Cookies And Cream Ice Cream: Better Than Sex?

I vote yes. My hips vote no.

In other news, the hole was quite boring last night. There was a severe lack of the colourful and interesting random characters who tend to pop up and make the night entertaining.

One event of note was the appearance of Mr Tastic in a striking apricot wifebeater, the likes of which has never been seen in polite company before. It gave rise to a number of witty comments, such as 'Peaches and Cream Barbie called, she wants her colour scheme back' and 'I've still got the apricots for you' etc etc. As you can imagine this was very funny, but only for about five minutes, after which it got to be quite annoying and I had to threaten violence if anymore apricot-themed jokes were made.

The night was also characterised by a plethora of pseudo intellectual conversations, such as the Roman Catholic Church's Inquisition, the Latin language and Shakespeare. Really a typical night in Academia via the megahole.

I look forward to NYE tomorrow night to see where the night takes Miss Contradiction and myself. Now I have to go and eat a tub of ice cream and watch Law and Order SVU. Yes it is hard having this much of a social life. (Does talking to the guy at the bottle shop across the road count as having a social life?)

Pointless Websites And Other Trivial Matters

Well Christmas has come and gone for another year. Bad Smell finally cracked and bought me a Christmas present after more than 2.5 years of knowing each other. Now I can finally count on two fingers the number of presents he has ever bought me. Good going.

In other news, have you seen the 'OFFICIAL WEB SITE THINGY' for the So-So-Bar? If not, click here. (It was on the invite for the opening night.)

No, that's not your computer playing up. There is NOTHING ON THE PAGE except for a bit of text saying info@sobar.com.au. Now I'm not a web designer, but as far as I know, you shouldn't create a page with nothing on it to advertise a business. It is annoying and is likely to drive customers away.

I mean, couldn't they have even made the email address so you can click on it to send an email? Instead you have to type the email address into the 'to' field yourself if you want to send an email. Screw that. Typing is for jerks.

I also note that they have chosen purple as the official colour for the So-So-Bar, as it is present on both the invite and the web site. A quick scan of the internet reveals that purple is the colour of royalty. I don't know who management is trying to kid, but royalty is very unlikely to ever darken the door of the hole. Or even anyone vaguely important, for that matter. Though I did see Angela Bishop having dinner there one night a few years ago.

Another meaning of the colour purple is riches or money. Hence it follows that the only possible explanation for this colour being chosen as So-So-Bar's official shade is that the company that was hired to redesign it was allowed to pick the colour and $1.8 million later, they are having a laugh at management's expense.

Hole Update

Well Miss Contradiction can't do the hole update this week as she doesn't have a computer so I'll step in briefly.

I dropped in for a few drinks last night to meet the Contradiction-meister before a family Christmas meal thingy at Peppercorn (Miss C couldn't make it as she had an important date with the Muppet's Christmas Carol on TV).

And the big talking point of the night is that Uncle Pete's ban is not for one month, but for LIFE!

What-the fuck-ever!!

You know what my feelings are on this matter so I won't say anymore.

Bad Smell turned up after work and he and Nathan the bouncer spent half an hour reminiscing about blokes from school. All their names seemed to end in 'o' so there was Bizzo, Bloke-o, Wazzo, Smello, etc etc. Apparently Bad Smell was in the first 15 for rugby (whatever the hell that means) and Nathan the bouncer was in the second 15. Bad Smell is 3 years younger than Nathan. Ha ha ha.

Anyway Nathan eventually gave us a double entry pass for the weekend opening of So-So-Bar (even though he gave it to Smell Boy, I snatched it off him and am planning on taking Miss C). It apparently allows free drinks and food between 8 and 10pm and lists the DJs who will be playing, none of which I have heard of.

It also says on the invite that it's open until 'fashionably late'. Excuse me, but I don't think the megahole is licensed to use the word 'fashion' in any way, shape or form.

I am looking forward to going to the opening and having a gander at this mythical nightclub. I'll take my laptop with me and do a live report from the night. Ok maybe I won't do that.

Oh yeah. Merry Christmas etc.

Greetings from the U.K

As foreign correspondent I apologise for my lack of correspondence.

Well It's 3pm on Saturday (2am Sat/Sun in the Cremorne). My feeling is that Miss Contradiction and Town Bike are probably sitting in the hole waiting for the So So bar to open so they have something different to do. I am still very upset to learn the news that the spiritual leader has been banned from his home. Where does he spend his time now. There surely must be a void. What was so bad that he got banned for a month. Was it the walking around with no shoes on, while telling everyone to "get out" slurping away at his V.B. Or did he do something more drastic like try to shag the barmaids?? I am so glad I am not there to witness such a tragic event. My 11.30 am sunday drinking partner is gone.

