a belt that looks like a piece of rope. UM, HELLO, ELLIE MAY CLAMPETT CALLED, SHE WANTS HER LOOK BACK!!

To sum up, the only looks you can achieve while wearing leggings are:

* Ellie May Clampett hillbilly chic
* Arty beat poet
* Bag lady
* Leftover jazz ballet student from the 1980s
* Fashion victim

NONE OF WHICH ARE GOOD LOOKS!!! PARTICULARLY ON LOWER NORTH SHORE FASHION TRAGICS!!!

The next time I see someone wearing a pair of leggings, I am going to use their own leggings to give them the wedgie of a lifetime. Oh the irony - defeated by your own leggings.

It's the only way they'll learn.

Well, Well, Well

Someone has just been given tomorrow off, so my two week holiday has just been extended to two weeks and one day.

Awesome. Usually I try not to get too crapulent on a Thursday night so I can get up and pump some iron in the morning and still make it to work, however I think I may get myself very, very, very drunk tonight.

Don't despair about the blog being on hiatus for two weeks - Miss Contradiction and I can update from my place, so you never have to miss a moment of our incredibly boring and uneventful lives!

Things To Do At Work When You're Incredibly Bored...

And it's your last week and you can't be bothered doing any work because that's next year's problem, but you want things to do so you still look like you're working:

* Get a notepad and roughly jot down outfits you can wear for the key dates of the festive season (such as Boxing Day trivia at the pub and getting drunk with the family on Christmas day), complete with shoes and accessories.

* Research new types of drinks on the internet that you can get hammered on over the break. Make rough notes on which ones have the highest alcohol % so you're not wasting your time with some amateur stuff.

* Read celebrity gossip sites and shake your head at the celebs who spend their weekends dressed up like hookers, binge drinking and taking drugs - who the hell would do something like that?

* Reminisce about how you popped a "bizzo" (wink wink) towards the end of last year's Christmas family gathering out of sheer boredom and Bad Smell had to keep trying to explain your erratic behaviour to 80-year-old father and other assorted relatives.

* Stalk a friend via email.

* Stalk various web chat forum thingies and leave threatening messages.

* Pretend you're listening to your annoying co-worker.

* Type strongly-worded emails to other co-workers about annoying co-worker and how you wish she would hurry up and get fired.

* Think about how off your face you were last weekend and reminisce about the good times (what you can remember of them).

* Search internet for memory enhancing exercises as last weekend's substance abuse has led to short-term memory problems.

* Make lists on your blog.

* Look at the minutes pass on your computer's clock and wish they would hurry up.

* Think about getting drunk.

Suggestions For Outfits For Opening Night Of New Nightclub

We always like to make a statement with our clothes.

So here is the shortlist for potential outfits for us for the opening night of new nightclub ("So-So-Bar"):

• Top hat and cane
• Ball gown
• A cape
• Nappy and baby's bonnet with giant novelty lollipop
• Dracula costume
• Stubbies, wifebeater and thongs
• High-cut leotard complete with belt, sweatbands, bad 80s perm and cameltoe, a la Olivia Newtown John in 'Physical'
• A groucho marx disguise kit
• A dress made entirely out of beer coasters
• A chicken suit

Trivial Pubsuit

I just received a VIP text message from the hole informing us all that trivia is back at the pub tonight.

IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME!! The last time we played trivia there was... my God... three and a half years ago? And it was on a Wednesday night... and we never won, despite cheating extensively.

I want to go to this because I rock at trivia (because I have an extensive database of useless facts and figures stored in my brain - in fact the database is the only thing in my brain that is yet to be destroyed by years of substance abuse), however I don't want to get too crapulent during my last week of work as I am already turning into a bloated alcoholic a la Lindsay Lohan.

Here's to hoping they have it on next Tuesday (Boxing Day) while we're on holidays as I will be there with bells on. And I will wipe the floor with everyone else's arses. However this will involve not drinking as I tend to forget things / ramble / exaggerate / repeat myself when I'm drunk.

GAME ON!

Hole Update WE 17/12/2006

Ok, ok…I know my update is late.

Problem is I don’t remember much of the weekend due to sheer crapulence.

I had my Xmas party on Friday, so only dropped in to our fave establishment briefly. Town Bike was completely off her face when I got there and was talking in a rare dialect of Swahili.

Saturday we had our inaugural rival Xmas lunch. Fun and merriment was had by all – except for our spiritual leader Pete who could not tear himself away from his spiritual home. Such dedication I am sure you will agree. So we headed back to join him at the megahole.

We did however manage to make him wear a fetching santa hat – it was quite remarkable his resemblance to bad santa (aka Billy Bob).

Saturday night is really just a massive blur. Town Bike piked at 1.30 and I ended up talking crap for around 6 hours to random people. What I was rambling about is a complete mystery.

I stumbled back there around 1pm Sunday until around 7 when I had to pass out on something.

In other news, Miss Penelope has left the country for 4 weeks….I miss my partner in crime. However I do believe she will be our foreign correspondent whilst she is away.

God love her….

Does The Nightclub Really Exist?

I am beginning to wonder if the nightclub is just a figment of our imaginations.

I think management is stringing us along as we eagerly anticipate the opening of the new nightclub - purely to keep us coming back in the hope that perhaps that night it might be open.

For crap's sake, it doesn't take four months to renovate a room that size (unless, of course, the first two months were spent fumigating and de-stickifying the floors).

I mean, what are they doing, growing the cotton from scratch so they can weave the carpet?

While the uncarpeted stairs and plasterboarded walls suggest something may well be going on inside, there is nothing to say that it's not part of the scam. (By the way, doesn't having exposed wires in a public area violate occupational health and safety regulations in some way? One would have thought so. But then again, so does having poo in the ice, and that never stopped the hole before).

Am I the first one to call the Emperor's New Clothes on the nightclub? Is the whole elaborate sham beginning to unravel? Will Pete ever get his teeth fixed? Only time will tell...

Where's My Update, Contradiction?

Where's the weekend update?

We all got a bit 'over excited' on Saturday night (and by 'bit over excited', I actually mean 'very off our faces'), and consequently can remember very little of the night.

I'm not actually sure where I was for half of it.

I'm relying on the update to fill in certain gaps in my memory.

I need to get out the hole

Ok....I have some very serious concerns over my health. The last 3 nights in a row I have not left the hole before 1am. It's a trap....it sucks you in and finally spits you out a few hours later in a different state than when you went in. Please help me. Maybe I should get myself barred.

Extra! Extra! Local Pub Kicks Out Drunken Yobbo!

Well I was just thumbing through the Mosman Daily on my lunch hour (yes, I was very bored) and I noticed that everyone’s favourite local dive has scored a write up on page 4.

