Agony Aunts Part 154

Ask all your questions about life, love and the universe here and I'll attempt to solve them in my usual rambling fashion.

All sexual propositions should go here too.

Love,
Town Bike

Soulmate Update 27.04.07 – Keep Your Pants On, It’s Here!!

Well I was going to write about the debauchery Miss Contradiction and I got up to on Anzac Day last night but lo and behold I came home and my computer decided to have an unscheduled conniption. Needless to say Law & Order seemed to be a more enticing option than reformatting my computer so therefore you didn’t get a blog entry. I blame Jason.

This is aside from the fact that I was pretty out of it on Anzac Day and don’t really remember much of it to report on besides Miss Contradiction, Bubbles and I forcing a poor old ex-serviceman to talk to us at the RSL.

Oh yeah and the majority of the day’s stalking action took place before 9am – Bad Smell turned up randomly on my doorstep at 8am (he had been drinking at the dawn service since 4am), clearly expecting sex. Luckily I wasn’t there at the time.

But anyway. As you all know my soulmate is scheduled to arrive by the middle of the year and I am yet to hear sight or sound of him/her so I decided to go back and get my tarot done at this place in St Leonards to get some more info. I thought seeing as it’s closer to the date she might be able to provide me with a phone number or at least a vague general description.

But no. All she could tell me was that I will have a fling with a younger man first then settle down with a wealthy businessman, with a MARRIAGE (can you believe it) on the cards in the next 12 months. Well I never.

Now I’m puzzling to work out who this wealthy businessman can be. Here are some options we’ve come up with so far:

· Jason (he is the manager of a whitegoods department and knows some influential people in the drug industry)
· Uncle Pete (he runs his own ‘after hours’ business)
· ??? (Ok I only have two options).

She also decided to freak me out by saying at some point randomly ‘your mother is standing behind you right now, by the way’ and I was thinking great, I haven’t seen my mother alive for 13 years and here am I not wearing my best underwear!!

Uncanny.

To The Poster Who Asked About Full Frontal Lobotomies

Being a good Agony Aunt, I feel compelled to oblige.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...

FRANCES FARMER

The most famous labotomy victim of all time.

Make your own conclusions about whether it was real or not. I have mine.

Is Craig Wing The Biggest Fairy Ever?

I hate Craig Wing with a passion. (He of Sydney Roosters NRL fame.)

I can't find the exact picture I'm looking for on Google, but there was this photo of him on the catwalk for Peter Morrissey wearing pink slacks, a stripey pink shirt and sunglasses on a chain around his neck.

In fact I hate him so much that I cut that photo out of a magazine and defaced it while I was living with Bad Smell, then stuck it on the fridge.

Even my 80-year-old father (gambler extraordinaire and dapper man about town) who loves everything NRL (dad used to play first grade for the Bulldogs) dislikes Craig Wing.

When he saw the abovementioned photo he famously said "that's a bit of a strange get-up" which has now become my catchcry for every strange outfit I see on the street/at the pub.

He also made several derogatory comments questioning Wing's sexual preferences that I can't repeat here due to them being politically incorrect but I think you get the gist anyway.

I prefer to call him a fairy.

Here's a list of other things I also hate:

* Brunch
* Tennis
* Metrosexuals
* Sobriety

(Late addition: Photo of Craig Wing found. Thank you anonymous)

Quick Question

Miss Contradiction and I were trying to work out last night whether or not the licensee is gay.

Although the high number of pink shirts in his wardrobe would suggest otherwise, I say no, he doesn't actually set my highly refined gaydar off.

Other people (mainly blokes) claim he is.

Discuss.

P.S. Miss Contradiction likes him more than me.

Friday The 13th

Well once again Friday the 13th will be here again at the end of the week.

I picked up some sort of pamphlet thingy at the pub while I was drunk over the weekend and note that there is to be some sort of 'gang bang' in Sobar on Friday. That's exciting. And they call it an unlucky day. Pfft.

I'll be there with bells on.

I assume a Gang Bang is some sort of cool music thing that I'm not privy to.

Happy (Insert Generic Religious Holiday Here)

Well I have a busy day ahead of me (of drinking) and will be incommunicado for much of the day.

There's nothing like a good ol' four-day bender to celebrate the birth/death/marriage of God or whatever the hell it is this holiday is about.

I must find some new stalking victims this weekend. Any applicants can contact the stalking phone (number is to your right).

I will be most disappointed if there are no applicants.

In the meantime, here's something to brighten up your day (well at least my day)

Who Is Going To The Vag Draw Tonight?

I am seriously considering it.

Though I never win, at least there is cheap champy.

I wonder whose &^$% I have to **$% to win the damn thing.

I am in a vulgar mood today.

Trivia Question

How many countries in the world have daylight savings? No really, how many?

Stalking Update 01.04.07

Here's a list of people Miss Contradiction and I were stalking last night whilst off our faces, both on the stalking phone and in person:

* Andrew
* Jason
* Bad Smell
* Kylie Mole
* Red Blob
* Panda
* Licensee
* Random 20 year olds
* The guy we thought was Robbie several weeks ago (also found out it wasn't actually Robbie)

One of them has to give in and sleep with me eventually.

Abusive Anonymous Guy

The abusive anonymous guy was here this afternoon and didn't leave a message. Let's coax him out of hiding.

He intrigues me. I don't care if he thinks I'm ugly - he's probably right.

God bless you and the mule you rode in on, abu-anon.

Stupid Man

Some guy followed me home last night. Sucks to be me.