Well I found a new bar last night called "apres" - it was certaintly not the "hole". I proceeded to get very drunk there and ran into some random I used to work with 10 yrs ago (I worked at a Supermarket!!). I'm glad to see his life has not changed at all. I should introduce him to the hole and he can become a deadbeat there instead.
To my horror at 2 am, they asked me to leave because the bar was closing. HELLO. Do they not know I am used to an establishment that stays open till 5am. Probably a good job as when i got home, my brother and his girlfriend were crashed out in my bed and I climbed into bed next to my Mum. Poor thing. I hope I didn't snore/dribble/put my arm around her.
I do at one point remember trying to talk to Miss Contradiction. It always seems like a good idea when you are drunk to phone people, but being on the other side of the world, when I'm drunk, Miss Contradiction is just getting up. Sorry.

Anyway, enough babble from me. Until next time...................

Banning Update

I almost forgot the news story of the decade: UNCLE PETE HAS BEEN BANNED FROM THE HOLE FOR A MONTH.

Absolutely disgraceful - how can you evict a man from his home like that.

You can bet your boob job he's not happy about this.

So-So-Bar: Not A Sure Thing

Following on from the revelation that the So-So-Bar is being advertised on poles around town with the slogan "It's a Lower North Sure Thing", I am beginning to wonder if anyone else has noticed the irony in this statement.

I mean come on, the nightclub has been under renovation for about six months now and as far as I can see it is very far from being a "sure thing".

Perhaps the tag line "It's a Lower North Maybe Next Year Sometime Thing" or even "It's a Lower North Not Likely to Happen Thing" would have been appropriate.

However after seeing the general media strategy of the hole in action, I guess it's not really that surprising at all.

For fuck's sake "It's a Lower North Sure Thing", what does that even mean anyway? What's a Lower North Shore Thing?? The only things that most people associate with the Lower North Shore are boat shoes, blokes in turned up collars and chicks with oversized handbags: none of which are good things to have associated with your suburb.

And speaking of the Oaks (were we?), Bad Smell Boy and I drifted up there yesterday for a mid-afternoon drinking and pool session and I decided to put some tunes on the jukebox. However I found that the only CD in the whole jukebox you can put on is Bryan Ferry and Roxy Music. The rest of the CDs are 'disallowed' apparently.

While I don't mind Bryan Ferry and Roxy Music in small doses, there is only so many times you can listen to 'More Than This' and 'Jealous Guy' without needing immediate assistance at the nearest psychiatric unit.

Dear Miss Contradiction

Why were you blubbering about your cat at the pub last night?

Bad Smell informs me I was mostly behaving myself. However I did have a small lapse in the pokie room at about 12:30am when two guys in matching head sweatband thingies walked in and I yelled "Olivia Newton John in Xanadu called, she wants her look back". Apparently I almost got us into a fight. Whoops.

Oh well, off to get my eyelashes permed now, have fun at work! ha ha ha.

Leggings: The Ugliest Thing Ever?

Well I have nothing left to say about the hole as I haven't been there all week so I guess I will have to talk about my other great love: fashion. After all, I DO manage to carry off an ugly bright blue skirt with flowers on it coupled with a hot pink wifebeater on top so only a handful of people are laughing at me.

In particular, I would like to talk about one trend that really gets my goat: leggings.

I firmly believe that leggings are the work of the devil. I am so sick of seeing every girl and her cat wearing leggings teamed with an ugly sack of a dress on top, just because Nicole Lohan or Lindsay Ritchie or Fugly Hilton or whoever the hell it was wore it once.

Let me get one thing straight: leggings are NOT flattering. They never have been flattering, they never will be. The only time when wearing leggings is acceptable is when you are a five-year-old jazz ballet student. Not when you are a grown woman.

Leggings stop at the most unflattering part of your leg: the mid-calf. When something stops at the fattest part of your leg, it makes your legs look fat. FACT. And while this is ok if you are a skinny girl, this is quite obviously tragic when worn by a heiffer.

I mean, what the fuck is the point of leggings, anyway? They don't achieve anything - they don't keep you warm, they don't hold anything in, they don't cover your boobs... their only function is seemingly to look stupid and tell the world 'HI, THE PERSON WHO IS WEARING ME IS DELUSIONAL AND RIPPED OFF HER LOOK FROM A CLEO MAGAZINE'.

This is particularly true when paired up with massive handbag, giant novelty sunglasses (you know the ones I'm talking about) and a dress that looks like a hessian sack. And the sack is tied up with a belt that looks like a piece of rope. UM, HELLO, ELLIE MAY CLAMPETT CALLED, SHE WANTS HER LOOK BACK!!

