The Year In Review - Part 2 (Scroll Down For Part One)

February is famous for Valentine’s Day, but for us, it was a different story. We were plagued by the poster formerly known as abusive anonymous guy who was convinced I was “poncho” girl (this 30-something chick who practically lives at the hole). Note: I am neither 30-something, a poncho wearer nor a chick. He made several abusive tirades regarding abusive anal sex and more. I failed to get his phone number.

In other hole news, we first encountered the Robbie impersonator in one of our off-chops nights (Robbie is some idiot who says he loves ‘dirty funken beats’ on his MySpace website. WTF??). We also met this loser in a gingham shirt who “claimed” to be in a band (note to men on the prowl: singing along drunkenly as the Piano Man plonks out his fury on the keyboard does not count as being in a band). Miss Contradiction pashed him then his girlfriend stalked me. Yes, we do meet some winners. In other news, we both wore fire-engine red Chanel lipstick.

In celebrity news, Anna Nicole Smith died and Will from Home and Away started working at the Hole. We only stalked one of them. Nautica tried to get into my pants after an absence of five years. Nautica should not be confused with an actual celebrity.

Miss Contradiction wet her pants over some big ship, we had high tea for my birthday and the domestication of the dog continued unabated.

During March, Miss Contradiction and myself decided we needed a stalking phone so we could harass people without them knowing it was us. The first order of business was to set Jason up on a wild goose (tail) chase to the Bourbon in Kings Cross. Jason was suitably humiliated; logged onto a screen and called someone. Jessgate opened the floodgates for a whole new era of Jason stalking. Usually this would involve sending Jason a text message with the word “Jason” in it. Just in case he forgot his own name.

During May, Jason and Bad Smell broke up and Bad Smell acquired a new boyfriend… Lobo. Lobo is this guy with a funny last name whom Miss Contradiction has never met. However he seems to be under the illusion that we are BFFs. The only reason I would steal him as a best friend is to get up Bad Smell’s nose. Instead, Jason made friends with a roaming band of goblins. Reports indicate that Jason and the goblin did not claim squatter’s rights at Miss Contradiction’s mother’s house. He moved to Dullards – whoops, I mean Dulwich – Hill instead.

During June, Panda arrived back on the scene. We decided to start stalking him instead of Jason. Often we would multi-task and stalk both at once. Panda is more fun than Jason. We found out that North Sydney Leagues’ and Willoughby (still) suck and I had to listen to my 80-year-old father say the words “sexual intercourse”. Still causing insomnia five months later. Also, we wrote Jason’s phone number on the blog. No one called him. What’s up with that?? Ingrates. We also moved base camp to The Oaks due to the increasing crappiness of the hole.

In July, Miss Contradiction got a special birthday present: Moll Flanders. Moll Flanders is a cheap tart (and possible smacky) who delights in making all and sundry uncomfortable with her inappropriate behaviour (another candidate for Asperger’s Syndrome if ever I saw one). In fact I haven’t seen her around for a while. Maybe she is dead.

July 17 – mark it down in your calendar so you can be alerted re: future Doomsday warnings – Jason’s baby was born. Rather (un)imaginatively, he called her Jennifer Gray. Dirty Dancing jokes ensued. Jason was stoned at the birth then hit the ice pipe later that night. It was a red letter day for Jason for two reasons: 1. The birth of his child 2. He had three types of illegal drugs in one day. Miss Contradiction acquired her own babies – Louboutin slingbacks, that is – and we joined Facebook. Hilarious cyber stalking ensued.

In August, Malcolm was (again) exposed as a fraud. Contrary to his claims, Megan Gale confirmed they are not cousins. Malcolm went back to his cave to plot further havoc. No news on when he is planning to reappear. This incident confirmed Malcolm as the prototype sociopath.

The hole introduced some trivia thing with an eight-foot tall drag queen on Thursday nights. I haven’t been yet but she is supposed to be quite hilarious. I reserve the right to be non-plussed by bitchy queens.

In September, Miss Contradiction and I posted defaced photos of Jason all over the Internet and Manly lost the NRL grand final. THIS MAY WELL HAVE BEEN THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY YEAR!! I nearly got into a fight at The Oaks badmouthing some Manly supporters. Haven’t they ever heard of the ‘truth’ defence?

In October, Miss Contradiction and I headed to Jason’s old stomping ground (Balmain) for a night out and predictably ended up at the hole. She pashed someone called Mario, I stood in the background and sniggered.

But all this paled in comparison to Jason shitting in Miss Contradiction’s bed – the incident that forever after would be known as Poopygate. Jason now has another thing to add to his list of “things I’ve lost control of” – his gambling problem, his waistline and now his bowels.

In happier news, Canada returned to the country after his deportation and is apparently firmly under the thumb. At least some of us have happy endings!

Finally, in more recent times, you may remember us making fools of ourselves in front of Cate Blanchett.

That’s all for now. Happy birthday blog! We love you! Well not really, but you get the idea.