I Won 25 Cremorne Dollars

Well last night I ventured into our favourite Lower North Shore Craphole, purely to collect some money I was owed.

This was at 6pm and I stumbled out of there at 10.30pm......$50 poorer of course.

Miss Penelope and I stayed for trivia and I actually won $25 Cremorne Dollars. This is amazing because usually I am too drunk to concentrate for very long and wander off somewhere.

Penny Traition was unwell last night and was replaced by the hilarious Tora Hymen.

Miss Penelope ended up at the Cross until all hours and I stumbled home and tried to fix my leaking toilet and managed to make it worse. Note to self, do not attempt home repairs whilst 3 sheets to the wind when you can't actually manage it stone cold sober.

I will have to have Gazza come over and fix it.

Announcement: I Miss Shayne Borland

Who would have ever thought it would be possible to miss that endearing little ferret, Shayne Borland.

No one else in the area provides as much entertainment.

I miss his drug-fuelled antics, endless tall stories and compulsive lying.

Shayne Borland, we hardly knew thee.

Welcome Lady Goon

"Wine in a box, affectionately known as GOON to most Australians, has become a symbol of a cheap, enjoyable afternoon in the park. Try pegging the bladder to a Hills Hoist Clothes line for a fun game of 'Goon of fortune'."

Goon-of-fortune

Goon-of-fortune can be played at any good party, or gives any shit party a good kick. All that is needed is a goon bag and a clothesline. Everyone takes his or her position under the clothesline & the bag is pegged on. The clothesline is spun around while everyone is singing the theme song for WHEEL-OF-FORTUNE. The lucky person the bag lands on gets to have a good mouthful & the bag line is spun again till everyone is too drunk to spin."

I would just like to take the opportunity to welcome a new reader to our blog, affectionately known as Lady Goon, or Your Royal Highness.....depending on how many sheets to the wind we are at the time.

3 Sheets to the Wind

"three sheets to the wind

1. Old sailing term. After setting all three main sails to the wind, a ship will shudder and roll, much like a stumbling drunk. Now used as a synonym for drunkenness.
Don't take notice of Angus, lad, he's three sheets to the wind.

2. This old saying indicating how a person walk after having too much to drink originated in New England. Wind mills used for grinding grain had four blades. Big sheets (similar to sails) where stretched across the blades (or woven between the slates). The wind mill would wobble when only three blades were loaded, hence the term "three sheets to the wind"
After consuming a bottle of rum, Bob was walking as if he had three sheets to the wind.

3. to be explicitly drunk; inebriated origin: sheets actually refer to the ropes that are used to secure a ship's sail. If the 3 ropes used were loose in the wind, the sail would flop around, causing the ship to wobble around, much like a drunk.
Margo was three sheets to the wind by the time we made it to Doug's party, judging by her inability to keep her clothes on."

Town Bike and I can often be referred to as being 6 sheets to the wind. Sometimes 12 on special occasions.

Vote In Our Poll!

Hunter S. Thompson is my Hero

I have only just discovered this movie, and reading the book is next on my to do list.

It is hilarious.

Some favourite quotes:

Raoul Duke: We had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a saltshaker half-full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, laughers, screamers... Also, a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls. Not that we needed all that for the trip, but once you get into locked a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can. The only thing that really worried me was the ether. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge, and I knew we'd get into that rotten stuff pretty soon.

Raoul Duke: [narrating] We were somewhere around Barstow, on the edge of the desert, when the drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like: Raoul Duke: I feel a bit lightheaded. Maybe you should drive. Raoul Duke: [narrating] Suddenly, there was a terrible roar all around us, and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, and a voice was screaming: Raoul Duke: Holy Jesus. What are these goddamn animals? [swatting the air] Raoul Duke: Huh! Huh! Huh! Fucking pigs. Dr. Gonzo: Did you say something? Raoul Duke: Hm? Never mind. It's your turn to drive. Raoul Duke: [narrating] No point in mentioning these bats, I thought. Poor bastard will see them soon enough.

Dr. Gonzo: Sounds like big trouble. You're going to need plenty of legal advice before this thing is over. As your attorney, I advise you to rent a very fast car with no top. And you'll need the cocaine. Tape recorder for special music. Acapulco shirts. Get the hell out of L.A. for at least 48 hours. Blows my weekend. Raoul Duke: Why? Dr. Gonzo: Because naturally I'm going to have to go with you. And we're going to have to arm ourselves... to the teeth!

Discuss.

Contemplative Jason

Pop quiz: what is Jason thinking about??

a) Goblins
b) The new season's range of ice pipes as seen in Ice magazine
c) He is wondering why he wore his blue rag shirt instead of the moss shirt.

Balconies R Us

I am officially an idiot, if you had not come to that conclusion previously.

2 weeks ago (yes kids I have been lazy about updating you.....soz) Town Bike and I had a bender. At some stage I went home and passed out. I had in my possesion something that belonged to Town Bike and after she tried to ring me and knocked on my door a few times she let herself in (she has a key) and woke me up. This would bother some people but for some reason it didn't bother me at all.

After Town Bike toddled off home I went out for a cigarette (yes I did give up, but you try going to Europe and not taking it up again, everyone smokes, everywhere!!!) and managed to LOCK MYSELF OUT ON MY BALCONY FOR 4 HOURS.

