GROSS

I just heard the grossest thing ever.

I had to meet Bad Smell at the hole last night. I am selling him my Origin tickets for tonight as I have a feeling Queensland will win and my dad (whom I was going to take with me) isn’t feeling well so I decided to sell them to Bad Smell. I am not really in the mood to sit in the freezing cold only to watch NSW get beaten.

But I digress. So I met Smell at the hole at about 5.30pm. I seriously just wanted to get my money and go home so I could watch Law & Order in peace. But no. I had to stay with him while he had a couple of beers. I sipped daintily on a soda water wishing I were at home. Then I said ‘ok I’m going to go home now’ and he walked out with me. Fair enough, I thought, he’s going to the bus stop. But no. HE FOLLOWED ME HOME. Uninvited. Needless to say my cranky, sick 80-year-old father wasn’t happy to see my loser ex-boyfriend trailing in after me.

And then he asked if he could stay the night. What was I supposed to say? Thanks for the $200, now piss off? So I let him. Against my better judgement, because these days I hate having anyone else in my bed. I need space to writhe around in my sleep.

When he tried to put the moves on me in bed I pretended to be asleep. When that didn’t work, eventually I told him I had my period. Seriously. There are only so many times in the space of a month a girl can have her period.

So I managed to get out of sex. Then just now, my dad gave me a lift to work and I had to listen to him say “Is Bad Smell still having sexual intercourse with you, if so be careful because he’s probably sleeping with some lowlife sluts now you’re not around”. Yes, he said the phrase SEXUAL INTERCOURSE. Oh my God. I feel so unclean. I’m never having sex again after hearing my father say the phrase SEXUAL INTERCOURSE.

I had to reassure him that is definitely not the case and I have no interest in Bad Smell whatsoever anymore. In fact, I would rather have sex with a rotary cheese grater (pictured above).

My dad probably doesn’t believe me, but seriously, EWWWWWW.

P.S. Jason's baby is due in a matter of weeks and he was out at The Attic in Balmain on the weekend hitting on anything with boobs and a pulse. Are you scared yet?

Willoughby, the Siberia of the North Shore?

Why is it that certain residents of Willoughby feel the need to infiltrate the Cremorgue Hotel?

I don’t understand it personally.

Can’t they frequent the Great Northern, Longueville or some other equally superior licensed establishment?

I mean, these people actually go OUT OF THEIR WAY to come to the den of crapulence.

That is even sadder than being within stumbling distance.

GO HOME LOSERS!!!!!

North Sydney Leagues = Panthers Of The North?

On Saturday afternoon, Miss Contradiction and my family (ie my sister, father and myself) ventured to the Belgian Beer Café ‘Epoque’ in Cammeray for lunch. $170 later (yes Miss C and I ate and drank very well for two people at the end of a pay cycle) we decided to stumble across the road to North Sydney Leagues so we could continue drinking and so my dad could do his arse on the horses (it was a Saturday, after all).

WHAT ON EARTH HAS HAPPENED TO THE PLACE?? I haven’t been there for a couple of years and admittedly I was off my face the last time I was there but still…

They say that Panthers ‘World of Entertainment’ in Penrith has 1% of all the pokie machines in the world. If that is true, then… North Sydney Leagues certainly has a lot of pokie machines too. In fact the whole place has become over run with them.

More pokies than you can point an ice pipe at and $45 for a bottle of Oyster Bay? Very disappointed, North Sydney Leagues.

On the way out, we decided to test out the breathalyser machine. Despite the fact that Miss Contradiction and I had EXACTLY the same amount to eat and drink (two 500ml Stellas at Epoque and we shared a bottle of wine at the club) I managed to blow 0.089 while she only blew 0.029. Yes, scarily, legally Miss Contradiction could have driven us home.

What’s up with that??

ROY RULES!!!

ROY RULES!!!

How Fantastic Is Her Style??

I loved what she was wearing last night, loved her hair, loved that I could never pull it off, loved everything.

Love, love, love!!

Not the most flattering photo, by the way.

Send her to Europe and get her on a runway stat!!

P.S. Sorry Steph but you will never be a runway model. Let's just accept that you're made for Dolly - and leave it at that.

P.P.S. Jodhi Meares should never be allowed to host anything ever again

Anyone...?

Does anyone want to pay me $7000 for sex?

Anyone?

I am also open to offers of being someone's mistress.

Panda The Photo Op Whore!!!!!

This is our friend/stalkee Panda at The Oaks last Saturday night.

He likes to 'Panda' to the occasion!!

P.S. What is Panda's real name.

Australia's Next Top Model

I have long been addicted to the 'Next Top Model' series. It all started with America's Next Top Model and this season I've actually gotten into Australia's Next Top Model (series three). In fact I have become quite obsessed with it!

There is something so appealing about watching these girls under 20 bitch and cavort. It reminds me of my misspent youth (but without the modelling assignments and striking good looks).