To sum up, the only looks you can achieve while wearing leggings are:

* Ellie May Clampett hillbilly chic
* Arty beat poet
* Bag lady
* Leftover jazz ballet student from the 1980s
* Fashion victim

NONE OF WHICH ARE GOOD LOOKS!!! PARTICULARLY ON LOWER NORTH SHORE FASHION TRAGICS!!!

The next time I see someone wearing a pair of leggings, I am going to use their own leggings to give them the wedgie of a lifetime. Oh the irony - defeated by your own leggings.

It's the only way they'll learn.

Well, Well, Well

Someone has just been given tomorrow off, so my two week holiday has just been extended to two weeks and one day.

Awesome. Usually I try not to get too crapulent on a Thursday night so I can get up and pump some iron in the morning and still make it to work, however I think I may get myself very, very, very drunk tonight.

Don't despair about the blog being on hiatus for two weeks - Miss Contradiction and I can update from my place, so you never have to miss a moment of our incredibly boring and uneventful lives!

Things To Do At Work When You're Incredibly Bored...

And it's your last week and you can't be bothered doing any work because that's next year's problem, but you want things to do so you still look like you're working:

* Get a notepad and roughly jot down outfits you can wear for the key dates of the festive season (such as Boxing Day trivia at the pub and getting drunk with the family on Christmas day), complete with shoes and accessories.

* Research new types of drinks on the internet that you can get hammered on over the break. Make rough notes on which ones have the highest alcohol % so you're not wasting your time with some amateur stuff.

* Read celebrity gossip sites and shake your head at the celebs who spend their weekends dressed up like hookers, binge drinking and taking drugs - who the hell would do something like that?

* Reminisce about how you popped a "bizzo" (wink wink) towards the end of last year's Christmas family gathering out of sheer boredom and Bad Smell had to keep trying to explain your erratic behaviour to 80-year-old father and other assorted relatives.

* Stalk a friend via email.

* Stalk various web chat forum thingies and leave threatening messages.

* Pretend you're listening to your annoying co-worker.

* Type strongly-worded emails to other co-workers about annoying co-worker and how you wish she would hurry up and get fired.

* Think about how off your face you were last weekend and reminisce about the good times (what you can remember of them).

* Search internet for memory enhancing exercises as last weekend's substance abuse has led to short-term memory problems.

* Make lists on your blog.

* Look at the minutes pass on your computer's clock and wish they would hurry up.

* Think about getting drunk.

Suggestions For Outfits For Opening Night Of New Nightclub

We always like to make a statement with our clothes.

So here is the shortlist for potential outfits for us for the opening night of new nightclub ("So-So-Bar"):

• Top hat and cane
• Ball gown
• A cape
• Nappy and baby's bonnet with giant novelty lollipop
• Dracula costume
• Stubbies, wifebeater and thongs
• High-cut leotard complete with belt, sweatbands, bad 80s perm and cameltoe, a la Olivia Newtown John in 'Physical'
• A groucho marx disguise kit
• A dress made entirely out of beer coasters
• A chicken suit

Trivial Pubsuit

I just received a VIP text message from the hole informing us all that trivia is back at the pub tonight.

IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME!! The last time we played trivia there was... my God... three and a half years ago? And it was on a Wednesday night... and we never won, despite cheating extensively.

I want to go to this because I rock at trivia (because I have an extensive database of useless facts and figures stored in my brain - in fact the database is the only thing in my brain that is yet to be destroyed by years of substance abuse), however I don't want to get too crapulent during my last week of work as I am already turning into a bloated alcoholic a la Lindsay Lohan.

Here's to hoping they have it on next Tuesday (Boxing Day) while we're on holidays as I will be there with bells on. And I will wipe the floor with everyone else's arses. However this will involve not drinking as I tend to forget things / ramble / exaggerate / repeat myself when I'm drunk.

GAME ON!

Hole Update WE 17/12/2006

Ok, ok…I know my update is late.

Problem is I don’t remember much of the weekend due to sheer crapulence.

I had my Xmas party on Friday, so only dropped in to our fave establishment briefly. Town Bike was completely off her face when I got there and was talking in a rare dialect of Swahili.

Saturday we had our inaugural rival Xmas lunch. Fun and merriment was had by all – except for our spiritual leader Pete who could not tear himself away from his spiritual home. Such dedication I am sure you will agree. So we headed back to join him at the megahole.

We did however manage to make him wear a fetching santa hat – it was quite remarkable his resemblance to bad santa (aka Billy Bob).

Saturday night is really just a massive blur. Town Bike piked at 1.30 and I ended up talking crap for around 6 hours to random people. What I was rambling about is a complete mystery.

I stumbled back there around 1pm Sunday until around 7 when I had to pass out on something.

In other news, Miss Penelope has left the country for 4 weeks….I miss my partner in crime. However I do believe she will be our foreign correspondent whilst she is away.

God love her….