No, I am not joking.

Luckily I was off my face.

The Fire Brigade had to rescue me.

No, I am not joking.

After I woke up my neighbours because of course my phone was inside.

Why God?? Why

It seems that Shayne Borland may have a slight issue with understanding the difference between "days" and "months".

We had only been rid of him for four days when it was overheard last night that he is cutting his "summer in Queensland" short because he misses the pub and wants to come back.

In three weeks.

ARGH YOU PROMISED US THREE MONTHS!!!!

And The Prize For The Most Confusing Facebook Status Update Goes To...

Why, Shayne Borland, of course.

"Shayne Borland wonders why the doctor was confused when I asked him 4 stilnox 2 sleep on Bribie Island, Hello Dr just came up from Sydney!!!"

WTF does that even mean? Obviously they never taught him English during his reign as supreme commander of the Comancheros.

Dear Bribie Island: Please Take Him

I was lazing around in a pool of my own crapulence at 7am this morning, trying to encourage myself to get out of bed, when my phone buzzed with a message. People rarely contact me, let alone at 7am, so I knew it could only be one person: Shayne Borland.

Shayne Borland was texting me at 7am on a Wednesday to announce that he had pills. What a fucking doofus. Who is thinking about pills on a rainy Wednesday morning.

Does he need any help with his airfare to Bribie Island? Because I am willing to pay, as long as it's a one-way ticket.

Where Did He Come From, And Can He Go Back There?

Since the sudden and mysterious appearance of Shayne Borland several months ago I have been having discussions with various people, and it appears no one quite knows where Shayne Borland emerged from. (And more importantly as an aside, is there any chance he can go back there?)

Shayne Borland spends his entire life wandering around the pub annoying other people so it seems unlikely he was there the whole time and we didn't notice him.

Another point to ponder is: why hasn't he been banned yet? Seeing as he spends the majority of time with his wobbly boot on, scaring other people and dealing drugs in plain view of everyone, it would likely be in the pub's best interest to get rid of him. Apparently he is on thin ice, but as far as I'm concerned, any ice that's preventing Shayne Borland from being banned is way too thick.

Skank is the New Black

These girls were photographed at Manly Beach recently trying to pick up blokes by writing their mobile phone numbers on their backs in blue zinc.

Not surprisingly, they had travelled to Manly from the Western Suburbs.

Perhaps I could try this at the hole?? What do you think?

Cat in a Cow Suit

Now this is my idea of a marketing strategy.....

A Chicken Suit Would Have Been Better

I was walking up Military Rd past the pub at 8am one weekday morning. No, I wasn't going to the pub, I was going to work. Anyhoo, I suddenly noticed someone dressed in a cow suit stumbling around outside the pub, harassing passers-by on the way to work.

My first thought was "did Uncle Pete pull a cow suit out of the Goodwill box again?", then someone explained to me that this is another (extremely well executed) marketing strategy by the "hole" to advertise their free-steak-with-schooner night (yeah, because when you're eating a piece of meat, you really want to associate it with the animal it came from).

Our friend Lady Goon informs us that while she was waiting at the bus stop one morning, the cow suit person approached a bus window and started banging on it with two hands. Well, if that's not going to get in more paying customers, I don't know what is.

Hotnesssssss

(L-R) Target Big & Tall Model, Shayne Borland, Charles Dae-Knight

I really like the way Shayne Borland has thrown a collared shirt over the top of his favourite blue t-shirt to give it a structured, formal edge. Don't you?

More Mingles

Do yourself a favour and check out some of the photo galleries....it's a pisser!!

http://www.mingles.com.au/gallery/

Mingles - Example of the Hotness

Discuss.....

Hooray, I Remembered my Password for Blogger

BREAKING NEWS ON JASON'S GF

Her name is Rochelle....yes....Rochelle and Jason.

They met at Mingles in Burwood.She is an alcoholic. He thinks this is a virtue rather than a vice.

According to Bad Smell she is not very attractive.

According to Bad Smell everyone is attractive so she must be pretty bloody ugly.

Shayne Borland, The Most Unintentionally Funny Person In The World

In case you couldn’t guess from the above title, I am about to write a rant about a new loser on the scene called Shayne Borland.

Let me start by saying his name isn't really Shayne Borland. I have cleverly disguised it by adding a letter to the first and last name. This is to prevent him Googling himself and finding the site. I won't tell you which letters are added. OK it's the y and the r. Yes, he does have the most bogantastic name ever.

Shayne Borland is the idiot who reckons his father owns the Cremorgue Hotel. Whether or not this is true, let me say I don't especially think it's anything to boast about.

Some other funny points about Shayne Borland:

* He has a rat's tail. Yes, a rat's tail outside of 1989.
* He stands at the door of the pub next to the bouncer handing out pills as people walk in.
* He doesn't smoke but stands on the step in the smoking area, hovering over his minions.
* He wears the same outfit all the time - 3/4 cargo pants and a blue t-shirt. Miss Contradiction and I joke that when he goes to work he still wears the outfit but just puts an elasticised tie over the top.
* Speaking of work, he revealed on Sunday that he quit his job because he prefers to go to the beach in the summer.
* He pulled out the pearler the other day that he and I were apparently a couple for one day. This must have been the day I could talk to him without laughing.

Yes, Shayne Borland truly gives us immense doses of hilarity.