Well, it's the finale tomorrow. I am firmly in camp Alice. Yes, she is very thin and looks like she might topple over at the first gust of wind. But aren't models supposed to be thin?? Let's face it, clothes hang better on a slight frame. Take it from someone with reasonable sizeable breasts - well cut designer clothes look like SHIT on your typical curvy body.

At first I didn't see the appeal but now I think she's kind of ethereally pretty.

I'd much prefer her to Steph H, who is also very pretty but I really can't warm to someone who calls Morocco 'Marocca' and isn't sure whether chile is a country or a sauce.

The Bland Canyon ANTM wrap ups are also very funny. I spent two hours reading them on Friday and trying to smother my laughter at my desk.

Weekend Update With Town Bike

After many weeks of sloth-like hibernation, Miss Contradiction and myself decided it was time to ‘get our drink on’ on Friday night and head out for some quality binging and stalking.

We started off at Cabana Bar on Friday in what was already a considerable state of inebriation. I was quite bemused to find that one of my old acquaintances was already there. Suffice to say that I took great pleasure in noting her washed out appearance. Schadenfreude at its finest.

Miss Contradiction and I then decided we’d had enough of the overly trendy surrounds of the Cabana Bar and headed back to our spiritual home – the megahole – for some more shenanigans. I seem to remember playing pool and also going into the So-So-Bar at one stage after Miss Contradiction told the door thugs that I was her ‘bitch’. You wish!!

Anyway. We then proceeded to get bored of the So-So-Bar and ended up sitting downstairs for about five hours – as we always do – even though the place was fairly deserted.

And then one of our old nemesises – let’s call her Slapporn – decided to befriend Miss Contradiction and monopolise her attention. Now if you’re familiar with Slapporn (hint: her nickname Slapporn rhymes with her actual name) you’ll know that she is the REAL Town Bike. Yes, I may call myself Town Bike on a blog, but I couldn’t hold a candle to her overly enthusiastic vagina.

Not only is she a grade-A slapper, but she also calls herself ‘bisexual’. Now I may attract much abuse for saying this, but ‘bisexuality’ really pisses me off. Are you gay or not? Most of the time ‘bisexuals’ are actually ‘faux bisexuals’ and are just saying it to create controversy and thus attract attention. I believe Slapporn to be a faux bisexual.

Anyway. At one stage I noticed Miss Contradiction was in tears while Slapporn was gushing effusively over her. Although Miss Contradiction does like a good cry when drunk (GOD that is so annoying, by the way, you really have to stop doing that), I’ll be damned if anyone but me makes her cry.

So I started eavesdropping on the conversation and worked out that Slapporn was feeding Miss Contradiction a load of bullshit so she could upset her, comfort her and then look like a hero as Miss Contradiction has an unwell family member at the moment. So I turned around politely and pointed out that Slapporn is not a doctor and was not in a position to offer a sight-unseen prognosis in the middle of the pub at 2am. SERIOUSLY SLAPPORN, IF YOU CAN DIAGNOSE SOMEONE'S CONDITION WITHOUT EVEN BEING IN THE SAME ROOM AS THEM, WHY AREN'T YOU OUT CURING CANCER INSTEAD OF WASTING YOUR TIME SPREADING HERPES AROUND THE LOCAL PUB!!

Well Slapporn did not take kindly to that at all, let me tells ya. She went ballistic and started calling me an ‘idiot’ and a ‘stupid girl who doesn’t know anything’. Well I am many things, but stupid isn’t one of them. And as for calling me a little girl – what, is that supposed to be an insult?? Yes, I may be 10 years younger than her and THANK GOD FOR THAT!!

So I calmly pointed out that she has slept with at least three-quarters of the suburb and she then decided to GRAB MY PONYTAIL AND PULL MY HAIR. And she calls me childish?? Joke was on her because I haven’t washed my hair for nearly six weeks!

So that was our Friday night. It’s been a while since I was in a bitch fight – it was fun!

Now you know why a lot of people dislike me.

You're Frozen, When Your Crack Pipe's Broken

I was thinking last night how cool it is on TV shows when a particular character has a theme song that plays whenever they walk in the room, do something stupid, have a dramatic conniption, etc. Then I got to thinking, why can't I have a theme song? Why should it be limited to characters on TV? What have they got that I don't? (Yes I admit I may have been influenced by 'The Family Guy' in saying this).

So I have decided I would like my theme song to be 'Mmmm Bop' by Hanson. I would like to think it would be played whenever I make an entrance, have an inner monologue as per 'The Wonder Years' or attempt to seduce a man etc.

I also nominate Jason's song to be either 'Ice' by Magic Dirt or 'Frozen' by Madonna (in keeping with the ice theme).

And I think the Hotel Cremorne's theme song should be 'I Like To Have A Beer With Duncan' by Slim Dusty. This song could be played whenever the cameras are doing an establishing shot inside or outside the pub.