Luckily I'd had enough to drink and was paralytic at the time and barely remember the details today.

Perhaps he was hoping to give me advice on getting rid of my fat love handles.

Yes Miss Penelope and I did win trivia last night under team name 'microhole'. Last thing I remember from Tuesday night is pouring champagne into the trophy and drinking out of it.

LONG LIVE MICROHOLE!!!!!

P.S. The licensee is quite hot.

LONG LIVE MICROHOLE!!!!!!

I'd like to thank God, and the Academy...

Does Anyone Else Think That 90% Of MySpace Profiles Are Damn Annoying?

I hate MySpace. It seems most of the girls have posed photos of themselves acting like whores (topped off with a photo of them where the camera is on an angle and they are trying to pout seductively whilst dressed cheaply in their Supre specials) while the boys are all apparently tryhard DJ wannabes. In fact the least annoying profiles are probably the fake accounts that are used to distribute spam.

And the bloody page layout is so difficult on the eye especially when you consider the outrageous colour schemes most people have selected for their page. It appears that the majority of people don't actually check what the colours and patterns look like together before publishing their site and just place them randomly as they go.

Do you know what else blows? Australia's Got Talent.

This bad weather is fun.

Bad Smell has been stalking me all weekend. Apparently he has evicted Jason from his house. Back to Liverpool with you Jason.

Leopard Skin Robes = New Black?

So I am at home watching The Departed (great movie by the way, Marky Mark is strangely sexy in it) and getting drunk and I notice Jack Nicholson's character wears a very striking leopard skin robe in one scene.

WHERE THE HELL CAN I GET MYSELF ONE OF THOSE??? So cool... oh that's right, it's in the back of my car.

WHEN ARE YOU COMING TO GET YOUR LEOPARD SKIN COAT MISS CONTRADICTION?? AHAHAHA.

I decided not to inflict my particular brand of unpleasantness on the world today. I think that's best for all concerned.

HELLO WTF?????

Okay well this is weird. Here was I, casually passed out after a drinking binge, and I wake up at 5am still drunk. And lo and behold Bad Smell is trying to 'booty call' me. Hello, do you not remember a certain 'pranking incident' where we completely humiliated you and your mate Jason??? Why would you even want to sleep with me? Are you that desperate?? Yes I know I am a fantastic root but is it really worth your dignity???

Oh yes, he is very good at wooing, the two messages I had were 'I am so horny' and 'I have my place to myself'. WELL IF THAT ISN'T ENOUGH TO MAKE ME RUN ACROSS TO RANDWICK AND HOP INTO BED WITH HIM, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS!!! So I write back at 5am and say 'you can't booty call me, it ain't healthy'. 5 mins later I get a call from a private number (obviously he has been stalking people too because that's my old trick) and I don't answer private numbers. My voicemail rings and he makes some weird arse sigh down the phone. FFS, KEEP YOUR WEIRD MASTURBATION RITUALS AWAY FROM ME!!! JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN ON AN ICE BINGE DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN FILL THE HOURS UNTIL DAWN BY ANNOYING ME!! P.S. I AM NOT INTO CASUAL MEANINGLESS SEX!!! OK I am, just not with you.

The end.

So Gay Bar Opening...

Well kids, it was the 'mega-opening of the So-bar' last night, as reported by the Sunday Telegraph last Sunday. Mind you this announcement was on page a gazillion and 10 and had to share its bullet point with something about an aboriginal youth group.

No, I wasn't invited as I am obviously over 18 and don't dress like a $2 hooker (my look is more mid - high class hooker) so my update will be limited.

'Legs' aka door bitch looked resplendent in her muff grazing white babydoll-esque dress and a fetching purple curtain was draped outside the entrance to shield the VIP guest from having the C-Lounge patrons within their sites. Numerous security had been employed to keep out the riff-raff no doubt and anyone over the age of 18.

In a moment of playfulness I asked one of the security staff who you had to sleep with to get an invite and I think he thought I was serious. Obviously not too much going on between the ears there!!!

Anyway, that's when I got bored and went home.

Was anyone there? Any z-grade celebrity appearances....like Dougie the Pizza Boy or Will from Home & Away....?

Oh hang on, he works there...

PlayStation 3 Launches Tonight

And I've already had one in the office for the past couple of weeks.

I wonder if I can sneak it home with me and save myself a thousand bucks.

HA

Wherefore Art Thou Duromine?

I hear through the grapevine that doctors are no longer as willing to prescribe my favourite prescription drug, the hardcore weight loss pill Duromine, even to overweight people.

Considering I am well within the healthy weight range it has always been slightly harder for me to be prescribed it, though I do have my tricks (which I am not going to divulge here).

Of course one of the 'fortunate' side effects is not only that you lose weight at an alarming rate, but you also walk around the entire time as if you are speeding and eventually you have a nervous breakdown.

But most importantly, you lose weight for special events (such as going out on a Saturday night and trying to pick up).

I miss Duromine. I remember fondly the time Miss Contradiction and I were so desperate to be off our faces and seeing as we had no other options we decided to shaft a couple of Duromines.

Which is only marginally better than the time we decided to shaft a couple of Zolofts and follow it up later in the night with a few Valiums.

After which Jason broke into Miss Contradiction's house and filmed us sleeping (we were so out of it that we had no idea he was there).

Rather adorably, Miss Contradiction is trying to spoon me in the film clip, which Jason sent to me on my mobile phone.

We are very classy women.

Keep Pranking, Robbie!