Just to fill you in, the story was explaining that Cremorne Hotel is winning kudos from local wowsers for taking a tough stance on ejecting drunk people. It was accompanied by a nice photo of some guy sitting in the Antler Bar, staring contemplatively into the camera.

My initial thoughts were, in no particular order:

1. This is not page 4 news, or news at all, actually;
2. The reason why fewer drunk people have been spied in the pub recently is probably because no one goes there anymore; and
3. Why am I reading the Mosman Daily?

But I digress. I really have something to say here about the media strategy of the hole. You see, having worked in local newspapers many moons ago (okay it was last year), I happen to know that these sorts of stories are usually generated by a phone call from the subject of the story to said newspaper.

Okay, all well and good, you say. And I agree – partially. I’m all for tipping off the media to your whereabouts (it really wouldn’t be a Saturday night without the paparazzi stalking you), however there are only certain stories you want in print.

Yes. Showing that they’re getting tough on drunks creates goodwill in the local community. Which can be handy when you’re trying to push something through in front of council or whatever. But on a basic level, the pub is not in danger of losing its licence any time soon because it's been there for centuries or decades or whatever. In fact I think Captain Cook used to drink there. It's an Australian tradition.

Now, let me explain – every product has a core target market. Not just a target market, but a CORE market WITHIN the target market. And you don’t want to piss off your target market, especially when your business is apparently going through a rough patch.

Now clearly the core target market of the hole is drunken yobbos and pub pond life. Not the 18-year-old Oxford St crowd who come once a fortnight after a big night and sip on a Bacardi Breezer and several glasses of water because they’re pilling off their faces. Nor is the target market the 60-year-old teetotalers who pick up the Mosman Daily and go “it’s about time they did something about it”. They are never going to have a sudden change of heart and descend into a life of alcohol and pokie abuse at the hole.

Doesn’t matter how you dress it up with fancy wallpaper and bizarre looking horn decorations, that’s a fact. Always has been, always will be.

Local yobbos don’t want to pick up the Mosman Daily and read that they are in danger of being kicked out of their favourite haunt. In this case, the hole’s silence on the matter would have said far more. It would have said: WE STILL LOVE YOU, LOCAL DEADBEATS!! YOU’VE GOT A HOME HERE!! PLEASE COME AND DRINK OUR BEER!! AND PUT YOUR MONEY INTO OUR POKIES!!

I don’t know who is currently directing the hole’s media strategy, but I would like to volunteer myself for the job. Because you see I have ACTUAL MEDIA EXPERIENCE, unlike whoever is handling it at the moment.

Also I know the product very well, since I have been hanging around there all of my adult life and even a couple of years of my pre-adult life. I care very much for the pub and would love to see it returned to its glory days of trashy nihilism. Yes, it might have been trashy and yes, perhaps you wanted to kill yourself while you were sitting slumped on the couches in the pool hall, but at least it was busy then!!

However I also have unrealistic salary expectations and would require a full-time personal assistant and masseuse, so perhaps it’s all just a pipe dream.

C’est la vie.

C Lounge Xmas Carol

'Jingle bells, C Lounge smells, who'll get barred today. Danny's back - Pete sells crack, stalkers gone away- hey!'

'Dashing to the Crow, in a big blue limosine, it really is a bus, but the driver looks real mean. Sat next to a dag, who tried to steal my bag, I punched the twit across the chops and now at rehab - oooooooooooooh, la la la la la la'

Another pearler from Bubbles - you may remember her from such posts as 'Cremorne Barbie'

Feel free to put forward suggestions for the next lines in the song.

Best entry will win an induvidualy wrapped Tim Tam from the pokie room...

IDEA FOR SO-SO-BAR

I have formulated an awesome idea for the new SoSoBar or whatever it's called.

I think they should have a mash up night once a week, where NOTHING BUT MASH UPS are played.

As I now have over 200 mash ups on my laptop, with that figure growing by the day, I would be quite happy to volunteer my services as DJ.

Miss Contradiction can be my offsider. We can be known as DJ Konstipation (with a backwards capital K) and DJ Kontradiction (backwards capital K).

I am so eager to share the goodness of mash ups with the general population that I would happily DO THIS FOR FREE. Maybe for a few free drinks and sexual favours from groupies.

I guarantee you, this would be a very popular night. Mash ups are awesome - everyone who hears them falls under their spell.

MASH UPS!

Cremorne Barbie - The Perfect Gift this Xmas

In deference to Bubbles (formerly Bubbles2Go – but I have decided that blog name is too long) and her moving prose about Cremorne Barbie, the contributors to this blog decided to make our very own Cremorne Barbie. As luck would have it, our other spiritual home (IGA) sells homebrand type Barbie knock off’s for $6.

I think you will all agree that with a $6 barbie, a pair of scissors, and a lot of hard work and imagination – we came up with a stunning likeness. I am sure Mattel will be offering us untold wads of cash for this little number in the hopes of getting it out in shops before Xmas.

Now all we need is a $6 Ken doll and we can dress him in a wifebeater and a flannie and you will have the perfect pair.

I am sure she will become a best seller!!

What The F*&k Is This S*&t?

Link: http://www.hotelcremorne.com.au/18889.html

No seriously, WHAT THE FUCK IS IT??

I have never seen a more unprofessional web page, nor, quite frankly, an uglier one during all my years sufing the internerd.

I mean who designed it, my three year old nephew?? Gee, I didn't know he was in the web design business these days.

A few questions:

* Why is the text justified right in the first text block, then left in the second?
* Who told my web designing nephew that red and mint green go well together? Um, hello, it's a web page thingy on the interdork, not Santa's workshop. Red and green should never be seen.
* Why is the bird on the moose's back holding an umbrella? WHY??? Is the poor widdle birdy afraid of getting wet?? Then perhaps it should consider an alternate career... as, say, an office manager. Did they get that photo from Microsoft Word Clip Art?
* The last sentence doesn't make sense. "...enjoy with friends for any occasion" implies that your friends are "for any occasion". So what, you have friends who are for specific occasions? Does that mean like fuck buddies or something? Drinking buddies? This sentence should read "enjoy with friends ON any occasion". Geez. Bad grammar gets my knickers in a knot.

Anyway, I am glad I'm using my English degree for good instead of evil.

Have a nice day.

Ideas For An 'S' Theme Party

Well apparently we are all invited to an 's' theme party on New Years' Eve. Miss Contradiction and I have been racking our brains thinking of things we can come dressed as starting with the letter 's'. Actually Miss Contradiction has been racking her brain, I'm still in shock that I was actually invited somewhere.

