I Prostituted Myself For A Vacuum Cleaner Head

I have a notoriously tricky record with vacuum cleaners. When Bad Smell and I were living together, he once caught me pushing the vacuum cleaner around our apartment in an attempt to clean. Unfortunately the vacuum wasn't on at the time. True story. As an appliance salesman, you can only imagine how he's never let me live it down.

So anyway one of the heads of my vacuum cleaner has been out of action for the last few weeks. It didn't seem to be sucking anything up anymore.

So who do I call? Bad Smell, of course. Because he's not just a fridge salesman - oh no, he has many talents and skills, most of them legal. He also sells air conditioners, washing machines and other household appliances.

He came over last night to fix it and turns out the problem was that large clumps of my long lustrous hair have been getting caught in the head. I also haven't emptied the vacuum in 18 months. No I couldn't figure that out for myself.

He conveniently timed it so he arrived when it was too late for me to turn him back out onto the street after finishing his chores. So I had to sleep with him. Well I could hardly not. Then I'd just look like a user, wouldn't I?

As it turns out, a vacuum cleaner head isn't the most ridiculous thing I've ever whored myself out for.

My Bonding Session With Jason, Queen Of The Goblins

Jason is a very strange person indeed (but you already knew that, right?). One minute you’ve been spreading malicious rumours about him and he’s threatening to get the Bandidos onto you in a massive showdown at the Megahole, the next minute he’s in love with you again.

As you may or may not know, I am the administrator of a Facebook group devoted to discussing Jason. In all actuality, there isn’t that much to discuss – he’s kind of boring after a while. However on said group there are a few references to him being a loser, smoking ice, picking up lowies, etc etc.

Anyway, long story short, Jason’s aunt found the group last weekend and Jason got mad at me again. I know, I’m still in shock that amoebas can have aunts. So on Friday night, I’m at The Oaks, blind drunk as per usual. He sends me this one message asking where I was and I told him The Oaks. Next thing you know I look up and he’s standing there. He literally appeared out of nowhere.

Jason spent the night pouring out secrets to me, after making me promise not to tell anyone. Now this was just plain stupidity on his part. He must know by now that I am incapable of keeping my mouth shut and would gossip the leg off an iron pot. So when he told me he doesn’t like Lobo, and that Bad Smell has got himself into trouble with some drug-dealing Lebs, naturally I did two things:

1. Tell my two friends immediately
2. Write about it on the Internet.

Then Jason drove me home and I spent most of the next day throwing up. The two incidents may or may not have been related.

I think I also got invited to his baby’s christening. Because Jason and I are like, you know, BFFs and stuff.

The end.

An Essay About My New Hero

I have a new hero. His name is Samuel Johnson.

I watched a documentary about Samuel Johnson on the History Channel last night and decided there and then that this was my new person to emulate.

Samuel Johnson was this guy in England in the 18th century who compiled the first ever dictionary of the English language. He was also history's most famous obsessive compulsive, capped off with a healthy dose of Tourette's syndrome. Jason is kind of like that, but without the dictionary compiling part.

A number of other interesting Samuel Johnson facts:

* Was riddled with involuntary body and facial tics

* Went into random blind rages at people for no apparent reason

* Once drank 25 cups of tea in one sitting

You can read more about my new hero here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Samuel_Johnson

It's good to have a new hero. Anyone is a step up from Jason. And he's kind of hot, don't you think?

I am going to get Miss Contradiction a copy of Samuel Johnson's biography for Christmas. She may be able to pick up a few life tips from him.

His Name Was Jason, He Was A Showgirl

You know you probably got yourself into trouble when you wake up with the business cards of several random blokes in your business card holder - and none of your own.

I am so hungover I can barely type.

God help me.