Pop Quiz

What will Jason wear to his wedding?

a) A white Good Guys shirt and slacks
b) A white shirt with moss trimming
c) A white shirt covered in a decorative icepipe motif
d) A white goblin costume.

And will Jason's long-lost abandoned child from Queensland be the ring-bearer?

Abandoning one's children in Queensland seems to be all the rage these days.

Only time will tell.

Breaking News! Jason

In the most hilarious news I have heard in 2009 (all 12 days of it), it appears that Jason is thinking of taking the plunge.

No, he isn't going to throw himself off The Gap in an amphetamine-induced frenzy. Apparently, on New Year's Eve he made some throwaway comment to Bad Smell asking if he would be his best man. When Bad Smell subsequently asked him what that was all about a couple of days later (Bad Smell is a bit slow on the uptake), Jason proceeded to dodge the question and hasn't mentioned it since.

Will we be invited to the wedding? And how will I be able to tolerate it if I'm not drinking any more? Stay tuned for more...

Shayne Borland, Ye Hardly Gave Us A Chance To Miss Thee

As you can guess from the above title, Shayne Borland is back in town. He made a heroic return to the pub on Boxing Day while Miss Contradiction and I were having a quiet alcohol binge. And when I say heroic, he literally walked in with his hands clasped above his head like a returning hero or prize fighter. He then made a beeline for us. Miss Contradiction was sitting with her back to the door but could tell by my face that something was horribly wrong.

He was already about a billion sheets to the wind, wandering around and repeating himself and pestering us for sex. Then the bar girl told me that apparently he has been in rehab, not Bribie Island. Good to see rehab worked for him. He ended up being kicked out after literally one drink.

He then got into a taxi, went around the corner into Cabramatta Road, exited the taxi straight away and came back, hoping they would think he was a different person and he would be let back in. When this clever ploy didn’t work, Shayne Borland stood outside the pub for approximately one hour, by himself, looking in the window.

When Miss Contradiction and myself went out to the smokers’ refuge, he proceeded to hover over the ropes and try to get our attention. We ignored him, and the bouncer hilariously referred to Shayne Borland as a “serial pest”. He said this in total seriousness, making it even funnier. Shayne Borland, serial pest, we salute you.

Several days ago, Shayne Borland commenced hassling me by SMS again, as follows.

Shayne Borland: Are you going up to Cremorne 2nite?

Town Bike: No

SB: Please?

TB: No

SB: OK, can we have sex before I go?

TB: No

SB: Does that men yes?

TB: It means no

SB: So will I see you at Cremorne 2nite?

TB: No

The dance continues.

Pop Quiz

What is Shayne Borland saying in this photo as the flash goes off?

a) "Do you want to go to the pub?"
b) "Do you want a pill?"
c) "Do you want to have sex?"
d) "Did you just call me a serial pest?"

COMING SOON: The Trial Of The Century!!

Brush up on your case law and drop your barrister's wig and robe into the dry cleaners because the trial of the century is about to get underway.

Move over OJ!!

The Cat Book

Tonight I am going to the pub to be presented with a Cat Book courtesy of the Irish Guy.

More details as they come to hand.

The Results Are In!

The results are in of our "Who is your hero" poll of November 24!

The joint winners were "The ghost of Christmas past" and "Shayne D. Borland" with two votes each.

Closely followed by "Jason A. Gray" and "Other" with one vote each.

Hunter S. Thompson was a sorry last with zero votes.

This means we should all start moulding our lifestyles on the Ghost of Christmas Past and Shayne Borland ASAP.

When I Come Back as a Lesbian I want to be Shane from the L Word

I have a serious girl crush on Shane from the L Word.

In fact Town Bike, Bad Smell and I all do.


Alice: Shane!
Papi: Shane?
Alice: Ahh, this ought to be interesting.
[showdown music]
Shane: Hey, hey.
Papi: You're Shane?
Shane: [shoots tequila, exhales] Whew! [addresses Papi] Yeah.
Papi: You're just a skinny little white girl.
Shane: [looks down at herself] Oh. Yeah, I guess I am.
Alice: Shane!
Shane: [distractedly] What?
Alice: This is Papi.
Shane: Who?
Alice: Papi.
Shane: So what?
Papi: So, I'm your competition.
Shane: Oh. Oh, OK. Well, you know, I don't know exactly what we're competing for, but, uh, you win. So, it was nice meeting you.

She is just so incredibly cool.

Armageddon Awaits

I have some bad news to share.

Shayne.

Borland.

Is.

Coming.

Back.

RUN FOR THE HILLS!! AND GROUND ALL PLANES FROM BRIBIE ISLAND!!!

Birkenstocks are not the New Black

From Wikipedia:

"Birkenstock is a German brand of sandals and other shoes, notable for their contoured cork and rubber footbeds, which conform somewhat to the shape of their wearers' feet. Representative products include the two-strap sandal, the Arizona, and the Boston clog. Birkenstock shoes are worn with or without socks, the choice generally based on outside temperature."

They are also extremely ugly. Not quite as offensive as Crocs, but very close.

And if you absolutely must wear them, NEVER wear them with socks.

The Irish Guy

It seems Lady Goon has been making all and sundry aware of our blog, and a certain Irish person is slightly miffed at not having a single mention.

Now it should be known the the Irish Guy is not actually Irish at all, but is in fact Canadian. Town Bike mistook his accent for Irish and of course he has been the Irish Guy ever since.

Things the Irish Guy likes:

1. Feeding his magpies, Charlie & Charlize
2. Birkenstocks
3. Taking photo's of street signs
4. Liver

I Won 25 Cremorne Dollars

Well last night I ventured into our favourite Lower North Shore Craphole, purely to collect some money I was owed.