There are some obvious choices for an 's' theme party:

* Slapporn (come with no pants and no underwear and you're set).
* Stalker (we can just come as ourselves, or someone with a flowerpot attached to their bum).
* Slut (see above).
* Screw loose (see above).
* Smurf (no thanks).
* Senior citizen (yeah, like I really need to try and make myself look OLDER on New Years' Eve, which is prime picking up time. Good suggestion Miss Contradiction! Not).
* Smacked out (note to self: consult Canada with regards to costume inspiration for this one).

I give up. I think I'll just come as a slut.

A Very Special Day Tomorrow!

I would like to alert you all to the fact that it is a VERY SPECIAL DAY TOMORROW.

An important birthday, in fact. Yes that's right - the blog turns one month old tomorrow!

Hopefully you can all take time out of your busy schedules to think about all the good times you've shared with the blog tomorrow. To think that as little as six weeks ago the blog wasn't even part of any of our lives - well it just blows your mind to see how far we've come.

There will be a party at the badge draw tomorrow to celebrate this momentous event. Pete will jump out of a cake and sing 'happy birthday, Mr President'.

I can't wait! I'm like a proud parent planning their only daughter's 21st birthday.

How will YOU be celebrating the birth of our messiah tomorrow?

Megahole: The Movie

Miss Contradiction and I have decided that the Megahole really is worthy of its own Hollywood blockbuster movie. Here's our notes from a rough brainstorming session we held yesterday.

------
INTRO: From the team that bought you Spice World and Water Rats: The Movie, comes this summer's hottest blockbuster, MEGAHOLE: THE MOVIE.

CAST:

Uncle Pete ................... Brad Pitt
Town Bike ................... Angelina Jolie
Miss Contradiction .... Catherine Zeta Jones
Miss Penelope ............ Kate Hudson
Canada ........................ Adam Sandler
'Rocket' Rod ............... Robert De Niro
Peter 'Stalker' ............ Johnny Depp
Mr Spanky ................. Vin Diesel

PLOT:

None. Any movie about the hole does not have a plot by default.

Here's a picture of Pete and I dancing up a storm at the opening of the So-Bar nightclub:



HOT

The Spiritual De-Pantsing Of Jason The Crackhead

Well I do hate to kick a dog when he's down - unless that dog happens to be Jason, who as you all know is one of my nemises.

I have just received word that Jason was arrested for drink driving last night and spent the night in Kings Cross lock up.

Apparently he blew 0.15 - which all you drivers out there will know is THREE TIMES THE LEGAL LIMIT.

Can I also point out that this is the THIRD time he has been done for drink driving - in fact he got his licence back less than a year ago.

Stupid people just never learn, do they.

The delicious irony of the situation is that Jason just took out a loan a month or two ago - which he really can't afford - to buy a $40,000 car. AND NOW HE CAN'T DRIVE IT. He he.

It will be interesting to see how he manages the commute from Liverpool to Alexandria each day without a car.

I hope they lock him up and throw away the key.

Bet that well isn't looking like such a bad option now, eh Jason?

SUCKED IN YOU LOSER EVERYBODY HATES YOU!! WHY DON'T YOU HAVE ANOTHER CONE!!! BOO HOO

Suggestion For The Hole

I would like to suggest that the hole follows the lead of other reputable institutions in the area (such as the Greenwood and the Commodore) and hands out free champagne, cocktails and food on a Friday afternoon.

Miss Contradiction and I would step over our own grandmothers to get a freebie and would appreciate this very much.

Unfortunately, at this point the only free things you get from the hole include:

• Biscuits from the gaming room
• Depression
• Faeces in the ice
• A drinking problem

Free things as a whole are good, except for those listed above.

Random Items of Clothing

Miss Penelope and myself managed to obliterate ourselves at (you guessed it!) The Hole last night.

I don't remember getting home but my flatmate assures me I was walking around in circles when I got home.

Miss Penelope managed to end up in the Piano Bar wearing a hula skirt. She has no idea where it came from and neither does anyone else.

It reminded me of the time, many years ago when I managed to stumble home wearing a red feather boa. I am not sure where that came from either. I think Town Bike might have pinched it from the nightclub - but I can't be too sure.

Where do these random items of clothing come from and why? Will I wake up tomorrow wearing a chicken suit or a top hat and cane?

It is truly a mystery.....

Welcome Mr Spanky!

Welcome to the blog Mr Spanky. I'm so pleased you worked out how to add comments.

Hopefully when you've proved your blogging stripes, we can add you as a contributor.

It would be nice to have correspondents posting from all 63 corners of the pub.

Please let us know if there is anything we can do to make your stay more comfortable.

Just a quick post from me. There is a rerun of Law and Order about to start on Foxtel that I've only seen twice before and I really should watch it again.

Hello? Is It Me You're Looking For?

To paraphrase Bob Dylan, 'where have all the blog stalkers gone?'

Damn you blog stalkers.... DAMN YOU TO HELL!!

We are not doing this for our own benefit... we are doing it to reap attention and praise onto ourselves!! And possibly sexual favours!!

If the stalkers disappear, then maybe we will fade back into the bizzaro world!!

THEN YOU'LL BE SORRY!!

Question: if a blog is posted on a deserted site and no one is around to read it, does it make a sound?

Think about it!

Badge Draw Update 6/12/06

As usual, I didn't win the badge draw. In fact no one did. To date they have handed out in excess of 700 badges. Every man and his dog/cat/horse/meerkat has one. Including some dude who popped in once on his way home to Dapto.

Whatever.

Marty's joke as always made up for this fact. For those of you who could not make it, the joke went as follows;

Q: Why was the Sherriff scared of the Cremorne Hotel?

A: Because it has the quickest draw.

That joke is so bad I can't even think of anything funny to say about it......

I notice that only one of you have taken advantage of the Agony Aunts post. All I can say is, if you do not wish to take advantage of our wealth of knowledge in all things crapulent then so be it.

Your loss groovers!

Blogtastic

Just a note to say that I have changed the look of the blog to make it a little more work friendly.

Somehow I don't think bright pink screams "I'm doing work, really".

So now you don't need to worry about the boss sneaking up behind you.

ENJOY!

Merry Christmas! Not

Well it’s been good to see that the hole has ‘gone all out’ in preparing for Christmas again.

And by ‘gone all out’, I actually mean ‘done very little’.

Exhibit A: the lone Christmas tree in the corner, as evidenced in the photograph above. I say ‘lone’ because you’ll notice there are NO ACTUAL PEOPLE SITTING IN THIS PHOTOGRAPH. And this was at around 10pm on a Saturday night. SHAMEFUL.

It’s funny how the Christmas tree appears to be sitting whimsically by the window, looking out on the road and dreaming about its escape. I’ve seen that look from many locals over the years. Including myself.