Does The Nightclub Really Exist?

I am beginning to wonder if the nightclub is just a figment of our imaginations.

I think management is stringing us along as we eagerly anticipate the opening of the new nightclub - purely to keep us coming back in the hope that perhaps that night it might be open.

For crap's sake, it doesn't take four months to renovate a room that size (unless, of course, the first two months were spent fumigating and de-stickifying the floors).

I mean, what are they doing, growing the cotton from scratch so they can weave the carpet?

While the uncarpeted stairs and plasterboarded walls suggest something may well be going on inside, there is nothing to say that it's not part of the scam. (By the way, doesn't having exposed wires in a public area violate occupational health and safety regulations in some way? One would have thought so. But then again, so does having poo in the ice, and that never stopped the hole before).

Am I the first one to call the Emperor's New Clothes on the nightclub? Is the whole elaborate sham beginning to unravel? Will Pete ever get his teeth fixed? Only time will tell...

Where's My Update, Contradiction?

Where's the weekend update?

We all got a bit 'over excited' on Saturday night (and by 'bit over excited', I actually mean 'very off our faces'), and consequently can remember very little of the night.

I'm not actually sure where I was for half of it.

I'm relying on the update to fill in certain gaps in my memory.

I need to get out the hole

Ok....I have some very serious concerns over my health. The last 3 nights in a row I have not left the hole before 1am. It's a trap....it sucks you in and finally spits you out a few hours later in a different state than when you went in. Please help me. Maybe I should get myself barred.

Extra! Extra! Local Pub Kicks Out Drunken Yobbo!

Well I was just thumbing through the Mosman Daily on my lunch hour (yes, I was very bored) and I noticed that everyone’s favourite local dive has scored a write up on page 4.

Just to fill you in, the story was explaining that Cremorne Hotel is winning kudos from local wowsers for taking a tough stance on ejecting drunk people. It was accompanied by a nice photo of some guy sitting in the Antler Bar, staring contemplatively into the camera.

My initial thoughts were, in no particular order:

1. This is not page 4 news, or news at all, actually;
2. The reason why fewer drunk people have been spied in the pub recently is probably because no one goes there anymore; and
3. Why am I reading the Mosman Daily?

But I digress. I really have something to say here about the media strategy of the hole. You see, having worked in local newspapers many moons ago (okay it was last year), I happen to know that these sorts of stories are usually generated by a phone call from the subject of the story to said newspaper.

Okay, all well and good, you say. And I agree – partially. I’m all for tipping off the media to your whereabouts (it really wouldn’t be a Saturday night without the paparazzi stalking you), however there are only certain stories you want in print.

Yes. Showing that they’re getting tough on drunks creates goodwill in the local community. Which can be handy when you’re trying to push something through in front of council or whatever. But on a basic level, the pub is not in danger of losing its licence any time soon because it's been there for centuries or decades or whatever. In fact I think Captain Cook used to drink there. It's an Australian tradition.

Now, let me explain – every product has a core target market. Not just a target market, but a CORE market WITHIN the target market. And you don’t want to piss off your target market, especially when your business is apparently going through a rough patch.

Now clearly the core target market of the hole is drunken yobbos and pub pond life. Not the 18-year-old Oxford St crowd who come once a fortnight after a big night and sip on a Bacardi Breezer and several glasses of water because they’re pilling off their faces. Nor is the target market the 60-year-old teetotalers who pick up the Mosman Daily and go “it’s about time they did something about it”. They are never going to have a sudden change of heart and descend into a life of alcohol and pokie abuse at the hole.

Doesn’t matter how you dress it up with fancy wallpaper and bizarre looking horn decorations, that’s a fact. Always has been, always will be.

Local yobbos don’t want to pick up the Mosman Daily and read that they are in danger of being kicked out of their favourite haunt. In this case, the hole’s silence on the matter would have said far more. It would have said: WE STILL LOVE YOU, LOCAL DEADBEATS!! YOU’VE GOT A HOME HERE!! PLEASE COME AND DRINK OUR BEER!! AND PUT YOUR MONEY INTO OUR POKIES!!

I don’t know who is currently directing the hole’s media strategy, but I would like to volunteer myself for the job. Because you see I have ACTUAL MEDIA EXPERIENCE, unlike whoever is handling it at the moment.

Also I know the product very well, since I have been hanging around there all of my adult life and even a couple of years of my pre-adult life. I care very much for the pub and would love to see it returned to its glory days of trashy nihilism. Yes, it might have been trashy and yes, perhaps you wanted to kill yourself while you were sitting slumped on the couches in the pool hall, but at least it was busy then!!

However I also have unrealistic salary expectations and would require a full-time personal assistant and masseuse, so perhaps it’s all just a pipe dream.

C’est la vie.

