ZING!

Check out this awesome email I sent to the tool in the gingham shirt from Saturday night at the hole. He gave us a business card for his band (honestly, what kind of a band has a business card?) so hopefully some of his bandmates will see it as well. HA HA HA!

Subject: Important message for (MR BEAN)

My name's (Town Bike). You might remember me from such events as you trying to sleaze onto myself and my friend on Saturday night.

Just an email to let you know that it's time for you to call off your dog. Someone purporting to be your 'girlfriend' has been calling me constantly and leaving threatening messages on my voicemail. I have tried to ignore this ridiculous situation as I have my own life and my own boyfriend but clearly she has mental issues so this is her last warning.

Now neither me nor my friend are interested in you or your little domestic squabbles with this nutcase. I would appreciate if the phonecalls would stop ASAP or else I'll be taking action as follows:

1. The next time she calls, I will answer the phone and tell her exactly what happened - ie you trying to hit on me, then my friend, telling us you were recently single, asking us to go for a swim, asking us both to kiss you, then following us home when we turned you down and having to be sent home while standing on a street corner.

2. The next step I will take is to call her bosses at work. She obviously isn't the brightest crayon in the box because she was enough of a nitwit to call me from her work phone several times and leave nasty messages (which incidentally I have saved). Me being a fair bit brighter than her, I called the number back and bingo! I know where she works.

Now here's the funny bit. In case you don't remember from Saturday (which you obviously don't), I WORK IN THE SAME INDUSTRY AS HER AND HAVE DEALINGS WITH HER COMPANY, (INSERT NAME OF COMPANY HERE)! What a fortunate coincidence for me. Not so much for her, as I know her bosses and if she calls again I will be calling them to report what's been going on from their work phones. And she was stupid enough to leave her name on my voicemail.

Employers don't take kindly to people using their phones to harass other people in the industry so chances are her job will be in jeopardy. I suggest you tell her to lose my number immediately. Even if you really have broken up I'm sure you don't want her to lose her job.

3. If the harassment continues, I will be going to the police. Just to reiterate, I have no interest in being dragged into your domestic squabbles so I suggest she stops calling me ASAP.

By the way, neither of us were in the least bit interested in you or your sleazy mate. As you can see we are clearly the innocent parties here as even though you kissed my friend you did portray yourself to be single.

Sorry if this is overly nasty but I've had enough of this and am ready to take action. Calling me continuously when I'm at work has pushed me to this point. If you could pass this message onto her it would be appreciated.

Okay have a nice life and call off your dog,
(Town Bike)