It would be deceptive if you were a non-local walking past on the street and saw that Christmas tree in the window. You’d think ‘wow that place that looks cosy and full of good cheer for the festive season. I might pop in there for a drink.’ Boy you’d be wrong.

I may even splash out and buy the hole some tinsel to get a bit more festive. Perhaps they can wrap some around Pete. Or staple it onto the TAB tickets or something.

And while we’re on the topic of Christmas: Bad Smell, if you are reading this blog entry thingy, PLEASE RETURN MY CHRISTMAS TREE AND DECORATIONS STAT. You may have gotten to keep most of our shared things in the divorce – and even some of my things, such as clothes and underwear – but you are not getting the fucking Christmas decorations.

And you are not getting custody of the cat either. So stop asking. No family court in its right mind would give you custody of a living, breathing thing. Or an inanimate object either, for that matter.

P.S. Apologies for the dark image. I am too lazy to open Photoshop today. But you all know what that damn tree looks like.

Agony Aunts

Ok people....time to give something back!! Now we know you are visiting our site (why? - because we know EVERYTHING) - but you are not posting. Town Bike and myself are getting thoroughly sick of each other and would like opinions from other people.

So I have decided to introduce this agony aunt post. Ask us anything about ourselves, life, the universe, the hole. Absolutely anything. We promise to answer in our own unique rambling fashion.

Basically our goal is to be picked up by Google, and if we have enough hits, we may even surpass the Cremorne Hotel in terms of search result order.

So get posting and make our site No. 1!! Tell your friends, tell your family, tell random men dressed in chicken suits.

Just get cracking people - STAT!

Why You Shouldn’t Make Life Decisions Based On Information Provided To You By Free Psychics At Boozy Work Functions

In case you missed it, I recently attended a work function where part of the entertainment was free psychics.

Well being a very spiritual person (not) I most definitely had to give this a go.

She told me that the current romantic situation is bad for me (duh, anyone could tell that about Bad Smell, maybe it was the look of pain on my face when she said the word ‘boyfriend’ that gave it away) and that I will be in a relationship with my soul mate by June (I presume she means June 2007, but you never know).

Well I never. Not only am I unlikely to ever meet a ‘soul mate’ due to my extremely erratic behaviour and personality (no one can put up with me), I don’t particularly WANT a soul mate.

Trapped with one person for the rest of my life? I don’t think so.

It was annoying that the psychic couldn’t provide me with a name, phone number and address, because I really feel like hunting this soul mate down with an air rifle. Actually it would be cool if Jason was my soul mate because then I could 'kill' two losers with one stone.

However I would take whatever this psychic said with a grain of salt. She also told me Miss Contradiction is my spiritual guide in this life, however we all know that the only spirits Miss C guides are from her glass to her mouth.

What the Hell is Going on with this #@*&% Nightclub?

Well the original opening date of October 28 has well and truly come and gone.

Since then we have been told the:

• 15th December (random blog stalker)
• NYE (Bouncer)
• 11th January (Goldilocks the employee)

I am beginning to despair that this nightclub will ever open.

Pete is going to be really upset about this.

Mark my words.

Hole Update WE 02/12/2006 - sheesh it's up already!!! Get your pants on

Well it was another fun filled week at the hole.
Friday we actually didn’t turn up until around 10 because we gate crashed one of Town Bike’s corporate do’s. Lots of free grog and alcohol ***see vulture picture above*** (we tend to circle maniacally when anything free is on offer). Guess what? Not a soul in sight. Well we briefly spotted Miss Penelope’s boyfriend, who I will call Mr. Esquire. That, my dear bloggers, was it in terms of yocals. Anyway having been plied with "Jager-bombs" at the free function, we were suddenly seeing 3 of everything and exited stage left.

Saturday was marginally more eventful. After staying in to watch Garfield (excellent film – I give it a 8/10 – mostly because he does a soulful rendition of New York State of Mind that our mate Billy would be proud of). We teetered over to the hole in our stilleto’s. We had a brief sit on the fashion couch and then we played pool and got freebies on the juke box.

We then were coerced in to attending some random’s birthday bash in the Antler Bar that we all know and love. He was quite keen on our very own Town Bike and this other random person who I used to work with and had a school girl type crush on magically materialised even though he is supposed to be in Melbourne. Of course we all know the best tactic to take is TO TELL SAID OBJECT OF YOUR CRUSH ALL ABOUT IT!! NOT.

Suffice to say, what seemed like a good idea WHILST OFF ONE’S FACE does not always seem like such a crash hot idea in the COLD HARSH LIGHT OF DAY. However I digress, enough about me.

We somehow managed to end up downstairs after some sort of technical difficulty in the pool hall causing them to close it (yeah whatever) and played the pokies for lack of anything better to do and stumbled home, shoe-less in the pouring rain at 4.30. Yes, we are a classy pair.

All in all another non eventful week….not even any false fire alarms or bannings to report.

The De-Blogging Of Miss Contradiction

Well I must admit that I am considering kicking Miss Contradiction off the blog.

She only has one regular gig per week - a round up of the weekend - and she can't even do that!!

How am I supposed to entertain myself before I have to leave at 3.30pm??

I don't believe that she is doing work. She never does.

I am giving her until COB today to post her update, otherwise I'll be taking applications for new blog correspondents.

Thank you for listening.

Kylie Mole Et Al

Miss Contadiction is off work today (AGAIN: here's a free tip from me sweetie - lay off the booze on Sundays) so the weekend's update won't appear until tomorrow.

Though I must say it was somewhat of an interesting weekend. We did sneak into a birthday party in the Antler Bar on Saturday night and proceeded to get chatted up by some random blokes. One of them called me a 'spunk' and for a moment I thought I was being chatted up by Kylie Mole (she goes she goes she goes she just GOES).

We also managed to somehow score 10 or 15 free credits on the jukebox, which was very much appreciated.

Only at the hole.

Bad Smell came over to stalk me last night. I don't know what for, he just randomly turned up on my doorstep. He made me watch some awful show on Foxtel about a depraved hitman called 'The Iceman' - I have the weakest stomach at the best of times. And then he wonders why I wouldn't root him.

There is only so many times a girl can have her period in the space of a month.

More to follow tomorrow with pictures and self-righteous rants galore.

Crapulent Cat

I took my cat to the pub last night. She got pretty drunk. Now she's sleeping off her hangover.

She learned all her crapulent ways from the master - me.

P.S. Were any of our blog friends at the pub last night.

Cremorne Barbie

As mush as I would like to take credit for this post - it was actually penned by another Cremorne Hotel lurker who would like to be known as Bubbles2go.