C Lounge Xmas Carol

'Jingle bells, C Lounge smells, who'll get barred today. Danny's back - Pete sells crack, stalkers gone away- hey!'

'Dashing to the Crow, in a big blue limosine, it really is a bus, but the driver looks real mean. Sat next to a dag, who tried to steal my bag, I punched the twit across the chops and now at rehab - oooooooooooooh, la la la la la la'

Another pearler from Bubbles - you may remember her from such posts as 'Cremorne Barbie'

Feel free to put forward suggestions for the next lines in the song.

Best entry will win an induvidualy wrapped Tim Tam from the pokie room...

IDEA FOR SO-SO-BAR

I have formulated an awesome idea for the new SoSoBar or whatever it's called.

I think they should have a mash up night once a week, where NOTHING BUT MASH UPS are played.

As I now have over 200 mash ups on my laptop, with that figure growing by the day, I would be quite happy to volunteer my services as DJ.

Miss Contradiction can be my offsider. We can be known as DJ Konstipation (with a backwards capital K) and DJ Kontradiction (backwards capital K).

I am so eager to share the goodness of mash ups with the general population that I would happily DO THIS FOR FREE. Maybe for a few free drinks and sexual favours from groupies.

I guarantee you, this would be a very popular night. Mash ups are awesome - everyone who hears them falls under their spell.

MASH UPS!

Cremorne Barbie - The Perfect Gift this Xmas

In deference to Bubbles (formerly Bubbles2Go – but I have decided that blog name is too long) and her moving prose about Cremorne Barbie, the contributors to this blog decided to make our very own Cremorne Barbie. As luck would have it, our other spiritual home (IGA) sells homebrand type Barbie knock off’s for $6.

I think you will all agree that with a $6 barbie, a pair of scissors, and a lot of hard work and imagination – we came up with a stunning likeness. I am sure Mattel will be offering us untold wads of cash for this little number in the hopes of getting it out in shops before Xmas.

Now all we need is a $6 Ken doll and we can dress him in a wifebeater and a flannie and you will have the perfect pair.

I am sure she will become a best seller!!

What The F*&k Is This S*&t?

Link: http://www.hotelcremorne.com.au/18889.html

No seriously, WHAT THE FUCK IS IT??

I have never seen a more unprofessional web page, nor, quite frankly, an uglier one during all my years sufing the internerd.

I mean who designed it, my three year old nephew?? Gee, I didn't know he was in the web design business these days.

A few questions:

* Why is the text justified right in the first text block, then left in the second?
* Who told my web designing nephew that red and mint green go well together? Um, hello, it's a web page thingy on the interdork, not Santa's workshop. Red and green should never be seen.
* Why is the bird on the moose's back holding an umbrella? WHY??? Is the poor widdle birdy afraid of getting wet?? Then perhaps it should consider an alternate career... as, say, an office manager. Did they get that photo from Microsoft Word Clip Art?
* The last sentence doesn't make sense. "...enjoy with friends for any occasion" implies that your friends are "for any occasion". So what, you have friends who are for specific occasions? Does that mean like fuck buddies or something? Drinking buddies? This sentence should read "enjoy with friends ON any occasion". Geez. Bad grammar gets my knickers in a knot.

Anyway, I am glad I'm using my English degree for good instead of evil.

Have a nice day.

Ideas For An 'S' Theme Party

Well apparently we are all invited to an 's' theme party on New Years' Eve. Miss Contradiction and I have been racking our brains thinking of things we can come dressed as starting with the letter 's'. Actually Miss Contradiction has been racking her brain, I'm still in shock that I was actually invited somewhere.

There are some obvious choices for an 's' theme party:

* Slapporn (come with no pants and no underwear and you're set).
* Stalker (we can just come as ourselves, or someone with a flowerpot attached to their bum).
* Slut (see above).
* Screw loose (see above).
* Smurf (no thanks).
* Senior citizen (yeah, like I really need to try and make myself look OLDER on New Years' Eve, which is prime picking up time. Good suggestion Miss Contradiction! Not).
* Smacked out (note to self: consult Canada with regards to costume inspiration for this one).

I give up. I think I'll just come as a slut.

A Very Special Day Tomorrow!

I would like to alert you all to the fact that it is a VERY SPECIAL DAY TOMORROW.

An important birthday, in fact. Yes that's right - the blog turns one month old tomorrow!

Hopefully you can all take time out of your busy schedules to think about all the good times you've shared with the blog tomorrow. To think that as little as six weeks ago the blog wasn't even part of any of our lives - well it just blows your mind to see how far we've come.

There will be a party at the badge draw tomorrow to celebrate this momentous event. Pete will jump out of a cake and sing 'happy birthday, Mr President'.

I can't wait! I'm like a proud parent planning their only daughter's 21st birthday.

