Monday 22 October 2007

Jason Went Number Twos In Miss Contradiction's Bed During Sex


And no, it wasn't a kinky thing either. It was purely accidental and because he is filthy and disgusting.

Then he tried to blame her cat. Now trust me, Miss Contradiction's cat is a very proud purebred and would never, ever go to the toilet where she sleeps. I've shared a bed with Miss Contradiction and cat numerous times and we've never had the problem of waking up lying in excrement (yet).

Speaking of which... note to self: don't sleep in Miss Contradiction's bed again until sheets have been burned and Jason poo spirit has been exorcised.

Guess Who’s Back?

For all those who guessed Slim Shady, go and stand in the naughty corner. No, we have another bona fide local legend back in our midst: the artist formerly known as Canada (okay, he is still known as that).

An introduction to Canada

It all started surprisingly enough in the country of Canada around 30 years ago, with the birth of a child (also called Canada). Actually he does have another name, but I forget what it is. Oh and also, he may not actually be from Canada as he claims, given that his accent is more like a Cockney bootblack (“shine yer shoes, guv?”) than a Canadian local.

Canada was a Megahole regular for some years before getting himself deported last December. Well he tried to be a regular, but would routinely get ejected every Friday and Saturday night by 10pm. The reason for this is that he has absolutely no control over his demeanour or behaviour when he’s off his face, and would sit slumped in a couch making no effort to hide the fact that he was off his dial.

In fact, Canada fancied himself as something of a small-time dealer. If this was the case, he was certainly the most inept drug dealer I’ve ever met. He would sit in the pub talking about how good his “gear” was at the top of his voice, then launch into a session of aforementioned slumping and gurning, as described above.

So then he got deported last December and had to marry some Western Suburbs slurry in order to be allowed to come back into the country in six months. At Villawood Detention Centre next to the Coke machine, no less. I think he also knocked her up. Also at Villawood Detention Centre next to the Coke machine. But now he’s back!!

Word on the street is that Canada is celebrating his re-entry into Australia with copious amounts of illicit substances. That’s my boy!

Rocket Rod will be most pleased indeed to have his little playmate back.

Any bets on how long until he’s deported again?

Sunday 21 October 2007

It's All Miss Contradiction's Fault

Did you know that it's all Miss Contradiction's fault that the favourite Maldivian got scratched from the Caulfield Cup after braining itself on the barrier?

Well, this is according to my father (Kelvs), who made this outlandish claim while we were down at the Mosman RSL yesterday afternoon watching the race and getting blind drunk.

My father, who was quite the ladies' man back in the day, has clearly gone senile in the last few years as he says some very strange things to Miss Contradiction, including:

* Stating that she had 'redeemed herself for the Maldivian affair' after he backed a winner a few races later
* Threatening to kneecap her
* Telling her to think of original things to say after she agreed with him once

My father is a strange man.

Hope it doesn't run in the family.

Coming Soon: The Misadventures Of Mr Poopy Pants

This story is so disgusting that I can't bring myself to type it.

Disgusting, but hilarious, and a serious threat to my already tenuous hold on my sexuality.

Yes, dear blog stalkers, after hearing this story I may truly never have sex again.

Jason.

Friday 19 October 2007

Penny Traiton


OK, after a long hiatus, I am back to blogging.
It pains me deeply to admit it, but Thursday nights at the Hole have livened up no end with the addition of the 7ft tall bingo calling drag queen "Penny Traiton".
We are even friends on Facebook.
The best part is when the local losers try to heckle her, she absolutely tears them to shreads with her wonderfully acidic repartee.
In other news, I had 3 alcoholic days this week and I think my body went into shock.

Thursday 18 October 2007

No News To Report

Please note that there is no news to report. Except that Andrew texted me at 2am last Friday morning asking for my hand in marriage.

AS IF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday 10 October 2007

If You Could Date Anyone In The World, Who Would It Be?


My choice is Sonic The Hedgehog, but only because Mario is in a complicated relationship right now.

Monday 8 October 2007

Our Adventures In Jason’s Old Stomping Ground

Did you know that Jason is apparently a ‘Balmain Boy’ at heart? Well this is according to him. He lived there for about six months once and now considers himself a Balmain Boy. He likes the aura of working class-meets-yuppy chic that being a Balmain Boy gives him. Let’s face it Jason, you’re a Liverpool Boy through and through. Stop trying to talk yourself up.

The point of all this is that Miss Contradiction and I decided to have a night out in Balmain on Saturday night. We quite enjoy the suburb from time to time but don’t call ourselves Balmain Girls just because we walked down Darling Street once.

So we went to the Exchange Hotel and decided to be sociable. Miss Contradiction was bumbling around in a drunken haze and crashed a buck’s party. She literally walked through the cordoned off bit and didn’t notice the sign and cordon until I pointed it out. The bucks were funny for a while but then we noticed they were making fun of us so decided to pack it in for the night.

We ended up back at the hole. It was packed. This might sound like a good thing but trust me, it wasn’t. You literally couldn’t throw a glass without hitting someone who was either psychotic, 12 years old or dressed badly. There was one particular car crash who I just couldn’t stop staring at – a blonde piece in a white mini skirt, thigh-high white stockings and some weird pink thing wrapped around her neck or head (can’t quite remember, I was drunk). For starters, without being bitchy, she didn’t have the figure for it (well no one has the figure for a fashion disaster like that, quite frankly), and secondly, even if it WAS a dare or fancy dress you still shouldn’t wear that sort of thing in polite society.

So we migrated upstairs to the erstwhile ‘real man’s room’ (RMR) for a game of pool. After having a groove to the Pointer Sisters’ “Jump (For My Love)” (I seem to remember doing some of my jazz ballet moves circa 1986) we noticed that two blokes had infiltrated the RMR. Long story short, Miss Contradiction ended up pashing someone called Mario and basically told him that he was taking her out for dinner. Poor, poor Mario. It was a tragedy when he ran off. Well, not really because I drank the rest of his drink.

The end.

Thursday 4 October 2007

BREAKING NEWS!!!

Someone is Interdork stalking me!! Well it's not really Interdork stalking because it's via SMS, but it's still the most exciting thing that's happened to me since... well... since the last time I was stalked (when Jason threatened to sic the Bandidos onto me).

I have narrowed the list of suspects to:

* Jason
* Lobo
* Jason
* Andrew
* A man in a chicken suit
* Miss Contradiction

Who could it be? Only time will tell.

Monday 1 October 2007

GO MELBOURNE!!!!


AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA