I was going to but now I'm afraid of being taken out by a pair of numchakas.
Wednesday 31 January 2007
So What?
Miss Contradiction and I were handed about a bazillion free drinks cards last Thursday night when lurking around the SoSoBar and we noticed the cards say 'So On Us' on them. I mean, how cool is that? Because using the word so is, like, so American, and anything they do in America must be, like, so way cool. Cowabunga.
All the best phrases have so in them:
* So not
* So gay
* So last week
* So over
And my personal all-time favourite:
* You are, like, SO DEAD (double whammy of so and like).
I'd love to see those phrases worked into the hole's marketing strategy.
Everytime I hear the word 'so' it conjures up images of some vacant American broad chewing gum and twirling her hair around one finger, kinda like Paris 'Herpes' Hilton. Which is DEFINITELY an image you want associated with your club.
NOT!!!
Wouldn't they have been better off modelling their club around the lingo of some earthy Australian shelia... like, say... Miss Contradiction or myself?
Oh wait, no. Then it would be called the Crapulent Bar. Maybe not.
All the best phrases have so in them:
* So not
* So gay
* So last week
* So over
And my personal all-time favourite:
* You are, like, SO DEAD (double whammy of so and like).
I'd love to see those phrases worked into the hole's marketing strategy.
Everytime I hear the word 'so' it conjures up images of some vacant American broad chewing gum and twirling her hair around one finger, kinda like Paris 'Herpes' Hilton. Which is DEFINITELY an image you want associated with your club.
NOT!!!
Wouldn't they have been better off modelling their club around the lingo of some earthy Australian shelia... like, say... Miss Contradiction or myself?
Oh wait, no. Then it would be called the Crapulent Bar. Maybe not.
Remind You of Anyone????
This person must be related to Jason.
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,21147450-2,00.html
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,21147450-2,00.html
I SAW A FRUIT SALAD BANDIT
I am sure I walked past a fruit salad bandit while I was power walking home from work down Military Road yesterday afternoon at about 5.45pm.
It was at that set of lights past the Oaks and the Big Bear near the service station.
I'm sure it was the stripey shirt bandit who looks like Stifler. I did a double take and was about to ask for an autograph but remembered that he's not actually a celebrity and kept walking.
He doesn't look as teenaged in real life as he does in the photo, which is good, because being near teenagers makes me feel old.
I hope I have more fruit salad bandit celebrity sightings in the near future.
It was at that set of lights past the Oaks and the Big Bear near the service station.
I'm sure it was the stripey shirt bandit who looks like Stifler. I did a double take and was about to ask for an autograph but remembered that he's not actually a celebrity and kept walking.
He doesn't look as teenaged in real life as he does in the photo, which is good, because being near teenagers makes me feel old.
I hope I have more fruit salad bandit celebrity sightings in the near future.
Distressing Incident At The Hole
Click here
I hope it was no one we know... not that I know many 18 or 19 year olds. None in fact. Unless my niece counts.
I always knew trivia night would lead to bad news.
I hope it was no one we know... not that I know many 18 or 19 year olds. None in fact. Unless my niece counts.
I always knew trivia night would lead to bad news.
Tuesday 30 January 2007
Living Well Is The Best Revenge
Well we all know that's bullshit, hence I've created this blog post thingy.
For background on the situation, click here.
Our blog friend has asked for tips on getting back at some pub guy (I'm actually not up on who's who at the pub, I recognise faces but generally tend to be so immersed in my own little world of crapulence that I wouldn't know one from another by name).
But one thing I am an expert on is revenge. For example, when Bad Smell and I broke up in mid-2006, I hit the Duromine, lost 5kg, dyed my hair blonde and had a night of passion with a league player. However this is probably not the best example as the joke was on me - he was a Manly player. And anyway this is possibly not an appropriate course of action in your case.
One technique you may be able to apply is stalking. I have a means of tracking down the address of just about anyone - and it isn't the phone book. Hell, it worked for me when my friend and I stalked silverchair and the entire cast of Heartbreak High in year 12. We would turn up on their doorsteps and pretend we'd lost our dog. But that's a crazy anecdote for another time.
We tracked these people down to express our love, not to threaten or intimidate them. However I'm sure you could apply the general principles of stalking to getting back at someone. You could go through their garbage at 3am or fly a kite on their front lawn at night or something.
However I generally don't condone revenge on anyone by any means. Unless by 'anyone' you mean 'Jason' and by 'by any means' you mean 'with an icepick'. Then it's ok.
Disclaimer: the views of anyone else expressed here do not necessarily reflect my own... yada yada yada.
For background on the situation, click here.
Our blog friend has asked for tips on getting back at some pub guy (I'm actually not up on who's who at the pub, I recognise faces but generally tend to be so immersed in my own little world of crapulence that I wouldn't know one from another by name).
But one thing I am an expert on is revenge. For example, when Bad Smell and I broke up in mid-2006, I hit the Duromine, lost 5kg, dyed my hair blonde and had a night of passion with a league player. However this is probably not the best example as the joke was on me - he was a Manly player. And anyway this is possibly not an appropriate course of action in your case.
One technique you may be able to apply is stalking. I have a means of tracking down the address of just about anyone - and it isn't the phone book. Hell, it worked for me when my friend and I stalked silverchair and the entire cast of Heartbreak High in year 12. We would turn up on their doorsteps and pretend we'd lost our dog. But that's a crazy anecdote for another time.
We tracked these people down to express our love, not to threaten or intimidate them. However I'm sure you could apply the general principles of stalking to getting back at someone. You could go through their garbage at 3am or fly a kite on their front lawn at night or something.
However I generally don't condone revenge on anyone by any means. Unless by 'anyone' you mean 'Jason' and by 'by any means' you mean 'with an icepick'. Then it's ok.
Disclaimer: the views of anyone else expressed here do not necessarily reflect my own... yada yada yada.
Monday 29 January 2007
Valentine's Day: Yuck
It has come to my attention that it is almost Valentine's Day again: the most heinous of all holidays.
I have gradually become disillusioned with Valentine's Day over the past few years. Here's why:
Feb 14, 2005: Bad Smell and I get drunk at the pub. He presents me with a ring that he fashioned out of a paperclip while he was at work during the day. Thank god it wasn't a real ring because right now I'd be married to a loser and barefoot and pregnant in a caravan somewhere.
Feb 14, 2006: Bad Smell and I are in the middle of an epic five-day argument over Jason. I haven't been home for three days and have been staying at Miss Contradiction's place. We get drunk and celebrate love day by overeating and watching Fatal Attraction. And possibly OD-ing on Stillnox later.
The closest I get to a Valentine's Day message is when Jason texts me with abuse.
I'd lay money on the fact that this Valentine's Day will involve myself and Miss Contradiction sitting at the pub for the badge draw. If we want to get into the spirit of the day we can do it by picking up. Or failing that, leering at men.
I hate Valentine's Day. It's for losers and those sad couples who hold hands and call each other pet names and stuff.
I have gradually become disillusioned with Valentine's Day over the past few years. Here's why:
Feb 14, 2005: Bad Smell and I get drunk at the pub. He presents me with a ring that he fashioned out of a paperclip while he was at work during the day. Thank god it wasn't a real ring because right now I'd be married to a loser and barefoot and pregnant in a caravan somewhere.
Feb 14, 2006: Bad Smell and I are in the middle of an epic five-day argument over Jason. I haven't been home for three days and have been staying at Miss Contradiction's place. We get drunk and celebrate love day by overeating and watching Fatal Attraction. And possibly OD-ing on Stillnox later.
The closest I get to a Valentine's Day message is when Jason texts me with abuse.
I'd lay money on the fact that this Valentine's Day will involve myself and Miss Contradiction sitting at the pub for the badge draw. If we want to get into the spirit of the day we can do it by picking up. Or failing that, leering at men.
I hate Valentine's Day. It's for losers and those sad couples who hold hands and call each other pet names and stuff.
Sunday 28 January 2007
WHY??
Why can't management find this site and threaten to ban Miss Contradiction and I??
WHY??
Nothing controversial ever happens to us!!!
WHY??
Nothing controversial ever happens to us!!!
Thursday 25 January 2007
Agony Aunts Pt III
Ask away with all your relationship problems and we'll try to solve them!! We won't try very hard though.
Bad Smell: The Prince Of Losers (Jason Is The King)
Well he certainly outdid himself in the loser stakes last night. And possibly Jason. Which is a big, big call, but possibly warranted here.
First of all, he lured me to the badge draw with the promise of repaying some of the money he owes me. I didn’t want to go. I have better things to do on a Wednesday night, like watch Law & Order reruns on Foxtel and watch my cat throw up under the dining table.
Unfortunately by the time I got there, he’d done the money he was going to repay me on the horses. Which was an inauspicious start to the night.
Then – here’s a corker – Miss Contradiction and I started talking about my upcoming birthday and it came out that HE HAS NO IDEA WHEN MY BIRTHDAY IS. He doesn’t even know what month it’s in. You’d think that after TWO AND A HALF YEARS of knowing each other and almost as long being together, he might have a vague idea.
But no. He apparently knows when Jason’s birthday is, he knows when my sister’s birthday is, but he doesn’t know when my birthday is.
I was seriously about to glass him with his own schooner, except I have too much respect for alcohol to do that.
First of all, he lured me to the badge draw with the promise of repaying some of the money he owes me. I didn’t want to go. I have better things to do on a Wednesday night, like watch Law & Order reruns on Foxtel and watch my cat throw up under the dining table.
Unfortunately by the time I got there, he’d done the money he was going to repay me on the horses. Which was an inauspicious start to the night.