"Cremorne Barbie - This Barbie recently barred from the Cremorne Hotel comes complete with double vision mirror glasses which allow her to spot stalkers from a great distance. She can create pandomoium with her acid tongue and whip your arse at pool. Her attire is somewhat remnant of a cross between savvy and slut. She has no need for a vehicle as she doesn't drive anymore, since running over loud mouth beer swilling Ken, whom she caught pashing local town bike. She can be purchased from any $2 dollar shop in the area or she comes as a bonus item with anything purchased through uncle Pete."

I think you will agree it is pure comic genius. I hope we will be hearing more from Bubbles2go as this blog evolves!

Cyber Stalking - The New Black?

When you think about it, real stalking requires much time and effort for both the stalker and stalkee. All that time sitting around on flower pots, going through garbage, not to mention the expense of all those phone calls and bailing yourself out of jail. For the stalkee, much effort has to be put in to hiding from said stalker and possibly having to relocate. Also having to change one’s phone number and having to go to the police for an AVO.

Cyber stalking on the other hand requires not much effort for either party. You can do it from the comfort of your lounge room or office, requires little outlay and is relatively harmless. It’s a win win situation.

So, to make Town Bike’s cyber stalker a little but more comfortable, I have provided a cyber flower pot for his/her sitting pleasure.

I Love My Stalker

I can't believe I have a stalker. It's so exciting. It's always been an ambition of mine to have a stalker, and now I do. It's like Christmas has come early.

Love your work, nameless stalker.

In other news, I am wearing my favourite blue wifebeater today. Yes, I am channelling Pete. Do you know that in the seven or so years I've known him, I don't think I've ever seen him out of a blue wifebeater and a flannie.

I even have a photo of myself and Pete together wearing the same wifebeater.

I wonder if he has multiple blue wifebeaters and flannies, or if it's the same one.

I guess it's one of those mysteries we'll never know the answer to.

I am hungover from too many champagnes at the pub. Have a nice day.

Photoshop Is The New Black

I noticed with some amusement that, despite the very basic layout of the hole's website (and I am being kind by saying 'basic', in reality I mean 'juvenile'), someone on staff has some pretty advanced Photoshop skills.

Case in point - last time I checked, the Antler Bar didn't look anything like this:

Here's my interpretation of what the Antler Bar looks like after 50 bottles of champagne:

That Antler can be quite scary when you're off your face.

When I Grow Up, I Want To Be...

* A gangster moll
* A female body builder
* A male body builder
* The town drunk
* An old slapper who sits at the hole at age 60 with a glass of chardy and a ciggy hanging out of her mouth
* In jail for Jason's murder
* Not in jail for Jason's murder (but Jason is still dead)
* The town bike
* The owner of a blog who writes nasty things about people on the internet
* Canada's drug bitch
* A cat
* A red paperclip
* Dead

ADD YOURS HERE

Badge Draw Update

Well, once again neither myself or any locals won the badge draw.

I think this can be attributed to the fact they have given out over 500 badges - I think even my cat and Pete the stalker have one, and the fact that a large proportion of the patrons are banned.

This greatly reduces the chance of anyone winning the bloody thing.

Uncle Pete did a celebrity stint and picked the second draw. This was a highlight.

No word on how the 'Mo-vember' promo went.

I am imagining it went dismally.

Can anyone enlighten us?

No pics today kids - blog is playing up.

Watch this space....

DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!

GOD DAMN IT!!!!

Bloody hell - Bad Smell wants to come over for a 'quiet night' on Saturday to 'talk over things and see if we can work it out'.

How many times do I have to tell you - NO!! WE CAN'T WORK IT OUT!! I DON'T WANT TO WORK IT OUT!! AND WE DEFINITELY CAN'T WORK IT OUT ON A SATURDAY NIGHT!!!

Saturday night is bitches' night and I was so planning on taking Miss Contradiction on a date to Hotel Mosman for ricotta and cheese cannelloni and several million bottles of champagne!!

GOD DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!

Badge Draw Ahoy

Well the badge draw has rolled around for another week.

I also received an SMS from the hole advising me that it is the official after party for something called 'movember' tonight (whatever the hell that is) and that anyone with a 'tash' gets $3 schooners between 11pm and 12am.

I love the way the hole goes all out like that. $1.20 off a schooner of beer?? BETTER CALL IN THE RIOT POLICE TO STOP THE STAMPEDE!!!!

I am thinking perhaps I will get a fake moustache from a fancy dress shop, or one of those Groucho Marx disguise kits (see below) and see if I can get $1.20 off my schooners (not that I even drink beer) for a total of ONE HOUR. Because that would be, like, SO WORTH IT!!

Not.

I could look as hot as this tool:

P.S. Do you reckon he's ever had sex?? I don't.

The View From My Balcony

Yes I have a view of the hole from my balcony.

Apologies for the small image - however every time I tried a bigger image the blog had a conniption and shut down.

Believe me you can quite clearly make out the 'Fun for all Players' sign.

Yes, I know this is quite sad, it was however, unintentional.

Miss Penelope also has a view of the hole. I am thinking this subliminal barrage on our subconcious minds that the hole is 'Fun for all Players' may be the reason I am unable to walk past the pub to my unit. Miss Penelope has the same problem.

It is quite obviously a hole, however I am still drawn to it. Do you think I could sue the pub for all the money I have spent as a result of this blatant brainwashing?

I am turning in to a rampant alcoholic.

Credit Where Credit's Due

I am not essentially a negative person. I only bag out fuckwits, arseclowns and reprobates - ie, those who deserve it.

So that's why I'm going to give the hole a bit of credit here.

I must say the jukebox is a little beauty. Miss Contradiction and myself have found some rare and random gems that no other pub in the world would think of having. These include:

* Buffalo Stance by Neneh Cherry
* Werewolves of London by Warren Zevon
* I've Got My Mind Set On You by George Harrison
* Drop The Pilot by Joan Armatrading
* We Didn't Start The Fire by Billy Joel
* Get Off by Prince

I also noticed with some pleasure over the course of the weekend that the jukebox even has Be Thankful For What You've Got by Massive Attack, which is of course in my TOP THREE favourite songs of all time. They even have it in the awesome extended mix, which goes for like 7 minutes. I am also rather fond of the film clip and was enjoying watching it in all its glory.

However I do think there is room for improvement. Several crackers from the old jukebox didn't make it to the new jukebox, including Batdance by Prince and I Touch Myself by The Divinyls. Both Miss C and myself are big fans of these two songs and would like them to be reinstated to the jukebox.

