I Prostituted Myself For A Vacuum Cleaner Head

I have a notoriously tricky record with vacuum cleaners. When Bad Smell and I were living together, he once caught me pushing the vacuum cleaner around our apartment in an attempt to clean. Unfortunately the vacuum wasn't on at the time. True story. As an appliance salesman, you can only imagine how he's never let me live it down.

So anyway one of the heads of my vacuum cleaner has been out of action for the last few weeks. It didn't seem to be sucking anything up anymore.

So who do I call? Bad Smell, of course. Because he's not just a fridge salesman - oh no, he has many talents and skills, most of them legal. He also sells air conditioners, washing machines and other household appliances.

He came over last night to fix it and turns out the problem was that large clumps of my long lustrous hair have been getting caught in the head. I also haven't emptied the vacuum in 18 months. No I couldn't figure that out for myself.

He conveniently timed it so he arrived when it was too late for me to turn him back out onto the street after finishing his chores. So I had to sleep with him. Well I could hardly not. Then I'd just look like a user, wouldn't I?

As it turns out, a vacuum cleaner head isn't the most ridiculous thing I've ever whored myself out for.

My Bonding Session With Jason, Queen Of The Goblins

Jason is a very strange person indeed (but you already knew that, right?). One minute you’ve been spreading malicious rumours about him and he’s threatening to get the Bandidos onto you in a massive showdown at the Megahole, the next minute he’s in love with you again.

As you may or may not know, I am the administrator of a Facebook group devoted to discussing Jason. In all actuality, there isn’t that much to discuss – he’s kind of boring after a while. However on said group there are a few references to him being a loser, smoking ice, picking up lowies, etc etc.

Anyway, long story short, Jason’s aunt found the group last weekend and Jason got mad at me again. I know, I’m still in shock that amoebas can have aunts. So on Friday night, I’m at The Oaks, blind drunk as per usual. He sends me this one message asking where I was and I told him The Oaks. Next thing you know I look up and he’s standing there. He literally appeared out of nowhere.

Jason spent the night pouring out secrets to me, after making me promise not to tell anyone. Now this was just plain stupidity on his part. He must know by now that I am incapable of keeping my mouth shut and would gossip the leg off an iron pot. So when he told me he doesn’t like Lobo, and that Bad Smell has got himself into trouble with some drug-dealing Lebs, naturally I did two things:

1. Tell my two friends immediately
2. Write about it on the Internet.

Then Jason drove me home and I spent most of the next day throwing up. The two incidents may or may not have been related.

I think I also got invited to his baby’s christening. Because Jason and I are like, you know, BFFs and stuff.

The end.

An Essay About My New Hero

I have a new hero. His name is Samuel Johnson.

I watched a documentary about Samuel Johnson on the History Channel last night and decided there and then that this was my new person to emulate.

Samuel Johnson was this guy in England in the 18th century who compiled the first ever dictionary of the English language. He was also history's most famous obsessive compulsive, capped off with a healthy dose of Tourette's syndrome. Jason is kind of like that, but without the dictionary compiling part.

A number of other interesting Samuel Johnson facts:

* Was riddled with involuntary body and facial tics

* Went into random blind rages at people for no apparent reason

* Once drank 25 cups of tea in one sitting

You can read more about my new hero here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Samuel_Johnson

It's good to have a new hero. Anyone is a step up from Jason. And he's kind of hot, don't you think?

I am going to get Miss Contradiction a copy of Samuel Johnson's biography for Christmas. She may be able to pick up a few life tips from him.

His Name Was Jason, He Was A Showgirl

You know you probably got yourself into trouble when you wake up with the business cards of several random blokes in your business card holder - and none of your own.

I am so hungover I can barely type.

God help me.

Jason Gray - Alpha Male

Town Bike and I were having a conversation with Bad Smell the other day when the subject of Jason's brother came up.

This is how Bad Smell describes him...."Imagine and older, fatter and dumber version of Jason".

What a scary thought.

