Combine copious amounts of alcohol with boredom and you have a recipe for one thing: disaster.
Well, make that two things. You also have a recipe for pub gossip.
I love pub gossip. I spread a lot of it myself, even when I've got a pretty fair idea it isn't true. It just makes a drinking session that much more fun.
Over the years I've apparently been both a lesbian and a prostitute. I WISH!!! If only I were that interesting. The truth is far more mundane: real lesbians wouldn't have a bar of me and likewise no one would bother to pay me for sex.
I mean, come on!! Which one am I?? A lesbian or a prostitute?? Because surely I can't be both... unless I am a lesbian prostitute. Now that would be interesting and controversial. However I believe someone we all know and look down on already has the lesbian hooker angle covered.
Actually I think Pete may have started both those rumours.
Let's make a list of all the best rumours that have been started over the past few years. You can use code names to protect the innocent.
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I have to say that if I have talked to anyone of the opposite sex for more than 10 minutes, then I am sleeping with them. I think I must have slept with half the pub.
Oh and I'm doing a female member of staff becuase we hugged each other. I am a lesbian too!
Here's the formula:
Sitting with female friends >> Lesbian
Not sitting with friends >> Prostitute
You can't win!!
In other news, I had a CT scan on my back this morning and I have two bulging discs and - get this - osteo-arthritis in my back!! SERIOUSLY!! How old am I, 26 or 76?? Who gets osteoarthritis in their 20s??
That's not good. I'll see if I can pick up a zimmer frame on ebay for you. Maybe I can find a spare back...you can find anything on ebay these days!!!
Now I'm going to feel even older when hanging (hobbling) around the SoSoBar.
Goddamn.
I am going to ignore my birthday when it rolls around.
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