Then – here’s a corker – Miss Contradiction and I started talking about my upcoming birthday and it came out that HE HAS NO IDEA WHEN MY BIRTHDAY IS. He doesn’t even know what month it’s in. You’d think that after TWO AND A HALF YEARS of knowing each other and almost as long being together, he might have a vague idea.
But no. He apparently knows when Jason’s birthday is, he knows when my sister’s birthday is, but he doesn’t know when my birthday is.
I was seriously about to glass him with his own schooner, except I have too much respect for alcohol to do that.
However it wasn’t all bad. He did manage to win half a case of beer playing the ‘heads or tails’ games. He was very proud of his ability to randomly guess which side of the coin is going to come up when it’s tossed in the air. Yes Bad Smell, you may have no idea and a gambling problem, but AT LEAST YOU CAN PICK HEADS OR TAILS!! NEXT TIME I’M IN A LIFE AND DEATH SITUATION INVOLVING CALLING HEADS OR TAILS, I’LL BE SURE TO RING YOU!!!
It would appear that the only things he knows about me are my bra size and my menstrual cycle. I’m surprised he doesn’t refer to me as ‘12D’.
Goddamit. I think it might be time for Bad Smell to go back to being my ex-boyfriend again. I’m sure I can find myself a new Bad Smell, preferably one who knows when my birthday is. Oh wait, no I can’t, he’s the best I can do. Whoops.
I rue the day I jumped into bed with him. I did some stupid things when I was 24. IF ONLY HE WASN’T A DECENT ROOT I WOULD DUMP HIM SO FAST TAB TICKETS WOULD COME FLYING OUT OF HIS ARSE!!!
I REALLY HATE HIM SOMETIMES!!!!
It would appear that the only things he knows about me are my bra size and my menstrual cycle. I’m surprised he doesn’t refer to me as ‘12D’.
Goddamit. I think it might be time for Bad Smell to go back to being my ex-boyfriend again. I’m sure I can find myself a new Bad Smell, preferably one who knows when my birthday is. Oh wait, no I can’t, he’s the best I can do. Whoops.
I rue the day I jumped into bed with him. I did some stupid things when I was 24. IF ONLY HE WASN’T A DECENT ROOT I WOULD DUMP HIM SO FAST TAB TICKETS WOULD COME FLYING OUT OF HIS ARSE!!!
I REALLY HATE HIM SOMETIMES!!!!
Wednesday 24 January 2007
Cold Wedges
Well, once again I can't take credit for the following itinerary. Our dear friend Bubbles (of Cremorne Barbie fame), has informed me of how she plans to conduct herself during tonights badge draw;
a) Arrive at Hole half tanked
b) Harrass bar staff and manager about cold wedges and too many badges
c) Trip over a few random patrons with drinks
d) Cause a brawl and sneak out before being identified
e) Come back in via pokie area and have a snack
f) Start singing a song about the "Mole in the Hole" in German
g) Threaten to remove articles of clothing - from an innocent bystander
h) Continue you to get rolling drunk
i) Sway/stagger out before you get banned.
j) Hope that Lady Goonbag hasn't mashed dinner to a pulp on your arrival home.
k) Remember you don't live there and go to your own place, which you
can't get into because you lost your keys in the brawl.
l) Ring a friend to remind you were you hid the spare key
m) Spend 5 minutes trying to put the key in the hole and then realising
your in the wrong block - doh!
Tuesday 23 January 2007
Caption Competition
Miss Penelope was very clever and managed to track down a gallery of photos from the SoSoBar opening weekend.
So let's have a caption competition with them. We'll post each one separately and you can put your caption in the comments section. This week's is below. Winner gets a quickie in the toilets with myself and Miss Contradiction. If Miss Contradiction or myself win we get a quickie in the toilets with Uncle Pete.
So let's have a caption competition with them. We'll post each one separately and you can put your caption in the comments section. This week's is below. Winner gets a quickie in the toilets with myself and Miss Contradiction. If Miss Contradiction or myself win we get a quickie in the toilets with Uncle Pete.
"THE FRUIT SALAD BANDITS RIDE AGAIN"
Monday 22 January 2007
Try Hard 2: Try Harder
Miss Contradiction and myself learned on Friday night that this Thursday night (Australia Day eve), the hole will play host to the DJs Mark Dynamix (of Ministry of Sound fame) and Telefunken.
I couldn't give a rat's arse who these DJs are, they sound like try hards who think they're too cool for school.
I hate doof doof music and I hate people who act like they're into doof doof music, even when it clearly all sounds the same.
That being said, I will probably still go as I don't have much of a life.
The only music I like can be found on jukeboxes at most suburban pubs and is usually selected by men wearing flannies and drinking a schooie.
I still think they should bring back DJ Roy Pro and his sidekick DJ Simon from the good old days. He used to let us bring CDs and he'd put them on for us. We also got to hide in the DJ booth and drink their vodka, as well as take requests from people.
I miss DJ Roy.
I couldn't give a rat's arse who these DJs are, they sound like try hards who think they're too cool for school.
I hate doof doof music and I hate people who act like they're into doof doof music, even when it clearly all sounds the same.
That being said, I will probably still go as I don't have much of a life.
The only music I like can be found on jukeboxes at most suburban pubs and is usually selected by men wearing flannies and drinking a schooie.
I still think they should bring back DJ Roy Pro and his sidekick DJ Simon from the good old days. He used to let us bring CDs and he'd put them on for us. We also got to hide in the DJ booth and drink their vodka, as well as take requests from people.
I miss DJ Roy.
I HATE YOUNG WHIPPERSNAPPERS
At the risk of sounding like a cantakerous older person, I hate young whippersnappers.
Some insolent young slip of a boy tried to steal my spot on the Megahole's illustrious fashion couch in the early hours of Sunday morning then dared sass me when I told him to move it or lose it.
Yes, that's right, he implied that I am OLD.
UM HELLO, I MIGHT BE OLD BUT THAT ALSO MEANS THAT I'VE GOT A DECADE'S WORTH OF MUSCLES ON YOU, I CAN KICK YO SCRAWNY ASS FLABBY DOUGH BOY!!!
And I will!
It has dawned on me that I may be getting too old to galavant around the countryside trying to pick up young men. Maybe it's time for me to settle down in suburban bliss with Bad Smell (in my advancing age I probably can't do much better) and start procreating.
OR NOT!!!!!
If Bad Smell and I procreated, between us we'd pass on enough addictions to last the poor child for this life and the next.
Some insolent young slip of a boy tried to steal my spot on the Megahole's illustrious fashion couch in the early hours of Sunday morning then dared sass me when I told him to move it or lose it.
Yes, that's right, he implied that I am OLD.
UM HELLO, I MIGHT BE OLD BUT THAT ALSO MEANS THAT I'VE GOT A DECADE'S WORTH OF MUSCLES ON YOU, I CAN KICK YO SCRAWNY ASS FLABBY DOUGH BOY!!!
And I will!
It has dawned on me that I may be getting too old to galavant around the countryside trying to pick up young men. Maybe it's time for me to settle down in suburban bliss with Bad Smell (in my advancing age I probably can't do much better) and start procreating.
OR NOT!!!!!
If Bad Smell and I procreated, between us we'd pass on enough addictions to last the poor child for this life and the next.
I'm a Loser Baby, So Why Don't You Kill Me?
For some reason, after Jason told both myself and Town Bike to ‘Lose his number’, he randomly decides to start stalking us on Friday night. Town Bike gave me the heads up that he was on the prowl so I left our spiritual home and promptly passed out.
I awake at 5.30 am to check my phone and was greeted with 12 text messages and 3 voice mail messages.
Text messages read as follows;
12.06 am Pick up fuck ya stupid
12.09 am Get off the phone
12.09 am Off
12.11 am I am jumping in a cab
12.14 am At least pick up?
12.18 am If your (sic) there, your there. Whatever.
12.20 am Ok so u wont pick up. What’ve I done?
12.39 am Ok u fucken hate me. Whatever. Im here. Just wanna say hi. Im not that bad?
12.59 am Should I stalk you?? Loosen up
1.05 am Pick up (Miss Contradiction). Do you really hate me?
1.11am If u hate me I’ll leave. But I didn’t think you did. I can at least tell you, if you cared. Im downstairs.
1.18 am Im here. Just wanna make peace. Really like and miss you. Can disapear (sic) if preferred but not desired. SAY SOMETHING damn it
1.26 am Ok so were not even mates. My fault. Sorry take care.
Yes Jason, I do hate you. Yes you are that bad. Yes please, disappear – it is certainly my preference. Permanently if possible.
Notice how the tone quickly goes from slightly abusive to embarrassingly pathetic?
I awake at 5.30 am to check my phone and was greeted with 12 text messages and 3 voice mail messages.
Text messages read as follows;
12.06 am Pick up fuck ya stupid
12.09 am Get off the phone
12.09 am Off
12.11 am I am jumping in a cab
12.14 am At least pick up?
12.18 am If your (sic) there, your there. Whatever.
12.20 am Ok so u wont pick up. What’ve I done?
12.39 am Ok u fucken hate me. Whatever. Im here. Just wanna say hi. Im not that bad?
12.59 am Should I stalk you?? Loosen up
1.05 am Pick up (Miss Contradiction). Do you really hate me?
1.11am If u hate me I’ll leave. But I didn’t think you did. I can at least tell you, if you cared. Im downstairs.
1.18 am Im here. Just wanna make peace. Really like and miss you. Can disapear (sic) if preferred but not desired. SAY SOMETHING damn it
1.26 am Ok so were not even mates. My fault. Sorry take care.
Yes Jason, I do hate you. Yes you are that bad. Yes please, disappear – it is certainly my preference. Permanently if possible.
Notice how the tone quickly goes from slightly abusive to embarrassingly pathetic?
Saturday 20 January 2007
Falling Apart Already
Miss Contradiction and I got extremely smashed last night. They let us into the SoSo Bar for free. Clearly the grand plans of a cover charge have already been destroyed.We also witnessed one of the in-ceiling speakers falling down. Already. I offered to fix it for them but they took the unusual approach of sticking it back in with Blu-tack.
Jason also started stalking and harassing both of us. More on that on Monday.
I checked my old phone and don't have the video of Jason. I don't know why I ever imagined I would have kept it. But I did find a picture of Jason asleep on the couch at Bad Smell's place (I can't believe I lived in that dump for a year), wrapped in an Australian flag to match his blue Good Guys' shirt. He works at the Alexandria store in the whitegoods department if anyone is interested in hunting him down.
If I run over him in a car, do you think Bob Geldof will bother to organise a benefit concert for him? Because I don't want him making any money out of my hatred for him.
Friday 19 January 2007
A Special Treat On Monday
Stay tuned for Monday as I have a very special treat for y'all.
I've decided to post a video of Jason droning into the camera that I have on an old phone. It's time to name and shame him.
I'll also provide details of where he works and exact directions of how to get there so hopefully someone will take the initiative and kill him.
I've decided to post a video of Jason droning into the camera that I have on an old phone. It's time to name and shame him.
I'll also provide details of where he works and exact directions of how to get there so hopefully someone will take the initiative and kill him.
Wednesday 17 January 2007
VOTE IN NEW POLL (SEE RIGHT)
Excuse the lengthy nature of this poll but it is a serious matter that requires much deliberation.
Another Insightful SMS From The Hole
For those of you who don't have the pleasure of receiving the hole's weekly SMS spam, I've reproduced it here.
$3550$3550$3550$3550$3550$3550$3550$3550$3550$3550$3550$3550$3550...from 6.30pm tonight!threethousandandfivehundredandfiftydollars
Yes that's right management! When all other marketing tactics have failed... try running the words together with no spaces! BECAUSE THAT'LL WORK!!
What's next... intentional spelling mistakes?
Nothing pisses me off more than bad spelling and grammar and I am likely to give up on the hole forever if that happens.
$3550$3550$3550$3550$3550$3550$3550$3550$3550$3550$3550$3550$3550...from 6.30pm tonight!threethousandandfivehundredandfiftydollars
Yes that's right management! When all other marketing tactics have failed... try running the words together with no spaces! BECAUSE THAT'LL WORK!!
What's next... intentional spelling mistakes?
Nothing pisses me off more than bad spelling and grammar and I am likely to give up on the hole forever if that happens.
Monday 15 January 2007
What's The Best Rumour You've Ever Heard About Yourself?
Combine copious amounts of alcohol with boredom and you have a recipe for one thing: disaster.
Well, make that two things. You also have a recipe for pub gossip.
I love pub gossip. I spread a lot of it myself, even when I've got a pretty fair idea it isn't true. It just makes a drinking session that much more fun.
Over the years I've apparently been both a lesbian and a prostitute. I WISH!!! If only I were that interesting. The truth is far more mundane: real lesbians wouldn't have a bar of me and likewise no one would bother to pay me for sex.
I mean, come on!! Which one am I?? A lesbian or a prostitute?? Because surely I can't be both... unless I am a lesbian prostitute. Now that would be interesting and controversial. However I believe someone we all know and look down on already has the lesbian hooker angle covered.
Actually I think Pete may have started both those rumours.
Let's make a list of all the best rumours that have been started over the past few years. You can use code names to protect the innocent.
Well, make that two things. You also have a recipe for pub gossip.
I love pub gossip. I spread a lot of it myself, even when I've got a pretty fair idea it isn't true. It just makes a drinking session that much more fun.
Over the years I've apparently been both a lesbian and a prostitute. I WISH!!! If only I were that interesting. The truth is far more mundane: real lesbians wouldn't have a bar of me and likewise no one would bother to pay me for sex.
I mean, come on!! Which one am I?? A lesbian or a prostitute?? Because surely I can't be both... unless I am a lesbian prostitute. Now that would be interesting and controversial. However I believe someone we all know and look down on already has the lesbian hooker angle covered.
Actually I think Pete may have started both those rumours.
Let's make a list of all the best rumours that have been started over the past few years. You can use code names to protect the innocent.
Vote Update
I am quite excited by the fact I worked out how to create a poll so I thought I would provide an update for those who haven't worked out how to use the poll yet.
As you can see, the majority of voters seem to think SoSoBar only has one month to live. I also note that no one has voted that it will never close.
I probably wouldn't mind the place so much if it didn't have a cover charge and wasn't trying to be so exclusive. Any idiot can see that anyone with any kind of social credibility is not going to be hanging around the hole, no matter how nice the nightclub is.
Sunday 14 January 2007
Nightclub: Full Report
Well I finally got to see the new nightclub last night. We were going to go on Friday but there was a massive crowd and line and seeing as I am not good with either crowds or lines that wouldn't have been a great idea. Plus one of my nemesises (Kylie Mole) was there so I had to make a quick exit for fear that her scary boyfriend was going to bash me up.
But I digress. So I saw the nightclub last night. I very much enjoyed the free grog and food. I was starving so started stalking the girls with the tray around the room. As for the new nightclub itself: I didn't hate it. I fully expected to. Heck I wanted to. But I didn't.
That being said, I didn't love it either. It was very... what's the right word... oh yes. I know: so-so. So I guess it was named appropriately after all.
I do like the room upstairs. I am thinking of hiring it out for my birthday in March as a joke. Seeing as my dad hired the nightclub out for my 21st several years ago (yes sad I know), I think it would be funny. Just for old times sake.
My night however was spoiled by the fact that my back/leg is still sore and I was hobbling around like a cripple. IT'S SO ANNOYING!!
However I don't think that in future I will be paying $10 to get in there. I object to paying cover charges. As my old father says, never pay for anything you can get for free: water, parking and sex. Add nightclubs to that list.
So I guess I'll have to find out who I have to give blowjobs to so I can get in for free when I am off my face and need something to do. Hopefully it isn't Nathan because in that case I think I'll just stay home and watch Law & Order.
But I digress. So I saw the nightclub last night. I very much enjoyed the free grog and food. I was starving so started stalking the girls with the tray around the room. As for the new nightclub itself: I didn't hate it. I fully expected to. Heck I wanted to. But I didn't.
That being said, I didn't love it either. It was very... what's the right word... oh yes. I know: so-so. So I guess it was named appropriately after all.
I do like the room upstairs. I am thinking of hiring it out for my birthday in March as a joke. Seeing as my dad hired the nightclub out for my 21st several years ago (yes sad I know), I think it would be funny. Just for old times sake.
My night however was spoiled by the fact that my back/leg is still sore and I was hobbling around like a cripple. IT'S SO ANNOYING!!
However I don't think that in future I will be paying $10 to get in there. I object to paying cover charges. As my old father says, never pay for anything you can get for free: water, parking and sex. Add nightclubs to that list.
So I guess I'll have to find out who I have to give blowjobs to so I can get in for free when I am off my face and need something to do. Hopefully it isn't Nathan because in that case I think I'll just stay home and watch Law & Order.
Friday 12 January 2007
EXCLUSIVE PHOTO OF MISS CONTRADICTION!
I have managed to secure an EXCLUSIVE photo of Miss Contradiction dressed up in her outfit for the opening night of SoSoBar.Unfortunately, being Miss Contradiction she had to get it SLIGHTLY wrong and hence appears to be channelling a yeti moreso than a chicken.
It will be interesting to see which one of us receives the first banning from SoSoBar. Perhaps the chicken suit could clinch it for Miss Contradiction.
The Excitement is Building
Only 7 hours until the So-So Bar opening.
Will the scene outside tonight resemble the one above? Should I hire a minder to protect me from the paparazzi?
What if someone is wearing the same chicken suit as me. I knew I should have bought a haute couture chicken suit from Christian Dior to avoid that fashion faux par.
I really should have taken today off to get some colonic irrigation to reduce bloating and consult my stylist.
I don't want to look chub chub in my chicken suit.
PANIC STATIONS!!!
Vote In Our Poll
As you will all note by casting your eyes to the right, I have added a poll to the blog to encourage interactivity.
I will change this poll every Friday so if you have any suggestions for future polls, post them here.
Here's some suggestions from me:
* Who will be the next yocal to be banned?
* Who will Slapporn sleep with next?
* How long until Pete is allowed back in?
I will change this poll every Friday so if you have any suggestions for future polls, post them here.
Here's some suggestions from me:
* Who will be the next yocal to be banned?
* Who will Slapporn sleep with next?
* How long until Pete is allowed back in?
Bizzarre Love Triangles, Party Pashes and General Shenanigans
Oh yes, dear blog stalkers - I have been made aware of a bizzarre love triangle, the seeds of which were sewn at our beloved spiritual home.
Actually it is more of a hexagon.
Unfortunately, to protect the innocent I cannot go in to too much detail.
This is what happens when the lack of available singletons becomes so dismal that the appearance of any new 'fresh blood' causes a veritable feeding frenzy.
I prefer to take the vouyeur option and just stand back and watch.
It really is fascinating.
NIGHTCLUB OPENING TONIGHT!!!
Thursday 11 January 2007
The I Hate Jason Club
I just typed I hate Jason into Google and look what I found:
http://ihatejason.tribe.net
Apparently quite a few people hate Jason.
I wonder if we are talking about the same one. Perhaps, because I note one of the members is from Australia.