How will YOU be celebrating the birth of our messiah tomorrow?

Megahole: The Movie

Miss Contradiction and I have decided that the Megahole really is worthy of its own Hollywood blockbuster movie. Here's our notes from a rough brainstorming session we held yesterday.

------
INTRO: From the team that bought you Spice World and Water Rats: The Movie, comes this summer's hottest blockbuster, MEGAHOLE: THE MOVIE.

CAST:

Uncle Pete ................... Brad Pitt
Town Bike ................... Angelina Jolie
Miss Contradiction .... Catherine Zeta Jones
Miss Penelope ............ Kate Hudson
Canada ........................ Adam Sandler
'Rocket' Rod ............... Robert De Niro
Peter 'Stalker' ............ Johnny Depp
Mr Spanky ................. Vin Diesel

PLOT:

None. Any movie about the hole does not have a plot by default.

Here's a picture of Pete and I dancing up a storm at the opening of the So-Bar nightclub:



HOT

The Spiritual De-Pantsing Of Jason The Crackhead

Well I do hate to kick a dog when he's down - unless that dog happens to be Jason, who as you all know is one of my nemises.

I have just received word that Jason was arrested for drink driving last night and spent the night in Kings Cross lock up.

Apparently he blew 0.15 - which all you drivers out there will know is THREE TIMES THE LEGAL LIMIT.

Can I also point out that this is the THIRD time he has been done for drink driving - in fact he got his licence back less than a year ago.

Stupid people just never learn, do they.

The delicious irony of the situation is that Jason just took out a loan a month or two ago - which he really can't afford - to buy a $40,000 car. AND NOW HE CAN'T DRIVE IT. He he.

It will be interesting to see how he manages the commute from Liverpool to Alexandria each day without a car.

I hope they lock him up and throw away the key.

Bet that well isn't looking like such a bad option now, eh Jason?

SUCKED IN YOU LOSER EVERYBODY HATES YOU!! WHY DON'T YOU HAVE ANOTHER CONE!!! BOO HOO

Suggestion For The Hole

I would like to suggest that the hole follows the lead of other reputable institutions in the area (such as the Greenwood and the Commodore) and hands out free champagne, cocktails and food on a Friday afternoon.

Miss Contradiction and I would step over our own grandmothers to get a freebie and would appreciate this very much.

Unfortunately, at this point the only free things you get from the hole include:

• Biscuits from the gaming room
• Depression
• Faeces in the ice
• A drinking problem

Free things as a whole are good, except for those listed above.

Random Items of Clothing

Miss Penelope and myself managed to obliterate ourselves at (you guessed it!) The Hole last night.

I don't remember getting home but my flatmate assures me I was walking around in circles when I got home.

Miss Penelope managed to end up in the Piano Bar wearing a hula skirt. She has no idea where it came from and neither does anyone else.

It reminded me of the time, many years ago when I managed to stumble home wearing a red feather boa. I am not sure where that came from either. I think Town Bike might have pinched it from the nightclub - but I can't be too sure.

Where do these random items of clothing come from and why? Will I wake up tomorrow wearing a chicken suit or a top hat and cane?

It is truly a mystery.....

Welcome Mr Spanky!

Welcome to the blog Mr Spanky. I'm so pleased you worked out how to add comments.

Hopefully when you've proved your blogging stripes, we can add you as a contributor.

It would be nice to have correspondents posting from all 63 corners of the pub.

Please let us know if there is anything we can do to make your stay more comfortable.

Just a quick post from me. There is a rerun of Law and Order about to start on Foxtel that I've only seen twice before and I really should watch it again.

Hello? Is It Me You're Looking For?

To paraphrase Bob Dylan, 'where have all the blog stalkers gone?'

Damn you blog stalkers.... DAMN YOU TO HELL!!

We are not doing this for our own benefit... we are doing it to reap attention and praise onto ourselves!! And possibly sexual favours!!

If the stalkers disappear, then maybe we will fade back into the bizzaro world!!

THEN YOU'LL BE SORRY!!

Question: if a blog is posted on a deserted site and no one is around to read it, does it make a sound?

Think about it!

Badge Draw Update 6/12/06

As usual, I didn't win the badge draw. In fact no one did. To date they have handed out in excess of 700 badges. Every man and his dog/cat/horse/meerkat has one. Including some dude who popped in once on his way home to Dapto.

Whatever.

Marty's joke as always made up for this fact. For those of you who could not make it, the joke went as follows;

Q: Why was the Sherriff scared of the Cremorne Hotel?

A: Because it has the quickest draw.

That joke is so bad I can't even think of anything funny to say about it......

I notice that only one of you have taken advantage of the Agony Aunts post. All I can say is, if you do not wish to take advantage of our wealth of knowledge in all things crapulent then so be it.