As it turns out Jason also buys drugs off a bunch of guys who set his brother up on a drug deal and are now after him. It's obvious that Jason subscribes to the "Drugs are thicker than blood" theory.

Bless.

Lobo Christ, Superstar

Word on the street is that Bad Smell's new BFF, Lobo, is recording a smash hit single.

Well at least I assume it will be a smash hit single, given that Lobo is involved.

Yesterday I was hanging with Lobo and Bad Smell and Lobo was busy typing out lyrics on his computer and laying down beats or whatever the hell it is you do when you record a smash hit single.

He kept asking me for countries with certain numbers of syllables in their names to fit into his lyrics. Here were my suggestions:

Two syllables: Fiji, Thailand, Turkey, Iraq
Three syllables: New Zealand, Australia

So I'm guessing the lyrics will be something along the lines of "From New Zealand to Iraq, Lobo's hitting it out of the ballpark".

He's recording his song in a fibro house in Blacktown. Sure to be a hit. No confirmation yet on whether Jason will be doing guest vocals.

Also Mason is the new Jason.

The Year In Review - Part 2 (Scroll Down For Part One)

February is famous for Valentine’s Day, but for us, it was a different story. We were plagued by the poster formerly known as abusive anonymous guy who was convinced I was “poncho” girl (this 30-something chick who practically lives at the hole). Note: I am neither 30-something, a poncho wearer nor a chick. He made several abusive tirades regarding abusive anal sex and more. I failed to get his phone number.

In other hole news, we first encountered the Robbie impersonator in one of our off-chops nights (Robbie is some idiot who says he loves ‘dirty funken beats’ on his MySpace website. WTF??). We also met this loser in a gingham shirt who “claimed” to be in a band (note to men on the prowl: singing along drunkenly as the Piano Man plonks out his fury on the keyboard does not count as being in a band). Miss Contradiction pashed him then his girlfriend stalked me. Yes, we do meet some winners. In other news, we both wore fire-engine red Chanel lipstick.

In celebrity news, Anna Nicole Smith died and Will from Home and Away started working at the Hole. We only stalked one of them. Nautica tried to get into my pants after an absence of five years. Nautica should not be confused with an actual celebrity.

Miss Contradiction wet her pants over some big ship, we had high tea for my birthday and the domestication of the dog continued unabated.

During March, Miss Contradiction and myself decided we needed a stalking phone so we could harass people without them knowing it was us. The first order of business was to set Jason up on a wild goose (tail) chase to the Bourbon in Kings Cross. Jason was suitably humiliated; logged onto a screen and called someone. Jessgate opened the floodgates for a whole new era of Jason stalking. Usually this would involve sending Jason a text message with the word “Jason” in it. Just in case he forgot his own name.

During May, Jason and Bad Smell broke up and Bad Smell acquired a new boyfriend… Lobo. Lobo is this guy with a funny last name whom Miss Contradiction has never met. However he seems to be under the illusion that we are BFFs. The only reason I would steal him as a best friend is to get up Bad Smell’s nose. Instead, Jason made friends with a roaming band of goblins. Reports indicate that Jason and the goblin did not claim squatter’s rights at Miss Contradiction’s mother’s house. He moved to Dullards – whoops, I mean Dulwich – Hill instead.

During June, Panda arrived back on the scene. We decided to start stalking him instead of Jason. Often we would multi-task and stalk both at once. Panda is more fun than Jason. We found out that North Sydney Leagues’ and Willoughby (still) suck and I had to listen to my 80-year-old father say the words “sexual intercourse”. Still causing insomnia five months later. Also, we wrote Jason’s phone number on the blog. No one called him. What’s up with that?? Ingrates. We also moved base camp to The Oaks due to the increasing crappiness of the hole.

In July, Miss Contradiction got a special birthday present: Moll Flanders. Moll Flanders is a cheap tart (and possible smacky) who delights in making all and sundry uncomfortable with her inappropriate behaviour (another candidate for Asperger’s Syndrome if ever I saw one). In fact I haven’t seen her around for a while. Maybe she is dead.

