Friday, 5 January 2007

Agony Aunts Pt II

Now I know how hard it is to ask for help so I am giving you one last chance.

Ask Aunty Town Bike for help re: your relationship troubles and you won't have to get your head smacked in.

This is it: ask for help or I'm shutting up shop and taking my god damn blog with me.

This is the official blog for all youngsters who are having trouble with the opposite sex and need advice.

Unfortunately in my 26 years on the earth I have run the full gamut of male behaviour and can give you the best advice re: entrapping a potential partner into your web of intrigue and sex.

Take my advice as a woman of the world and the drink and you will be repaid handsomly in words.

Otherwise I'm picking up my laptop and my blog and going home.

So ask away with your relationship/girl questions. Because I'm so good at that!

Here's an example of questions I'm anticipating:

Q: I've seen this ho from across the pub and I really want to get into her pants. What do I do??

A: My son, you need to bide your time. Buy her a drink, make conversation. Then wait until her friends have left. Follow her home and wait behind some bushes. Stick out your foot and trip her over and then pretend like you didn't do it. Then offer to take her to the hospital to fix her ankle. When the nurses aren't looking you can jump her.

SEE? I'm good at this. Ask away.

6 comments:

Miss Contradiction said...

Yes, that's right. We are caring and sharing individuals who, not content with our own dismal love lives, strive to give something back by helping you stuff up your very own dismal love life.

This is besides the fact that Town Bike and I are sick of posting on this damn blog by ourselves.

I am trying to give up the fags - give me something to do - dear blog stalkers!!!

Town Bike said...

I have just self-diagnosed myself with sciatica and also need something to do.

Here's one for Miss Contradiction, just to get the ball rolling:

Dear Miss Contraception,

How do i get into Daniel Craig's pants?

Love,
Town Bike

Anonymous said...

Dear Town Bike,

Have started shagging this bloke, he was over the other night and had his phone off the whole time and then left before midnight.

a) Do you think he's got a girlf?

b) It's just sex isn't it?

c) Not good at ending things, i just make excuses, how do i dump his sorry a*se?

Signed,
Once again sexually deprived in Waterloo

Town Bike said...

Dear Sexually Deprived in Waterloo,

It sounds to me that he is either:

a) Otherwise attached,
b) Incapable of committment,
c) On the run from the law, or
d) All of the above.

If his name happens to be Jason and he bears a passing resemblance to Russell Crowe, and you picked him up at the Good Guys in Alexandria, I recommend visiting your nearest doctor immediately for a full STD test and a thorough de-lousing.

In terms of dumping losers, I find the phrase 'it's not me, it's you... it's really you' is usually fairly effective.

Either that or tell them you have herpes.

Yours in sexually frustrated companionship,
Town Bike

Miss Contradiction said...

Perhaps he is gay?

I have a knack for getting involved with attached / emotionally attached men / addictive personality types.

It suits me - you get sex and then off load them to their other half / phychiatrist / addiction / straight jacket.

Then you are free to hang out with your mates on Saturday nights and prowl around looking for more innapropriate men to play with.

Funnily enough they can all be located at the hole. No danger of running in to any well adjusted alpha males there.

Hope this helps.

God Bless.

Town Bike said...

Haha... that is so true.

God I've met some losers at the hole.

Where are all the REAL men? Particularly those who look like Daniel Craig??