Your loss groovers!

Blogtastic

Just a note to say that I have changed the look of the blog to make it a little more work friendly.

Somehow I don't think bright pink screams "I'm doing work, really".

So now you don't need to worry about the boss sneaking up behind you.

ENJOY!

Merry Christmas! Not

Well it’s been good to see that the hole has ‘gone all out’ in preparing for Christmas again.

And by ‘gone all out’, I actually mean ‘done very little’.

Exhibit A: the lone Christmas tree in the corner, as evidenced in the photograph above. I say ‘lone’ because you’ll notice there are NO ACTUAL PEOPLE SITTING IN THIS PHOTOGRAPH. And this was at around 10pm on a Saturday night. SHAMEFUL.

It’s funny how the Christmas tree appears to be sitting whimsically by the window, looking out on the road and dreaming about its escape. I’ve seen that look from many locals over the years. Including myself.

It would be deceptive if you were a non-local walking past on the street and saw that Christmas tree in the window. You’d think ‘wow that place that looks cosy and full of good cheer for the festive season. I might pop in there for a drink.’ Boy you’d be wrong.

I may even splash out and buy the hole some tinsel to get a bit more festive. Perhaps they can wrap some around Pete. Or staple it onto the TAB tickets or something.

And while we’re on the topic of Christmas: Bad Smell, if you are reading this blog entry thingy, PLEASE RETURN MY CHRISTMAS TREE AND DECORATIONS STAT. You may have gotten to keep most of our shared things in the divorce – and even some of my things, such as clothes and underwear – but you are not getting the fucking Christmas decorations.

And you are not getting custody of the cat either. So stop asking. No family court in its right mind would give you custody of a living, breathing thing. Or an inanimate object either, for that matter.

P.S. Apologies for the dark image. I am too lazy to open Photoshop today. But you all know what that damn tree looks like.

Agony Aunts

Ok people....time to give something back!! Now we know you are visiting our site (why? - because we know EVERYTHING) - but you are not posting. Town Bike and myself are getting thoroughly sick of each other and would like opinions from other people.

So I have decided to introduce this agony aunt post. Ask us anything about ourselves, life, the universe, the hole. Absolutely anything. We promise to answer in our own unique rambling fashion.

Basically our goal is to be picked up by Google, and if we have enough hits, we may even surpass the Cremorne Hotel in terms of search result order.

So get posting and make our site No. 1!! Tell your friends, tell your family, tell random men dressed in chicken suits.

Just get cracking people - STAT!

Why You Shouldn’t Make Life Decisions Based On Information Provided To You By Free Psychics At Boozy Work Functions

In case you missed it, I recently attended a work function where part of the entertainment was free psychics.

Well being a very spiritual person (not) I most definitely had to give this a go.

She told me that the current romantic situation is bad for me (duh, anyone could tell that about Bad Smell, maybe it was the look of pain on my face when she said the word ‘boyfriend’ that gave it away) and that I will be in a relationship with my soul mate by June (I presume she means June 2007, but you never know).

Well I never. Not only am I unlikely to ever meet a ‘soul mate’ due to my extremely erratic behaviour and personality (no one can put up with me), I don’t particularly WANT a soul mate.

Trapped with one person for the rest of my life? I don’t think so.

It was annoying that the psychic couldn’t provide me with a name, phone number and address, because I really feel like hunting this soul mate down with an air rifle. Actually it would be cool if Jason was my soul mate because then I could 'kill' two losers with one stone.

However I would take whatever this psychic said with a grain of salt. She also told me Miss Contradiction is my spiritual guide in this life, however we all know that the only spirits Miss C guides are from her glass to her mouth.

What the Hell is Going on with this #@*&% Nightclub?

Well the original opening date of October 28 has well and truly come and gone.

Since then we have been told the:

• 15th December (random blog stalker)
• NYE (Bouncer)
• 11th January (Goldilocks the employee)

I am beginning to despair that this nightclub will ever open.

Pete is going to be really upset about this.

Mark my words.

Hole Update WE 02/12/2006 - sheesh it's up already!!! Get your pants on

Well it was another fun filled week at the hole.
Friday we actually didn’t turn up until around 10 because we gate crashed one of Town Bike’s corporate do’s. Lots of free grog and alcohol ***see vulture picture above*** (we tend to circle maniacally when anything free is on offer). Guess what? Not a soul in sight. Well we briefly spotted Miss Penelope’s boyfriend, who I will call Mr. Esquire. That, my dear bloggers, was it in terms of yocals. Anyway having been plied with "Jager-bombs" at the free function, we were suddenly seeing 3 of everything and exited stage left.