I also found this site where you can make anonymous reports about how much you hate people with a certain name. I'm going to do one now about Jason. See if you can work out which one is mine.
http://lifelong.disappointment.com
http://ihatejason.tribe.net
Apparently quite a few people hate Jason.
I wonder if we are talking about the same one. Perhaps, because I note one of the members is from Australia.
I also found this site where you can make anonymous reports about how much you hate people with a certain name. I'm going to do one now about Jason. See if you can work out which one is mine.
http://lifelong.disappointment.com
A Loser In Paradise
Word has it that Jason is currently on a tropical island (no, it apparently isn't Alcatraz) enjoying a getaway courtesy of his sugar mamma.Clearly he is making no financial contribution towards the holiday as he spends all his money on poker machines and ice.
But Jason sure has earned his holiday. I mean, after all, this is his payment for services rendered.
You know, there's a word for that: prostitution.
It's not fair. I'd be willing to prostitute myself for a holiday, but has anyone asked me? NO!! What's up with that??
A Night Of Randomness
Well I certainly had the most random night I've had in a while last night. Bad Smell and I decided to wander up to the pub for a couple of drinks and the first badge draw and it ended up with us stumbling out five hours later. (Why is it you can never go for just a few drinks?)
In my drunken haze I stupidly told Smell Boy about the blog and I even told him that he is called Bad Smell. Luckily he doesn't know how to use a computer, let alone Google, so he can't see how much I've been mouthing off.
Miss Contradiction and I also informed him that his best mate Jason has no nickname on the blog as he deserves to be named and shamed, and that we are considering printing his last name and mobile number as well.
Once again no one won the badge draw, though we did get to hear the usual array of bad jokes and 'funny' banter over the microphone. I'd rather have the money thanks.
I also noticed from the new staff behind the bar that once again the hole has been on a recruitment drive at the local kindergarten. While I'm sure the blokes enjoy having a pre-pubescent girl pouring them drinks, it can be a little intimidating for a woman over the age of 25 to be confronted by the sight of some lithe young thing who has no hips or arse (possibly because she's not old enough to menstruate yet).
Bad Smell and I wandered home and got stoned and drank my father's bourbon. I don't often get stoned so when I do I spin out. Once in 2005 sometime I thought Smell Boy was going to strangle me while we were lying in bed and I was considering jumping out the window.
Last night I managed to walk into my sideboard and smash a glass. I blamed it on my cat.
I think we must have had sex too because I woke up this morning naked. I hope I enjoyed it.
In my drunken haze I stupidly told Smell Boy about the blog and I even told him that he is called Bad Smell. Luckily he doesn't know how to use a computer, let alone Google, so he can't see how much I've been mouthing off.
Miss Contradiction and I also informed him that his best mate Jason has no nickname on the blog as he deserves to be named and shamed, and that we are considering printing his last name and mobile number as well.
Once again no one won the badge draw, though we did get to hear the usual array of bad jokes and 'funny' banter over the microphone. I'd rather have the money thanks.
I also noticed from the new staff behind the bar that once again the hole has been on a recruitment drive at the local kindergarten. While I'm sure the blokes enjoy having a pre-pubescent girl pouring them drinks, it can be a little intimidating for a woman over the age of 25 to be confronted by the sight of some lithe young thing who has no hips or arse (possibly because she's not old enough to menstruate yet).
Bad Smell and I wandered home and got stoned and drank my father's bourbon. I don't often get stoned so when I do I spin out. Once in 2005 sometime I thought Smell Boy was going to strangle me while we were lying in bed and I was considering jumping out the window.
Last night I managed to walk into my sideboard and smash a glass. I blamed it on my cat.
I think we must have had sex too because I woke up this morning naked. I hope I enjoyed it.
Wednesday 10 January 2007
The Moment is Almost Upon Us
This Friday marks the opening of the So-so Bar. Town Bike and I are dusting off our chicken suits and top hats for the big event.
Apparently there are free drinks and nibbles for the chosen few who have been invited (i.e no one who actually drinks at the pub).
Not surprisingly, the "SoBar" concept is not unique. Whatever marketing retard the Cremorne employs ripped the idea of a melbourne establishment;
Notice that although the Cremorne felt free to rip off the name, they decided not to emulate this rather well constructed web site. We have broached this subject before, however I will provide the Cremorne link for comparitive purposes;
Pitiful isn't it?
Notice also that the Melbourne establishment actually looks pretty cool. Perhaps we should all head to Melbourne this weekend instead.
At least Uncle Pete isn't banned from the Melbourne branch.
Of Matters Trivial
What better place for a trivia night than our spiritual home? The hole specialises in matters of a trival nature.
Alas we lost!!!
This could be due to the fact that as I am now on day 3 of being a non-smoker, I have channelled all my energy in to my drinking habit with gusto. Yes, dear blog stalkers - I pushed the boundaries of crapulence to a new level.
I would have had a hard time remembering my own name, let alone remembering who some dead chick who had a bit part in a Siberian sit com is....