I also think there should be more mash-ups on the jukebox. There is only one on there at the moment: New Order "Blue Monday" vs Kylie Minogue "Can't Get You Out Of My Head". I would suggest these mashups be loaded for our collective listening pleasure:

* The Next City (which is The Next Episode by Snoop Dogg vs Paradise City by Guns and Roses)
* Bootystition (Bootylicious v Superstition by Stevie Wonder)
* Crazy Dick (Moby Dick by Led Zeppelin v Crazy In Love by Beyonce)
* And Drop It Like It's Hot by Snoop Dogg vs Voodoo Chile by Jimi Hendrix. I guess this one is probably called Hot Voodoo or Hot Chile or something.

And while we're at it, let's all hope that management doesn't revert to their plans from earlier this year, when they decided it would be a good idea to have a DJ in the pool hall. Except he wasn't a DJ, but some guy with his iPod hooked up to the jukebox with an A/V lead.

I have also been told that when you switch Bluetooth on in your phone, you can find the jukebox. I am unable to confirm this as my technological skills are limited at best, but soon the day will come when you will be able to hack into the jukebox via your mobile phone.

And speaking of credit where it's due, I would like to congratulate the Mosman Hotel on their outrageously tasty spinach and ricotta cannelloni. I wonder if the megahole cook realises that having a salad on your menu DOES NOT count as a vegetarian option. Many vegetarians don't even like salad - in fact I won't eat salad unless it has some sort of carbohydrate in it, such as pasta, potato or couscous, and a creamy sauce.

I like food.

Thank you for listening.

Throw 'Em All Down A Well

As Miss Contradiction mentioned in an earlier blog entry, we were quite shocked by the high population of losers at the hole on Saturday night (ourselves included).

A 50 year old guy with an annoying whistle shaped like a pair of lips, someone dressed up to look like Gilligan, many women who simply have no idea how to dress themselves: all were out in full force on Saturday night.

Back in the day you weren't allowed into the hole after 9pm in thongs and shorts, however the majority of the clientele appeared to be wearing these wardrobe staples (girls included).

WHEN WILL WOMEN LEARN THAT SHORTS DO NOT WORK AS EVENING WEAR?? JUST BECAUSE FERGIE FROM THE BLACK EYED PEAS WORE A PARTICULAR TREND, IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO!! AND FOR GOD'S SAKE, STICK TO ONE TREND AT ONCE!! IT'S NOT A COMPETITION TO SEE WHO CAN WEAR THE MOST TRENDS IN ONE OUTFIT!!!

But I digress. Anyway the long and the short of it is that we have learned that bouncers have been instructed to let anyone and everyone in due to declining attendance rates. A far cry from the good ol' days, when you could be kicked out at the drop of a hat (as I well know).

So it seems Miss Contradicition and I may have to take matters into our own hands. As we all know, my 80-year-old father (gambler extraordinaire and former western suburbs underworld from the 1970s) has a particular penchant for threatening to put people down the bottom of a well when they cause trouble.

He once threatened to put Jason down a well after he started stalking me for no reason, and ever since then we've been waiting to open the paper one day and see the headline 'EXTRA EXTRA: LOSER FOUND DOWN THE BOTTOM OF LOCAL WELL'. Or even 'ICE DEALER GRIEVES AS BEST CUSTOMER DIES IN TRAGIC WELL ACCIDENT'.

Or 'POKIE SHARE PRICES PLUMMET AS JASON GETS HIS COMEUPPANCE'.

I would like to move that anyone sporting a fashion crime outfit at the pub from now on be put down the bottom of a well. AND THAT INCLUDES FAT PEOPLE WHO INSIST ON WEARING HORIZONTAL STRIPES. HELLO??? IT MAKES YOU LOOK BIGGER... ARE YOU STUPID??

The well pictured above may have to be widened to accommodate some of the wider loads who are known to frequent the establishment.

The Antler

For readers not familiar with the Antler Bar, we have included a shot of said antler in all its majestic glory. Where in the hell did they find that thing?

The Antler Bar is a cocktail bar that is usually either closed or empty.

Town Bike and I believe the space could be better used as a sick bay, or perhaps Pete could live there.

Other suggestions??

Synopsis WE 26/11/06

Well, as you know Town Bike was a little under the weather on Friday night. I did indeed attend the Kylie concert and returned to find Town Bike and another friend of ours who I will call Miss Penelope for lack of anything better to call her, absolutely smashed playing pool on the rather odd relocated pool tables. We have since figured out that the rotation of the pool tables was a ploy to disguise the fact they have removed 4 of the tables. Another Megahole mystery – where did they go and why??? Perhaps when we discover the location of the missing pool tables, we will also find Buck Hunting and Pinball.


Saturday after we spent most of the day recovering, we thought we would do some research on the other pubs in the area. First stop – Mosman Hotel, also known as the ‘Duck’. First thing we noticed was the absolute plethora of young attractive men – aha!! We cried – so this is where they go. The next thing we noticed was a rather extensive menu at reasonable prices – something lacking at the Hole. I think their menu consists of about 4 choices the highlight being baked beans on toast or something.

Next stop – the Oaks. Pricey drinks and apparently they can’t afford limes, which is surprising considering. Anyway, not a bad establishment. Reasonable looking men, although a tad woggy.

Then we decided we had been away from our spiritual home long enough and returned to our ‘Mecca’ if you will. WTF was going on at the Hole Saturday night is beyond me. I think they arranged a loser’s theme party and forgot to inform us. From the outfits – some women looked like Supre threw up on them – to revolting displays of affection between a late 30’s slapper in some kind of beer wench outfit known as Slapporn with a much younger bloke in stubbies and thongs who looked paraletic. All in all the whole night was a car crash of mass proportions. The only thing I can think of that might cause such a dismal night, is that Uncle Pete was away on a fishing trip and unable to monitor things.

Let’s look at a comparison of hotels…..

Mosman Hotel – Saturday 9pm

Cremorne Hotel – Saturday 12pm

I think the pictures speak for themselves!!!

Oh Cremorne Hotel management!!! What are you doing to our spiritual home?

A Night Of Crapulence Was Had By All

Well it certainly was quite an evening last night.

It all started when I skipped off work half an hour early to meet Miss Contradiction for a drink or 10 at 333 bar in the city. Miss Contradiction then went off to the Kylie concert (she is quite the social butterfly) and I got on a bus bound for - yes, you guessed it - Cremorne.

Unfortunately there was a major traffic jam on the bridge and as we all know I was fairly inebriated by this stage so the results weren't going to be pretty.

Did I happen to mention I also suffer from very bad motion sickness? Well, I do. Many a time has Miss Contradiction had to hold my hair back as I vomit on the side of the road after a hard night's drinking.

I don't really remember much of being at the pub. I do know I was very, very drunk. At one stage I went to the toilet and by the time I came back out I had forgotten who I was talking to.