Saturday was marginally more eventful. After staying in to watch Garfield (excellent film – I give it a 8/10 – mostly because he does a soulful rendition of New York State of Mind that our mate Billy would be proud of). We teetered over to the hole in our stilleto’s. We had a brief sit on the fashion couch and then we played pool and got freebies on the juke box.

We then were coerced in to attending some random’s birthday bash in the Antler Bar that we all know and love. He was quite keen on our very own Town Bike and this other random person who I used to work with and had a school girl type crush on magically materialised even though he is supposed to be in Melbourne. Of course we all know the best tactic to take is TO TELL SAID OBJECT OF YOUR CRUSH ALL ABOUT IT!! NOT.

Suffice to say, what seemed like a good idea WHILST OFF ONE’S FACE does not always seem like such a crash hot idea in the COLD HARSH LIGHT OF DAY. However I digress, enough about me.

We somehow managed to end up downstairs after some sort of technical difficulty in the pool hall causing them to close it (yeah whatever) and played the pokies for lack of anything better to do and stumbled home, shoe-less in the pouring rain at 4.30. Yes, we are a classy pair.

All in all another non eventful week….not even any false fire alarms or bannings to report.

The De-Blogging Of Miss Contradiction

Well I must admit that I am considering kicking Miss Contradiction off the blog.

She only has one regular gig per week - a round up of the weekend - and she can't even do that!!

How am I supposed to entertain myself before I have to leave at 3.30pm??

I don't believe that she is doing work. She never does.

I am giving her until COB today to post her update, otherwise I'll be taking applications for new blog correspondents.

Thank you for listening.

Kylie Mole Et Al

Miss Contadiction is off work today (AGAIN: here's a free tip from me sweetie - lay off the booze on Sundays) so the weekend's update won't appear until tomorrow.

Though I must say it was somewhat of an interesting weekend. We did sneak into a birthday party in the Antler Bar on Saturday night and proceeded to get chatted up by some random blokes. One of them called me a 'spunk' and for a moment I thought I was being chatted up by Kylie Mole (she goes she goes she goes she just GOES).

We also managed to somehow score 10 or 15 free credits on the jukebox, which was very much appreciated.

Only at the hole.

Bad Smell came over to stalk me last night. I don't know what for, he just randomly turned up on my doorstep. He made me watch some awful show on Foxtel about a depraved hitman called 'The Iceman' - I have the weakest stomach at the best of times. And then he wonders why I wouldn't root him.

There is only so many times a girl can have her period in the space of a month.

More to follow tomorrow with pictures and self-righteous rants galore.

Crapulent Cat

I took my cat to the pub last night. She got pretty drunk. Now she's sleeping off her hangover.

She learned all her crapulent ways from the master - me.

P.S. Were any of our blog friends at the pub last night.

Cremorne Barbie

As mush as I would like to take credit for this post - it was actually penned by another Cremorne Hotel lurker who would like to be known as Bubbles2go.


"Cremorne Barbie - This Barbie recently barred from the Cremorne Hotel comes complete with double vision mirror glasses which allow her to spot stalkers from a great distance. She can create pandomoium with her acid tongue and whip your arse at pool. Her attire is somewhat remnant of a cross between savvy and slut. She has no need for a vehicle as she doesn't drive anymore, since running over loud mouth beer swilling Ken, whom she caught pashing local town bike. She can be purchased from any $2 dollar shop in the area or she comes as a bonus item with anything purchased through uncle Pete."

I think you will agree it is pure comic genius. I hope we will be hearing more from Bubbles2go as this blog evolves!

Cyber Stalking - The New Black?

When you think about it, real stalking requires much time and effort for both the stalker and stalkee. All that time sitting around on flower pots, going through garbage, not to mention the expense of all those phone calls and bailing yourself out of jail. For the stalkee, much effort has to be put in to hiding from said stalker and possibly having to relocate. Also having to change one’s phone number and having to go to the police for an AVO.

Cyber stalking on the other hand requires not much effort for either party. You can do it from the comfort of your lounge room or office, requires little outlay and is relatively harmless. It’s a win win situation.

So, to make Town Bike’s cyber stalker a little but more comfortable, I have provided a cyber flower pot for his/her sitting pleasure.

I Love My Stalker

I can't believe I have a stalker. It's so exciting. It's always been an ambition of mine to have a stalker, and now I do. It's like Christmas has come early.

Love your work, nameless stalker.

In other news, I am wearing my favourite blue wifebeater today. Yes, I am channelling Pete. Do you know that in the seven or so years I've known him, I don't think I've ever seen him out of a blue wifebeater and a flannie.

I even have a photo of myself and Pete together wearing the same wifebeater.

I wonder if he has multiple blue wifebeaters and flannies, or if it's the same one.

I guess it's one of those mysteries we'll never know the answer to.

I am hungover from too many champagnes at the pub. Have a nice day.