I love to have a beer with Duncan
I love to have a beer with Dunc
We drink in moderation
And we never ever ever get rollin' drunk
We drink at the Town and Country Hotel Cremorne
Where the atmosphere is great
I love to have a beer with Duncan
'Cause Duncan's me mate, yeah

What would your theme song be?

New Suburb To Avoid!!

Dulwich Hill has now been tainted by the shadow of Jason.

Yes, he now lives there with his brother, who happened to be a crack cocaine dealer when living in the US.

I guess being a complete and utter drain on society IS a genetic trait after all!

As long as he doesn't come any closer to Cremorne, I can live with it.

The hole gets worse

I just can't understand how the Cremorne Hotel managed to spend over $2 mill renovating the nightclub and turn it into the Ho bar. Ooops sorry, the So bar. Yet they can't afford to supply soap in the toilets.

Miss Contradiction and myself yesterday experienced the downstairs toilets at their worst. Not only was there no soap, no hand dryer or hot water (which is quite a common affair). Someone had actually shitted on the toilet seat. And to make it even worse it had been smeared all over the seat. Now I know that a lot of freaks hang out in the C-Lounge but I didn't think animals were allowed inside. I mean seriously, how the hell do you miss the hole in the toilet seat unless you are standing on the toilet seat.

Another issue we raised was that if there is no soap, hot water and hand dryer and the female staff use the same facilities, how do they wash their hands properly before they cut the limes/handle food e.t.c

Surprisingly when the issue was bought up with the bar staff some hand soap and hand towels were then placed into the bathroom and the door of the cubicle in name was locked.

Such a classy joint.

Jason?

http://www.smh.com.au/news/national/driver-banned-until-2020-charged-again/2007/05/28/1180205121959.html

Oh hang on. Jason hasn't been 25 for many years.

Must be his brother.

Or a goblin.

Don't Forget - You Heard It Here First!!!

As you all know, we here at 'Cremorne - The New Black' strive to bring you the latest news on Lower North Shore fashions and trends. We pride ourselves on this website being the Kate Moss of Cremorne, if you will.

Well I hate to gloat, but you will notice that 'squatting' has proved to be a hot topic recently (as evidenced by its appearance on that shining beacon of journalistic standards, Today Tonight).

Yes that's right, you heard it here first that squatting was the new black, way back in November 2006 (before our spiritual leader Pete was banned).

Perhaps if Jason gets sick of squatting at Miss Contradiction's mother's place, he can move into the Antler Bar at the hole!! Won't that be fun for all of us!

That's right, dear blog stalkers, stick with us and you'll always be on the cutting edge of Cremorne/Mosman/Neutral Bay fashions!

Squatters Rights

Recently the occasion arose where I had to consider letting someone house sit my Mum’s place to look after her cat. I had decided that Miss Penelope might be a willing candidate as her current flatmate is a neat freak to the point of ridiculousness, somewhat like the husband on ‘Sleeping with the Enemy’.

One of my Mum’s friends suggested that this was not a good idea as;

1. My friends might pinch something, and;
2. may claim squatters rights and never leave.

SQUATTERS RIGHTS?????????????????????????

I think she came across this theory whilst watching “Today Tonight”…..enough said.

Who does this woman think I associate with? I am hardly going to let someone like Jason stay there. He would sell the place more than likely.

My Mum’s friends are idiots!!!

Things You Shouldn't Do!

1. Try to swallow one of those big Aspro Clear dissolvable tablet thingies whole like a normal Panadol. You will spend 10 minutes choking in the bathroom.

The Rumours Are True!!

Yes, I can confirm that the rumours are true about my latest beauty experiment.

I haven't washed my hair for four-and-a-half weeks!!

(With shampoo and conditioner, that is. I still rinse it in the shower).

At first it felt like hell but in the last week it's turned a corner and IT FEELS FINE!!

I'M NEVER USING SHAMPOO AND CONDITIONER AGAIN!!

The end.

A Goblin And His Ice Are Soon Parted

Goblin

Guess What?? I've Been Dumped!! Again!!

Yes, the hole and I have broken up.

It appears I am no longer receiving those weekly text message updates of cheap drinks etc.

In fact I had to 'phone a friend' to find out there is $3 champy for the State of Origin tonight.

Well, megahole, I hope you're happy!!

(I miss those text messages. They used to provide a small flash of comic relief in an otherwise boring working day)

Come in and see the Good, Good, Good Guys!

I was getting ready for work the other morning, watching Mel & Kochie on Sunrise, when a Good Guys ad came on. Normally I cringe and change the channel, however on this occasion I paused to watch it.

I was immediately impressed by the amount of backflips and sea shanty type dance moves all timed perfectly to that catchy little jingle.

It then occured to me that it must of been Jason who co-ordinated that little number, drawing on his experince in the 'Jokers' dance troupe. You know, the one he was in in his youth (ie a very long time ago) that had 'dance offs' with other dance troupes.

It is just a shame that Jason himself does not appear in the ad. I feel quite ripped off.