Miss Contradiction appeared like an oasis in the desert later in the night and I was confused because I thought she was supposed to be at a concert. I guess going to the pub was more important for her.

We then proceeded to have a quiet chuckle about Jason and his date for his work Christmas party tonight - he is taking the air conditioner installer from work, no less.

A quick game of pool ensued and I notice that two of the pool tables have been randomly moved around 90 degrees. For what reason I don't know - perhaps management thinks it makes the room more distinguished? Perhaps it is a feng shui thing? Who knows.

I then had to rush home all of a sudden due to a pressing engagment - ie, I had to throw up.

Needless to say I have woken up with a killer hangover today and am about ready to shoot myself in the head.

I think we will head up to The Oaks soon to start again. Apparently I am supposed to be meeting someone for a 'date' tonight which I had entirely forgotten about and don't quite remember arranging. I don't think I'll go, seeing as Bad Smell is apparently still in the state and may catch me in the act.

IDEAS FOR THE "SO-SO BAR" OPENING NIGHT

1. Foam Party
2. Mud / Jelly Wrestling
3. Theme Party - Dress as your favourite Megahole larrikin
4. Boot Scooting
5. Cross Dressing

Please post your ideas for the opening night theme.

Winner gets a giant pair on underpants from the IGA.

PS - Town Bike is currently bikin' around at a boozy lunch and I have to come up with ideas for this blog - all by myself.

Oh! The injustice!!!

Inappropriate People To Take To Parties

In the tradition of 'certain people we know' taking inappropriate people to their work Xmas parties (ie, another man - I'm looking at you Jason, siblings, pieces of paper), here is my list of potential people I may take as my date to my Xmas party.

* My best friend from primary school, whom I haven't seen in 18 years.
* The guy who was driving my bus yesterday afternoon.
* A hobbit.
* A cat.
* A soccer ball with a wig on it and a face drawn on with lipstick.

In fact, I think I might turn up to the pub tonight with a box of tissues as my date.

SEE YOU THERE!!

Don't Let The Door Hit You On Your Way Out!

Well I was all bunkered down for a quiet night last night – a crapulent night of watching Law and Order re-runs on Foxtel, to be precise, followed by bed at 10pm – however even the best laid plans often go awry.

I was startled out of my beauty sleep at 2.30am by my phone ringing. And who should it be but my Bad Smell (called that because he hangs around like one).

Here is a transcript of our conversation.

-----

Town Bike: Hello? What time is it?

Bad Smell: Um, it’s about 2.30. Sorry for waking you.

TB: I better go back to sleep. Talk tomorrow.

BS: No hang on, I was ringing to say goodbye. (If this was The OC, they would play some angsty track by some indie band now, but unfortunately this was not The OC, or Melrose Place, or even South Park, this was real life).

TB: Why where are you going?

BS: I’ve decided that Sydney life isn’t for me and I’m going to head interstate.

TB: Did you really have to call to tell me this at 2.30 in the morning? (Realising he has had another gambling episode – this is not the first time this has happened).

BS: No, I had to tell you now… I need you to tell my sister in the morning. Don’t tell her now, it’s too late to ring anyone.

TB: Right… too late to ring anyone. Where are you going?

BS: I don’t know, I’ll call you when you get there.

TB: I’m not calling anyone for you. You clean up your own mess.

BS: Bye baby, I love you so much.

TB: OK bye

-----

I don’t know if this was for real, but… GOD I HOPE SO!!!! Finally – I’m almost out of my glass case of emotion!!

I woke up this morning and thought of the things I really should have said, if I had been more awake:

So are you asking me for money for your train fare?
Can you wait until morning and I’ll drive you to Central?
Can you take Jason with you?
Does this mean I can sleep with other people?

I have spent the morning chuckling to myself about this little episode. I know I probably shouldn’t find humour in his existential angst, but… WHATEVER!!!

LOOKS LIKE I’M ON THE PROWL THIS WEEKEND… WATCH OUT BOYS!!!

Update: Cremorne Lingo

Crapulence (n): 1. Sickness caused by excessive eating or drinking. 2. Excessive indulgence; intemperance.

USAGE: On Sundays, Mary liked to wallow in her own crapulence.

Jason (n): 1. Classical Mythology. A hero, the leader of the Argonauts, who at the request of his uncle Pelias retrieved the Golden Fleece from King Aeëtes of Colchis with the help of Medea. 2. A male given name: from a Greek word meaning “healer.” 3. The biggest loser in the world, definitely not a healer - more of a giver of pain. 4. A generic term for someone who is an ice addict and a problem gambler.

USAGE: I'm going to hunt Jason down and shoot him in the chest with a speargun, then throw his body into a well.

Megahole (n): 1. A very large hole in the ground. 2. A pub in Cremorne that was once known as the Metropole (see also "eighth wonder of the world"). 3. A woman of loose sexual morals.

USAGE: Seeing Jason at the megahole makes me want to be crapulent.

Titanic (n): 1. A British luxury liner that sank after colliding with an iceberg in the Atlantic on its maiden voyage in April, 1912, with 1517 lives. 2. The nightclub at the Megahole. 3. A woman of loose sexual morals.

USAGE: I'd rather be on the Titanic than in this nightclub right now.

Uncle Pete (n): 1. Godfather of the Megahole. 2. Generically; a woman's ideal man.

USAGE: I want to make slow, passionate love to Uncle Pete.

Wherefore Art Thou Discotheque?

I am on the edge of my seat with anticipation as to what sorry excuse the Cremorne Hotel will come up with for a nightclub.

As is perfectly clear from the Antler Bar, they have completely overestimated their clientele. It’s been tried before, with the opening of the C Lounge, which we all know was a dismal failure. The opening was good - if you got an invite, which was not extended to any locals. Instead they targeted beautiful people who went for the free food and grog and were never seen since.

I myself managed to sneak in with someone else’s invite. They even had fire twirlers – which is a great idea if you have smoke alarms as sensitive as the hole’s.

I think we should have a competition for the naming the nightclub. Previous names have included The Lighthouse and Steps, so obviously an improvement is in order. Pissed Pete’s is an obvious choice, but lacks the refinement that the Hole is so desperately trying to achieve.

Please post your suggestions for the new nightclub.

Winner will receive opening night passes to the nightclub accompanied by Pete.

Everyday Is Blog Day

In the tradition of the Sam And The City blog on www.smh.com.au, I think we should organise a blog meet up in the not too distant future. (Not that we've ever been to one of her blog meet ups, except to sit several tables away and point and stare at all the internet freaks).

However it has just occurred to me that since Miss Contradiction and myself are the only people who read this blog, a blog meet up is really just the two of us sitting at the pub, which happens on a fairly regularly basis.

So I guess everyday is a blog meet up day. Perhaps we could have a blog meet up tonight??