This was at 6pm and I stumbled out of there at 10.30pm......$50 poorer of course.

Miss Penelope and I stayed for trivia and I actually won $25 Cremorne Dollars. This is amazing because usually I am too drunk to concentrate for very long and wander off somewhere.

Penny Traition was unwell last night and was replaced by the hilarious Tora Hymen.

Miss Penelope ended up at the Cross until all hours and I stumbled home and tried to fix my leaking toilet and managed to make it worse. Note to self, do not attempt home repairs whilst 3 sheets to the wind when you can't actually manage it stone cold sober.

I will have to have Gazza come over and fix it.

Announcement: I Miss Shayne Borland

Who would have ever thought it would be possible to miss that endearing little ferret, Shayne Borland.

No one else in the area provides as much entertainment.

I miss his drug-fuelled antics, endless tall stories and compulsive lying.

Shayne Borland, we hardly knew thee.

Welcome Lady Goon

"Wine in a box, affectionately known as GOON to most Australians, has become a symbol of a cheap, enjoyable afternoon in the park. Try pegging the bladder to a Hills Hoist Clothes line for a fun game of 'Goon of fortune'."

Goon-of-fortune

Goon-of-fortune can be played at any good party, or gives any shit party a good kick. All that is needed is a goon bag and a clothesline. Everyone takes his or her position under the clothesline & the bag is pegged on. The clothesline is spun around while everyone is singing the theme song for WHEEL-OF-FORTUNE. The lucky person the bag lands on gets to have a good mouthful & the bag line is spun again till everyone is too drunk to spin."

I would just like to take the opportunity to welcome a new reader to our blog, affectionately known as Lady Goon, or Your Royal Highness.....depending on how many sheets to the wind we are at the time.

3 Sheets to the Wind

"three sheets to the wind

1. Old sailing term. After setting all three main sails to the wind, a ship will shudder and roll, much like a stumbling drunk. Now used as a synonym for drunkenness.
Don't take notice of Angus, lad, he's three sheets to the wind.

2. This old saying indicating how a person walk after having too much to drink originated in New England. Wind mills used for grinding grain had four blades. Big sheets (similar to sails) where stretched across the blades (or woven between the slates). The wind mill would wobble when only three blades were loaded, hence the term "three sheets to the wind"
After consuming a bottle of rum, Bob was walking as if he had three sheets to the wind.

3. to be explicitly drunk; inebriated origin: sheets actually refer to the ropes that are used to secure a ship's sail. If the 3 ropes used were loose in the wind, the sail would flop around, causing the ship to wobble around, much like a drunk.
Margo was three sheets to the wind by the time we made it to Doug's party, judging by her inability to keep her clothes on."

Town Bike and I can often be referred to as being 6 sheets to the wind. Sometimes 12 on special occasions.

Vote In Our Poll!

Hunter S. Thompson is my Hero

I have only just discovered this movie, and reading the book is next on my to do list.

It is hilarious.

Some favourite quotes:

Raoul Duke: We had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a saltshaker half-full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, laughers, screamers... Also, a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls. Not that we needed all that for the trip, but once you get into locked a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can. The only thing that really worried me was the ether. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge, and I knew we'd get into that rotten stuff pretty soon.

Raoul Duke: [narrating] We were somewhere around Barstow, on the edge of the desert, when the drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like: Raoul Duke: I feel a bit lightheaded. Maybe you should drive. Raoul Duke: [narrating] Suddenly, there was a terrible roar all around us, and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, and a voice was screaming: Raoul Duke: Holy Jesus. What are these goddamn animals? [swatting the air] Raoul Duke: Huh! Huh! Huh! Fucking pigs. Dr. Gonzo: Did you say something? Raoul Duke: Hm? Never mind. It's your turn to drive. Raoul Duke: [narrating] No point in mentioning these bats, I thought. Poor bastard will see them soon enough.

Dr. Gonzo: Sounds like big trouble. You're going to need plenty of legal advice before this thing is over. As your attorney, I advise you to rent a very fast car with no top. And you'll need the cocaine. Tape recorder for special music. Acapulco shirts. Get the hell out of L.A. for at least 48 hours. Blows my weekend. Raoul Duke: Why? Dr. Gonzo: Because naturally I'm going to have to go with you. And we're going to have to arm ourselves... to the teeth!

Discuss.

Contemplative Jason

Pop quiz: what is Jason thinking about??

a) Goblins
b) The new season's range of ice pipes as seen in Ice magazine
c) He is wondering why he wore his blue rag shirt instead of the moss shirt.

Balconies R Us

I am officially an idiot, if you had not come to that conclusion previously.

2 weeks ago (yes kids I have been lazy about updating you.....soz) Town Bike and I had a bender. At some stage I went home and passed out. I had in my possesion something that belonged to Town Bike and after she tried to ring me and knocked on my door a few times she let herself in (she has a key) and woke me up. This would bother some people but for some reason it didn't bother me at all.

After Town Bike toddled off home I went out for a cigarette (yes I did give up, but you try going to Europe and not taking it up again, everyone smokes, everywhere!!!) and managed to LOCK MYSELF OUT ON MY BALCONY FOR 4 HOURS.

No, I am not joking.

Luckily I was off my face.

The Fire Brigade had to rescue me.

No, I am not joking.

After I woke up my neighbours because of course my phone was inside.

Why God?? Why

It seems that Shayne Borland may have a slight issue with understanding the difference between "days" and "months".

We had only been rid of him for four days when it was overheard last night that he is cutting his "summer in Queensland" short because he misses the pub and wants to come back.

In three weeks.

ARGH YOU PROMISED US THREE MONTHS!!!!