July 17 – mark it down in your calendar so you can be alerted re: future Doomsday warnings – Jason’s baby was born. Rather (un)imaginatively, he called her Jennifer Gray. Dirty Dancing jokes ensued. Jason was stoned at the birth then hit the ice pipe later that night. It was a red letter day for Jason for two reasons: 1. The birth of his child 2. He had three types of illegal drugs in one day. Miss Contradiction acquired her own babies – Louboutin slingbacks, that is – and we joined Facebook. Hilarious cyber stalking ensued.

In August, Malcolm was (again) exposed as a fraud. Contrary to his claims, Megan Gale confirmed they are not cousins. Malcolm went back to his cave to plot further havoc. No news on when he is planning to reappear. This incident confirmed Malcolm as the prototype sociopath.

The hole introduced some trivia thing with an eight-foot tall drag queen on Thursday nights. I haven’t been yet but she is supposed to be quite hilarious. I reserve the right to be non-plussed by bitchy queens.

In September, Miss Contradiction and I posted defaced photos of Jason all over the Internet and Manly lost the NRL grand final. THIS MAY WELL HAVE BEEN THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY YEAR!! I nearly got into a fight at The Oaks badmouthing some Manly supporters. Haven’t they ever heard of the ‘truth’ defence?

In October, Miss Contradiction and I headed to Jason’s old stomping ground (Balmain) for a night out and predictably ended up at the hole. She pashed someone called Mario, I stood in the background and sniggered.

But all this paled in comparison to Jason shitting in Miss Contradiction’s bed – the incident that forever after would be known as Poopygate. Jason now has another thing to add to his list of “things I’ve lost control of” – his gambling problem, his waistline and now his bowels.

In happier news, Canada returned to the country after his deportation and is apparently firmly under the thumb. At least some of us have happy endings!

Finally, in more recent times, you may remember us making fools of ourselves in front of Cate Blanchett.

That’s all for now. Happy birthday blog! We love you! Well not really, but you get the idea.

The Year in Review - Part 1

Well groovers, our blog is officially 1 year old today.

It’s been an exciting year in the world of Cremorne, Jason and the Universe.

Allow me to re-cap the major events;

The end of 2006 started with major management fuck ups at The Hole, the nightclub closed indefinitely, and the opening date pushed back from late December to late January. Miss Bike and I resorted to stealing an invitation blue-tacked to the cash register in the bottleshop. Not very well executed may I add.

There was also a lot of infighting, namely Danny, Panda, Andy & Missingham in various combinations. There was also a record number of bannings. Toothless Pete (for life), Andy (for 3 months), Missingham (1 month), Danny (3 months). Also one banning that resulted in a deportation from the country (Canada).

The now defunct badge draw went off to a good start, until they started handing our badges to anyone and everyone, including a few local cats and a couple of dead people. Hence the numbers got up into the thousands and everyone stopped going. if it’s one thing the Hole excels at it’s a marketing disaster of grand proportions.

There was Jason’s spiritual de-pantsing, where he lost his license for the 3rd time DUI. However in true Jason style he simply drove around without one until it was returned to him. I am totally mystified at how he gets away with these things. It’s like the riddle of the Sphynx.

The Cremorne McDonalds re-opened, much to the delight of the 3 am drunken Hole patrons and the Hole introduced a Trivia night that goes for 3 hours.

In January Miss Bike and I were informed that Jason had impregnated his long suffering, almost past her use by date ex, because he felt guilty (yes kids, guilty) that she had waited around for him so long. One could argue that there is a valid reason why 2 people who obviously need floaties in the shallow end of the gene pool should not be allowed to mate, but I digress.

In relationship matters, Miss Bike and I spent entire year either not talking to, igoring, or stalking & shagging Jason & Bad Smell, in a trend we wish discontinue.

This brings me up to the end of January, part 2 to follow…..

Has Jason Found God?

Oh hang on wait, that's Russell.

Banned From Parraween Street… FOR LIFE!!