New Years' Eve

According to an unreliable source (ie, my bad smell of an ex-boyfriend), Miss Contradiction and myself are apparently not 'cool' enough to go to the Falls Festival as a member of Michael Franti's entourage.

Despite the fact that he's probably right, can I just add at this point that why my ex-boyfriend wants to be a Michael Franti groupie is beyond me. He is an embarrassment to all my ex-boyfriends everywhere. This may well be the first time I've ever driven a man to homosexual stalking.

But as per usual, the joke's on him. While my beloved bad smell is off getting insects in his underwear whilst camping out in rural Lorne (I had to inform him there are no five-star hotels nearby, or even four-star hotels, though perhaps Mr Franti has a three-star tent), we will be celebrating New Years Eve in style.

We have decided to host a BBQ at an unspecified location. Fuelled by a day's worth of booze, we will then proceed to ignore the fireworks with every ounce of our beings, instead choosing to listen to our beloved mashups (I think we should play Snoop Dogg's "The Next Episode" v Guns and Roses "Paradise City" at midnight - BEST MASHUP EVER).

I informed Miss Contradiction yesterday that I am well and truly nonplussed by the fireworks and simply can't spend another New Years pretending that I am impressed by them.

Trekking into the city - or even down the road - to see the fireworks for yet another year reminds me just how easily impressed some human beings are by shiny pretty things.

I mean HELLO, we're people, not MAGPIES!!!

Duh

IMPORTANT VOTE!!

Who is hotter: Uncle Pete or Billy Joel???

It was a tough call for me, but I think I have to go with Pete (I prefer 'real life' men to Hollywood idols).

Cast your votes here - leave a comment with either Pete or Billy and the winner will be crowned sexiest man in Cremorne.

Important Announcements

It is with great sadness that I have to inform you that Miss Contradiction has been deprived of email and Internet access at work today.

Her boss told her that this is happening because they need to check the networks will hold up in a worst-case scenario, however just between you and me I suspect they just want to stop her using up all the company's cyber resources on emailing and stalking blogs.

In other news, WE ARE GOING TO BILLY JOEL TONIGHT!!!

No, he's not playing in the piano bar at the megahole... WE'RE REALLY SEEING HIM!!

WE LOVE YOU BILLY!!!!

Banned From The Pub: The New Black?

It has come to our attention that getting banned from the pub is the new pastime du jour for the regulars and semi-regulars of Cremorne.

Perhaps after years of spending TOO MUCH time at the pub, many familiar faces feel that the only way to improve on spending every waking moment at the Megahole is to be denied entry altogether.

Here’s our tribute to those who have gone before us into banning paradise, and those who really should be banned.

The recently banned

Stalker (does anyone know his real name? – Peter and some Polish last name that sounds suspiciously like 'smorgasboard', we have just been told): For services rendered to the stalking community and giving so much excitement to all the locals of Cremorne.

Rocket Rod: For being a lascivious arseclown. With him gone, who will comment on our chests and/or lovely red lips? Or remind us that “these fists have hit women before”. Very attractive behaviour indeed and almost certain to get a girl in the sack.

Andy: For getting into a fight with Missingham.

Missingham: For getting into a fight with Andy.

Danny: For getting into a fight with Panda.

Panda: For getting into fights with everybody.


Those who should be banned

Rachel (2NDSWM): Because she has lego hair and used to go out with Jason, rending her unfit to be alive.

Jason (AKA Dave Gray; Faggotini; Russell Crowe): Because he is Jason, and (ir)relevant. Plus he wears an ugly overcoat and looks like an extra who has been ejected from the set of Romper Stomper.

Kylie & Jen: Does this really need an explanation? I think not.

Uncle Pete: Just so he goes home sometime. Actually he gets a mini ban every night so maybe this is a little extreme. But all is forgiven come beer-o-clock the next day – ie, 3pm on weekdays and 11am on weekends – and he's back in the pub, greeting the new sunrise with a fresh schooie.

Becky: See above.

Miss Contradiction and Town Bike: So we can be up with the trend.

Petition: Bring Back Buck Hunting At The Megahole!

I was shocked and saddened recently when I noticed that the Buck Hunting video game, in which you channel your inner redneck by shooting at animals on a screen, was REMOVED from the so-called 'Real Man's Room' at the Megahole several weeks ago.

Think about it: how can these 'Real Men' express their virility without having electronic animals to shoot at?

How can Miss Contradiction and myself get in touch with out inner Ellie-May Clampetts without sending the occasional on-screen deer to animal heaven?

What will I use to keep myself focused after downing sixty gallons of champagne?

Bring it back, I say! BACK!

Blog My Pretties, Blog!

I am quite excited about our dramatic entry into the world of blogging.

Hopefully we can get involved in some hilarious cyber shenanigans that we can reminisce about while sharing a quiet 'schooie' or two at the pub.

Perhaps we may even attract our own stalkers out of it - who knows!

We can only hope!

Disabled? I Think Not!

As Town Bike may have mentioned. The disabled toilets at the hole are a must for any suspicious activities you may have in mind.The beauty being that absolutely no one knows they are there. Except for Pete. He knows everything.

It can also be quite romantic in the right lighting.

Top 10 Reasons Why Cremorne Really IS The New Black

10. More pubs and bottle shops per capita than any other suburb on the lower North Shore.
9. The punch-ons and stalkings flow free and fast.
8. More faux bisexuality and lesbianism than you can poke a stick at.
7. $5 cocktails at the RSL.
6. The women are loose 'n' easy.
5. Uncle Pete - need I say more?
4. The footpaths are quite adequate.
3. No matter where you look, you can always find some idiot to keep you entertained.
2. The disabled toilets at the Metropole.

And the number 1 reason why Cremorne is the new black is...

1. BECAUSE JASON DOESN'T LIVE ANYWHERE NEAR HERE!!

HURRAY FOR LIFE!!!

Welcome to our Blog

Well we finally have our own blog, and don't need to rely on causing punch on's at the SATC blog.

Might be a bit lonely without the 'gang'...you know, Patrick, Suzie the Stripper & Blonde Contradiction.

Might have to get a few BSWC staff posting on our blog.

Exciting News!

I have something very exciting to share with you all!

No, I'm not pregnant, that's just a beer belly. This morning when I was taking my early morning constitutional, ie walking to work up Rangers Road, who happened to drive past me in a council truck but PETE!

What a way to start your week! He leaned out the window and gave me a thumbs up and a very cheery "HOW YA GOING GROOVER!"

Yay Pete!

Cremorne Really Is The New Black

I should know - I truly am the height of all fashion.

More to follow WHEN I AM FEELING CREATIVE AND NOT HUNGOVER!