I also got kicked out. I am sure you will agree that this is a personal best, even for me.
My mother would be so proud.
666 - The Number of The Beast
I have it on good authority that the Devil Incarnate will be reborn in about 6 months.
God help us all.
We may need Pete to combat this scourge of darkness that will be amongst us in the near future.
Tuesday 9 January 2007
Sciatica Sucks
Well now the doctor has confirmed my sciatica diagnosis, which leaves me to wonder: HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO PICK UP AT THE SOSOBAR OPENING IF I HAVE SCIATICA AND CAN BARELY WALK, LET ALONE DANCE??
Is it possible to pick up without leaving your chair?
Is sciatica the new black?
How am I going to wear high heels if my effing back is in so much pain?
There is only so much Voltaren Rapid and Chinese massage can do in terms of pain, let alone your love life.
WHY?? WHY ME GOD??
Is it possible to pick up without leaving your chair?
Is sciatica the new black?
How am I going to wear high heels if my effing back is in so much pain?
There is only so much Voltaren Rapid and Chinese massage can do in terms of pain, let alone your love life.
WHY?? WHY ME GOD??
Monday 8 January 2007
Friday 5 January 2007
Agony Aunts Pt II
Now I know how hard it is to ask for help so I am giving you one last chance.
Ask Aunty Town Bike for help re: your relationship troubles and you won't have to get your head smacked in.
This is it: ask for help or I'm shutting up shop and taking my god damn blog with me.
This is the official blog for all youngsters who are having trouble with the opposite sex and need advice.
Unfortunately in my 26 years on the earth I have run the full gamut of male behaviour and can give you the best advice re: entrapping a potential partner into your web of intrigue and sex.
Take my advice as a woman of the world and the drink and you will be repaid handsomly in words.
Otherwise I'm picking up my laptop and my blog and going home.
So ask away with your relationship/girl questions. Because I'm so good at that!
Here's an example of questions I'm anticipating:
Q: I've seen this ho from across the pub and I really want to get into her pants. What do I do??
A: My son, you need to bide your time. Buy her a drink, make conversation. Then wait until her friends have left. Follow her home and wait behind some bushes. Stick out your foot and trip her over and then pretend like you didn't do it. Then offer to take her to the hospital to fix her ankle. When the nurses aren't looking you can jump her.
SEE? I'm good at this. Ask away.
Ask Aunty Town Bike for help re: your relationship troubles and you won't have to get your head smacked in.
This is it: ask for help or I'm shutting up shop and taking my god damn blog with me.
This is the official blog for all youngsters who are having trouble with the opposite sex and need advice.
Unfortunately in my 26 years on the earth I have run the full gamut of male behaviour and can give you the best advice re: entrapping a potential partner into your web of intrigue and sex.
Take my advice as a woman of the world and the drink and you will be repaid handsomly in words.
Otherwise I'm picking up my laptop and my blog and going home.
So ask away with your relationship/girl questions. Because I'm so good at that!
Here's an example of questions I'm anticipating:
Q: I've seen this ho from across the pub and I really want to get into her pants. What do I do??
A: My son, you need to bide your time. Buy her a drink, make conversation. Then wait until her friends have left. Follow her home and wait behind some bushes. Stick out your foot and trip her over and then pretend like you didn't do it. Then offer to take her to the hospital to fix her ankle. When the nurses aren't looking you can jump her.
SEE? I'm good at this. Ask away.
Jason Is An Idiot
Well we hear on the grapevine that Jason is trying to wiggle out of his third high-range drink driving conviction by getting various drongos to write letters saying he didn't mean to do it and it's a one off thing.Can I point out that it's not a one-off thing, this is the THIRD TIME it's happened in two years.
Seeing as having a note can apparently get you out of anything, then hopefully when I kill Jason with an icepick I can get my dad to write me a note saying I didn't mean to do it and it's a one off thing.
I swear to God: if he comes to the hole again, I WILL KILL HIM. Aaaaargh. His existence degrades us all.
A swift stilleto to the groin and then the eyeball never hurt anyone. In fact it is very Jennifer Jason Leigh in Single White Female. What a fashionable way to die.
Thursday 4 January 2007
Junk In The Trunk Is The New Black
I read about an interesting cosmetic procedure the other day whereby the fat from your stomach can be sucked out and inserted into your backside to give you a nice curvaceous rump.I was very excited about this because I have always wanted some junk in the trunk a la the JLo Ho (see right) and it seems that finally I may no longer have to be a no-arse wonder for the rest of my life.
In fact, I wonder if there is time to get the procedure done before the grand opening of SoSoBar next weekend. I supposed I would still be wearing the pressure bandages. But that could be funny because I could tell all the little fashion victims who frequent the hole after midnight that I saw Nicole Ritchie wearing pressure garments in Cleo and see if they turn up the next week wearing them.
Pressure garments could well be the new black.
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