After being involved in yet another case of public mischief in Parraween Street on Saturday evening, it appears Miss Contradiction and myself may be banned from the street for life.

Miss Contradiction got wind earlier in the week that there was going to be an invaluable celebrity stalking opportunity on Saturday. Apparently some movie was premiering there or something. The details aren’t important. What is important is that an opportunity presented for us to make a spectacle of ourselves. We seized the opportunity with both hands.

We rocked up there about six, both already plastered. I had been drinking at the new and improved Kirribilli RSL all afternoon and gambling with Kelvs (as a side note, I took fixed odds on Zipping for the Cup tomorrow). Miss Contradiction had apparently been at the hairdressers all afternoon, but still somehow managed to be drunk.

So we stopped in at the BWS to grab some booze to take with us. Miss C insisted on buying some fucking fancy bottle of wine, despite me pointing out the logistics of drinking wine in the middle of the street. Wouldn’t something in individual bottles prove more appropriate for drinking in public? You’d think so. Miss Contradiction instead asked the bottleshop staff if we could have tasting glasses – you know, those little plastic ones. They couldn’t find any so instead presented us with two big, heavy, glass beer mugs that came with some promotion.

We wandered across the street and hung out with some old people, who clearly wanted us to get lost. I am getting tired of typing, so to sum up:

• Miss Contradiction tripped over one of our brand new mugs and smashed it everywhere.
• 80-year-old Kelvs drove past in his car to see what all the fuss was about and we started woohing and cheering like he was a celeb.
  
• There was a cute dog called Oscar who was excited about all the action who we were terrorising.
• I started yelling at Big Brother evictees to “get back in the house, we don’t want you here”.
• When Cate Blanchett arrived, I held up the dog and yelled “Hey Cate, do you want an Oscar”.

Then we pissed off back to the hole and ended up having Absinthe shots and more wine. Not surprisingly, I was passed out by 7.30pm.

Yes, we are very classy people.

The Jason Project

Sooooo... Is that anything like the Blair Witch Project?

I Bought...

A black wifebeater with sequins on it.

I just couldn't help myself.

It can be my 'good' wifebeater. I can wear it when attending formal occasions with Uncle Pete.

Jason Went Number Twos In Miss Contradiction's Bed During Sex

And no, it wasn't a kinky thing either. It was purely accidental and because he is filthy and disgusting.

Then he tried to blame her cat. Now trust me, Miss Contradiction's cat is a very proud purebred and would never, ever go to the toilet where she sleeps. I've shared a bed with Miss Contradiction and cat numerous times and we've never had the problem of waking up lying in excrement (yet).

Speaking of which... note to self: don't sleep in Miss Contradiction's bed again until sheets have been burned and Jason poo spirit has been exorcised.

Guess Who’s Back?

For all those who guessed Slim Shady, go and stand in the naughty corner. No, we have another bona fide local legend back in our midst: the artist formerly known as Canada (okay, he is still known as that).

An introduction to Canada

It all started surprisingly enough in the country of Canada around 30 years ago, with the birth of a child (also called Canada). Actually he does have another name, but I forget what it is. Oh and also, he may not actually be from Canada as he claims, given that his accent is more like a Cockney bootblack (“shine yer shoes, guv?”) than a Canadian local.

Canada was a Megahole regular for some years before getting himself deported last December. Well he tried to be a regular, but would routinely get ejected every Friday and Saturday night by 10pm. The reason for this is that he has absolutely no control over his demeanour or behaviour when he’s off his face, and would sit slumped in a couch making no effort to hide the fact that he was off his dial.

In fact, Canada fancied himself as something of a small-time dealer. If this was the case, he was certainly the most inept drug dealer I’ve ever met. He would sit in the pub talking about how good his “gear” was at the top of his voice, then launch into a session of aforementioned slumping and gurning, as described above.

So then he got deported last December and had to marry some Western Suburbs slurry in order to be allowed to come back into the country in six months. At Villawood Detention Centre next to the Coke machine, no less. I think he also knocked her up. Also at Villawood Detention Centre next to the Coke machine. But now he’s back!!

