Pheromone Wipes are the New Black

Ah yes, another fun filled weekend at the Hole.

After the shenanigans with the stalking phone on Friday, and our subsequent boozy afternoon on Saturday, we were back for some more boozing on Sunday.

Town Bike and myself came across a new phenomenon (maybe not new, but new to us - however I digress) that resides in the male toilets called a 'Pheromone Wipe'

Check out the spiel on the Internerd:

'Pheromones are chemicals that send out subconscious scent signals to the opposite sex that naturally trigger attraction, arousal and readiness for sex. When a woman receives the chemical-hormonal signals, she automatically, instinctively responds - without even realizing what is drawing her to you.'

We immediately pounced on the nearest male we could find to purchase us some of these magical wipes. After dousing ourselves liberally in this disinfectant potion, we discovered it really does nothing at all.

Jason is apparently a fan of these wipes. Must be what attracts women of the calibre of 'Jess' to him.

Except for making people go mental. Last night we had another punchon followed by another lifetime banning and a whole lot of other hoo-haa that luckily transpired after my graceful exit (i.e walking out of my own accord and not running into the flower pots on the way out.)

Banned From The Pub: The New Black?

It has come to our attention that getting banned from the pub is the new pastime du jour for the regulars and semi-regulars of Cremorne.

Perhaps after years of spending TOO MUCH time at the pub, many familiar faces feel that the only way to improve on spending every waking moment at the Megahole is to be denied entry altogether.

Here’s our tribute to those who have gone before us into banning paradise, and those who really should be banned.

The recently banned

Stalker (does anyone know his real name? – Peter and some Polish last name that sounds suspiciously like 'smorgasboard', we have just been told): For services rendered to the stalking community and giving so much excitement to all the locals of Cremorne.

Rocket Rod: For being a lascivious arseclown. With him gone, who will comment on our chests and/or lovely red lips? Or remind us that “these fists have hit women before”. Very attractive behaviour indeed and almost certain to get a girl in the sack.

Andy: For getting into a fight with Missingham.

Missingham: For getting into a fight with Andy.

Danny: For getting into a fight with Panda.

Panda: For getting into fights with everybody.


Those who should be banned

Rachel (2NDSWM): Because she has lego hair and used to go out with Jason, rending her unfit to be alive.

Jason (AKA Dave Gray; Faggotini; Russell Crowe): Because he is Jason, and (ir)relevant. Plus he wears an ugly overcoat and looks like an extra who has been ejected from the set of Romper Stomper.

Kylie & Jen: Does this really need an explanation? I think not.

Uncle Pete: Just so he goes home sometime. Actually he gets a mini ban every night so maybe this is a little extreme. But all is forgiven come beer-o-clock the next day – ie, 3pm on weekdays and 11am on weekends – and he's back in the pub, greeting the new sunrise with a fresh schooie.

Becky: See above.

Miss Contradiction and Town Bike: So we can be up with the trend.

Top 10 Reasons Why Cremorne Really IS The New Black

10. More pubs and bottle shops per capita than any other suburb on the lower North Shore.
9. The punch-ons and stalkings flow free and fast.
8. More faux bisexuality and lesbianism than you can poke a stick at.
7. $5 cocktails at the RSL.
6. The women are loose 'n' easy.
5. Uncle Pete - need I say more?
4. The footpaths are quite adequate.
3. No matter where you look, you can always find some idiot to keep you entertained.
2. The disabled toilets at the Metropole.

And the number 1 reason why Cremorne is the new black is...

1. BECAUSE JASON DOESN'T LIVE ANYWHERE NEAR HERE!!

HURRAY FOR LIFE!!!