Word on the street is that Canada is celebrating his re-entry into Australia with copious amounts of illicit substances. That’s my boy!

Rocket Rod will be most pleased indeed to have his little playmate back.

Any bets on how long until he’s deported again?

It's All Miss Contradiction's Fault

Did you know that it's all Miss Contradiction's fault that the favourite Maldivian got scratched from the Caulfield Cup after braining itself on the barrier?

Well, this is according to my father (Kelvs), who made this outlandish claim while we were down at the Mosman RSL yesterday afternoon watching the race and getting blind drunk.

My father, who was quite the ladies' man back in the day, has clearly gone senile in the last few years as he says some very strange things to Miss Contradiction, including:

* Stating that she had 'redeemed herself for the Maldivian affair' after he backed a winner a few races later
* Threatening to kneecap her
* Telling her to think of original things to say after she agreed with him once

My father is a strange man.

Hope it doesn't run in the family.

Coming Soon: The Misadventures Of Mr Poopy Pants

This story is so disgusting that I can't bring myself to type it.

Disgusting, but hilarious, and a serious threat to my already tenuous hold on my sexuality.

Yes, dear blog stalkers, after hearing this story I may truly never have sex again.

Jason.

Penny Traiton

OK, after a long hiatus, I am back to blogging.

It pains me deeply to admit it, but Thursday nights at the Hole have livened up no end with the addition of the 7ft tall bingo calling drag queen "Penny Traiton".

We are even friends on Facebook.

The best part is when the local losers try to heckle her, she absolutely tears them to shreads with her wonderfully acidic repartee.

In other news, I had 3 alcoholic days this week and I think my body went into shock.

No News To Report

Please note that there is no news to report. Except that Andrew texted me at 2am last Friday morning asking for my hand in marriage.

AS IF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If You Could Date Anyone In The World, Who Would It Be?

My choice is Sonic The Hedgehog, but only because Mario is in a complicated relationship right now.

Our Adventures In Jason’s Old Stomping Ground

Did you know that Jason is apparently a ‘Balmain Boy’ at heart? Well this is according to him. He lived there for about six months once and now considers himself a Balmain Boy. He likes the aura of working class-meets-yuppy chic that being a Balmain Boy gives him. Let’s face it Jason, you’re a Liverpool Boy through and through. Stop trying to talk yourself up.

The point of all this is that Miss Contradiction and I decided to have a night out in Balmain on Saturday night. We quite enjoy the suburb from time to time but don’t call ourselves Balmain Girls just because we walked down Darling Street once.

So we went to the Exchange Hotel and decided to be sociable. Miss Contradiction was bumbling around in a drunken haze and crashed a buck’s party. She literally walked through the cordoned off bit and didn’t notice the sign and cordon until I pointed it out. The bucks were funny for a while but then we noticed they were making fun of us so decided to pack it in for the night.

We ended up back at the hole. It was packed. This might sound like a good thing but trust me, it wasn’t. You literally couldn’t throw a glass without hitting someone who was either psychotic, 12 years old or dressed badly. There was one particular car crash who I just couldn’t stop staring at – a blonde piece in a white mini skirt, thigh-high white stockings and some weird pink thing wrapped around her neck or head (can’t quite remember, I was drunk). For starters, without being bitchy, she didn’t have the figure for it (well no one has the figure for a fashion disaster like that, quite frankly), and secondly, even if it WAS a dare or fancy dress you still shouldn’t wear that sort of thing in polite society.

So we migrated upstairs to the erstwhile ‘real man’s room’ (RMR) for a game of pool. After having a groove to the Pointer Sisters’ “Jump (For My Love)” (I seem to remember doing some of my jazz ballet moves circa 1986) we noticed that two blokes had infiltrated the RMR. Long story short, Miss Contradiction ended up pashing someone called Mario and basically told him that he was taking her out for dinner. Poor, poor Mario. It was a tragedy when he ran off. Well, not really because I drank the rest of his drink.

The end.